A
male
age
41-50,
*lip flop
writes:Dear Cupid,How can I leave my wife and two kids?I know these columns are normally reserved for women , but being a man with out any one to talk to and with a story I want to share with you I feel, I can tell no one else in the world, not my brothers , not my father not my friends.What i'm about to describe might may seem so run of the mill to your readers, but it has changed my world forever.I am a 38 year old man married man with two kids, a girl 5 and a boy 4. I married seven years ago to a good girl, but i married for the wrong reasons , not because she was pregnant or anything like that. It seemed like a good idea at the time ( i know , your readers will think i'm a fool ) , we made love and it was exciting , we were comrades to a point , i had also started seeing her very soon after she had broken up with her ex boyfriend ( also a friend of mine ) and i felt i had to prove to our friends i wanted this girl. So i asked her to marry me , even at the time i remember having doubts , when i asked her i also asked her could we keep it secret for a while. My mother begged me not to marry, but being emotionally immature and foolish i continued on my chosen path. The wedding day as my best man and best friend drove me to the church I secretly hoped he would convince me not to marry , he didn't. My wife became pregnant on our honey moon - the day my daughter was born i left the country to work in Morocco for three months , god forgive me but i knew at this stage something was not right. i never went with anyone else , i put my head down and tried to do my best for all around me for my family, i tried to convince myself that i could make everything ok , i never asked myself any deep or meaningful questions. I worked around the clock and before I knew it my beautiful son was born. At this stage I decided to turn down work outside of the UK. I had spent my most of my working career abroad and i loved it so much , i cared for nothing and wanted nothing other than to get up and love my job in every morning. Then it came a time when i could no longer take the pretence of being happy , my wife started to push me away from my friends , she started to resent many things about me , things that she had first liked about me were now things she didn't want me to have. I was five years married and wanted to be away from my fulfilled life.I had turned down numerous jobs abroad but finally I excepted a job offer outside the country , I had to get away , I thought i could be a good provider and wouldn't have to deal with a marriage that left me empty inside. The first night arrived I met with my boss , Cathrine(not real name) , friend and long time colleague - someone I had been attracted to for a very long time. we had dinner that night with a group of people from the job , later we split from them and ended back together in our hotel - I was wholly attracted to Cathrine , I hadn't been with anyone else in seven years , my heart was racing , she made me feel special and hansom - something I had not experienced in a long long time. we made love and touching her body that night i fell in love.The next day i felt shamed , i felt as though i had betrayed my wife , whom although i was unhappy with didn't deserve to be cheated on. I flew home the next evening and upon my arrival i felt very unhappy - i looked up what feelings of guilt meant and why i had them. Then i decided i shouldn't feel guilty because my wife had not had sex with me since our son was born and very few times before that too.I spent the next two and a half years working in Europe and practically living with my new found love . I would travel home once every six weeks , but i couldn't wait to get back to Cathrine , i would arrive home and brush over any problems that existed with my wife and tell her everything was fine - this so i wouldn't have to deal with my broken marriage . The time i spent with my true love was electric , yes and like all affairs since the history of time, the sex was mind blowing - like nothing i ever could have even imagined . But more than all of this i had fallen and remain totally and utterly in love her, i felt transcended , it's my hearts belief that she did too. As time went by our love grew stronger and more intense , I never had known love like this - we spent all our free time together , we texted each other a hundred times a day , we would sneak out under the cover of darkness to walk in the city to avoid any of our colleagues, drives and weekends in the country - we kissed and laughed all the day. we once fully made love four times in the one morning . I felt brand new , reborn , renaissance , i had fallen in love for the first time in my life.The sun shone brighter , I could do anything with ease , the world was my oyster but all i wanted was Cathrine. I couldn't tell her as much as i tried , how much i loved her , i lived for her , i worshiped willingly at her altar. Her touch , her caress , the way she would tease me . Her skin was the softest thing i had ever touched in my life . Her hair , her smile , the shape of her mouth , her kiss , her physique , my love was boundless and my cup overflowth . She was and to this day the love of my life.Then from nowhere cracks started to appear, not so much with me but with my new found love , it started with her coming home one night having been on a work do with her friends , she a had a good few drinks taken and when she got into bed , she started to ask me if we would be together forever ? she confided in me that she too had fallen in love with me but didn't want to be a secret or a mistress.We had spoken about so many plans together , I said things now when i look back probably were not appropriate , i meant them because