A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm a single mum of 2 beautiful children under 5 and last September I met a wonderful man online. The relationship has been great, he's amazing with my children and I love him with all my heart...but I can't shake this feeling something isn't right :-( background is I come from a family where my stepfather was abusive to my mother, had my children with an abusive man and now am with a man that wouldn't dream of hurting me. He lives an hour away and we spend 2 nights a week together, but I can't shake the feeling that it's all going to go wrong :-( he was with someone for 10yrs they were married for 1 year but split 9 months before we met. He was devastated but swears he's over her. I can't get over her though :-( I compare myself constantly, I have no job, no money and 2 kids, she's a proper grown up, independent with a career. I feel like nothing compared to her :-( he's met up with her a few times to discuss divorce/catch up and on the last 2 occasions he's kept the meetings from me, only telling me when he got back to his as I worry so much when there's talk of a meeting. I get really upset when they're meeting as I feel so jealous so he says he kept it from me to save me the worry. I do believe that.The main problems are he only ever cuddles me in bed, he's not passionate and he very rarely compliments me. I feel so unsexy, I have stretchmarks and imperfections and I feel like he doesn't fancy me. We get in to bed and sometimes I have to lie there for an hour before he initiates sex or he falls asleep! I feel so unwanted and unsexy, my confidence is through the floor and sometimes all I can do is cry :-( I'm suffering with depression due to the stuff I've been through and have no idea how to be a rational adult so am worried I'm overthinking everything. I just want to be happy and loved I have so much love to give :-( I tell him how attractive he is all the time and watch all his crap on tv, even when we're at mine! I try cook for him and support him, he cooks for me too ( nothing fancy just freezer food but I appreciate it) I'm not looking after myself, after my children are in bed I never cook for myself as I can't deal with the mess and on days I'm not seeing him I can barely muster up the strength to brush my hair let alone wash. My house is untidy cause I can't face it and the fact my boyfriend starves me of affection only makes me feel even more worthless. He tries to help me financially but it just makes me feel even more of a failure. Please someone give me some genuine advice, some days I just want to finish with him so I can be truly depressed the only thing keeping me going is my children. I love this man very much and he's great to us but he doesn't want to live with anyone in the next year (we've been together 14 months) and I am desperately unhappy living by myself :-( i feel useless and unloved and don't know what to do :-( I hoped I'd be married and settled with a career by now but the reality is i can't settle here and build a life if in a year he will expect me to give up that life to move an hour away to where his job is but am I kidding myself? Surely if he loved me (he says he does) he'd want to live with me? Any advice would be so gratefully received, I'm so low and don't know what to do/where I stand :-( I cry a lot and i dont want to feel like this anymore. I dont want to waste my time with the wrong man but i love him :-( xx
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 Hi,I am going to be brief, because many people gave you very good advice. I hope you read each one of them, and consider seriously to take a step for your own life. You are very young, and still have a whole life ahead. I am really sorry to hear about your abusive past, but know that it's in the past, and you are free now. The problem is that you are not allowing yourself to be free in mind. You still caught up with the past, and it's not allowing you to move forward. I know it's hard, but you need to take first step and seek professional help. You are the only one that can change your life. You are the only one that can save your own life. You are letting your negative thoughts control your life. Right now, you are your own enemy, and you are the only one stopping you to live a happy, successful, fulfilling life. Please, do not feel overwhelmed. Take one day at a time. I think making list, setting time frame is a good start. You need to eat well, so you can be strong mentally, phsysically. Take care of yourself, try to look beautiful (hair, nail, etc) Keep your house clean, open the windows. If you keep busy, you'll feel better, and you'll stop having negative thoughts. It's very easy to get the motivation to do something about it. Look at how you are behaving now? If you were a man, would you date a woman that is always sad, insecure, jealous, sad home?So, before you loose him. Put yourself together... Look beautiful everyday, specially when you see him. Clean your house, open the windows, let the bad energy out.... If you want your man to commit to you, make him love you more, and more everyday. Be happy, loving, caring, pleasant. If you do all that, I am sure he's going to want to see you more often, he will want to commit to you. Make sense, right? You ask us, you don't want go waste your time with the wrong man? Maybe, he's asking himself the same question? So far, all I see is he doing things for you, you expect things from you.... Just know that we all have problems, we all have bad past, but we are trying our best everyday... Many people overcome problems, I am sure you can to. Be strong...Good luck
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 seek help from your doctor then resume your quest for the "perfect man"(ps,there aren't any).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): I think worldly wise gave excellent advice here. you are indeed very lucky to have your beautiful children and a lovely man to look forward to spending time with. Don't worry about whether he lives with you yet, enjoy what you have right now and let things develop naturally. If he wants to wait a year to move in, then let him have that year for himself and use the time to work on improving yourself for the better. Negative feelings are intensified with depression such as your jealousy of your boyfriend's ex. You can't simply snap out of depression, it takes medication and personal strategies to cope with depression.. small steps. But you will feel better as you learn to tackle your depression with help.First you need to visit your Doctor and openly discuss your feelings, so make an appointment first thing monday morning.write a list of things you need to do in a day, no matter how silly they sound, for example.. start with shower, brush/wash hair, dress, breakfast. simple things for most people.. but can be the hardest for someone suffering with depression! Reward yourself with something small at the end of these small steps, and if it works then write another list of small steps, ticking off the jobs you achieve as you go. It can be uplifting as you achieve these small things. make your goal to take the children out to the park or meet a friend or relative for coffee in the afternoon when you achieve a good morning, or do it anyway! it'll do you and the children good.I have suffered depression since my 23 yr old daughter was born! it comes back now and again so i can understand how hard life seems to be.I find sometimes, writing lists of things needing to be done can be a great way to achieve doing some housework which is really hard to motivate myself to do. I don't always achieve everything on my list of things to do but i'm happy if i achieve some jobs. I also break down my jobs into time slots and give myself 20 minutes to clean the bathroom, 10 minutes to hoover the downstairs.. etc and i keep an eye on the time, this helps me speed up and if i finish a job before the time i give myself, i feel better because i know i'm going to finish my tasks sooner than i thought i would! It's only a suggestion, but maybe something similar could help you manage your daily life. Encourage the children to help tidy up too! If the children are able to help with little jobs, give them a little task to do as well, its good training for the future and they might enjoy helping you in their own way.As for a career.. as a 40 something with grown up children i would say.. use the time while your children are young to think about and start gathering qualifications towards a goal career-wise. You'll feel your esteem growing with every qualification you earn or training step towards a skill. A long term goal might be to achieve your dream job by the time your children are e.g. 10 or 12 (or as soon as its realisticly possible for you). Don't set unrealistic goals, give yourself time and don't overload yourself with expectations either, slow and steady progress is much better for you and your family to cope with.It's all about making yourself happy, If you move in with your bf, you'll still suffer depression, maybe not as bad, but you need to take steps to overcome it independently and then you're life will be even better when you finally move in together!Try and make yourself happy, take care and good luck with everything, I hope this helps a little.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2011):
 you are depressed and need to be treated for that before you can fix the other things.
