A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I can't seem to stop cheating on my husband. I cheated on him before he and I were even married, and I've cheated on him after we were married, and am still cheating on him.I cheat on him with one of my current co-workers on occasion. The co-worker lives far away in another city across the country, but i see him a few times a year at meetings, and we have also traveled together. I vowed to stop sleeping with my co-worker last year when I had a baby because I was worried that the baby may not have been my husband's (it was thank god), but sure enough I went to another work meeting a few weeks ago and just couldn't resist sleeping with my coworker (who is also married with 3 children). I feel like for some reason while I like monogamy and having a family, I find monogamy to be monotonous, and it's exciting to see my coworker every few months....things with him are very exciting and I am actually able to enjoy sex. I feel like I get a lot of pleasure out of doing something that is considered so taboo, which when I rationalize it, is so messed up.For some reason, I have always thrived on male attention in my life (and no, I had NO "daddy issues" growing up). None of my friends or family know that I have been a serial cheater, and I am so ashamed when I think about it, but I just can't stop doing it. WHY????? I have such a "perfect" family life and husband and 3 beautiful children, and a great relationship with all of my in laws and everything....why am I risking throwing all of it away on these affairs?! I don't get it and I can't understand this part of myself.Also, I have absolutely NO desire to leave my husband and family for anyone else, I just get such a rush out of these little liasions I have with my coworker, and I can't seem to stop doing it because they make me feel excited and like I'm stepping out of reality for a few days.Outwardly, I am a very professional, very good looking woman in a high-powered job, and I have a lot going for me in my life....why is this part of me so messed up?
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, no desire Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 Anon reader, I am not sure I get what you mean.
Of course sitting in the box of married life can feel stifling, limiting, boring, etc. at times.
The fact remains, that nobody made you sit in that box, you chose of your own free will, after , hopefully, having weighted pros and cons, and accepted that marital status implies some limitations. If you want no limitations whatsoever ,- which is perfectly fine- then don't get married.
It's like you become mmber of a fishing club then you decide " Oh it's so boring to just sit by the river all day long with a rod in your hands ! Tomorrow I'll just throw bombs in the water and catch fish that way, it's more exciting ". Maybe- but not very respectful for the association you voluntarily joined.
Or, if you got hired as, say, an accountant and you found out that crunching numbers all day is a bit boring. So , you'll still keep your job, reaping its benefits and security,- but you'll devote half of the time, on the sly, to something more " fun " and creative, like writing a book or composing music.
If you don't like the rules of the association ( club/ place of employement/marriage ) you just LEAVE - who's forcing you to stay ? You can leave, and be free to do whatever you want.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Oh god, just reading a few of the other comments,really it is like an attack, you're coming on here for some advice, not lightly, because obviously it's bothering you a lot, it really angers me when people take out their own personal issues and anger on you because you possibly remind them of someone who hurt them in the past and then people get negative preconceptions about people and judge and them straight away, and just attack them.That to me, isn't helpful! Basically, I get what you're saying, I totally get it, I hate these social norms and boxes that we're supposed to fit into, life isn't black and white and we can sit in a box of married life and feel the pressure to sit into whatever box people expect us to fit into, and frankly I'm sick of that way of thinking, of course there's concequences to cheating and all that, I'm not arguing with that, but this concept that we're supposed to just get into our social box and sit in it quietly and not have other feelings etc. till death doesn't sit well with me.People change, routines get boring, that's life and some people actually want change and a new dynamic in their lives and cheating isn't probably the best way of doing it, but I understand why, you are not perfect, you make mistakes, you're not a robot, you have a brain and you're human.I understand where you're coming from and I understand that it's not so simple when you've got such conflicting interests! I hope you work something out, it's such a confusing, limbo place to be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 October 2013):
 An acquaintance at the gym went through a similar 'crisis.' She wound up with herpes and her marriage is totally on the rocks. Sad to watch.
This is such a no-brainer I wonder why you can't see it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2013):
 so you love your husband and sons and want to keep the marriage but will miss the rush... you need to find a hobby that gives you that rush.
sky diving or swimming with sharks or something...
and I agree that some therapy would be a great idea... it helps you figure it all out and it should NEVER be the last resort.
I think EVERYONE should go to therapy.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 October 2013):
 "But no point having therapy if you don't want to stop"
It sounded very much like therapy is a way to stop? But therapy isn't to try and make anyone stop or do anything really, it's just to figure out what you actually want or need.