i did mean them , i tried to be careful not to make promises i couldn't keep , not because i was trying to mislead , but because i wanted at all times to be truthful to someone i adored.Time would pass in pure heaven , then the cracks would start to show again . We sat down to a heart to heart on many occasions, she would ask me to leave her if i didn't think we would be together forever , she wasn't and never did ask me to leave my wife , but asked i be honest with her - i had no answers , i stupidly hoped that my wife might find someone else - i dont know what i thought , but often we would take a "break" only to come together in passion and love stronger than before. And my poor poor true love , she felt i had betrayed her on many occasions. I never did - ever.Our love was poetry , it was travel , it was the arts , it was music , literature, romance , sent from god himself .But as our time in Europe came to an end we were both forced back home , forced to be apart - the time we had was less and less , we ended up working together , Cathrine employing me ,both of us in the work space , both of us in our respective homes , near but so far apart . I started to feel ill at the accusations of me playing happy families , but i was far from happy , and my home life was at an all time low , something had to give and it was the end of our affair . I went home , sometimes willing myself to get over Cathrine . But time at home has the effect of magnifying the loss of her , the loss of my everything. Left in a loveless marriage , having promised my wife for better or for worse , but that is not the case . I love my children and if it wasn't for them i would have left two years ago.Cathrine told me she didn't want to be second best , she couldn't live the lie any more and she wanted me to leave her I tried to be so brave for her , tried so much. I remain her loyal friend , but i want her .I think about Cathrine a lot , i try for both our sakes not to, she enters my dreams at night when I sleep.We are out, I hold her hand and we walk and talk. It feels so real, it feels exactly like it did when i gave my heart to her completely , she is smiling and i run my fingers across her face and it feels like i'm touching her, I can actually feel her angelic soft skin at my finger tips , we are alone together its winter. I wake up and I feel amazing for around two minutes until it dawns on me that its been the dream again.Most mornings I get up , I think about my email - I have no internet signal at the house so i'm generally happy , happy because I don't know if Cathrine has emailed or not . I grab my coffee , not too strong lots of milk. Once i'm in the car I immediately check my inbox - but it's normally a mile down the road before it updates , i don't look , I wait to feel the vibration on my lap for the emails - then i look , always always skip everything else if her name is there , I read and i smile , no matter what it is that shes written - i hang on her every word. If Cathrine hasn't emailed me i make excuses for her in my mind and say to my self - ah poor little angel is just sleeping.I feel cautious as write these words - i want to delete them , write delete , write delete. like so many before.I almost burst the last few days , I felt so torn from her , I ask myself she's moved on from us, Cathrine emailed yesterday to say "have a nice day with your family" reading that i feel like she's saying i'm two faced and play happy family's. I don't do that , what actually happens is I see my wife and I think to myself , what am i doing here and then my children come to me , they look at me with such hope reliance and need of a father .I called Cathrine today - told her i'm not coping too well in the absence of her love .She was understanding and kind . I thought she might be cold , but she is an angel and told me we would talk this week .What am i to do with my life?
View related questions:
affair, best friend, fell in love, her ex, immature, married man, mistress, my boss, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): Leave your wife, not your children, they all need their father. Please don't damage them. Go be with Catherine if that's what makes you happy, let your wife go, if Catherine doesn't want to be with you, there is ALWAYS more love out there, good luck.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 my sons are now 27 and 29 and they were 3 and 5 when their dad and i separated. the younger one has no memories of us being together and that's fine, he's turned out very well.
If you are going to leave your wife do it NOW.
but be prepared to have minimal income since you will be required to pay child support and possibly alimony if she's been a SAHM.
Sadly for you, the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence and\ "You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): One poster said she was posting through eyes of a daughter. My mother and father were in a miserable marriage. Both unhappy. A few years ago they divorced when their children were adults. I wish to hell they did it sooner. Now both are different people, happy, content and in new relationships. They are the parents I wanted as children and I think if they did it sooner, our childhood would of been a lot happier. My father is a delight to be around now and not miserable. We have a better relationship now because he is happier and same for my mother too. So just an added perspective. As for the situation you're in now. Unfair to let Catherine wait around for what not be. If you truly love her, let her go and be with someone who can be fully committed to her. Talk to your wife about your marriage. Communicate. Don't stay in a situation that makes everyone miserable.
...............................
