A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in 11 year marriage that was dying a slow death. I wasn't happy neither was wife but for some reason neither of us knew what to do. I was approached by coworker and had affair. At the same time wife was too. She chose affair over marriage which would have been severly damaged by both of us anyway.Once divorce process started I began dating. This person has been wonderful, helpful, kind and understanding.Last summer I was again approached by coworker for affair again. And I was approached by old girlfriend (who is married) to have affair.So for last 6-8 months I am dating a wonderful person and having mix of emotional and physical affairs with two other women. They were on/off, mostly off but they did happen.After realizing this was taking a toll on me mentally (guys, please believe me that long term affairs are NOT fun. You fall for the other person and they go home to their husbands and you feel empty and guilty and like a douche bag.) I ended both affairs. The old gf I will have no contact with ever. The coworker and I talk and try to sort out the emotions but have cooled things off for her sake and mine.I now realize I have little or no feelings left for 'real' girlfriend. I don't know if my lack of feelings for her are normal. My divorce is over now. Either way I think cutting her free of my problems is the right thing. She doesn't know and I see no reason to hurt her because I am mental.Thoughts? And before you crucify me for doing what I did I know it was wrong and I know the 'other person' gets blamed in affairs but I was approached in both cases which leads me to believe both other ladies would have found another guy if I was out of commision. The affairs from their end most likely would have happened anyway. Not an excuse for my behavior, I just don't want blamed for the whole affair, only my 1/2.And here is an added sick dimension. Since I decided it is only right to end things with 'real' girlfriend, I am wondering how to meet someone new.
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery helpful. I have bookmarked the answers. Thanks for not judging. I do feel guilt. I made comments several times that I almost felt like I wasn't making some of the decisions I was making. It is no excuse but I have not been the usual me. I almost feel addicted to drama, addicted to stress. If I don't have stress and drama I feel nothing. I guess that is part of needing to come down off that high.I intend to stop things with gf and get into counselor (and be honest) and have some me time.I have to figure out what I want to do or learn or participate in. I have no ideas. I think it is funny how this advice is coming from around the world but sounds like it could be from my sister or aunt. Very good website and quality people on it. I will keep using this. Thanks.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 The 't' on my comp seems to be sticking so here's a few for you to fill the gaps tttt
:-)
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 April 2013):
It kinda goes with the territory that you go a little nuts after seperation and divorce. I have been divorced for 8 years and in the first year I did alot of crazy shit that I am not proud of so I am in no position to judge.
Maybe now you have had all this 'excitment' nows the time to can it for a while and have some 'personal development' time. Take a vacation, do something you have always wanted to do but couldn't because you were marred, learn something new nd get to know who you really are...not he married guy, not the guy who gets into complicated situations...but he guy who wants to heal, learn and find love anew!!!
You arn't ready for that right now, but don't panic because you have loads of time to achieve it in the future, but right now is a time for reflection and allowing your true self to surface.
The fact tha your emotions are all over the place and things are getting messy is your body and mind screaming at you to put the brakes on!!!
Sure it's tough to be on your own, it's scary and unsettling but it's also extremely peaceful and healing.
Life isn't over...it's only just beginning so why rush?
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 You have a coherent speech right there.
"Could care less about hanging around with other guys" - I have a male friend who is the same. He says it's because they use swear words and boast a lot and he doesn't like that. If you think about it, it's great to be able to interact better with the opposite sex. After all, it's a member of that "camp" who you build a relationship with and subsequently a family.
Then again, just like women call each other to some therapy-shopping or treat themselves to hot chocholate and "a cup of" gossip, I think men too can similarly benefit from an evening out on the stadium and so on. As long as you don't totally shove off other males, I think that's fine and no need to beat yourself up about that. Otherwise I'm sure you can get back in touch with an old pal or find in your neighbourhood a few good men without big flaws or bad habits with whom you can engage in healthy friendships.
Well, you have specified that communication was a big problem in your marriage. You say you don't know what hobbies to take up. Books about communication can be one of them. There are delicate stages in relationships (regardless of the reasons) where we see as appropriate to discuss everything and every stage before going forward. Maybe the fact you are unsincere with your counselour is also a sign you find it hard to express yourself (or to accept reality). Neither of these will help you in the future.
I also don't think it helps to continue visiting him unless you are sincere. By nature of their job they are supposed to keep each session under strict confidentiality so no worries about that. If anything, you can change your counselour if needed.
