A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi All, thanks for stopping by and reading this. I have been dating a man for coming up to year now. he has lots going on his life. Eg: he is a full time carer for his disabled sister, and has three kids from an ex that he takes a lot ( they don;t live with him). I only see this guy maybe once to twice a week and spent ages saying I wanted to see him a bit more, but he has stubbornly been refusing. So, ok, now I have backed off completly and am getting on with my own life, and am not available for him as and when he wants to see me , as I have been for the last 10 months or so. What gets me now is that he is calling to check on me all the time. He wants to know where I am, what I am doing, what time I am coming in etc which I find unfair considering he doesnt; want to put in the time and effort to see me more. ( he doesn't even take me to his house anymore - we could go there and be with the sister together- his big daughter also lives there and looks after her when she can) he even tries to get me to call him when I get home after being out.He is on the phone the moment I leave work at 5pm,( I asked him about this and he claims it is ' just to hear my voice when I get home' ( yeah right!!) and then seems to be tracking my whereabouts. Last weekend I did not even answer for a couple of days as i got fed up of it being on his terms, and by the time he came down a few days later he was all over me, telling me he missed me, and texting me constantly, and when I did finally respond to him he was all apologetic and stuff) I have been distant for nearly 10 days now,( don't get me wrong. I am pleasant and polite and respond to him, but am no longer needy and clingy) and he seems to be getting more and more anxious, but he set this up in the first place- eg: the once / twice a week thing, and now I am giving him just that with no pressure he is panicking. I intend to carry on like this, but am wondering what the outcome will be? and why his possesivie behaviour all of a sudden? and am I wasting my time? his behaviour and actions contradict themselves?. please advise on the best way forward, and whats going on!! the funny thing is I actually feel more ' stable' in this now, as I am not chasing, or dependant on him anymore. Thanks. ;o)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 February 2012):
 urgh... I'd be creeped out... 5 minute walk from you?
and he's checking up on you?
please be careful if he gets overwhelmingly obsessive about checking on you make sure he knows you will have to take legal action...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. He;s just called and told me he is moving round the corner from me. 5 mins walk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys and girls I have an update. Last week he was asking me what areas are near me , and what borough I live in. I knew he had to move house today, and was looking around. Anyway, I got a text from him today saying he is moving near me.. literally down the road and taking his sister and daugther with him. I was like ok, cool. Now, does this mean he is doing it to check up on me more? or that he is showing some sort of commitment? he was living at least an hours drive away from me before,and now he wil be 10/ 15 mins away from me. His kids live some way away., and he was measuring up how he was going to do the school run if he moved last week. How am I to take this considering my initial question re: checking up and tracking me down? he is moving near me today... Thanks. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi all. Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. Much appreciated. Yes, he,s been calling the shots, and i feel he has no right to check on me. I.m going to be consistent in my behaviour. Eg.getting on with my life,and see how i feel over the next few weeks. I suspect it will fizzle out. So be it. I could kick myself for allowing him to take advantage of me. It.s hard,as i love him,but he,s not meeting my needs. Eg. No quality time spent together, no open communiction. I.ve tried many a time to have a talk with him,but he closes up. I.m tired. I.m detaching in the only way i know how. Eg. Responding, not txtg and calling as much,and hopefully, i will get better. I.m sick of him checking up on me. It.s really unfair. I.ll do a follow up in a few weeks. Argh! Relationships! X
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 February 2012):
 Sorry, I think I would end it and look for a guy who actually WANTS to spend time with me.
It makes no sense.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2012):
 This whole dynamic sounds kind of weird, and quite frankly, I want to know this guy's game.
He makes you feel needy and clingy for wanting to see him more than once or twice per week, yet when you become distant, he calls and texts you constantly in order to know what you're up to. Sounds like a contradiction to me.
In his defense, caring for a disabled family member can be its own full time job, and he has three kids, so there are definite obstacles to seeing each other 24/7. However, I think you hit it right on the head. He's wanting this on his terms. He's set up his life, and you have no say in when you want to see him.
