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I ended the affair but he keeps contacting me

Tagged as: Cheating, Family, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 August 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 9 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been involved with a married man for over 5 years....he said he's in a sexless marriage and his wife doesn't show him any affection....he can't leave her yet as he feels he would be abandoning his kids even though they are in their late teens...he says he loves me.....but wants me to wait until he's ready.... Well a few days ago on Instagram I saw my lover took a photo of himself with his wife and another couple having lunch in this posh restaurant all smiling.....I was gutted... He looked happy, she was smiling and I felt that if he was so unhappy in his marriage why would he be taking photos?? I confronted him but he said it was only a photo....I ended it with him....but he keeps contacting me....I'm so sad

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

Wow, OP! That is good news for you and him!

Sometimes they need a push by you telling them it is over and then they finally see the light.

Just make sure this is NOT another one of his lies and smokescreens to keep you on the hook. Sometimes they will pull out all the stops, including saying they are leaving, to keep you. I would wait until the divorce papers are signed until you resume your relationship to see if he is really serious about what he just told you.

Not to rain on your parade, but if everything works out, it is going to be a long, hard road for you two because you will find it very difficult if not impossible to trust him once you two become official. The trust issue is going to forever be an undercurrent in your relationship and it will be a very formidable force to reckon with, having the power to destroy your future together.

But I wish you both well. And hope for the best under the circumstances.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

I'm the person who sent this.... Good news! He is leaving his wife to be with me...He will sort out his finances and we can be together as a proper couple! Looks like it's worked out for the best

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 August 2017):

N91 agony auntIf only there was a way to stop someone contacting you...

BLOCK him and next time find someone who isn't married - Problem solved.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 August 2017):

You had a straight choice: wait until the time is "right" for him (which would probably be the 12th of Never because there would always be a reason for him to stay) or decide, as you did, that enough is enough, and end things with him.

If you REALLY want this to be the end, block him so he can't contact you. If he turns up in person, walk away. You don't HAVE to talk to him.

Getting involved with a married man is a no-win situation in 99% of cases. Regardless of how badly he claims his wife treats him, he will stay because it is easier than having the upheaval of leaving. Also, why SHOULD he leave if he has you on the side to provide for his physical needs?

It is HIS choice to stay put. Your strength lies in your freedom to make your own choice in this situation. Don't get suckered into going back with vague promises of "when the time is right". Trust me, it will NEVER be right.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Oh, by the way; if your breaking it off was just for the drama, you're in for a world of hurt.

You will be introducing yet a new phase into your affair. Make up and breakup. It will take a serious psychological toll on you. You'll age prematurely from the frustration and anxiety; and will develop depression, and other health issues.

If you've seriously broken it off, you had better mean it.

Karma is going to do you in, girlfriend. Quit while you're ahead; and still a young and vibrant woman. He's keeping you away from someone better for you. I think he's put enough mileage on you. Enough is enough!

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A male reader, judgedick France + , writes (9 August 2017):

judgedick agony auntin a relationship, there are 2 people and often that is not easy, but in an affair, there are 3 and often more, you can't judge from a photo as what do we do when someone is about to press the button on the camera, "we say smile" we don't know if everyone in the photo is happy, if everyone is just putting on an act, and if everyone is there of their own free will,

I am not going to judge you as to why you got into the affair and kept it going so long, as he might have been leading you on giving you false hope of a life together,

just I often think men that say they are in a sexless marriage are getting a lot more than they say, and have sex with the mistress and then go home and have sex with the wife, you don't get many men say or women that are in affairs saying to the other partner " I can't have sex again as I am sore from been at it all night last night

Manny affairs are not about sex but about egos and one person being able to feed off the fact that they can get this extra attention,

I would say the most part of affairs has nothing to do with the sex or at least the sex is not the important part, as they get their rocks off at home,

the excuses that the cheater uses to justify his cheating are silly, first, he said he was not getting sex at home,

where is there a law saying that he is entitled to get sex outside his marriage if he is not getting it at home, If he is or is not getting sex at home has nothing to do with anyone other than him and his wife,

Second to say he is staying in a loveless marriage for the kids is sick, and an insult to many a father that split from a bad marriage because the husband and wife could not get on and don't love each other anymore, as there is many a couple split up and never cheated in their life, but still kept their role as a good parent, staying in a bad relationship does not make you a good parent,

DID HE NOT ASK HIM SELF IF TAKING ON A MISTRESS IS BEEN A GOOD EXAMPLE OF GOOD PARENTING

Big red flag to anyone that gets into an affair or feels they are being drawn into one, if a person is cheating on or with you, to do it with you they are lying to their other half and if they can lie to their other half they can lie to you,

AFFAIRS ARE A BED OF LIES

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Excuse me? You were gutted? You can't possibly be so naive?!!

