A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy, who is now my boyfriend, 3 months ago. He has made it clear he is really into me. I wasn't sure if I was atttacted to him enough, but he was lovely to me and we had a lot in common, so I went with it. I was very happy to fiND we worked really well, in the bedroom, and we got on great and had fun, and he treats me really well.However, things have changed after we made it official... we have had a few arguments now when we have been drinking. They are basically him telling me he thinks we should spend more time together and huffing about us not having sex one Saturday. The thing is, I have been spending most weekends with him, all weekend or most of it, and I'll go to his house 2 evenings a week also. He messages me continuously all day. I thought our sex life was really great, and was looking forward to having a lot more. But his grumpy huffs, and arguments have basically turned me off him... Last weekend he demanded that I say "I love you back" when he told me, but I didn't so he stormed off... This weekend he didn't want me to go to the next bar with friends because he wanted me all to himself.He's made a joke about sex being my duty, when he had a bone in the morning and I had just woken up with a hangover. I thought things could be great between us. He seemed normal and my friends liked him. He is good in bed, gives me orgasm etc. BUT I'm just not sure anymore. I can't deal with huffy, passive aggressive behavioir. We've only been together a short whole and he wants my whole time and attention. I don't want to lose my life and independence because I have a boyfriend. Sorry, but that's not my idea of love. I have been in a controlling abusive relationship before and lost everything, my job, my friends, my davings, my sanity, everything. I am scared of that ever happening again. I'd rather be single. But I would also like a life partner..just not someone who wants my full.attention whenever I am not working and who thinks my body is for their sexual pleasure and who gets huffy if they don't get laid once in a while...What do I do :(
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 July 2017):
 I got as far as the '...stormed off' when you didn't say you loved him and had enough.
Cut him loose. You only met him three months ago and he's already high maintenance.
This is as good as it's going to get.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 July 2017):
 Don't date a guy for his "potential". Date him for who he is.
If he can HANDLE a chat about this (like a grown up) then maybe there is room for improvement, but I have found that people who "joke" about things that seem a little "politically incorrect" or "questionable" they ACTUALLY mean what they "joke" about. It's just easier to pass it off as a joke rather than the truth, JUST in case.
And YOU, tell him no means no.
A hardon is NOT foreplay or seduction.
And make SURE you explain you need some ME-TIME for your own things, friends, family etc. That it doesn't mean you are less committed but that you are an INDIVIDUAL and you are not giving that up for a relationship. Does he not have friends of his own? hobbies?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): It's obvious what you must do. You want a life partner. And this isn't the guy you're looking for. This guy is great in bed, okay, so are tons of others. This guy throws tanturms, is passive aggressive about sex and wants you all to hismelf all of the time, and it's only three months in. Imagine how he will be after 6 months. Or after a year. Oh no. Better to end things now before you get stuck and he takes over your life, and before any more time is wasted. You already know he's not the right match for you, so you know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): 3 months is enough for him to start showing his true self, and you're not liking what you're seeing. Don't waste time forcing a relationship when he's not the man you want him to be. You can't change him, or expect him to change. He is who he is, and he sounds like he holds some quite sexist views towards women that I personally wouldn't tolerate. Belittling you in front of friends with the comment about seducing him is another warning sign. While you had hopes for this relationship working out, and were pleased to tell people, it's looking quite clear that you're not suited as a couple. Your ideas and hopes for the relationship are not the reality and you cant continue to be with this man - who will just get more possessive and controlling as time goes on - hoping that he will suddenly fit your ideal of the perfect boyfriend. End things, be safe and either have someone with you (maybe waiting outside) because I think this current bf does have warning signs for being controlling and he will turn on the charm to get you back - promising you he will change. Be strong and don't let him back in. No man demands a woman says I love you back and a decent man doesn't get pissy because his gf doesn't feel like sex. Finish things and block all contact, no reason to stay in touch or forget a friendship just move on. I'd recommend seeing someone for some talking therapy or counselling as you want to move forwards from your previous relationship, which must have been awful to lose so much. It could help you avoid being with similar men in your future x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. Really good advice.
I know his behavior isn't abusive, and he has taken responsibility for some of it and apologized which my evil ex never did, quite the opposite, it my MY fault he hit me. So this guy is not in the same category.
I'm fully prepared to walk if things don't change for the better. I have also decided I need some counseling to fully get overy the abusive relationship. I don't always go for this type, most of my men have been laid back to the point where I was a bit clingy at times. I know that this guy is really into me, more than I am into him, and he knows this. But I have chosen to be with him, because I like him enough and saw potential. Things were going so great and I was very happy to make it official.
As for the sex, I do have a high sex drive, when the guy turns me on I can go all night and we have had some great sex. But it's true that I need to feel loved or seduced to want to have sex. He has sort of expected it by showing me his peen and expects me to get horny too rather than initiating it and, I'm just turned off right now.
Maybe it's just not going to work out, but it's dissapointing because I thought I'd found a gem and have told everyone about him etc. I was also looking forward to being with him and the things we had planned :( now I'm bummed out.
He made a weird comment at the weekend, I made a joke that I had to seduce a monk to acquire a necklace, then my bf said, you could try seducing ME! This was in front of all of my friends so it was like WTF! They all raised there eyebrows and my best mate spoke to me about it and thinks I'm not happy. It was embarrassing and he wasn't even drunk.
