A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a relationship issue and would love some advice!For the past nine months I have been in an ambiguous relationship with my housemate. We started sleeping together last summer. I knew he had fancied me for a while and he even started to suggest that some of the casual nights out we'd been on together had been dates. So, one night we went on what I thought was another date, and ended up sleeping together. Over the next few days, it was clear that he liked me a lot. For a couple of months after that I thought we were dating. We were sleeping together (and living together) but I realised that I was making all the effort. He didn't seem to want to go out of his way for me and I found it quite frustrating. He is generally quite a private and independent person who spends a lot of time by himself, but I thought if he liked me enough he would want to give up some of his time for me. In the end, I confronted him and his response was incredibly immature. He said that he wasn't ready for a relationship (with anyone) so I gave up and told him we had to stop seeing each other. We agreed that we wouldn't do anything to hurt each other since living together meant it was quite a sensitive situation.However, since we lived together this was easier said than done! He immediately started going on dating apps on his phone and leaving his phone lying around with the screen open on some girl he was swiping (I don't know if this was on purpose but it really annoyed me). So I immediately felt used and upset. I decided to play him at his own game, and went on a dating app too. I immediately started dating a lovely guy, but I just couldn't feel anything for him. I never brought this guy home to the house. Every time I went out with him, I just wanted to go home to my housemate. Eventually, my housemate and I started sleeping together again sporadically, until again I got upset and confronted him.He reiterated the fact that he didn't want anything serious with me and told me that even though he'd wanted to have sex with me before, he no longer did. It was a painful encounter which left me angry and upset.We didn't see each other or interact for a couple of weeks after that as he was away with his parents, but I felt so hurt and confused. On the night he came home, he texted me to say that he would be having a "friend" to stay. Stupidly assuming it was a guy friend, I agreed that that was fine. When a girl came through the front door my heart dropped through the floor. I ran away to a friend's house and texted him asking who she was. He said she was "just a colleague" he was putting up for the night and I felt stupid for over reacting. I told him that I had felt quite upset about the whole thing and would appreciate him being a bit more sensitive next time. He didn't reply.A week later, he brought this girl round again. They'd been on a date and were returning home. I then knew that he had lied to me and that he was with this girl and intended to have sex with her in his bedroom, next to mine. I went into complete shock. I'm not sure I have ever felt so angry with someone. I felt so hurt and betrayed. My housemate made me sleep in her bed with her, but knowing what was happening in his room and that he had lied to me so openly made me feel physically sick.A couple of days later I asked him to come to the pub for a talk. He didn't seem to understand why I was so upset, so I explained to him, calmly, that I had feelings for him and that he had done something that had really hurt me. I asked him if he would agree to not have the girl round for a few weeks while I got used to the idea or found somewhere else to live, and he agreed.I assumed that I would hardly see him for the next few weeks as he would be sleeping at hers and seeing her. In fact, the opposite happened and all his attention seemed to be focused on me. Whether this was because the girl had lost interest in him and he thought he might as well try getting me back into bed, or because he realised I had feelings for him and that piqued his interest, I don't know, but ever since that talk things have been different between us.For the next few weeks, I know he didn't see this girl once as he was with me almost the whole time. The sexual energy built up and eventually, we slept together again. It was amazing sex and the memory of it consumed my mind for days afterwards. Luckily, I went on holiday the day after we slept together and was able to take some time to think about everything. I spent that time out of touch with him and coming to terms with the fact that he was likely still in some kind of relationship with this girl and that I should finally leave him alone and let him be with her. The amazing sex was like a goodbye.However, when I got home, it emerged that this girl wasn't in the picture anymore and he had in fact been talking about me quite a bit. He had evidently missed me (not that he told me this).He then went away for a while (and is still away). For the first few weeks that he was gone, he messaged me incessantly. Far more than he has ever messaged me before. It felt like I was his girlfriend. He was telling me about his day, asking me about mine, giving me all the attention a boyfriend would give. There was also a lot of flirtatious texting, obviously. At one point, I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. He also suggested during one of our conversations that he was feeling a bit jealous of the guy I dated briefly (although this was suggested, not explicitly stated).This went on until the middle of last week and he has now gone weirdly quiet. I feel quite confused by this, but I'm also just so confused about the situation in general. I know that he likes me but I worry that he likes having sex with even more and that his main objective in texting me so much is to "get off" while he's alone in hotel rooms, or to keep me sweet for when he gets home. I'm worried that his lack of interest in the past week means he has met someone and no longer needs me, or that he has realised the situation with me is getting too "coupley" and he is freaked out.I think what I want to know is, should I ask him how he feels? And if I do, should I do it now while he's away and there's some distance between us? Or should I wait until he's home in a few weeks' time? The last two times I broached the subject were months ago and I was angry with him. This time, I don't feel angry. I just want to know if I'm barking up the wrong tree. Despite the awful events a couple of months ago, he isn't a bad person at all. He is kind and sweet, but not hugely demonstrative. So it's difficult not to make a lot of assumptions about how he feels! I also worry that if I try to engage him in "serious" chat, he won't tell me how he really feels, because he might not even know himself. Since he is obviously a bit confused himself, is it better to just wait and see how things are when he gets home? Am I being crazy for getting upset about his lack of communication these past few days and should I just calm down and let things happen naturally without pressure? I'm just so confused! Any advice gratefully received! Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 You are right it is about self respect. It is clear from your post that this man has no interest in you long term, you continue to let him use you, you live in hope he is going to change, but he is not. He knows you have feelings for him so he knows he can easily chat you in to bed, but he does not see you as a girlfriend, you need to stop reading that he does. If a man was interested in you he would make an effort, he would make you feel special and wanted. You need to get some self esteem you need to learn to read the signs and you need to move out off this accommodation and away from him or else you are only going to continue to keep hurting yourself.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 March 2017):
 People get theirselves into tough situations, I've been in one myself that had no happy ending for either of us so I know how hard it is.
