A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 weeks. Things were going so well until yesterday evening.He invited me to a wedding and I gladly accepted the invitation (the bride and groom wanted to meet me too)The wedding was a sunrise one so it finished around 2pm. The wedding party decided to go back to someone's place to keep partying. I had been up since 3:30am so I decided to take a nap. I went back to the party after my nap and saw my boyfriend in the pool kissing the bride on the cheek and her legs were wrapped around him. At the party he flirted with women, and put his arms around them all the time. Everyone there had partners but it was like one big flirting orgy.This morning I asked my boyfriend about it and he said that's how he acts around his friends and nothing will ever happen between them all because they all don't cheat and never would. I was shocked at his reply. Then more things came out like he likes to go out alone with females on a regular basis. He has movie nights with girls who are married and goes out for lunch with them.By this stage I told him I wasn't sure if this was what I wanted. I tried to explain that it wasn't a trust issue, I just wanted to be made feel special and didn't feel comfortable with him being alone with women at such an early stage in our relationship. He then ended it right there because he said this is what he does and he also said he would have to lie about seeing other women alone because it I something he has done for many years.I'm heartbroken that there was no compromise, no compassion, nothing.Should I be accepting this kind of behaviour about him seeing his women friends? Am I overreacting by not feeling comfortable with it? Please help.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 November 2014):
 I think this has nothing to do with lack of compromise or lack of compassion.
YOU two were at a wedding, a joyous occasion so he might HAVE been more hugging then usual with female friends, maybe he is always like that. My guess is when he LOVES people (and I mean friends too in a "friends way")he shows it.
You have been dating 3 weeks! You HARDLY know the guy. Maybe it came as a bit of a shock that he was so affectionate towards long lifetime? friends..
I know in my group of friend we were all VERY affectionate and a LOT of banter, that "outsiders" didn't quite get at first. But that doesn't mean we crossed boundaries.
Now you know. This guy seems NOTHING wrong with how he treats his friends. If you have a problem with it, it's just that.. YOUR problem and then... HE isn't a good match for you.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (16 November 2014):
 I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, as long as the boundaries are clear to all.
However if his behaviour toward female friends is virtually indistinguishable from his behaviour with a girlfriend and he sees nothing wrong with this, then he's just not the guy for you. He wouldn't by the guy for most women either.
After only three weeks of dating I'm a bit concerned that you're already heartbroken.
He's not a stand up guy and thankfully you found that out at this early stage.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (16 November 2014):
There was no compromise or compassion- on your part. After three weeks you wanted to remake him entirely. I think he's had a rather fortunate escape.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2014): You're not wrong. He's not wrong. You just don't see the world in the same way. That's ok.
Find someone who agrees with your world view.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 November 2014):
 I don't like this question because of the way it is worded it will be a wasps nest to enter the debate... But here goes.
You and him are just different. There's nothing wrong in what he does or what he wants to do, and there's nothing wrong in you not liking it. But there IS something wrong in you expecting him to change for you. You got to either take people as they are or let them go. He realized this would be a problem, so rather than dragging it on and getting shamed for his behaviour, he found it best to end things. Personally, I would do the same.
I am like your boyfriend, I can very well end up spending time alone with male friends, when I feel it is just platonic and I am comfortable with it. I MYSELF know the limits, and do not need a boyfriend to supervise me, as if I am an irresponsible child. I would be quite offended. I also could not be in a relationship with someone who takes everything so seriously and is, the way I see it, insecure. It's just not going to end happily. There's no way someone else's insecurities are allowed to dictate my behaviour. My guess is, this is how he saw it as well.
Why compromise? What's there to compromise on? You made your position very clear, and you made no room to compromise on things. You only wanted him to change. The message was quite clear.
It is quite clear that he was not right for you, because his behaviour is more liberal and free than what you would feel comfortable with. So just accept that this is the way it is, he made the right decision to end things. Now you are free to find a man who's idea of friendship/level of intimacy with others matches yours better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2014): I'll second the below - three weeks is nothing against years of friendship. He wants someone to take him for who he is, why should he change for someone he hardly knows? Its just not a right match. You found out a deal breaker early, be glad, it gives you more chance of finding someone who more fits to your ideals - good luck in your search!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (16 November 2014):
His friends are important to him, and he is unwilling to give them up for a woman he has been dating for THREE weeks. Wise man. They have been in his life for a lot longer than you. He is a very secure, confident person and he knows he needs a partner with those same qualities.
My ex husband and I were friends with a couple. The husband and I both liked horror movies, and the wife and my husband both liked Hollywood blockbusters. We would frequently have "movie dates" with the other's partners, and I assure you nobody became upset or jealous in the slightest. Friends are friends.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 November 2014):
 How lucky you found after investing only three weeks in the relationship. Its seems you and him are incompatible, and while there is no indication of wrong doing I have to say I would probably have felt uncomfortable as well.
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