A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm facing a bit of a crossroads in my life and I'm hoping you guys can help me as you've helped me so many times before.I've been with my BF for 5 and a half years. On our 5 year anniversary he proposed and I said yes. We've talked about dates. He's my best friend and I love him to pieces.We've always had issues here and there with girls, primarily because he's the sort of guy where his friend vase is 80% younger women. Here's a list of issues we've had and managed to get over:- When I met him, he was living with a jealous ex girlfriend- When we first lived together we moved in and out from 3 terrible roommates (all girls)- 3 years ago a girl from his work spread a rumour about him cheating on me with her, I knew it wasn't true but as I had issues at work myself he didn't tell me about the problem immediately, and I'm embarrassed because it got around- 2 years ago he got crazy drunk with some people from work and had a number of intimate kisses with someone about 10/15 years older. The woman is the same age as his mum so he was obviously embarrassed, so am I because none of his 'friends' tried to stop him and as a result (because they talk) everyone knows- I've caught him on tinder after asking him to delete it once, and once again when he reactivated an okcupid account. The excuse he gave was poor but I never got anything else out of it. Neither of them exist nowHere's a brief summary of the biggest problems, it was my choice to try and work with who I have and move on because I know nobody is perfect. My main issue now is, the whole time I've known him he has had a massive lack of empathy and it's starting to effect our relationship more. It may be that it was always like that but I never noticed (I lost my best friend last year and it hit me really hard, and I also got a less stressful job so it's possible that I overlooked some of the small issues in our relationship). He's never been an open person at all about his feelings but that's something I knew I had to accept in some capacity.We get on like a house on fire, we both have our flaws but we make each other laugh and support each other. Recently one or two of his younger girlfriends have been very subtly disrespecting me (deliberately going out of their way to isolate me and act like I'm not a relevant person in his life). It's a challenge I've faced with other friends of his before and something I've always had to overcome on my own, because he never defends me or goes to any effort to reassure me that our relationship is the most important thing in his life). I might be being vague but the little things they do, is not enough for me to kick up a stink about but is enough in a cluster to make me wonder why I'm constantly having to fight my corner. my BF is very argumentative and blames most of the issues we've had on me , saying I have 'a problem with most girls'.He doesn't work where he met the other girls anymore and I don't want to listen to heresay, but there's a 6/7 year age gap between him and his girlfriends, he admits to being a flirt and they have said in passing comments before that lots of rumours have gone around about him in the past. There's simply no talking to him about it though because he won't have it and I end up worse for it and feeling like dirt. I'm so upset because I feel like he doesn't give a **** about me, when I tell him about how i am feeling he makes no effort to reassure me and says it's my choice how I feel and not his responsibility. I have been cheated on in the past but I chose to bottle my trust issues up when I started a new relationship. He goes and does things with these girls on his own which I'm fine with (coffee / bars / etc) but I recently gave him an ultimatum that he had to make more of an effort in showing me that he cares, and that he doesn't do or allow anything to be done to undermine our relationship around others (I shouldn't even have to ask for that) but it's clearly not sunk in and I'm left feeling completely broken. he is happy to sleep without resolving arguments, happy to go without speaking to me for hours, and never says sorry. I know I shouldn't have to be sticking up for my position as a GF or as 'his mates GF'. I don't even want to go home because nothing will get resolved. I don't want to throw 5 years down the pan but I don't know what else to do. Can you offer any advice?Many Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018): If your boyfriend/fiance was a car, he'd be the one that you bought for $500.00 but had to invest $5000.00 over a period of 5 years because the damn thing kept breaking down, needed new tires, didn't pass smog, has a salvage title, sometimes wish someone would steal it so it isn't your problem anymore because it's costing you an arm and leg to keep (if you add up all the TLC you put into it) It's rusting through the chassis, and leaks oil now but sometimes it gets you to and from your destination. Wouldn't you rather have a nice, reliable new car that you can trust with your life that you'll be safe even in an accident? you'll get to invest in that one too...for maintenance, upkeep and insurance will be higher but you're essentially investing in and upgrading yourself, your well-being your credibility, your own reliability when you have better quality in your life and that even goes for your choice in life partners. Time for you to work on upgrading yourself and build a solid "driveway" for a new boyfriend in a few years.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2018): I'm 50 now and I met a 'man' very similar to the one you describe, when I was 25.I have spent 25 years of my life putting up with similar behaviour. 17 years together as a (highly dysfunctional' couple, the rest in a kind of 'pseudo-relationship' with him.My bet is that your guy is on the autism spectrum and that you have very low self esteem, due to being hurt and having your trust broken before you met him. What has helped me is to see the 'relationship' as a form of addiction that you have to treat like an addiction in order to cure it. Generally speaking, what you describe, overall, has the intensity of an addiction - like taking cocaine or alcohol - and it takes you through the highs and lows that an addiction would.How does the addiction start? It starts with you being vulnerable and having low self esteem and believing you will not be able to be loved and have genuine intimacy with someone. You desperately seek to fill that 'hole' with someone.What struck me is when you said that you make each other laugh. Believe it or not, this is the glue that hold the addiction together. It feels real, like real love, at the time that it happens, but it is coupled with destructive