You need to tell yourself how much of your time you're wasting, someone out there will not treat you like this so why are you accepting it? You need to put yourself out there to find the right person, don't let anyone treat you for less than you're worth.
You need to find alternative living arrangements asap and block him from your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 March 2017):
 OP, don't settle for getting 10% back if you give 100%
Move out. That would be step #1 in getting your "pride" back but more so in finding your boundaries. KNOW what you want and don't want in a relationship.
Do you ever tell people who you KNOW are trying to use you... NO?
If not, that is another thing that would benefit you. Being able to say no.
Wanting to be loved is not crazy. What is a bit nutty is ignoring all the red flags and pretending things are GREAT! when they really aren't. You know what's going on, yet you CHOOSE to live in denial. WHY is he more important to you than yourself?
Therapy might actually be good for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017): Read all that horrible stuff you said about yourself. That's an excuse not to even try. You want to have a man in your life so badly; you'd sacrifice your self-respect, then write it off to being unable to help yourself. That's not true.
Where there's a will, there's a way. You can be crapped on until you;re broken; and become totally useless to yourself or anybody else. Otherwise; you can grow-up, and stop being so lazy. Just so you can appreciate the fringe-benefits of recklessness and irresponsibility. That's okay when you're a teenager; and have your parents to clean-up after you.
Oh, it is soooo easy to claim you just can't help it. You have low self-esteem, blah blah blah!!! You like just letting men treat you any which way; because it takes any pressure off you to make them treat you right.
If you've been traumatized or abused; that's what therapy is for. It it will help you to get to the core of your issues, help you find a resolution, and get you functioning. All the
hard-work is still all yours to do.
Life is precious, and way too short. You can waste all your best years, just to look back in regret and bitterness.
Get your act together, girlfriend! Your excuse is flimsy, and you just like things to come easy; and requiring no effort or self-control.
Living life as a doormat will get old soon enough; or you will. Sweetheart, you deserve better than that. You're missing out on what you do deserve; because you want life on easy terms.
The best things in life are earned, properly maintained, and appreciated. That goes for taking care of yourself as well.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (28 March 2017):
Let's clear something; it is not desperate and it is not weak to want love and to love someone .. he is not the someone though .. he isn't ..
What do you do .. you formulate a plan and you stick to it.. are you looking to move out ? If not then you need help devising and sticking to a plan .
I normal agree with no91 but there always a first time to an extent . Though this guy has told you he's not looking for a relationship : he butters you up to get and ego stroke and sex . Good guys. Whether male/female don't do this kinda stuff. They have a moral compass that says oo wait I can't she or he really likes me this is leading someone on with false unstated hope .
Get angry .. mad not shouty mad but how dare he kinda mad . He's used you and will continue to .. you need to stop this cycle by saying . Guess what ( his name) I'm not playing so I guess I best go to my room or you go to yours as your flirting makes this awkward . Stay out his way .
Good luck .. your not weak sweetie .. just need to see this isn't going to work .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all of you - thanks so much for your advice. Even thought most of you are right that I already know what I have to do, I find this the biggest hurdle of all.
My main issue is that I really lack self-respect. I find it so hard to get myself out of these situations with men. It's almost like I'm addicted to them and live for the intermittent highs the "relationship" offers, even if in general it makes me unhappy.
How can I work on this aspect of myself and build up pride and dignity? I want to rise above this and make myself believe I'm worth more than this crap, but it's SO hard for me! Other girls seem to be able to do it - I am just weak and desperate! No wonder men use me...
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 March 2017):
You don't need advice, you know exactly what to do but you just don't want to do it.
This guy DOES NOT want anything serious with you. He IS NOT leading you on at all, you know where you stand with him yet you're still going back everytime. He's not putting effort in because he does not need to, you're giving him sex whenever he wants it even when you know he's dating other people. You are just a stop gap until he finds someone else.
