A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Essentially we dated a bit a few years ago, but for 2 and 1/2 years he and I were FWB. I cant say for sure but I know we were both in love but too scared to say anything. Also I'm an Asian girl and he is Jewish guy, were both nerdy and lost our Virginity to each other (so its a very special relationship) He is 31 now and I am 25 but I first met him when I was 21. When I first saw his profile online a few years ago, I knew he was someone I wanted to fall for. And lots of stuff happened. We both hurt each other a little (no cheating) but just changing schedules, trying hard not to fall for each other and he suggested FWB which hurt me initially but then I decided to take him up on it and use him back and we had sex for a long time, on/ off. I was always meeting new people for dates (although I want to be honest and say I was meeting people because I was so scared to get attached to this guy but knew I couldnt leave him and craved his touch so much) and he didnt date so much (at least not that he told me ) but anyways a year ago he left for an internship to Israel which broke my heart.I know a part of him cant take me seriously because I know he wants to find himself a good jewish girl and bring her home to his parents. But I know we did love each other and the sex was so wonderful. He is my first and I can say I have never desired a man like I did for him but after he went to Israel and changed (partying hard, falling for girls there and posting it all on facebook) I was really hurt. I dated, slept with a new guy (but missed my ex so much) and tried to find a bf but none of that work out. Also as soon as I touch another man I miss my ex. Its like our bodies were made for each other and every guy I touch I dont desire them as much. It all even seemed wrong because I felt almost like I was betraying my ex and my own desires.I want to make sense of this all. Even though my ex has been back from Israel for over 9 months, he has never contacted me but likes most of my posts on facebook. He has always been an indirect, kind of girly guy even though he knows how to act very confident (its a convincing front). Once alone together he even told me hes a pussy and is always scared to make first overture. Our last encounter before he left to Israel for his internship, he was also very vague but I told him when he comes back he should let me know. He said he is going wherever his career takes him (hes an engineer).I still look at his profile everyday even though I am always meeting new men for coffee. I still masturbate to my ex. And a part of me still very much want to see him and have sex w/ him again. But the rational part of me knows he is Jewish and wants a girl of his culture (he is atheist like me but does a bunch of jewish activities and is pretty involved). I know I need let go but I also know he loves me or is very attracted to me. When we were seeing each other still, I would run over his place to hook up and I knew he suggested FWB because he wanted sex without commiting to me but he started falling for me too (because I went from unhealthy to healthy and started channeling alot of positives into our FWB arrangements) he would start asking me what I was doing before I came over, once even got mad and said harshly that I only come over to use his body and I never said anything but just kiss him. We tend to avoided serious talk but I knew he loved me and I know a part of him is conflicted because he loves me and I could tell from way he made love to me/do stuff for me.I want to get over him and some days I have. Some days i still miss him. I know he likes a few other girls and I feel jealous/sad. But I also know he never gave them what he gave me and I know at end of day, he knows I gave him more than any girl has ever given to him. Were both very attracted to each other . The sex wasnt only physical but very emotional, and in a way I still regard him as my babe. I havent seen him in so long though...its been over a year now. Right now I dont think he is dating anyone but I do see girls that are very interested him. He is the type of guy to let girls pursue him too and lots of girls are attracted to him as he is high energy fun, nerdy, successful guy. But I like to think I am the only girl who has seen how vulnerable and soft he is, when we were FWB we were very gentle/wild/passionate lovers. What do I do? I have cried so much when he left and I dont wanna get hurt. I know I must move on but why do I feel like he is my soulmate. (Although I dont believe in soulmate) but the connection is so strong. I have met 200 men for coffee in past 3 years and none has made me feel the way he does. I need clarity. I dont know what to do. It feels unfinished. Thank you if you can help me.
View related questions:
atheist, broke up, facebook, jealous, miss my ex, move on, my ex, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 November 2015):
You clearly understand that there is never going to be any proper relationship between you and that it’s time to move on, but you’re finding it hard. Who wouldn’t? He was the first everything for you. You didn’t just give yourself to him physically, but emotionally as well. In hindsight it was a big mistake to agree to be FWB with some-one you had feelings for like that. If you were hurt when he suggested it, that was the time to walk away. I think he did care for you: not all FWBs are the same. Sometimes they’re just about sex, but other times there is a friendship there too.
I think that you have to accept that moving on is a process, rather than a moment where everything clicks in to place, you stop missing him and are ready for the next relationship. We actually have to grieve for what we’ve lost and that’s what you’re doing. To start moving forward though, I think you have to recognise that what you’re doing is trying to replicate exactly the connection you had with him in some-one else. Relationships can’t be compared in that way. If you meet a man in a coffee shop, he’s not going to change your world in that minute and blow all thoughts of the ex out of the water. You are rejecting everyone straight away because you seem to expect to feel a bond as strong as that with a man you were having sex with for years immediately. This is why janniepeg is right that you’re still attached. How do you break it? Well you lose his number and take him off social media for a start: seeing his life now isn’t helpful. Then if you feel attraction for some-one, actually give them a second and a third chance. Maybe in terms of sex nothing will ever quite compare to your first time but falling in love doesn’t have to happen at first sight and the chemistry isn’t the same each time: attraction is complicated. Try to be open to other people. The less you are reminded of him and the more effort you make, the further he will fade from your thoughts. It’ll be a memory: not all bad, not all good, but it’ll feel like the past.
This is a horrible situation that you find yourself in. It’s the kind of situation that is the reason why I have always cautioned against FWBs of any kind in my years on this sight. But you are where you are. What you have to do is accept that he’s gone and he’s your past. Understand that relationships can never be compared and that each is unique, so stop looking for version 2 of him and rather start looking for the qualities you like in a person. “I have met 200 men for coffee in past 3 years,” you write. Yes you have, but you’ve been looking for excuses to reject them and ways that they fall short of perfection, or the fantasy of you and him as you wish it could have been. That’s what you need to change.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 November 2015):
 The feeling you have does not indicate that you are soulmates. It's the intensity, the unpredictability and the addiction to obtaining his love. I am not sure if he's going to marry a Jew for sure. Who says all the Jewish girls he dates are willing to marry him? He might be using his culture, his race as an excuse to avoid any commitment. I know he is older but that doesn't mean he wants to settle down with anyone right now.
You just need to set your mind and be firm that this is over. You can't jump ship when you are still attached to the old one. You feel that if you find someone else then you would let him go. It doesn't work that way. Guys can sense and smell that you heart isn't in it, or ready for a new journey in your life.
As an Asian in the US I understand you would be attracted to other races. Try some one who does not have restrictions as to who they are going to marry, or one who lets parents dictate what they do in life.
...............................
|