And if you call commenting on your post attacking it, well, that's your call. I've got nothing against you or your post, I just wanted to clear something up that it seems more people than you think (after reading the following answers). That therapy is some sort of last option when you can't handle things yourself. Therapy isn't about that. It's not like you go to therapy when you're desperate and need a fix. Therapy doesn't fix anything. It's just a means to reach an end. If someone goes then that just shows they want the best for themselves, no matter their personal situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (21 October 2013):
 If you really do love your husband, then quit flirting and cheating...it's that simple. If you can't stop, get help from a trained therapist.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): I really love & care about my husband and 3 boys, they are my whole world. I also want be with my husband and be committed to him, We have been married for 12 years now and I want to keep our marriage going and I will do anything to make it work. I truly love my husband and I know some of you don't believe that, but I do.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 October 2013):
To Chigirl: I did not refer to therapy as treatment so not quite sure why you are attacking my post.
The OP is having sex with other men, this could indeed be a sex addiction which is a condition and can be helped with THERAPY!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): Why did you get married? You've already substantiated that it was not to honor marital vows. So again, why did you get married Miss Madame Professional?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 October 2013):
In response to Aunty Em: Therapy isn't treatment. You don't treat personality or behaviour as if it was the flue. Therapy is a way to understand your behaviour, understand yourself, and perhaps reach an answer.
Back to the OP:
Having the answer gives you the key to how to solve the problem. Whether you choose to solve the problem, or if you think there is no problem, is up to you. But figuring out who you are is helpful to anyone, no matter their circumstance. Therapy isn't something you "need" only in certain circumstances, like the flue shot is needed when wanting to not catch the flue. Therapy is something you seek out when you think you can benefit from it. You don't "need" a reason, you see for yourself if you think it would be helpful or not. It's like working out, you don't "need" it to avoid getting sick, but it might help you out in avoiding it.. So it might be worth a shot.
OP, you are getting attacked by people, ignore them. People are always eager to judge, I do it myself too. You do too. But their judgmental comments aren't helpful to anyone, so I ask you to ignore it.
For everyone else on this thread: Really, people, if you can't think of anything helpful to say then why bother typing. This isn't a court and you aren't the judges, the woman is asking for help/advice. If you can't give it then shut up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): I have never, and WILL NEVER buy that people get "bored" in a marriage or their marriage is "monotonous" and that's why they cheat. If you're a serial cheater then there's noting wrong with your husband, and the fault lies within you. You can boast about your professional, businesslike, smart attitude all you want...the problem is not with your business sense. It's with your MORALS. Maybe you have an addiction. maybe you need counseling. If you are as intelligent as you claim to be and you REALLY wanted to stop cheating on your husband, you'd have the intelligence to say "this is bad" and refrain from giving into the temptation of cheating. I suggest you seek counseling, if your problem is that out of hand. I will leave you with this warning: I knew a woman who also was a professional, and she seemed to have it all. Nice husband, two beautiful kids, beautiful home in a great neighborhood.Due to constant partying, she had lost her job...Then, One thanksgiving her hubby caught her with another man....And she lost EVERYTHING! Hubby, home, and even custody of her kids. Don't think you'll never get caught, because you will. Ask yourself this: Is the occasional roll in the hay with your co-worker worth losing your family over? If you really love your hubby and kids, you'll think twice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): You should tell your husband. His heart is on the line. Could you imagine if he were the one with the cheating habit, and you were the one that thought he were all good and faithful? If he sleeps with another woman, would it bother you? Think about what you are doing. Life isn't a game. The least you could do is tell him, so that he can either move on and find someone that will respect him for whom he is, or you can find counseling. I have been cheated on. The longer he lives the lie, the harder he is going to fall. It isn't fair to him, and it sure isn't fair to this little human being that you have brought in to this earth. If you want to be with your husband, the step up and be a wife. If you don't want to be with him, then honesty is the best answer.Honesty is best to begin with. You may have hidden it this far, but he will eventually find out.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 October 2013):
Are you asking for help how to stop? or are you asking for approval? or do you just want to know why you do this but not really want to stop?
Maybe it's a sex addiction? Maybe you need therapy? But no point having therapy if you don't want to stop.
Eventually something will make you stop!
