A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My and my girlfriend of three years recently broke up about 3 weeks ago. For the past two weeks, we've had no contact. She was one of my best friends (my bestfriend before the relationship even started) who I confided in about everything. B/c of that, im taking this a bit harder.For the past three years, we have broken up 2-3 times. There were instances where we wouldn't speak for a couple weeks but I knew we were still together. Couple of the break ups, she would say "im done with this. im going to get over you" but we eventually would get back together. I would never worry about her doing something with another guy because I knew she still knew we would get back together. Recently, we broke up in August. She claimed that she was done, and that she was single. I bought a plane ticket to visit her a month before the break up and we decided that I would still go up. We made love and in my head, we were able to get past our indifferences. We had a little bump a a week later that ended up with us not talking for about two weeks. When she contacted me, I was beaming. Hearing from her after a fight always made me happy. But she was up front that she made a mistake. Because she felt neglected, she asked her ex to keep her company (different schools but same state). Hes obsessed with her so he made the 2 hour drive and they ended up sleeping together (she also made out with someone during that break). She claimed that we were broken up 100% and that she did it cause she felt neglected by me but my defense was that we broke up or took a break 2-3 times before and that I could always count on her to not do that to me. She apologized and to her credit, when i asked, she told me straight up what happened. Never lied.Fast forward to three weeks ago. I was never able to recover. Everytime she went out, I had to ask with who. I got anixety attacks when she would go out drinking thinking she would make a mistake like that. I would freak out when we argue and not talk for 4 days thinking shes going to spite me and sleep with another guy. Eventually it came to the point where she couldn't take my insecurities and asked for a no contact period till she graduates college (one month from now). She said that she was tired of going out and having fun with me in the back of the mind and always asking herself "would he get mad if i did that." She said I was depressing her when she should be enjoying her final month. I get it, but at the same time, its difficult to hear from someone "you're being insecure. i know i made a mistake but you need to suck it up."For my question. Its been two weeks since I last heard from her. I emailed her a long email saying I was done and that I couldn't keep doing this same song and dance about 4 days ago. My only fear is that, that email is equivalent to what she would send me. The emails where she says we're done but we really aren't. Because of that Im afraid of going to the clubs and dancing with other girls because I don't want to ruin anything. The pattern of our history keeps telling me "you'll get back together." I just don't feel comfortable or as if Im ready to go out and do something as harmless as dance with a girl. At the same time im ambivalent because the thought of her already going out and dancing with guys, kissing with guys, kills me inside. It makes me think "why should I stay in when shes out doing whatever the eff she wants." Even with that being said, I can't bring myself to go out because of the false hope and the feeling of not being ready.Sorry for the long story guys.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2013):
 While all relationships have issues and fights, the “breaking up” and going “no contact” for weeks on end is NOT typical or normal or healthy for any relationship.
You no longer trust her (with good reason) and you sent her an email saying you were done and you should be done. It’s only been 3 weeks which is not a long time to heal
You have my permission to fully mourn and be miserable for the firs t six weeks after any break up. After 6 weeks it’s time to get back into your routine… you still may not be ready to date anyone new, but you need to start living and being open to meeting folks even as friends.
The best thing you can do is stay no contact with this girl…. Accept that it’s over and move on… if you let her back in your life to toy with you again then healing will have to start all over again… better to rip off the band-aid and heal fully now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): As a woman of your age range.SHE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU. She left you, she stoped loving you completely, which is why she mde that "mistake"You guy were on a break, so she "did not cheat" technically. You will always have these anxiety attacks, and these thoughts about her. She will do it again.A long distance relationship is hard, like this i harder. You wouldnt be ruining anything, why? you really want to get with someone you cannot trust?Grow some balls and leave her for good, and go out. Even if you just dance (I wouldt sleep around or get into a relationship on your state (too soon)) just go out and have fun! Have your own life and pursue your interests.If she talks to you, tell her of how well you are doing in school or work. Be a man worth missing. Make her feel she screwed up by losing you! Not the other way around.Stop being her puppy dog. Go out, eat at your favorite restaurant, go watch a movie! Go LIVE, re discover yourself. Be a better man.She is doing that, and that is why you pine after her, time for you to go out and LIVE yourself.REgards.
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