Men who cheat on their wives don't have to have a reason. They do it because they can. Five years??? Boy, he's good! Chances are, his wife is aware; but because they have an understanding, she looks the other way. Eventually, she may clean him out. "When the time is right!" So he still has to keep up appearances and make her happy.

News flash! Most cheating husbands lie to their wives and mistresses. Why would he tell you the truth about his wife? If you're both going to cheat anyway, why does it matter?

Do you actually think cheating on your marriage is justified as long as your spouse isn't being affectionate, or won't have sex? That is the most common (if not cliche) excuse given by just about every cheating husband since the Stone Ages! Not to mention they always promise to leave his wife, when the time is right. Which hasn't appeared in the last five years.

I hope he was generous. Only he can't payback five years of using you. I hope you got something in return for your time invested. Diamonds, jewelry, bills paid, lovely clothes, or vacations. Please don't tell me you got nothing!!!

Okay, I'm not making fun of you. I'm fascinated that you could be so gullible.

Well, now you know. It's a little bit of karma. You take what doesn't belong to you; then something you cherish is taken from you. You didn't care how she would feel that her husband was cheating on her. Well, turns-out he's been lying to you too! What goes around, comes around!

You're still young. Go find yourself a nice single and eligible guy who loves you back. Just ignore him.

A big lesson learned in the school of hard-knocks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

He's still contacting you because he is addicted to you and addicted to the affair. And vice versa.

It is not love exactly. It is an addiction. Read up on affair addiction.

That is why affairs are so hard to end. Because those who participate in them become addicted to their affair partner.

You have ended it. Were you serious about ending it or was it just a way to get his attention and get your way? Now you are suffering from severe withdrawal. Hence the feelings of sadness or depression. It comes from the withdrawal of the feelings you have when you are with him. The way he makes you feel. They are like the highs you get from being on a drug. Now that you have quit your drug, you are going through withdrawal. So is he.

It's that simple.

If he loved you, he would be with you, period. I know it's hard to leave a long term marriage with children involved but men DO IT if they are in love with another woman. He does not want to lose his comfortable life built up with his wife but he also does not want to lose you, as I do believe he has feelings for you. He may even love you, in his way. But love isn't enough for him to uproot his whole life. To risk it all. To gamble away everything he has and everything he knows. He may be in a sexless marriage or the sex may be infrequent but he obviously gets along enough with his wife to stay married to her. He really is only giving you excuses to keep you hanging on. He, like most married men, will not leave his wife. Sorry. :( He has comfort and security and an adoring other woman on the side.

Now going out for dinner with friends, of course he HAS to go. He has to go along with it. He has to keep up the façade. He does not have a choice. Likely it is his wife who is making all the plans, including dinner with friends. Doubt he is. So, as a husband, with responsibilities to his wife, he will be going to dinners, or events etc. He cannot just shut down his life with his wife and not do anything or go anywhere anymore because of you. Also know that he is capable of enjoying dinner with friends and capable of smiling when you are not around. This does not affect his feelings for you or mean he cares less for you. He is just living in that moment, and enjoying it, independent of you. Men like this need to compartmentalize. He is switching gears to his husband role when he is out for dinner with the wife and friends. And when he is with you, he is switching gears back again to his role as your boyfriend and he is completely immersed in you and your world when he is with you. And forgets about his wife. I guess you can call it a coping or survival mechanism. For him to be doing this for so long and not being caught, the compartmentalizing is not only significant but necessary. So, the fact he is able to maintain the façade with the wife works in your favour so to speak because it means she is oblivious to his double life and that your relationship with him is not under the threat of being exposed any time soon.