behaviour on his part. Instead of him seeing your love and your bond as the basis for working as a team and building a great life together, he will always, always be looking to this as the basis for him to engage in thoroughly selfish behaviours, which all revolve around him needing gratification and attention from others.His absence of empathy that you mention, his need for attention, what I am guessing is the spontaneous, child-like behaviour that allows you to "laugh' together with him - these are all signs that I recognise from being with someone on the autism spectrum. Whilst he seems emotionally available to you when you are laughing and having 'intimate' times, he can't go the full distance emotionally - there's a whole other range of emotions relating to his lack of empathy, and that means he is effectively emotionally unavailable to you.You, craving to be loved, craving to feel whole and not lacking and to be a 'full' person, will keep going back and back and back to him, hoping that he gives you his full love and makes you feel whole.It won't happen. He cannot do it because he doesn't have it in him. You can spend 25 years like I have, effectively giving the person an 'empathy transplant' where they slowly, steadily, learn to feel and stop behaving so selfishly, but it will bleed you dry and leave you confused 24/7 and a shell of yourself. HE will come out winning at the end of this process, because he will seem to have become a changed man, whilst you will be a wreck inside.Please, please do anything and everything to get out of this situation. Don't try to encourage this person to develop an empathy they don't have by giving yours - and the rest of you - over and over again. You are already trying far too hard to understand him and to work with him. You may as well be entertaining the devil in sheep's clothing. I speak from experience. Please leave now. Find other people you can slowly and steadily enjoy different kinds of intimate friendships and relationships with, where reciprocation is key. AND learn to treat yourself as your best friend when you are alone - find ways to nourish yourself in every way - whether that is meditating, yoga, exercise, reading, watching movies, getting a pet, walking in nature, learning to play a musical instrument, learning a new skill at evening class - the options are endless and may feel strange and superficial at first, but find the right activities for you and you will set yourself free.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2018): "I don't want to throw 5 years down the pan but I don't know what else to do."
Do you really want to waste the next 5, 10, 25 or 50 years of your life just because you've already wasted 5 years on a guy who has zero respect for you and so treats you with disdain and absolute contempt?
In business terms, cut your losses and don't throw good money after bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2018): Please don't marry this guy. You won't be throwing 5 years out the window. It just took you 5 years to learn to accept better treatment from your future significant other.
You're also very young, so you'll get over it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 May 2018):
 Amen to Code Warrior's reply.
You think because you have invested 5 YEARS with this guy you now have NO OTHER options?
He sounds like a piece of shit BF! I wouldn't date someone who did all these things to me, let alone MARRY him.
Instead of thinking that by ENDING it you are throwing away 5 years, think if it as - you are ending it because THIS IS NOT what you want in a life partner and in a husband.
Why waste ANY more time on this guy? HE IS NOT going to change. Not for you.
If you stay with him, NOTING will change! You will STILL have to "fight" tooth and nail to "hold" your position as his GF, he IS NOT going to all of a sudden support or stand up for you - married or not!
If you stay with him you are SETTLING. you know you can do better but you don't want to start all over. So you GET the crap you have OR you look forward to the future and decide YOU want a better partner than he can EVER be. And then you GO for that.
READ your post and tell me, WHAT would you advice your BEST female friend to do if SHE had written that post? Would you tell her to suck it up and stay? Be miserable but at least you will get a ring? A little bling?!
Do you really see him as husband material? As father material?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 May 2018):
 Tell us why you want to marry this guy again?
He’s constantly disrespected you for 5 years. You’ve been cheated on in the past and you’re ignoring lots of tell tale signs of another cheat and going along for the ride. What are you expecting to happen exactly? You should know more than anyone what bullshit to not put up with after having experienced it already.
The logic behind ‘weve been together for so long I don’t want to waste my time!’ Is so flawed it’s untrue. Would you tell someone to stay with an abusive partner because they’d been together for 10 years because they’ve wasted their life otherwise? Of course you wouldn’t, so why do you need to stay with a disrespectful man because you’ve spent 5 years together? There are other men on the planet if you weren’t aware.
You keep catching him doing these things like kissing other women and signing up to tinder because there’s no consequences. Why would he stop doing it If he knows you’re going to forgive him? You’re essentially a door mat and he wipes his feet all over you on his way back in from disrespecting him, so can you honestly blame him? You’re enabling his behaviour essentially and saying yes it’s fine to go on your dating sites on the side of our relationship. He doesn’t respect you and I don’t think he ever will do.
You’ve wasted 5 years, how many more will you waste?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (4 May 2018):
 I agree with CodeWarrior. WHY do you want to marry someone that you feel doesn't care about you, doesn't show any empathy? Do you think this will get better with time? It won't, it will get worse. If you don't completely trust him, don't marry him! If you have to go behind someone, worry about what they are doing, the last thing you should do is tie yourself to them in marriage. Yes, 5 years you have spent with him, there were good times. Sounds like there were also bad times. Perhaps your conscious is trying to tell you its time to get out. Why don't you listen? Its alot easier to walk away from a relationship than it is to walk away from a marriage. There's no shame in ending an engagement. What would you tell your friend/family member to do if they were you? Be honest.
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