We did connext really well and told each other stuff. I owe it to him to talk to him. But unless his expectations of me become more healthy, and he is less "intense" then it's just not going to work out, sadly.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 July 2017):
 Uhhh, yeah. People who act like this turn out to be bunny boilers. I would have had it out with him, hangover and all, when he "Jested" about the boner thing.
This guy is possessive and controlling, and after 3 months, his true colors are starting to show through.
Here's what concerns me though, OP. You say that the last boyfriend you had was really controlling, and now this one is exhibiting signs??
You should really evaluate what's attracting you to these types. It's the same with women who find every woman-beater to be with, and you hear about her getting pounded on by every man she dates. Well, she was attracted to the traits of someone who had that in them.
If you're seeing a pattern of controlling and possessive behavior in the men you're dating, you need to isolate what it is you are attracted to, the similarity (i.e. high passion, jealousy masquerading as protectiveness, the need to take ALL of your time, etc.), and change who your "type" is.
I'm not kidding. If you see a pattern, make sure the next guy you date ISN'T your type.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (18 July 2017):
 The line that rang alarm bells for me: "things have changed after we made it official". Once you became "official", you became his property. Can you imagine how he will up his game if you were to become engaged/married?
They don't say "many a true word is spoken in jest" for nothing. Him "joking" that it is your "duty" to provide sex will not seem so funny down the line if he chooses to enforce that or make your life hell because you choose not to put out (as he is already showing you).
If this is how he is behaving after a few weeks (when people are usually still in the honeymoon period of the relationship and on their best behaviour), can you imagine what he will be like further down the line? Why would you even want to put yourself through that?
Women need to feel loved to want sex. How long before his demanding behaviour puts you off sex all together? And then what?
And as for DEMANDING you tell him you love him, WTF? Sweetheart, you have been in an abusive relationship before. You KNOW the signs. Please look after yourself.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (18 July 2017):
Do you see anyway that this could change into a satisfactory relationship? For longer than just a day or a week?
I didn't think so. It is never too soon to leave a hopeless relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 July 2017):
Honestly? I don't think ANYTHING you say will change his attitude. He really ISN'T joking when he says it's your duty. He means it. THAT is why he says it and that is why he acts like a pissbaby when you turn him down.
It's only been 3 months and it's already a tad rocky. He is already trying to "lay down" the law and he wants you to tow the line and do as you are told.
Personally? I'd end it now. It's only been 3 months and you have only seen the tip of the iceberg here. YOU know the signs.
You CAN try and talk to him, like Auntie BimBim suggests, but I wouldn't hold my breath that he will change.
I definitely rather be single too than have a BF who thinks that because he has a hard on sex should be on tap.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (18 July 2017):
 OK, so you have a prior relationship that was controlling and got very bad for you. Now your current Man is starting in on some controlling behaviors. You are absolutely right this is not the man for you.
But your man picker seems to be a little out of tune. You might want to spend some time in individual counseling before you start another relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): Girl I've been through to same thing before. I put out constantly, offered quickies and BJ's for when I wasn't feeling it, everything. But if occasionally I wasn't in the mood, such as during a two day stretch of arguing or after a long day, I was horrible. He even went as far as to say that I act like my lady parts are gold. What a douche bag he was. See, there's guys who have actual well thought out values, and then there's guys who go their lives thinking women are meat and are there mostly for a guys sexual needs. I agree with the previous response saying you should have a talk with him, in the most nonthreatening, productive way that you can manage. Just as guys have such chaotic sexual needs, us chicks have some pretty chaotic emotional needs so it works both ways. I couldn't believe some of the stuff that came out of the guys mouth I used to date. Talking about going to go jack off because I denied him a round a time or two. You'd think someone who's typically single and not getting much would appreciate getting laid seven eight times a week, but every situation isn't the same I guess. You're body is your temple and your sex life is just as much yours as it is the person you're with. There's depriving a guy, and then there's turning down sex on eight hour intervals because, well we're human not blow up dolls. Quality over quantity
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): I understand exactly where you are coming from with regard to wanting to maintain your independence but perhaps this guy is just really into you and your past relationships are making you feel this is more of an issue than it actually is. Try and talk with him when you have not been drinking as perhaps the relationship can become what you want it to be, if he is the one you want to be with that is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017): Sexual compatibility is an age-old issue. Couples seldom have identical sex drives. The person with the lower sex drive can feel like they're being used for sex. The person with the higher sex drive can feel trapped by the fidelity commitments of a relationship. If the relationship is to be successful, both of you have to make accommodations. No easy solution here. It requires love between the two of you, commitment to being together (like "we're in this no matter what" kind of commitment), and lots of respectful dialogue.
One question back to you is, "Does it seem that alcohol is a key factor in your disagreements?" Getting tipsy as adult can be fun, but getting drunk seldom brings out the best in anyone. It sounds like drinking too much is a issue with respect to your relationship.
My other question is, "What are you bringing to the relationship?" It seems you know and can articulate what you want and don't want, but haven't considered what he does and doesn't want. Relationships are always about 2 people's wants and needs...and about caring enough about one another to balance your individual objectives with your partner's.
With respect to his behavior towards you, no matter who it is or how great a partner they seem to be, run like the wind if you sense any abusive behavior. Since you have been there, I trust you know the difference between spats and petulance versus abuse.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 July 2017):
 you print your final paragraph out and practice saying it out loud ... then you find some neutral place, not his house, and you sit him down, make sure he is looking at your eyes so it sinks in and you tell him that.
If he doesn't listen, or refuses to acknowledge your autonomy over YOUR body don't waste any more time on hom, pick up your purse and walk.
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