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Savings for our house keep getting taken away by Mum in law

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 August 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 9 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi cupids... I'm in a bit of difficulty at the moment and don't know if I'm being selfish...me and my boyfriend live together at his mums at the moment.. we are trying to save to buy a house together.. my boyfriends mum lost her job a few months back and now only works part time.. she is struggling to pay her bills - me and my boyfriend give her £600 a month to help out (that is all we can afford) we also pay for electric bills here and there to help... so as I mentioned, we are saving to buy a house- His mum asked us last night for some money (were not talking a small amount here) my boyfriend said no because we only have it in the savings account and we aren't touching it because we need to buy a house but she kept pushing and pushing for the money FROM OUR SAVINGS... she said the money will be returned but how will she return the money if she is in a financial state herself? I'm really getting fed up because I feel like every time we get somewhere with saving.. it always gets taken away and we have to start again.

I told my boyfriend how i feel but he just brushes of and doesn't understand.. we used to out our money into one savings account so it's altogether but after I told him how I felt yesterday he said to me he wants to keep the savings separate (as in I save my own and he saves his own)... why did he say this? I have asked him but he doesn't answer! I'm starting to wonder if he's the person I really want buy a house with if this is how he is treating OUR money for OUR house! What should I do? What if we don't get the money back which we lent to his Mum yesturday? Should I ask for it back or let it slide?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

I'm going through a similar situation to you but at least my other half is currently in a different country.

My advice to you is keep your own money, move out and rent a room which is what I currently do for £75 which includes all bills and Internet.

Don't give any more money to his mother she is just going to keep doing this and you will end up like a slave and believe me you will start to hate your boyfriend and his mother and you will never get on your feet.

Your boyfriend is not going to say no to his mother, so just go now while you can or you will end up with nothing.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntAlso, OP

Consider renting a room away from her house. I think it would be cheaper in the long run and with less drama.

If you don't want to do that, SIT down with her and make a budget. Separate your bank accounts and come to a WRITTEN agreement with how much you pay her a month. IF her son (your BF) wants to give her more, LET him - but from HIS income.

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A male reader, judgedick France + , writes (9 August 2017):

judgedick agony auntWE ARE GETTING ONE SIDE OF A 3 SIDED STORY HERE, first your living in her house, and paying a rent together, that is wrong, you should be paying her your rent and him his, the second what is a fair rent is it 300 each and then pay for extras which can mount up to being 600 each,

YOU NEED TO ASK WOULD YOU BE BETTER OFF just renting a small house on your own and not living under the nose of his mother,

I think it is better to have your own ass than to be in partnership with others in a racehorse because the day it wins you will be left out but left hold the rain the day it brakes it leg,

if your going to have a relationship keep it clean just the 2 of you, then if you wish to help out his mother at least you know what you're doing, and you have the freedom to do what you want when you want and if you want,

in your setup today someone is going to be the loser and I don't know from here which one of the 3 it will be, are you carrying her or is she carrying you and your BF? it is easy to save if someone else is paying the bills,

it could be that you all are wrong here, and you did not say what this extra money is for, if she does not get it will she have the sheriff coming knocking on the door and you all end up kicked out on the street,

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (9 August 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI agree with Honeypie, your savings accounts should be kept separate until you are MARRIED.

That being said I do feel the need to query your statement "me and my boyfriend give her £600 a month to help out" and you also say you "pay for electric bills here and there to help".

Is the £600 your monthly rent? As you mention paying electric bills here and there, does that mean your utilities are usually included in the rent? Do you buy, and prepare, your own food - laundry detergent - toilet paper - dishwashing liquid etc etc or are those also included in the £600 paid monthly.

How much are you saving by living with your boyfriend's mother rather than renting elsewhere and being responsible for all bills rather than just "here and there"?

Your boyfriend may feel that as his mother has helped him and his girlfriend out with cheap rent that he has a responsibility towards helping her when she severely needs it.

Separate your savings .... its possible your boyfriend has suggested this because he feels a responsibility towards his mother that you don't and doesn't want to be helping her with finances you have contributed to.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYou should keep YOUR saving separate! You are not married and should NOT mix your savings or income in a bank account.

And yes, you should ask for money back that you lent her. And stop lending her anymore.

How is 600 not enough to pay your and your BF's share?

Have you 3 sat down and made a budget? If not, have at it.

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico + , writes (9 August 2017):

Lending money to family is the same as giving it as a gift, so you should never expect to have it back. Some people are able to successfully pull it, most don't.

What I think you need to do is the following:

- Move out your BF's mother. She is going to drain your mutual savings account.

- NEVER TELL ANYBODY THAT YOU HAVE A SAVINGS ACCOUNT. Sorry for the caps. Having savings will tell make you the person everybody wants to borrow money from. Have your hidden money stash, and never tell anybody about it. Period. It's your money, it's your gold, stash it as if you were a leprechaun or Gollum.

- Seriously, you need to have The Talk with your BF, and get on the same page regarding money and the house. If your BF doesn't sets healthy limits with his mother, you both are going to go bankrupt and unable to buy a house.

- The best you can do, is stash your money on a personal savings account that your BF and his mother can't touch. You need that money either for buying a house, or moving out if you have to. Having a joint savings account without being married is financial suicide.

For me, it sounds like your BF does not know now to set healthy boundaries with his mother, and does whatever she wants him to do, which is a big huge RED FLAG. Keep your stashed money for you, and NEVER MENTION ANYONE ABOUT IT. If things go wrong with your BF and his mother's dynamic, you can use that cash to start over.

Best luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017):

Get your own bank account today before he gives his mum all your money.You 2 pay for more than enough already do not give her any of your savings.I also would hold off buying a house together until you are married.Look his mum has no job and is having money problems...of course her son will give her all the savings.But the big thing is do you want to live with her forever?If you do get married and get a house and she has money problems is she gonna live with you?Your best bet would be get your money and move into a flat with roommates.If he wants to stay with mum and give her all his money let him.Then you will know how much you really mean to him.Who knows he might chose you but I bet he will chose to support his mum.sorry get your money before it is all gone or you will be stuck there supporting his mum right along with him.

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