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I know he loves me but he's still married, he says that he is going to get a divorce and we will get married and have a life together, but when!

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 August 2007) 14 Answers - (Newest, 6 June 2008)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am in life with a married man who in return really adores me as well.

The problem is I do not know if we will be together or not.

We have both liked each other for ten years, we use to go out drinking together with mutual friends and we both liked each other the whole time, though no one said anything out of fear.

Two years ago I found out he had gotten married from a conversation with a friend. My heart sunk, but I put it to the back of my mind.

Then a year later I was out in a bar and who was there but him, we got talking and both confessed our feelings for each other. We started an affair, he says he regrets getting married and it was the biggest mistake his made, although he loves her, he's not in love her and never thought she was the one. But with me he knows I am the one and I have always been.

I know he loves me but he's still married, he says that he is going to get a divorce and we will get married and have a life together, but when! It's been a year and it never seems to be the right time, first he was gonna leave but she lost her job and was in a state, then it was his job. Now it is in a few months when he's sorted out selling his other house so has more money.

I don't know anymore, I feel like his mistress and I hate that, when he comes over it's for the night then he's back to his wife again.

Yet he has told all his freinds and family he loves me and that he is leaving her and going to be with me. Even his mum is telling him do hurry up and do it.

I know they don't have a sexual relationship or a loving one, his dad described it to me, like it's two flatmates living together not a marriage.

But I am just getting scared now that I am a fool and he will never leave.

Should I wait or just give up?

View related questions: affair, divorce, flatmate, married man, mistress, money

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A female reader, emerald_reid New Zealand +, writes (6 June 2008):

I know you would love to think he's going to leave his wife for you but if he was he would have done it by now. Don't put with his excuses eg "What about the kids?" etc.

If he loves you and really meant it, why are you sitting around waiting??

Give him a 'deadline' and it he doesn't meet it then it was never meant to be. As much as you want to live in this fantasy that he will leave his wife and start a life with you, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't happen.

Now I don't know your situation but hun, if he loves you, really loves you he would choose you, and he would've done it a long time ago.

I'm not saying give up, just guard your heart. Don't put up with being second best, you're worth being 1st place.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

This must be so hard for you. My first love, 15 years ago, comes in and out of my life. he has informed me he has not had sexual relations in a year, nor kissed his wife since he can remeber. I know he is in love with me, but to no avail. It is not what i would call an affair. But i feel your pain.

Why do men not marry the woman the are in love with. Is it insecurity. Best of luck my friend. i am also in a lot of pain and confused. She treats him badly, he loves me, and SHE gets the securuty.

Take care, be well.

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A male reader, PAeng United States +, writes (17 August 2007):

If he loved her enough to want to marry her and is willing to leave all of that for you. a few years down the road you might find youself in his Ex-wife's shoes.

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A female reader, nyccorlis United States +, writes (17 August 2007):

I'm sorry you are allowing yourself to go through this. I have also been in your shoes. I met my boyfriend when he was separted from his wife and he fell in love with me. He made several promises to me including he would never leave me and he would get a divorce from his wife. When his wife found out about us, she wanted him back. She had sex with him that same day which had him confused. Even though I forgave him and stayed with him, he still went back to her. We are still seeing each other and he spends one night a week with me however he is spending more time with her. I settled for this garbage and I know its hard to leave someone you love. Go to God and tell him to show you and give you a answer about this situation. We don't know the future but he does.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007):

You know what makes me laugh, when all these people reply saying, his a bad man, you’re a mistress, he's never going to be with you etc etc. Well, I can't say for certain what will happen with you guys. I do know though that you need to carry on with your life and live it for you. If you end up together then so be it. if you don't you don't. Speaking from experience, I was in same position, and we are now married and have three beautiful kids and are very happy. I had everyone tell me to forget about him, he won't leave his wife etc. Like you I was friends with him for years and we both loved each other but never said anything. I went off to college at the time and he met someone and few years later married her. We bumped into each other, six months after he got married and an affair started, we both fall madly in love and knew we should be together, again like you, his family knew and he said he regretted marrying his wife, and again like you he kept saying he would leave but something always seemed to come up.

But he did a year later, he left and moved in with me, He got divorced and we got married, now we have been together for 13 years and we knew we were meant to, yeah the timing sucked and how we got together and that first year when I felt like his mistress wasn't ideal... but for me it was worth it, cause I knew he really did love me and that we were going to be together, what I am trying so say huni is that only you know what is really going on, if it’s just a mistress thing, then deep down you know that already and what the outcome will be and you have to listen to your gut instinct. Don't wait for him, but if you guys are meant to be then so be it, you will.

Best of luck, with him, or with another.

xx

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (15 August 2007):

Wild Thaing agony auntI'm with eyeswideopen on this one, but given that you have lowered yourself to settle for sloppy seconds I would doubt you currently have it in you to walk away from this relationship.

