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He'd rather masturbate to porn than have sex with me.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Long distance, Marriage problems, Pornography, Pregnancy, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 August 2007) 10 Answers - (Newest, 18 August 2007)
A female United States age 36-40, *angledWeb writes:

I have been married about 5 years. My husband wanted to have babies when we were dating so I said I would but only if we get married. So then we got married. I got pregnant but he never wanted to have sex unless it was to make a baby. Once I was pregnant I had to beg my husband to have sex with me. This went on for quite a long time. I kept trying to do anything and everything to fix the problem. After a while I got bitter and angry and took it personally. He'd rather masturbate to porn than have sex with me.

I then found out he had sex with someone else and was maintaining communication with this other woman. I decided that if he could do that and turn me down then I was going to get mine.

I began having an affair with a man. We had both been through horrible relationships and he was newly out of his. We decided for a while to just be friends. Only problem was we became insanely close. I helped care for his two kids while he worked. He ended up taking a job in another state and I began visiting him. After about the third visit he confessed he was in love with me and that the distance made him realize this.

We continued the relationship, (my husband even knew about it and let me go see him, he never really even tried to stop me.) I just found out I am pregnant with my lover's baby. My lover is thrilled and wants me to go live with him. The only reason I am still with my husband is because of our children. My husband knows about the baby and wants me to stay and help me raise it but my lover wants us to start a new life. I love him and want to but I am sooo scared that uprooting my two young children will really hurt them. They know my lover and his kids as though he is my friend and they love him but they see him as my friend.

My family is urging me to stay with my husband because they are against divorce.

Help!

I am soooo scared!

View related questions: affair, divorce, porn

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007):

Just remember that "no matter where you go~ You take you with you." What this means in a nutshell is that geographical cures do not fix everything. And regardless of the many problems and dysfunction your husband has-all of the problems were not his alone. Remember you married him and stayed with him for all of that time. Ther is some personal responsibility in that. Also the lover ended a previous relationship that you will probably only ever know one side of that story. From personal experience, I have discovered that history has a way of repeating-even if it is manifested in a slightly different way.

Only you can decide which is the best choice for you and all of your children. But, somone to talk to (preferably professional) would be a good tool at this present time.

Good luck in what ever you decide.

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A female reader, TaylorChu United States +, writes (16 August 2007):

TaylorChu agony auntBoth of you committed adultery and adultery is grounds for divorce. You made the situation stickier by getting involved with the lover and now a new baby is on its way. I think your husband needs help. Having sex only to create children is rudimentary it totally doesn't take care of your needs while he gets his met with whatever woman and his nasty porn.

Seek counseling and evaluate a divorice if your husband doesn't care to repair the marriage. It seems overall that his goal was just to sire children and you complied by giving the stipulation of marriage. It's sad.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (15 August 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI hope things work out the best way possible for everyone involved. Keep us posted.

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A female reader, TangledWeb United States +, writes (15 August 2007):

TangledWeb is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you so much for your support and advice.

My family keeps saying to give my husband a chance because he financially supports us, he loves the kids, and loves me. Which he keeps claiming he loves me and he does try to treat me good where he knows how (helps w/ dishes, kids, everyday chores). Oh by the way, his g-friend dumped him for someone else. (Poor thing!)

I am not trying to make excuses for my husband but I do think, in his mind he loves me and I do think now he realizes his mistakes, and I do believe he is trying now. Without going into details, I do know he has had a very horrible upbringing.But..... I think he has issues that have been a problem forever, I think too much damage has been done, and I don't think any therapy can get me to the point where I can freely enjoy having sex with him again. I think I have lost to much respect for him.

I think you are all right. I feel like I am trapped in a cult with the thinking of my family and sometimes it makes me question if my thinking is right...but you all have really shown me that I am not out of line.

Danielepew..you wrote :I wonder what reasons your husband has to let you have a lover on the side and even raise a child by someone else. But I think there's a dark purpose for that.