A
female
reader, kashieka +, writes (10 December 2013):
I want to answer you from a perspective of a daughter. This that I am to share maybe idiosyncratic but I hope you will get something from it.My parents have been anulled for 10 years now, and before the separation I have experienced the "forced togetherness". My first question to you is, you seem so preoccupied with your job and your love. Have you ever considered what is going on with your children's lives. Because maybe it would provide you with answers.Second, no matter how much justifiable you think your reasons are for leaving your family, your children would still perceive this as injustice. You would leave them to establish a new family and to be happy, and this leaves them with what?And no matter how your children learn to accept your decisions, she would still think that she wish her parents have thought about things before making big decisions in life in turn affecting their lives.And never expect to have the best relationship with your children. They have eyes and hearts, they know what's going on. They may develop fears and reservations in commiting to a relationship or getting married because of what they have seen from their parents.In the end it boils down to one question. Why did my parents didn't think things through before creating me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (10 December 2013):
 All I can advise based off experience it wont last in a marriage that you don't want to be in you most likely will cheat again. I want to leave mines early but was trying to do what other people wanted and follow the bible. That was a grave mistake the lesson was learned it took 9 +years to get. Dont marry someone and cheat. Get to know people first don't hurt two people plus your child. I would suggest you think deeply about who you want family or marriage or your side mistress. People get married and divorced all the time its a high divorce rate in heterosexual couples than homosexual ir alternative lifestyles might I add. I was more concerned for my children but when health issues occurred I was gone. I wasn't with to death do us part in that since. They also say its cheaper to keep them I fully agree but my health and happiness is priority. Self preservation is number one over anybody place or things. Also pray about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, amaya153  +, writes (10 December 2013):
I read all of your story, and I'm going to leave you an answer because it touched me deeply. I think if you truly believe that you should be with this Cathrine, then you should be with her. Life's too short to think about what other people want you to do. You can still be a good father to your children even if you're not with their mother. Your life will pass you by if you don't act on this true love you have with Cathrine, and this sort of love doesn't come by everyday. I say man up and take control of your own life and happiness. I truly hope you and Cathrine can work things out, and that your wife will lead a happy life also. Best of luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): Oh, PLEASE. I'm sorry, but get your life together! Seriously. Stop with the poetry and flowery language and this-is-oh-so-wonderful nonsense. What you need is a slap back into reality. Grow a backbone and make a decision. What's holding you back? The kids? Come on. Do you seriously think it's worse for your children to have divorced parents than parents who are together but miserable? You provide absolutely no other reason as to why you can't stop being so spineless and just making a decision. Just remember: if you have cheated on this wife, what will stop you from cheating on this other woman? What happens when you grow used to each other and the romance is a little less present and your habits irritate each other? What then? Because that WILL happen one day. It's not your wife's fault you couldn't stand up for yourself and decide not to marry, and it's not your girlfriend's fault that you can't make a decision now. Sorry to be harsh, but get it together. You are a grown man. Seriously.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 December 2013):
 I read your story...
First up I want to reiterate that this site IS NOT just for women, it is for both men and women and many many people have come here for help with a multitude of problems.
OK... take this with good grace... 'you need to grow a very large and healthy set of balls'...because you are going to need them.
It's clear you fell into a marriage when you wern't ready for it (you lacked the balls to stop it before it happened)
You had a child and decided to work abroad rather than face the problems that were starkly staring you in the face...
and so another child was born into a marriage that was fake and false from the start and forgive me but your words of wanting to be truthful and not to mislead, obviously did not extend to your wife (you very obviously do not care if you are misleading her)
Truly I am not saying all this to have a poke at you...I am saying it because it seems to me that you do not know your arse from your elbow and need URGENTLY, a healthy reality check.
The lions share of your post is a flowery utopic and fanciful rendition of your relationship with your Mistress...it is clear where your priorities lie and where your mind is set. You seem unable to grasp the seriousness of the situation and just hope that your wife and kids will magically disappear into the ether so you can pursue the love of your life.
Of course there are ways to end a marriage, divide up your assets and provide a solid financial support system for your children. That would be the right and proper thing to do and I do wonder why you have not taken this path??
Are you worried about a financial settlement falling more in your wife's favour?
Are you hoping to keep your two lives going simultaniously to spare yourself the upheaval?
Are you hoping your wife meets someone else so you can unload your burden?
I am not surprised your Mistress has taken off...she is clearlyunhappy with the situation and if she is smart, she will put the ticking clock on you so you hurry your butt and make a decision about who you want to be with.
You absolutely cannot and should not string people along and live a lie just so you can have everything your own way!! You need very much to do the right thing by your children...divorce your wife and give her a decent settlement...you knew the day you married her that it was a mistake and so it is your responsibility for settling things, because you more or less led her into a loveless marriage and robbed her of a future with someone who might really love her.