Your partner is with you now. he's good with your kids. he is concerned about your feelings...
when he meets with his ex to go over divorce things.. what are you jealous of? there is nothing nice about hashing out the end of a marriage.. it's a pain totally...
you say he comes to bed and does not cuddle you... do you cuddle him.. I'm in bed before my man comes to bed.. he gets into bed and I instinctively snuggle to him....and he cuddles me back... but I go after him not WAIT for him... there is no need in a relationship to always be the passive partner... sometimes they need to know you WANT them too.. and ACTIONS speak louder than words...
I get few compliments from my partner but when he says I look nice i know he MEANS it.
I think once you see a doctor and address your chemical imbalance (that's what depression is) you may start seeing things in a better light..
I would suggest a twofold approach
anti-depressants to balance the chemicals (and it may not be necessary to do these forever) and JUST as if NOT more importantly: THERAPY with a good therapist... you had an abusive childhood and that carries with us into adulthood and colors what we think of ourselves and how we've learned to relate to other people.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 November 2011):
 "I'm suffering with depression due to the stuff I've been through and have no idea how to be a rational adult so am worried I'm overthinking everything. I just want to be happy and loved I have so much love to give :-( "You know that your not thinking straight at the moment. You do understand that when we have trauma and pain in life we find it hard to trust again. Why can't you imitate sex, why can't you ask for a cuddle sometimes. Not all men understand about cuddling and doing romantic things outside the bedroom. Maybe he is scared of you, maybe he is scared of doing something wrong and upsetting you. How can he live with you when at the moment you agree, you feel depressed, can't even get yourself to cook, are desperately unhappy with yourself. Depression is catching. It's a bad idea for him to move in right now.You are not well at the moment. You really shouldn't trust yourself. Even if he was perfect, you'd still be upset and push him away, even if you were perfect, you'd criticize yourself. You have depression.You need to see a counselor to help you put things in perspective and learn to think more rationally. Have you spoken to the doctor, maybe anti-depressants will help. They sure helped me. Don't buy into the negativity of depression. The guy sounds nice, and he's aware your unwell and still he stays. That's a better kind of love, than the kind of love that only loves you when your stressful and healthy. Don't let your messed up head drive this guy away. Keep talking to us, or better yet, go and talk to a counselor. You shouldn't trust your thinking right now. He shouldn't move in until you can learn to be comfortable and happy living alone. You will suffocate him and become too dependent if he moves in right now. Learn to be more healthy in yourself first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): Poor you, your really going through the mill
Firt count your blessings, 2 beautiful kids, your health and a man around.
Things didnt work out with his Ex for a reason. Maybe he wanted children maybe she wanted the career, who knows. But it's his Ex.
I dont think he's quite over her, 10 years is a long time so he's right not to just dive in to a 'live in' situation.
You need to go and see your doctor, you sound like you have bad depression and it needs to be adressed before you can cope with life.Could be you need counselling could be pills.
You need to bounce out of bed in the morning, start looking for a training course at College maybe,or a part-time job,start to embrace life.You have to look after your health for you and your childrens sake.With your frame of mind at the moment I dont even know if dating is a good idea.
Your still young remember and nobody is 'better' than you, just different.So start by admiring you not knocking yourself.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 You need to sort yourself out before you drive him away. It sounds like you are very jealous and clingy and this will push any man away. You have had a bad past so your trust in men is next to none, and you are not sure on how a normal relationship functions. At the end of the day you need to be able to trust your partner or else it will never work. He already knows that you get upset therefore he is starting to hide things from you. Never a good start in a relationship.
You say if he loves you then surely he would move in with you, but he has a job at the moment where he does not want to move away from. Which I understand. But I don't understand that he wants to wait a year. What is his reasons for this. Would he not be willing for you to move up there now. Maybe he is just not ready yet for that commitment and I guess you need to accept this.
As for you not feeling attractive to him, again you need to talk to him about this and tell him how you feel. Ask him to make more of an effort. Some men just don't know how to give a compliment and they don't see it as a big deal. But to me it sounds like you need constant reassurance so this on its own would be a lot for him to handle.
As for your depression are you getting help with it, you have got yourself in to a rut and you need to snap out of it. Go to a therapist to make a start and try and sorting out your own life. You need to be happy alone before you are happy in a relationship.
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