You need to move out or you're just going to keep getting deeper and deeper into this situation. You know exactly how he feels, stop thinking there's going to be a different outcome, you are going to drive yourself insane.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (28 March 2017):
I think you posted about this situation before sounds very similar to me .
Look you really need to see the trees, the woods are clouding your vision . The advice given previous is I'm sorry sweetie the same I'm giving today .
You; need to move on without him . He is using you !! That does not make his. A nice guy .. that does not make him confused !! It makes him sneaky and manipulating and cold .
He probably did use the flirty texts to get off too and he probably has got. Someone new guys like this always do .. and silly girls think by giving them it . They will get somewhere with it doesn't work like that .
He's messing with you because he can .
My advice the last time was he would try and butter you back up as it does his ego good to know he can .. you fall for it .. and he gets his way . Has semi interest .. blows cold and then when you look non interested does the same again .
What a tosser and user .. and I'm sorry you really need a good talking too . Get your head on straight and some of your pride back please .. he this your name is " rug" and he is wiping his feet on you, and your allowing him too.
Move out or get a grip and get angry with him and stay well away . I said to you do not let him be alone or close to you again . Maybe this time; you will listen . Maybe not !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017): Have you stopped looking for another place to live?
You're not supposed to sleep with your roommate. There is no real relationship going on here. You're friends with benefits.
You are trying to form a relationship out of what is merely a convenience for this guy. Sex on demand, with half the rent and living expenses. How freaking convenient!!! You can't find a better deal anywhere!
Then there's the convenience of fishing in a barrel. You don't have to go online searching or making the usual effort of seeking romance; when you can turn to your housemate who is always available. Sex is always a great incentive. It is also a tool for manipulation.
I think the whole setup is going to be your downfall; and you're going to end-up an emotional hot mess. He has by no means made any formal commitment to you; and has told you on too many occasions he doesn't want a relationship. All he has to do is throw you some sweet-talk and get a little cozy; and he's got sex on demand.
Come on now! Can't you see the pattern here?!!!
It was wrong to start having sex with someone who is paying half the bills; when no other type of formal commitment has been established. It gives an opportunist far too much leverage over your feelings; and you're allowing yourself to get played. You only wrote this long post; because you know this is exactly what's going on. Using another guy to make him jealous doesn't reinforce any feelings he has for you; it only makes him protective of his "sexual-property."
You truly have a lot to learn, and you have worked these circumstances so that he comes out the winner; and you're likely to be the loser. He tested the waters by bringing a girl home. She apparently didn't like the setup or the energy; and picked up on the sexual-tension. I'm sure you sent her every negative female-vibe possible, to let her know she was treading on your turf.
If you decide to stop and move, he's just fine. He'll find another roommate. If you stay, you'll cling to this make-believe/make-shift relationship; and he can have sex after priming you with a few sweet comments. Then when he feels like seeing someone else; he'll remind you there is no relationship between you. You always snap out of it when you suspect another female is involved. Then back to business as usual when there isn't one. At least, to your knowledge.
You need to clear your head. No penis is that good! Making sure you're not dating and closing the candy shop; only requires a few sappy text messages and flirtations while he's away. And he can look forward to a great homecoming!
Wise-up, girlfriend! He's not demonstrative of his feelings, because there aren't any. It's just a great set-up for a guy who doesn't want a relationship or commitment; but he can still tap into all the benefits.
Who's the most confused in this situation? The post was written by you, and the length of it shows how completely confused and distressed you are.
Find yourself another place to live, and cut all ties.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 March 2017):
I'm sorry OP, you need to stop living in la-la Land. He had told you TWICE that he didn't want to DATE YOU (he said anyone but given his actions of getting on dating apps and bringing home a girl it seems like it's JUST you, he doesn't want to get serious with).
Having sex doesn't MAKE you his GF. Texting a lot doesn't make you his GF.
HE DOESN'T want to date you. He just wants you to be available for sex and for YOU to not date anyone else. I mean serious! Look at his actions. He wasn't jealous of the guy you "revenge-dated" (poor sod) because if he HAD been, he would have manned up and TOLD you- not "hinted" at it.
He doesn't OWE you a relationship because you are (sorry) silly enough to KEEP jumping in bed with him. He knows that all he has to do is butter up your ego and pop you are in his bed. WHY should he put forth a bigger effort when he doesn't care deeply for you? (and no, I don't think he does). YOU made the presumption that sleeping together = relationship. He made the presumption that sex = casual F buddy thing. How is it his fault that you two aren't on the same page? And you probably won't EVER be on the same page because h DOESN'T want to talk about it - because he doesn't WANT a relationship.
My advice? LOOK for another room-mate situation. Move out, cut the contact and move on.
HE is NOT confused about his feelings. He has TOLD you several times I DON'T want a relationship.
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