You will probably end up cheating with the wrong kind of man who might start blackmailing you or your husband might find out through someone else...That will make you stop!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): Cheating has a big appeal if a person can hold down their screaming conscience and avoid getting caught.Doing immoral things quickly becomes much easier for a person to handle if they do them more times. The moral objection from inside gets much less powerful once the line has been crossed multiple times and the sky has not fallen after all.Put these two factors together and I think it goes a long way towards explaining why some people behave like you do. Whatever the circumstances that started your cheating habit, the bottom line is that you have simply gotten away with it for far too long. You have become far too calloused against attacks from your conscience and fear of consequences if you get found out. Its like stealing or doing drugs. The first time is the biggest step. The second time is a smaller one. From there it quickly gets easier to handle and harder to resist doing. Until one day you look in the mirror and realize that you have become someone that your earlier self would never have believed possible. It sounds like you have adjusted your moral values to accept what you are doing. If you had not then you would have stopped. You understand intellectually that what you are doing is wrong, but you don't emotionally feel that it is wrong because you don't see evidence of it hurting anyone. That is because you have avoided getting caught (yet) and you basically dont respect your husband and his rights in life. You probably love him but that is not the same thing as respecting him. Its impossible to fully respect someone when you have been getting away with fooling them. I don't have any advice beyond what I have already said. Either you will decide to stop cheating and come clean to your husband* or you won't. Nobody else can do it for you. * - Its easy to rationalize that its better for everyone involved if you never tell your husband the truth. But you weren't too concerned about what was best for everyone all the times you were cheating. Selfish people love to switch their outlook to justify doing whatever benefits them at the time. You will quit doing "what is best for everyone" again as soon as that outlook stands in the way of something (someone) you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): Im sorry but i cant stand people who cheat! You are wrecking two relationships here! Yours and those who you cheat with! I was cheated on before and it was devastating for me! You obviously dont care enough about yourself and your family if you keep cheating. Maybe you should go to a counsellor and talk to them about it.. Maybe theres an underlying problem or issue as to why you cant stop cheating?!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): You cheated before you got married, so your relationship was a relationship of deceit from then. By cheating again, you do not change or break something that isn't already broken, so, to cheat again, does not mean a great lose to you.We marry and promise monogamy as part of the contract with each other, which we make to prevent pain, heartache, and prevent the relationship breaking up... " I promise to forsake all others, knowing that you will promise the same to me". That is why it is called 'cheating'. However, you broke that promise, before you were married, and got away with it. As time goes by, if we get away with something that felt pretty fantastic, we are so highly tempted, we do it again... and again, and again... until we get caught. Then, we are so sorry and regretful and wish it had never happened.Your cheating, after the first time, is a sign of your weakness. I don't know how, but you need to get some strength. Possibly doing some self improvement courses, which encourage personal integrity in every aspect of your life.Your weakness is becoming like an illness, or an addiction if it is something you don't want to do, but can't stop yourself. Like a drug. It feels so good, and you can't stop yourself. You will need professional help if you do not have the personal strength within yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 October 2013):
If you want answers to your questions you need to seek therapy. Thats the only thing that will help you open up to underlying issues and what you really feel deep down. All of this that you describe barely touches the surface of who you are. And there is no way anyone here can tell you why you do what you do. Only you have that answer, and you can reach it through therapy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 October 2013):
Hi there. I think that excitement is what is missing from your own life with your husband and 3 children.
And so it might not be about the sex so much, as the excitement of something new in your life.
Something different from the everyday events of your own family life with your husband and 3 children.
It may have become a bit boring, and you might not go out and do fun stuff so much as you did before you got married.
There is another factor though.
And this is your professional high powered job, which I assume takes up a lot of your time each week.
Plus, you go away a few times a year on business, and that's even more time away from your own family.
I think what is key here, is the word fun and excitement.
The fun of doing something that is forbidden for a married woman with 3 children.
It seems like you are looking for fun in the wrong places.
It is possible, that the 2 of you might be found out somehow, and then it might get back to both of your spouses.
And with devastating effects.
I am assuming that you were working in this same job before you met your husband?
I am also assuming early starts and late finishes on many days of the week.
And if that is the case, well then it's not surprising that you build up a close relationship with other work colleagues.
They start to become like a member of your family.
And it is also possible, that work has become your whole life, and that outside of work you just sit at home and watch tv with your husband and children.
And so the reason you do it might have nothing to do with sex with only one man - your husband - at all, but more to do with not enough variety in your life, outside of work.
When people have powerful work positions, they tend to define themselves on that, so that outside of the workplace, they feel like they have no identity and can feel very lost.
And so they look for fun in whatever way they can find it.
And it can often be in the arms of another sexual partner.
Because it is easy.
Perhaps what really needs to happen here in your life, is that you leave work on time each day, and start up some hobbies and interests that will fill your time and keep you occupied and interested in life.
And what about seeing some of your girlfriends, and go visit them sometimes or meet up for a coffee.
Just adding new things to your life, is what I am suggesting.
Cheating often points to a lack of fun things in one's life - outside of the workplace.
And a lack of variety in life, generally speaking.
A lot of same ole same ole.
Variety is the spice of life.
Not in the form of different sexual partners though.
That is just a bandaid solution to boredom, and it's fast and easy, but with no lasting fulfilment afterwards that adds true meaning to life.
There are better more fun ways to make your life exciting and fulfilling, and those activities will also enrich your relationship with your husband and children.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 October 2013):
 Well, since you have everything so rationalized and compartmentalized and you're not going to stop doing what you're doing until you're caught, let me ask you this:
What if what you're doing causes the breakup of your family, and leads eventually to one of your child's suicide?
What about a child getting into drugs and being killed anyways? Or how about your child hating you more than anything in the entire world?