You may think I am breaking your balls and being mean to you but this situation will not resolve without some serious time and attention and right now, through your words, I see a man in denial, a man who is stuck on one train of thought and a man who lacks the balls to really sort this mess out.
You only seem to care about your Mistress and what YOU have lost...there is no mention of what your wife and children have lost and being histronic and sacrificial when you do not actually mean to return to your wife to mend things is, to me, a sham.
What are you to do with your life?...first admit to yourself that there are four other people relying on your decision and in desperate need of action and answers.
If you want this situation to resolve...you need to take action, so like I said...it's time to grow a pair!
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): You have it wrong about this site being just for women.They may be the predominate advice seekers; because women are more open with their feelings. They are in touch with their emotions. They don't mind exposing their feelings and vulnerabilities. This is a safe and anonymous environment for them to seek comfort. Men have equal access. You will find empathy and compassion as a human being, but not for cheating.Many of the aunts are women, and may exchange a woman's point of view; because they relate to the majority of the posts we receive. That mainly being from women.Apart from that, let's cut to the chase. I don't mince words.You are enjoying your cake, and having to eat it too. You have the stability of marriage; a wife at home, and the added luxury of a mistress. You are stroking your ego like nobody's business. That's why you won't divorce. You know that will mean a great deal of emotion, legal commotion that no one is willing to go through. The legal process is excruciating. The potential anger and frustration between you and your future-ex; is an unpredictable and threatening specter that hangs over your head every night you close your eyes. Being exposed to judgement of family, friends, and neighbors raises apprehension and fear. It's only natural under the circumstances.Divorce is a nightmare, and that's the only reason you don't have the courage to go through with it.You paint a beautiful picture to dress the cheating up like a romance novel. The truth is, you're a cheat. There's no getting around that. You do it out of cowardice and deception. Self-indulgence. It can only be legitimized and justified; once you undo your marriage. It's no unfortunate coincidence. It was a conscious choice.It is good that you have come to terms with the reality of your situation. I am happy you love your children; so continued support and involvement in their lives, leaves no question as far as I'm concerned. I question your character; because you let this all continue under the guise of confusion. You know exactly what you want, and what you're doing. You hide behind deception; because it is easy and convenient. Nothing more.I am not judging. I am simply stating the facts. I see two-sides to every post received. My response may not be easy medicine to swallow. It is given with sincerity, and with the intent to make you do some soul-searching, and introspection. In all fairness. You must leave your wife. Allow her to get through all the emotions necessary to recover from your divorce. To allow the children to get through the hardest parts of a divorce; prior to their becoming too aware of the dirty details and negative emotions that will most certainly replace the false-civility you now hold with your wife.I think the relationship you have with Catherine will not have the romantic quality it holds now, as the "forbidden-fruit."The mistress is rarely as appealing as she is; when the secrecy and intrigue is removed from the equation. You romanticize it in order to make it's existence less subjected to scrutiny and distaste. But it is, what it is, my friend. Cheating. For the sake of decency, and your children. End the lie and set things straight. Allow your wife to move on, and create a new life for herself. Give Catherine what she deserves.Either her freedom; or a man with character, decency, and deserving of her love. Give her justification to trust you. In time, your children will learn to understand the reasons you left their mother. They will learn to forgive you.Your wife is another issue unto itself. How she deals with all this is yet to be seen. Your long-term absence may haven given her some immunity. She is already losing or lost her desire for intimacy. Trust me, a woman knows.Her wrath is just a tea kettle of water, waiting to reach the boiling point. It will be furious! It is unpredictable when the time will come; that recovery from a divorce, will have the opportunity to civilize everyone involved. Someday, you may find happiness with the woman of your choosing. That may, or may not, be Catherine. She isn't really the main focus. It should be your family. Whatever you decide to do, do everything in the best interest of the children and fairness to your wife. Do it now, to allow them to adapt to the extreme changes that will impact your family. Changes are coming, and it's best they be prepared. Divorce is necessary and emanate. What else can you do?
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 December 2013):
I doubt your wife is happy either, heck, she may be having an affair too if you never have sex. The people who you should be concerned with are the innocent little ones you have. Think of what's best for them. It's not what's happening now, I can tell you that much.
They need to be able to see what a marriage should be and to be raised by happy people. Since you can't be happy with your wife, let her go so you can both find happiness and be excellent parents for your children.
If your wife was in love with you it'd be one thing, but I doubt she is, so just tell her you think it's best if you get a divorce.
...............................
|
