A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a two and a half year relationship which began when we were 15/16. We have a wonderful relationship and he treats me incredibly well, we are both respectful and incredibly loving. Faithful and genuine. In the early stages of our relationship, I found that he had been messaging another girl on Facebook. The messages were flirtatious and along the lines of 'I like your picture, shame I can't see more of your boobs' and such like. This made me feel very cautious but I said if it happened again, then we couldn't be together because it is unfair to make me feel this way (unsatisfactory/insecure) - plus, I was on a planned holiday abroad at this time. He was incredibly ashamed and assured me he felt terrible for doing it and personally, I am skeptical and cautious of people anyway, so it has to be genuine for me to believe it. He said this wouldn't happen again. Two days ago I was looking for an email on his iPad and he had an email from the messaging site 'Kik' saying he had multiple messages awaiting. I clicked onto the app but it had been deleted of his iPad after being previously downloaded. This made me wonder initially. So I re-downloaded it only to discover he had an account with a fake name but with an email address I didn't recognise, so I attempted to log in with his password he uses for his current social media accounts. The password was valid and let me on to the site, his profile had a very recent picture which I took at a very important wedding we attended a few weeks before. At this point I began to seriously worry. I went onto his current chats and there was two girls who were waiting for a reply from him, one of them read "Hi babe, have I done something wrong? Why won't you reply?:(xxxxxxxxxxxx" (on the Sunday and it was the Tuesday) and the other girl said something very similar. I text both girls pretending to be him - I know this was wrong but I wanted to be sure I had evidence before accusing - one of the girls said they had been speaking on-and-off for about a year and the then sent me conversations that she had saved from their previous chats. One of which said "When does your freshers week start? I wish we were at the same uni then we could go out!" with kisses and such. The other said "I've missed you so much, it makes me so happy just to be able to speak to you!" accompanied with kisses. This is not unusual for how he would communicate with me, actually, it is exactly how he would text me. So I asked him to come back to the flat to speak about it, tensions were flared and he said it wasn't him and completely denied speaking to them recently. He said that he used to speak to them 4 years ago but nothing recently. I fail to comprehend how it is possible for them after 4 years to still be trying to speak regularly with him and that the app had been downloaded and deleted within the 11 months he has owned the iPad. He seems to think someone has hacked his account (a fake account of him) and has spoken to these girls for a year - which yes, is highly unbelievable. He also thought that one of his 3 brothers may have hacked his account but when he texted them asking if they had been on the app they all were unaware of the app itself. So tonight, I have found on a different email address altogether another account that was opened on the 30th April this year, (which was around our two year anniversary) but this time it was a fake girls name but with a picture of ME! Connected with his current password. There were many other female accounts that he had which were of him previously chatting with, but they all said "---lesbian88) and such like. He had one pending chat from a girl, saying "hey bby xo"..... So, what is going on?!I feel that believing him would be naive of me but I also feel after what happened on Tuesday he would have admitted it if it were him. Any advice on my situation would be really helpful. So, my question is - what's going on?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 November 2014):
 Cheating is CHEATING. Whether it was physical or not. EMOTIONAL cheating can be JUST as damaging as physical. WHY? Because the "cheater" is spending MORE time and effort charming/wooing/flirting with someone aside from their partner.
You do NOT want to believe he cheated on you, so you will stay and stick it out. In time you will trust him less and less. Or you will start to snoop so you can "ensure" he doesn't do "bad" things behind your back. Which is invasion of privacy and again does nothing for a relationship, other then make you feel like the crazy one.
There is a reason you came onto DC. Your GUT told you that maybe he is full of crap. But you also think that by loving him and being the BEST ever GF, he will change.
Good luck with it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): He is lying and if he won't talk with you about it and about why he is doing all of this you need to end the relationship for good. It will only get worse as time goes on. Right now you're in denial but you know the truth or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. He did it once and now he's doing it again.
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A
female
reader, babalou +, writes (11 November 2014):
 Cheating emotionally is just as bad as cheating physically. I had an ex like this that often would join dating sites and hit on people, made fake accounts as girls to try to flirt and get nude pictures from lesbians and cyber. In my experience, it does not stop and is not at all your fault. Some people crave the attention, even if they are in a nice relationship. They just can get enough sexual attention from people even if they get it under false pretenses like fake accounts. Just because he hasn't cheated by having sex or meeting other girls does not make what he is doing right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to a comment made, yes, he has had incredibly influential parents who were incredibly possessive and controlling. He could not wait to get to university to gain freedom and independence.