The anon poster who was also a "lady in waiting" is the voice of experience. Ponder her words carefully so that you can see where this charade of a relationship will lead.

Have you actually talked to his mother? Did she say to your face that she wants him to dump his family so he could get with you? Or is this coming from your married guy?

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A female reader, TaylorChu United States +, writes (15 August 2007):

TaylorChu agony auntYou are the mistress. Have you taken into account the hell his wife is going through because YOU the other woman is messing with her husband? So what everyone knows about their living habits, sexual relationship and etc. All that is actually private business.

MANY married men will throw the line "i'll get a divorce to be with you" but few carry it out. Why? Because as men they have built up a family, found something they truly love and can throw themselves into wholeheartedly. To get a divorce would mean he failed, he'd have a busted ego and come across as not being able to do what a man does and that is to create and support the tasks he put his hands too.

Also, flip the entire thing around. What if he does divorce his wife and marries you? What makes you actually think he wouldnt cheat on you with some other woman. Heh, he is doing it now isnt he? He can even go so far as to leave his wife and then say, "No, I will just keep you as a girlfriend. I dont want to remarry." That leaves you in a lurch with no financial support, quite possible no kids and not good enough to be marriage material. Think about these things and leave him. Don't be a marriage wrecker it will come back and bite you in your butt ESPECIALLY if he has kids too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007):

Gosh, He and his family have absolutely no SCRUPLES!!! They mingle with his mistress like it's no big deal! It doesn't matter how loveless his marriage is. That's a huge red flag. Gosh one time I was dating two guys at once and my mom got so mad that she said that if I didn't choose one, she was going to tell them both!

With scruples like that, there is no telling how long it is before he is unfaithful to you! And the new mistress will be chatting it up with your inlaws like it's nobody's business. Dump the loser!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007):

Take it from me and my painful role as the 'lady in waiting' for a married man for 5 years - I was your age and I regret every lost minute now that I am fully away from him.Let me tell you when you finally turn around and feel free from this it is euphoria. It takes guts and determination and a whole lot more self esteem than you currently have to see that he is using you but he is... and I guarantee you whatever people say he will be sleeping with his wife because she is a whole lot more 'convenient' than you are. You are keeping his marriage alive. You are at a critical age - find a great man who is single and readily available. Show this guy you will not accept the crumbs he offers you from his 3 course dinner at home. He's doing this to his wife - he'd just as readily do it to you. Would you really truly ever trust him anyway???

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007):

You're a mistress being used and lied to for continued sex. You know it as well as we do.

You can face it and leave him, or delude yourself for a few more years of your precious 20s and 30s.

You can also let this situation depress you, and make you seek him out again for the temporary emotional uplift that he can offer, even though in your more mature moments you know that staying with him is just demeaning you further. Do you know what this situation is? It's another one of the "oldest tricks in the book" that will keep you his plaything for another several years. He'll be very apologetic about everything, and insist that he values you so much, etc. But it's really all the same thing without actions to back it up. And there won't ever be any from him.

No woman wants a bad man. But a lot of women bed a bad man for years because he talks like a good man. I'm sorry, but it really is that simple.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (15 August 2007):

Frank B Kermit agony auntHe's married. He is going to stay that way.

If he was going to leave his wife, he would have done it already with or without you.

Find someone else before it is too late. Your clock is ticking, and he does not care, since his clock never stops.

-Frank B Kermit

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A female reader, skye United Kingdom +, writes (14 August 2007):

skye agony auntIm so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I know you hate it but you ARE his mistress. Dont be his fool.

He says he doesnt love his wife and other people agree that they arent a "proper married couple". You cant tell this for sure. Even his parents only have his word for it. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it....then have everyone elses cake!

He has cheated on his wife with you. Whos to say he wont cheat on you? Or that he isnt cheating on you already? The risk of STDs could be high. Im really sorry, but please get yourself tested. The neverending excuses suggest he doesnt want to end his marriage despite his protests.

You have been foolish getting involved with a married man, but then you know that and are paying the price for it now. Imagine how his wife would feel if she found out about you. Now imagine if you where in his wifes shoes. Tell him that you want to be with someone who is free to be with you and you wont settle for excuses anymore. You deserve better. Please dont settle for less.

Take care,

Skye

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 August 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntTell him you won't see him until he files for divorce. And mean it. The writing will be on the wall in short order.

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A male reader, strawberries United Kingdom +, writes (14 August 2007):

I hate to point out the cliché but it's quite a famous situation for a married man to constantly say he intends to leave his wife. Also stalling for time is not a brilliant sign.

A year is very long time for this to go on for and if he truely loves you then he should not be putting you through this, and the fact that you've posted here means you know that.

In general I would say there is only one way to deal with this...set an ULTIMATUM. Tell him exactly how you feel!

If he doesn't do something about it you'll know that he doesn't feel as strongly about you as believe. Being in an affair is bad for you self esteem, you need to remember that you deserve better

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