So on the surface, his calling constantly would be a contradiction, but really, it isn't. He wants everything in his life in order and according to his specifications, including knowing that you're living your life "on the shelf" waiting for him. That's not how things work.
I wouldn't play games here. I agree that you sit and talk with him and the two of you talk things out. If he made you feel clingy, call him out on it. If you have been distancing yourself emotionally, explain why. Relationships only get stronger by honest, direct, and thorough communication.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): I think he likes to control the relationship and call the shots. Now you have backed off that troubles him. You have shown an independence, before he had the impression that you needed him. No bad thing, as he has been so sparing in giving you his time. Maybe he feels you are cooling on him. Regardless, I would seriously think about whether you want to continue with him. In the light of where he sees you fitting into his life - where you come in the pecking order of his commitments. If you really care about him and want to be in the centre of his life I would make that known, otherwise I would end things if he just bothers you.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (3 February 2012):
 It sounds like he finally sees what he is missing. And doesn't want to let you go.
You need to set him down and have a heart-to-heart. Let him know exactly how you feel. Let it all out on the table and tell him what you expect and what you need. If his answers and actions to not meet your expectations, let him go.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 February 2012):
 "he has a lot going on in his life" is an understatement. In my opinion, he's taken on a HUGE responsibility and more power to him. his commitment is to be envied, but in doing so his mindset has changed to be the one who checks in all the time tomake sure everything is OK and it has probably "spilled over" i9nto your relationship. I think that the situation is highly controlable if you accept his position in lifw and discuss it with him to get him to allow you your independance. I wish more of us could be like him,but alas,most of us are way more self-centered. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 February 2012):
 On first, second and third reading of your question I was ready to put it in the 'too hard' basket, but here goes:
Sit him down and explain to him there are seven days in each week, and he can only give you two of those days. Tell him you understand this, given his circumstances.
Explain to him you dont want to be adding to his burdens, but we are all entitled to a full, rewarding life every day of the week, and on those days he is unable to spend with you, you have decided to get on with your life.
Explain to him you find his need to now try and control, or have some say, in where you go and what you do unfair, considering he has let you know in the past that he doesn't want to put any time and effort into a relationship.
Tell him you expect more from a relationship than texts and phone calls tracking your movements, and that he needs to decide what he expects from this relationship so that you can both discuss, in a mature manner, if there is any common ground.
Keep on getting on with your life, dont put it on hold while you are waiting for somebody else to decide what part they want you to play in theirs, life is too short for that!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): I fully understand your situation and to be a bit fair, guys and girls equally are a bit possessive about people they like or care about. however, the man who checks on you 24/7 like anything is NOT a good thing to start off with.
Firstly, make sure are you getting what you have fancied getting out of this relationship ? Well, all relationships have some ups and downs and NOT perfect but do you really think, this relationship is something you would like to be committed for long ?
Secondly, I would say if you want him, then Try to comfort him that you really love him and that there is no guy for you. Try to make him comfortable and if he does show some improvement and shows understanding that you really need him and see him more often, that would be great but if this doesnot work with you.. Move on!!
Lastly, realise his responsibilities as a brother and as a father etc. Do you really think he can take that time out for you ? Ask yourself, is he really fair to you ?
IF you find he is not the one, move on and let him know to the soonest. It is never good playing with people emotions!
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury +, writes (3 February 2012):
 it sounds like he was kind of playing hard to get and now that you're doing it to him he doesn't like it. He probably realises he isn't putting in enough effort. It seems he wants it all to be on his terms, he likes calling the shots. He doesn't like knowing you could go and find someone else. He wants to make sure you aren't doing that.
I say bin this guy.
Tell him you've had enough of being treated like a doll - him being ale to just pick you up and then throw you away when he wants to. Tell him you need a man that is a REAL MAN and is willing to make the effort.
Stop chasing him, when he clearly loves the attention.
xx
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