There have been cases when people have not been interested to date but have met their significant others precisely in such a moment, while looking for friendship alone. A friend has found quite a lovely match in such circumstances and also after a divorce, mind you. You never know when it develops into something deeper and if there is already a base of understanding and mutual support and such you know it will be all the more successful.
So indeed, why hurry, when you are not ready to commit. You can just for now enjoy meeting new people, enjoy being a desirable man (you did attract female attention so far, though not of the desired kind as far as you are concerned!) with no attachments, form new frienship desinterestedly and just develop on the communication and whatever you feel has been lacking so far and has hindered you from finding happiness earlier.
What interests do you have, or line of work roughly speaking? Surely there must be a couple of activities to start off with, giving you a healing sensation of satisfaction and inner security. It does not even have to be complicated or complex. My 60 year old neighbour has approached men half his age in the park to play footbal. It doesn't have to be that hard, as I said. Now they call each other to talk about Rafael Nadal. Best of luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI set up and went to marriage counselor. Wife went once with arms folded and gave short meaningless answers and wouldn't go back a 2nd time. I try to go by myself but with work and kid schedule it is often 3+ months before I can get in and I have not been honest with counselor, which I know is a waste of my time. I honestly wanted to save marriage. Maybe I was afraid, maybe I thought I was doing it for kids. Since I am out of house I can say I am a happier person away from her. I was criticized and beat up about everything almost daily. If I did anything wrong over the years it was pouting and clamming up when my feeling were hurt. When I did speak up everything was always my fault or I was the only one having a problem. I don't claim to be superhusband (based on past performance) but I was in it for the long haul and othan my 1 stupid move I did everything I was supposed to. I thougt I was trying to do the right thing up until the end.I didn't take time off between relationships. That is what I think I should do now. I am getting a 'committed' feeling and don't like it. I have not been a truely free person for 13+ years. I need to be able to function and be happy on my own and figure what I do want. Divorce help guides say to find things you've always wanted to do and start new hobbies/interests/activities. I honestly couldn't tell you what I want. I would love to join a group if even to meet a handfull of new people. Not even to date.I think I craved female attention. After so many years of being treated like dirt it was like a drug to have so much attention. I don't know if this goes back to some childhood thing but I crave female attention and could care less about hanging around with other guys. Odd. Never really asked a professional about this.Current gf is a good person. I don't know what happened inside of me but I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to text her or call her or see her. I feel bad but something changed over a 3-4 week period and I have zero interest. I think she has noticed changes and knows something is up. I think I need alone time and I think I'll regret not dating a few other people. I should get an idea of what others are like. Maybe my situation was so bad anything seems better. The meeting of new people should be low on my list of things to do. I need to be ready and I am not. I appreciate your answers and time. I also appreciate you did not beating me up for what I did. I am beating myself up already.
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (20 April 2013):
"before you crucify me for doing what I did I know it was wrong and I know the 'other person' gets blamed in affairs" - you say.No, in fact, I believe the cheating partner is mostly to blame. Temptations are there all the time for us: either disguised as nasty food, dirty business opportunities, alluring mermaids etc. I don't care what tempting appetisers they dangle, if you have a great partner at home, as a wise man you will appreciate it.No wonder you have no feelings for the current girlfriend. You have been seeing her and cheating with 2 women in parallel at the same time, that would make anyone's head spin like riding the merry-go-round. A relationship alone is complex enough for most people to handle. The marriage probably left you feeling drained and helpless as it seems like you sort of witnessed it crumble like a mere spectator - you don't say what you did or didn't do to make it work, or whether you engaged some expert advice or anything to find solutions? You probably jumped right out into relationships to play the field and make up for all the past unhappiness, but did you take a bit of time for yourself to analyse, to draw conclusions and gain a better understanding of all that happened and lessons learnt? Some people prefer to not rip up old sores but it's important to learn from past failures, it makes you feel better about yourself, among other things, it makes you identify patterns, create opportunities, make better decisions, learn how to transform a nasty experience into a positive lesson and so on. I would take some time to do just that.What makes you want to break up with your current girlfriend? You have done nothing but praise her here - though via few comments. Is it only because you feel guilty for what you have done to her? Then maybe take some time off to understand your actions. If she is wonderful as you say, why did you cheat. Sometimes a partner can be wonderful in many ways, but compatibility is just lacking overall big time. In this case, you might as well gently break up and take things easily. Many ways to meet someone new - through friends of friends, special interests clubs, online, etc. But I don't feel that should be main priority for now.
...............................
|
