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Is it strange to be 'vetted' by your partners family?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 August 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 August 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Does anyone else think this is a little odd, basically I am in a new relationship with a lovely woman and she has told me that a certain person that she knows (I don't know if it is a family member or friend) has 'vetted' me to make sure I am who I say I am.

I've given my partner no reason to doubt that I am who I say I am but she told me this today and it struck me as being a little bit odd.

She told me that her previous partner wasn't 'vetted' because she knew him through her work and that I am a 'stranger' effectively to the family even though I've been dating my partner for two months now.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

YouWish agony auntAhh, I feel your pain and uncomfortability!

Vetting a partner has been done by family since the dawn of time, when the cavegirl's father interrogated the first caveman to make sure he wasn't some psycho, and that he could take care of his cave-daughter. It's done by a close-knit family who makes sure that the beloved son or daughter is potentially marrying someone who wasn't a criminal, or a druggie, or a wife-beater.

In today's technology age, like others have said, it can be done by a simple search of onesself. It's very intelligent, and they want to make sure you're not secretly married, or crazy.

There might be embarrassing things found even by good people. Lots of victims of the 2008 recession made for lots of foreclosures or bankruptcies, or credit card defaults, or other financial black eyes, but the only person who needs an explanation for that is a potential partner, whom most would understand a turn toward hard times, yet make a spectacular recovery. Rising from the ashes like a phoenix is one of the best character traits.

You don't answer to her family, just to her. They check you out because they love her. The really cool thing about a family like this is -- once you're accepted, they'll defend YOU with the same ferocity.

I had to endure extreme vetting by my husband's family, and overcame their initial dislike towards me when they thought I was "stealing" him away. Now, they were the first to come to the hospital when I had surgery, the first to stand up for me and support me. That protectiveness goes both ways!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think it is very sensible and caring of them to do this. If this was someone in YOUR family, would you not be tempted to do the same? YOU know you are genuine, but they don't know you from Adam. Don't take it as a personal insult.

In today's society, where we have access to so much information at the press of a button, people do "vet" other people. We do it at work with applicants for jobs (we check out their Facebook and Twitter accounts and google their names). A cleaning company we know found out by popping one of their employees' names into Google that he had a criminal record he had not declared on his application. Why would you not check out someone who is involved in a relationship with someone you care about?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Welcome to the 21st century where you have access to just about anything.

It is not uncommon for people to do a background check; because so many people nowadays have false or stolen identities, and/or criminal backgrounds. Some are not legally-divorced, dating, and still married. People may do it and you're unaware they have. Ads pop-up on the internet.

I might even recommend it to people dating online.

Employers do it, when they may never even employ you; but they can research whatever they like. Even check your political party-affiliations, social media account, and lie that it has no influence on your hire. Yeah, right!

People of financial means or people who have jobs that require security clearances may be more likely to run a check on whomever they're dating. They can only find public information. If you have nothing to hide, no worries. It's intrusive, but you may as well grow accustomed to it.

My current boyfriend is a wealthy businessman. He took me at face-value; but I know his snobbish friends snooped around on me. He told me which of them told him they did it. So I searched and found-out one has a DUI on record, and two arrests. The other was cited for public intoxication. Yet they had the nerve to check on me? Well, I'm clean! The record of their arrests or charges would probably be expunged by now. That was a few years ago.

I will never do such a thing again. It was only to prove a point. I didn't tell what I found. He probably already knows. I'm not a spiteful or vengeful person; but I knew what type of people I was up against. We're all friends and that's all in the past now. He can rest assured about me.

It's none of her family's business who you are or are not; but if they are politically-active, or aspire to political office, or are a wealthy family; that's something people have been doing for years. It's only becoming commonly done by the average public only recently.

If you have a clean background. Think nothing of it. Chances are it's been done by others you've dated, and you were unaware. She at least let you know. As did my boyfriend, who was furious when they told him what they had done.

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A male reader, judgedick France + , writes (9 August 2017):

judgedick agony auntI think it is normal if you think highly of people around you that you like to see that they are not making a mistake, you have being vetted and came up clean, saying you have not a second wife or you have not a history of using women and what not,

now if you were vetted to see if you come from the right background or looked into your bank account or even if you had done some mistakes as a kid many years ago that would be wrong, as you did not say just in what way you have being vetted I can not pin point my response but just give you a guide to go on

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntDo I think it's strange? Not really. Call me jaded but there are so many people who lie about who they are and their status (married, dating or single) until the relationship is in full swing.

My BIL was dating someone (another crazy woman... but that is a whole other story of woe lol) and she told him SO many fibs about her income, marital status, all kind of things. When he caught her in several lies he didn't know what to think so I told him to spend the $20 on a background check. (they had been talking marriage btw) And guess what? She had been married 8!!! times (told him 3) and wasn't divorced from the last one. So hopefully in the future, he will have learned from yet another dating disaster to NOT take everything a person tells him for face value, especially someone you hope to build a life with.

So I kinda get where she is coming from.

Since you have nothing to hide and didn't misrepresent yourself it shouldn't be a big deal IMHO.

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