In response to another comment, no - he is not bi/gay. He is very much straight. He has nothing against a persons sexuality, but he is confident in his sexuality. :)
However, I do not think calling him a liar and a cheat is exactly fair, his parents were a pain in the a** but they raised him well. I may not believe this story but I wholeheartedly know he hasn't physically cheated.
I would also like to thank you for your help and comments. I have taken them on board. So - thank you again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2014):
I think it's just all to coincidental that you found all that evidence and his "account must have been hacked"....
If it had been hacked don't you think there would be a LOT more conversations with other girls then the girls he KNEW already?
He even made a "secret email account" but wasn't smart enough to make a new Password?
My guess is the "girl" account with YOUR picture... was his "evidence" or red herring to make you think that hacking COULD be possible.
I agree with CMMP - decide if you want to stay with a cheat and a liar - that is your choice, but DO tell him to quit lying. It's insulting. It's treating you like an idiot.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (11 November 2014):
 Your boyfriend is a cheat and a liar. Is this the kind of boyfriend you want? If not, dump him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): Hi! This is clearly quite a big problem for your relationship. Both of the above answers can not have helped your mind either. Both very negative view points; which in your case is understandable.
He may know fine well that he has created both of the accounts to cyber with girls but there might be an understandable reason behind this.
Ever thought that your partner might have some form of problem? like sex addiction or something along those lines. Obviously if he does have a problem what he has done is not excusable, however it might help to explain why he has done it.
I also wouldn't rule out that his account has been hacked. I did a bit of research into KIK accounts being hacked and found this page on Yahoo! answers. https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130721114735AAZUu9L
there is a similar story to yours in one of the answers, so I wouldn't completely rule out his account being hacked.
From my personal experience it is more likely that he has a problem and going to see a trained councillor will probably help.
Does he have an unusual history? Like his parents have been very controlling, etc there may be some underlying issue that is contributing his deviance.
I can understand why you are finding it really hard to believe him. He has broke your trust on several occasions by the sounds of it. It sounds like he has some deep lying issues that need to be sorted out for your own sanity.
The other two answers have a point but at the end of the day it is down to you what you do with him. Can you trust him? I am not sure maybe one day if the two of you stick it out then you might learn to trust him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, I'm a female writer, I can't if how to change it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 November 2014):
 He created that profile to cyber with girls.. or just talk to them. But then he created a fake profile with your name AND picture (may I add that this is illegal at least in Norway), in order to cyber sex with lesbians.
Really. That's the simplest and easiest explanation based on the facts at hand. His excuses are far fetched. Which means, the simple and most logical answer is usually the right one.
Sorry, you've got a serial cheater on your hands who not only cheats with himself, but also uses YOU to cheat.
What to do? Don't take any blame, he and he alone is responsible for his actions. He is immature and a cheater, and you should end things right now before he gets a chance to talk you into staying. Because I assume that after two and a half years at such a young age, he's got plenty of leverage to make you stay. So do not listen to him. Remember what is best for YOU, and what is best for you, long run, is to NOT be with a lying cheater.
There are better men out there. Truly there are. Let this one go to learn his lesson.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 November 2014):
You know exactly what's going on, it's just hard for you to believe.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he's physically cheated. I think he just gets bored and horny and sex chats or something similar. Is it okay? Obviously not, but it's probably forgivable.
However. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN UNLESS SOMETHING CHANGES. Why is he doing this? Is he insecure and needing validation? Is he lonely? What about either your situation, the way you treat him, or his own brain makes him do this?
If he can't provide an answer and seems to be unwilling to change then it's just going to happen again.
Tell him that he needs to stop lying. You know he did it and to deny it any further is just an insult to you. If you're willing to forgive him then tell him so, but under certain conditions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): Sorry but I smell a rat. The passport thing is the most damning evidence in my opinion - how many people know his passport? How likely is it that someone would create this fake account and use other passports. Do you have any doubts over his sexuality? Could he be bi?
I think you need to confront him again calmly and with all the evidence.
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