You don't understand what's going to happen when you don't hold yourself accountable. What if it were a guy here who justified his pedophilia? A teacher who justifies sleeping with his students? Do you have no control over yourself? Does your commitment mean nothing?
You're either going to live a life of integrity and self-control, or you're not. You have to live with yourself, and your kids will have to live with the pain you cause them when you're caught. And you WILL be caught, especially since you're playing around with co-workers. I've heard enough anonymous letters or emails of outraged co-workers seeing their workmates betray their spouses and informing the unknowing spouse.
So live your life, but understand that you have a day of reckoning not far into the distance, because no one can do what you're doing without recourse. Please don't pretend to be surprised when your children judge you. Please don't be surprised when your husband hates you. Please don't be surprised to hear yourself lying more than a politician.
Oh, forgot. You're messing with another married guy with a wife and three kids. Wait until his wife finds out and your world comes crashing down around you. All you have worked toward will evaporate in ethics and misconduct. Never jeopardize your livelihood with sex escapades with a married cheating man who is using you and does not care anything more for you than a penis pleaser. Sorry, but he's not getting the rush you are. He uses you, but if you weren't in his life, he'd find someone else.
I feel bad for the kids who will be devastated.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 October 2013):
 I have a feeling you are the type of woman like my ex. She just couldn't stop cheating. She could be happy as hell with her partner, but still go out and sleep with other people and go home to her partner and not bat an eye. And I believe that even if you got caught, and your husband left you, you would cry and be devastated. But if he ever mistakenly took you back and forgave you, you would no doubt cheat again inevitably.
It is really messed up, you're right. Monogamy is not for some people. and that's okay. To each their own. But what's not okay is pretending to be monogamous and lying to your husband and then going off sleeping with other guys constantly (or one guy repeatedly) behind his back. It's the ultimate deception and betrayal of someone who loves you and trusts you.
I bet you only like this set up as long as you are the one having all the "fun" while your hubby sits at home faithfully committed to you. I bet you wouldn't be too keen on it if you both were out playing around. In other words, its only appealing as long as you're getting the best of both worlds. As long as you have the loving, faithful husband to fall back on, and the exciting sex with a different man, you're happy. That's shit. you know it.
Everyone has the desires that you have. Do you honestly think you're the only one who ever gets bored and is curious about what's out there? Surely you know better than that. Everyone has these thoughts at one point or another. We're all human. It's what we chose to do with those desires that counts. That's where our character comes into play. Those with good integrity and character realize the effect their actions will have on the one they love. They realize that the love and loyalty they have for their partner means way more than some dumb hook up and excitement. It's called commitment. And people with good character stick to that commitment because it's the right thing to do.
I'm sorry to sound harsh, however, I just really despise cheating. it's a very selfish thing to do. Its completely self-serving. If you want to go out and sleep around because you don't like monogamy, then level the playing field and let your husband sleep around, too. See if it's still as appealing then. You know it won't be. You don't like monogamy as long as you're the one having to be monogamous. But you love the idea of having a monogamous partner, don't you? It's no fun not having the best of everything. But fair is fair. Right now he is under the false pretense that you are in a monogamous relationship. That's absolutely unfair. And you know it is, too.
Why do men and women behave like you, you wonder? Perhaps a poor moral code and low standard of ethics? Perhaps a lack of empathy and regard for others? Honestly, I don't know. Because the thought of lying and cheating makes most people repulsed and they can't live with the lie. Most people don't have it in them to do that. So only you can answer what it is that helps you justify it in your head.
I truly hope you stop. If you're anything like my ex, you never will, though. She's like you - she gets a thrill at the expense of the person she claims to love most. She's cheated on her fiance over and over and over again. And she doesn't care or feel bad. Only time she feels bad is the rare times she's afraid of getting caught. You're self-serving and ego-centric. I suppose that's why you enjoy it.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 October 2013):
 You basically answer your own question here... you cheat because you're bored in your marriage and you get a rush from sleeping with someone other than your husband. It's the same feeling that motivates some people to drive fast cars or skydive or do hard drugs. Your outlet just happens to be cheating, it seems.The question is, what do you want to do about it? It must bother you on some level or I don't think you would have posted here. If you are looking to quit then I think you should seek professional help in doing so, much like someone might if they were trying to kick a drug addiction.What you have here isn't so very different - you're engaging in risky behavior because of the feelings you get from doing it. A counsellor can help you identify the roots of this desire you have and recommend ways to avoid it in future.And speaking of risk... it's not my intent to lecture you about the morality of cheating - you're a grown woman - BUT if you had a scare with a pregnancy potentially not being your husband's then I'm guessing you and your affair partner are not practicing safe sex.For the health and safety of your husband (and your kids if you breastfeed) please insist that your side piece wrap it up when having sex with you. There's no reason to assume that HIS adventures outside his marriage only take place with you. Good luck with this.
...............................
|