It is a matter of whether you can accept that he is not yours and just yours only. I suspect it gets harder as time goes by - it has been 5 years, a long time for an affair - as you are now fully invested in him and your love for him is deep. And yet he is not returning your investment by leaving his marriage and choosing to be with you exclusively. You feel like you are not as important to him as he is to you. And you are becoming resentful. I believe your pulling the plug on the affair is an attention seeking act, trying to get him to chase you and commit to you. Yes, he will chase you. He is addicted to the affair, he still enjoys the sex with you, and yes, he cares about you. But he is never going to leave his wife and commit to you. So, you have to decide for yourself, is this enough for you? Can you be happy this way? Or will it only get harder? Only you can make this choice.

You see, in the beginning of the affair, we go with the fantasy and the feelings. We do not see the entire or real picture or consequences of our actions until later. When the fantasy dust wears off and the sparkle of the fairy tale blows away, what we are left with is a man who is cheating on his wife and having us on the side. And the knight in shining armour who could do not wrong now becomes an asshole, a player, somebody we will never trust... We see his true colours and we worry that he is going to hurt us too. Because we cannot be surrounded and protected by the fantasy forever. So, it becomes a struggle to keep the fantasy while pushing away reality. But it gets harder to push reality away. It starts to wear us down. And wear us out. Time is not on our side. And we become disappointed, bitter, compared to feeling on top of the world, and riding a high like no other we have ever experienced. Sort of like a fall from grace.

Ask yourself has the pain now surpassed the pleasure? If so, then you have your answer.

It is not an easy situation to be in. I feel bad for you as mistresses get a bad wrap and are told they are whores who get what they deserve. Not so. You are just a woman who was vulnerable and fell for a guy who was married. Clearly, you are not a bed hopper or slut. You fell in love. Unfortunately with the wrong man. But you feel what you feel and it is not wrong. Love is never wrong. You feel the same pain as we all do. And you deserve empathy and compassion as you can often feel so alone and stuck on a dead end road. Unfortunately, at this point, any decision you make is going to cause you some pain. If you stay with him, you will be in pain because you will never have him and it will hurt you that you cannot be with him and he is with another woman, and if you leave, you will be in pain because you will lose the man you love. I believe the greater pain is losing him. But in time, it may be the better choice because eventually that pain would subside. If you stay in this predicament, the pain would only get worse.

You must decide if you are happy with things the way they are. Or not. If you can accept the situation the way it is. Or not. Be completely honest with yourself. You cannot change the situation or his actions. You can only change your own.

If you end it for good and go no contact, he is going to still chase you and not want to lose you. For awhile. But eventually if you really mean business, he will respect your decision and go back to his life. And eventually most likely end up in another affair. You, on the other hand, might feel more at peace with yourself, and find a man who is there for you, and you only, and will love you for all that you are. You may in fact find your true happiness this way. By moving on. You need to get through the pain to come out on the other side, stronger and happier.

Again, only you can make this decision. But whatever it is, you must see it through.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntBlock him or change your number.

And next time, date a single fella. At least a single fella won't rub his wife in your face and vice verse.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (9 August 2017):

Hello OP,

If he was that very miserable, he would have left his marriage a long time ago. Yes, it's likely that he is in a sexless marriage, but he may be afraid of making the jump and loosing the lifestyle he haves right now. A divorce is very complicated process, filled with dread and suffering for almost all of the parties involved, so you need be aware of that.

From my logic, you only have few options:

- You move on, and find a partner that loves you and that it's single and you don't have to be hiding and can build a healthy relationship with. You will end up happy ,and with kids if you want, and he will continue living his same old life which he is too afraid to abandon, and possibly will find another woman to have an affair with.

- You can pressure him to divorce his actual wife as evidence that he really wants to be with you. You can't be 100% sure that he wants to live with you until he really divorces. As a footnote, there is no guarantee that he will end up cheating you on the long run as he cheated his actual wife, so you need to be aware of that.

- You keep waiting for the next 20 years (after his children get married and have kids) until he manages to get the courage to divorce his wife. At this point of life, you won't be able to start a family, have kids, and you could feel like used, cheated, conned, etc, for all of the investment you made on a relationship with someone that was not that into you.

There is no right or wrong decision, really. It's all entirely to you and what you want for yourself and for your future. Whatever you are happy doing and whatever you think it's the right option for you is what you need to do.

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