A
female
age
41-50,
*voiding Relationships
writes:I'm avoiding relationships and I admit I need help. (Well at least I said it). I'm 30 now and really want to be in a loving relationship, marriage, kids the works but I feel I'm past the point of no return. I can't bring myself to go through more heartache. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been out of a serious relationship now for 18 months and in that time I have met men who are really nice but I'm consistantly pushing them away. When I get asked out on a date I make up some excuse so that I'm unavailable but really I'm sat with a microwave meal and a glass of wine and only the TV and my two cats to keep me company. I have managed to go out with a man but I'm always looking for the catch. As soon as things were going really well I backed off and ceased all contact. What is wrong with me? Where can I find help? How can I learn to trust again?I've had a series of really bad boyfriends. Please excuse the essay but I needed to write it all down in hope that it may help me somehow.My first boyfriend of seven years called of our wedding 10 weeks before we were supposed to say 'I do' instead he said 'I love you but I'm not in love with you and I can't marry you. We got back together after a month and later bought a house together. Then 2am Christmas morning he dumped me with no explaination.My second boyfriend was worse. Sober he was Mr Right Champagne, chocs, flowers everything a girl could ask for. But then again he used to call me all hours of the day and night drunk calling me all the names under the sun. He'd never remember of course. He cheated lots of times behind my back once even with a prostitute. Then I fell pregnant so he dumped me. We split up for a year and then met again at work. We got back together and everything was rosey until he started getting depressed and he disappeared for 14 days. I was at my wits end until I came home from work to find him on my sofa! He'd taken 72 paracetamol and half a bottle of vodka! Four hours in A+E later and they let him out!!! I took a week off work and tried to get him help but no one wanted to know. I had to return to work on the monday and I came home to a Dear John letter. 14 days later he returned but it was too much for me and I'd packed his bags.The next was black from Zimbabwe and he moved himself into my flat whilst I was at work and took me for a complete ride. He seemed to have been the inspiration for the film 'Sleeping with the enemy'. The one where all the tins face the same way and the towels folded a specific way. He'd argue if I didn't dust or hoover every single day. He never put any money into the house I paid for everything even though he earnt more than me. He even took me to a posh restaurant for my birthday where my family had gathered on his request but conveniently left his wallet at home. He put me in serious debt (which thankfully later my parents bailed me out of). After all my money had run out he gave me an ultimatum either I quit smoking and sell my two cats or he'd leave. I packed his bags.The last was a recovering alcoholic attending AA regularly and never touched a drop til he was left alone in my flat. Apparantley his ex had called him so he went to the local shop about a 10 mins walk away and drank a litre of vodka before he returned. When he got back he drank almost every drop of alcohol in the house. Then he lost control of all bodily functions all over my sofa and cream carpet. It took me about an hour to break into my flat. In the morning I called his sponser from AA after he said that he needed to have a drink. I couldn't stop him he took a tall tumbler glass filled it with the last alcohol in the house (neat vodka and brandy mixed together) held his nose and downed it in one. When his body tried to reject it he held his mouth and swollowed it back. I called his sister to collect him and later took his things round.These are just the highlights there have been others that lasted only a few weeks or months and they have all ended in heartache and disaster. Some returning to their ex (cheating behind my back), one just wanting sex on tap, one ex drug user turned psychotic. The list goes on and I can't seem to put the past behind me and I'm scared that if I do I'll be back to square one. I really need help but don't know where to turn.
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alcoholic, at work, christmas, debt, depressed, drunk, flowers, got back together, his ex, money, prostitute, split up, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Avoiding Relationships +, writes (8 July 2008):
Avoiding Relationships is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the great advice.
Writing a novel is an option I hadn't thought of before. It maybe something I can do when I get a happy ending for it!
Please note the 'when I get' not 'if I get' part.
I kind of took a-g55's advice about the hypnotherapy sessions but as my purse was looking a little empty I borrowed a couple of books from the library (I'm not sure if I can name authors etc on here) by a well known hypnotherapist who had a tv programme initials PM. One came with a CD and it really seems to of had a positive effect on me. I feel much mre confident about myself and able to face the world once more.
I'm still not in the dating game yet but hey Rome wasn't built in a day and I'm only on week two of the cd. Having said that watch this space I'm confident I can get there it's now just a matter of when.
All I can say is I hope that Emilysanswers is right about the 'being owed big time in luck' part.
Any advice on finding the Mr almost right (I've worked out that no one is perfect already) and seeing as in the past all I've managed to find is Mr Idiot (to put it politely) I'm in need of some more advice cause I've obviously been barking up the wrong tree all my life!!!
A
male
reader, a-g55 +, writes (28 May 2008):
 very good positive reply from emilyanswers. everything u have sed there is right. what id like to add is that as im reading what u write about ure past boyfriends. u are very aware or what ure feeling and how ure past is makin u behave but u just dont know what the solution is. u dont know how to make it better. positive thinking is a great idea. however it wont last very long is u use your own will power to think like that. what u need to do is see a hypnotherapist who can program better thoughts and behavhiors in to your subconcious so u natrualy think and act in that way. u wash ure previous behaviors and thoughts away and replace them with new ones. it will never work if u use ure concious mind to object to what ure subconcious is going to think and do anyway. there is excersises like painting pictures of u and a man together and happy. sleeping on one side of the bed and saving that for when your new man is discovered. parking your car on one side of your driving leaving space for his car. u might not have him now but if u believe he is on his way soon. then he will be. but i do reccomend a couple of hypnotherapy sessions to set in stone ure new set of thoughts and behavhiors which will make u feel very self confident and positive!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 May 2008):
Flipping heck. Well the first thing you should do is write this all down in a novel and then give yourself a happy ending. You may still be single in real life but you'll make a million from it.
To be honest I can see exactly why you have trust issues, and if you didn't, I'd tell you you were an idiot.
You need to think about these 3 positive things.
1. You've survived. With each of these men, you've kicked them out - not stayed with them and taken their abuse - you've been strong. In some cases you could have done it a bit faster but you did it none the less!
2. (a bit of a story) after I got mugged on the way home one night, I became terrified of any teenage boys in baseball hats / hoodies. I could have gone on being terrified of them, crossing the street to avoid them, having panic attacks etc. But I realised it was just irrational fear. Not all teenagers are going to try and stab me for 20p. Some will, but most wear a hoodie because it's fashionable.
The moral: get back on the horse and keep telling yourself that not all men are pigs / abusers / psychos. Your best place to get help is from yourself. Face your fear and it will get easier.
3. You keep getting offers. You haven't stopped shaving your legs and become a man hating monster in dungarees and crew cut. You are obviously an attractive and intelligent woman.
So yes, you need to date. You need to explain early on that you have trouble trusting men (although don't tell the whole story why as that would take all night) and want to take things slowly. And you need to face your fear of letting someone get close to you. You can be very selective of who this is, but you have to take a leap of faith in yourself and your ability to choose a decent guy.
It's got to be you who pulls yourself out of this, but you do have the ability to do it because you recognise what it is you are doing and when you are doing it.
Oh and quit smoking and use the money to buy lottery tickets. You are owed big time in luck.
Good Luck!! xx
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