In response I have thought a lot about this. I think he was o.k. with me being with someone else until he knew we were in love. Now he'd rather raise someone else's child than let anyone else have me. 2ndly, I do so much taking care of the kids, it would cost him a fortune to pay someone to do all I do...its cheaper to keep me (I came across a article he left open on the computer which was about how its cheaper to stay together than divorce),and he'd have to pay child support. I think for him to keep me and raise my lover's baby is 1) because he thinks he loves me, 2) he doesn't want my lover taking care of my kids and I truly believe he loves the kids,3) smarter financially. This was just my thoughts. My family is making it like he is a wonderful man for him to stick with me even though I got "knocked up". Makes me upset because when I came to them about the things he has done it was made that it MUST be my fault for him to act this way. I think since he is so quiet, nice, and passive its hard for others to picture the other side of him which I know too well.

Thank you sooooo much. I may right more as I pursue the divorce and move.

Thanks again!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007):

I agree with Daniel pew. This is your decision, not your families. They are not the ones who have to wake up every day for the rest of their lives in a loveless marriage with a guy who looks at porn.

Divorce sucks. But for your sake, I don't think it would be a bad option, only as long as you and your husband can be very mature about it and not let the children feel abandoned or that you guys don't love them.

My parents divorced and they were both very immature about it. My dad talked bad about my mom. And he just walked out on my family. And I didn't see him for two years. And my mom left us too. All because they weren't mature enough to realise that even though they had differences, they had two children innocently involved who needed all their love and support.

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A male reader, somewhat_anonymous United States +, writes (15 August 2007):

You have two options. Neither are easy and both will harm the children, but you must decide which will hurt them less.

a) Keep the status quo in a loveless marriage and end up in a dysfunctional family situation, with your children growing up and finding out that the reason why you sacrificed happiness was for them.

b) Get the divorce and the kids grow up with a functional mother and dysfunctional father. But being in a different state, your children may think that you walked out on them depending on the custody situation.

And if your family doesn't support a divorce if you go through with it, let them stay at your house while your husband sits around playing with himself and looking at porn. They'll change their tune.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (14 August 2007):

Danielepew agony auntThis is not your family's decision, or OUR decision, but yours. You come here for help and we will give opinions, though. I hope you can pick the best option.

All the roads ahead are very difficult, but, if I were you, I would get a divorce.

First, there is no love in the marriage. He has someone else and so do you. That is not going to change. My personal opinion is, it makes no sense to put a facade; children get to know something is going on, eventually find out what it is, and the supposed benefit of the parents staying together is sometimes more than offset for the huge problems, the lies and the bad example parents give. I have had a chance to see what happens when a) parents stay together even if they don't love each other, and b) what happens when parents divorce but maintain contact with the kids, and b) seems like a better option, by far.

Uprooting your children will hurt them, yes, but, I don't think that staying in your current situation wouldn't hurt them, either. You have to choose how to hurt them, not whether you will. And, if you don't uproot the first two, you will have the third one living in a lie, forever.

Your lover is the coming baby's father and you can't deny him that. The baby will be your lover's child, and you can't deny that, either.

I wonder what reasons your husband has to let you have a lover on the side and even raise a child by someone else. But I think there's a dark purpose for that.

I have to say, though, that your husband and your lover are both responsible for this, too. And I see that each of them is pulling in their own direction. One wants you to stay in a loveless relationship, and the other doesn't fully appreciate what this decision means for you.

You very much need the help. I hope we can show you some light.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007):

You can tell your Mother and Father that as far as God in concerned that you have been divorced the moment that he started his Porno-Infidelity. His sexual duty is to his wife, not a Porno Website. If your folks have any doubt about what I'm saying, then have them look up Plural-Marriage in the Old Testament,as it gives you the right to walk away from your sorry Marriage. And that's what I would do. ASAP, (As soon as Possible).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007):

I think you and your lover should make a go of it - you both sound really happy together. For your husband look how much he's hurt you, you deserve to go with someone who cares for you.

Don't stay with your husband when he obviously doesn't think much of you. He would only have sex with you to make a baby but yet he'll sleep with someone else?

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (14 August 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntI really think you have no other choice than to separate from your husband and file for divorce. You didn't have much of a marriage anyway. Your kids will be okay as long as both Mom and Dad handle it correctly. Good luck.

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