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Husband is complacent, and I am fliriting with a co worker.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2016) 8 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2016)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have been married for 3 years now and I love my husband very much. There is a problem and I do not know how to overcome it. I have been gaining feelings for a coworker and I know that my coworker feels the same, we are always flirting and I cannot control it. My husband gives me a compliment once in a blue moon and he is now very comfortable, he does not do the things he did when we were dating. I told him a million times to try to get us to become how we were before, he knows how I feel about this and he knows how I feel about my coworker. A part of me wishes I can be single but then another part of me feels terrible for feeling this way because it will break our families hearts and my husband's. We are a very tight knit family and I wouldn't want to tear us all apart because of my selfish wants. I am married but I feel SO ALONE. I am happy but I am not, if that makes any sense?! I do not know what to do... It makes it harder because we both have different shifts and we only spend time during the weekends thats if we dont have any family functions to attend. I am confused. My heart skips a beat and I get butterflies when I see my coworker, I do not feel the same towards my husband. Having a husband just makes me feel "safe" now but nothing more. He stopped so many things, which is so sad because we are still so young and the marriage is still new!

View related questions: co-worker, flirt

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

I completely agree with honeypie. You are blaming your husband for a failing that is COMPLETELY your own. If you have having trouble in your marriage, you make a commitment to work on it - hence the word "commitment" again. You dont take the easy way out and run to another man. You want to do that, you shouldn't get married in the first place.

This is YOUR problem, not your husbands. Take responsibility for it and own it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016):

I want to reply to you because I went through a similar thing with a coworker. It started out with just innocent fun and conversations but the more spent time together, the more it evolved until I (married) couldn't hold back any longer and told him I like him. Unlike yours, I actually have been unhappy but decided to deal with it by being numb about the marriage. I kept crying at night and kept telling my husband I was unhappy but he just dismissed it as me being dramatic. Nobody at work knows this but for some reason, he asked me if my husband would be worried that I was spending time with him. I said no, he trusts me and I always hangout with my coworker friends. Thus, started me opening up to him more personal topics and he too.

Long story short, all it takes for a marriage to go wrong is when you start losing connection with your partner BECAUSE you shower all your time and attention to someone else, there's nothing left for him. Whatever giddy feeling you have for this coworker, keep it to yourself, don't act on it and when you get home, give that feeling to your husband.

Also, never stop having an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him how you're feeling lonely or unhappy. But also, understand that YOU are responsible for your own unhappiness, not your husband or this guy. Regardless whether they give you attention or not, you should know yourself enough that YOU ARE AWESOME. Because if you believe in yourself, you wont need affirmation from a husband or a lover to feel better. They simply enhance what you already have.

I realized that when I started sharing all the things to this guy not my husband and when I felt I'd rather be with this person than my husband, that's when I knew I crossed the line.

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A male reader, Aussie Guy Australia +, writes (30 March 2016):

Do you love your husband or did you get married to please your family? After being married sure things do change and both or you may take each other for granted. You need to talk about this with your husband and both of you need to spice things up with each other. If you have an affair every thing will be exciting to start with but things will change with time. If you go down this path you may have an affair get divorced then get remarried have an affair and so on in a continuous cycle. You need to grow up and be an adult instead of a teenager who does not know what she wants. A book called "Womens Infidelity" may help as it explains some of the things you are feeling. Good luck.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntBoth off you should book a week of work and go on holiday. Do fun things together, talk to each other, be spontaneous. Remember you can add romance in to this marriage as well, and maybe it will be enough for him to do the same, imagine how he must feel at the moment? You have told him you have feelings for another man? Off course it is going to be difficult for him to show you love.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2016):

To say married men and women don't flirt is a lie. Mostly men but some women flirt with their coworkers too. However 99% of them remain faithful to their vows and keep it at flirting level and don't go further.It is in a way a mean to overcome the stress and monotony of work. Also men and women working together do admire each other secretly because the work environment promote such admiration where people endeavor to look at their best and reflect the best image of them to others.In my opinion if you can control it and keep it at flirting level and go home every day feeling happy and reassured that you can still pull them,there is no need to worry.If we treat flirting as cheating, then many marriages should be broken.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (29 March 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI can't really improve on what Honeypie said.

I am married 3 1/2 years my husband has "dropped the ball"

I have at least 2 guys at work that hit on me and flirt with me and would easily have an affair with me if I would let them.. I cut them off at the knees after one or two flirtatious statements making it clear that I am MARRIED.... it does not matter if I am happily married or not. Marriage is not to be taken lightly it's not DATING heavy... it's a legal binding commitment.

You made the choice and the commitment to marry.

Now you are MAKING THE CHOICE to flirt. OWN your behavior.

IF you and the hubs are having problems... FIX them. go to counseling... read some books.. talk to him...make some changes...

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A female reader, Slippers  United Kingdom +, writes (29 March 2016):

As a mental health nurse .. I totally agree with honey pie statement .. put some spice back in your marriage .. get a little maids outfit and when he comes home be wearing it and making him dinner .. show him what he's missing .. then afterwards when cuddling tell him how you feel .. that you need more passion . You need a little more don't feel guilty in it either . Let's us know how it goes

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntNow I'm not going to coddle you in this answer. Fair warning.


I think it's a little ironic how you make YOUR "Misdeeds" your husband's fault.

"I told him a million times to try to get us to become how we were before"

"He stopped so many things, which is so sad "


You are expecting your husband to "fix" things, so you can stop flirting and stop having an emotional affair with a co-worker. THAT is not how a marriage works. YOU work TOGETHER to make a marriage good. It's not that he needs to woo you all over again. YOU both need to put forth some EFFORT. Telling him what to do, is NOT you trying to fix thing, but you trying to lay the blame for YOUR behavior at HIS feet.

Take some responsibility here. Instead of the selfish excuse "we are always flirting and I cannot control it." Sure you can. You can STOP if you want to. But for now you are getting something out of all the flirting and butterflies. And you CHOOSE to not nip it in the bud, and CHOOSE not to focus on your marriage.

Set up DATE nights, take turn arranging these date night. MAKE an effort.

SPEND time together, on the week-ends go explore the city or go hiking (something you both enjoy)

Get off the phones and Facebook and TALK to each other, at home and when you do go out together.

Be more spontaneous. You see a movie poster on the way home from work, so when you get home GRAB your husband and go see it. Or the Zoo has new leopard cubs - GO see them!

Take the 5 love languages test with your husband. Maybe you two show love in very different ways. It might actually be an eye opener.

People DO get comfortable in a marriage, it is a NATURAL progression. People marry to be with someone they feel not only attracted to, by comfortable around, someone they don't have to constantly impress and flatter. Someone they can be themselves with.

3 year of marriage and you are already contemplating cheating. To soothe your own ego.

Now, I'm not saying this is ALL your fault. But NOT taking CONTROL of yourself, your actions and YOUR marriage - THAT is on YOU. Not just your husband.

You want things to change at home - BE the change - SHOW him how you would like to be appreciated.

SHOW him you WANT to make it work. Not dreaming of running off with the first man who shows you attention.

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