A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Agony aunts, I have a major issue that I need advice on. My husband and I have a 2yr old son. He is currently in our hometown visiting family. My mother n law and sister n law decided to get my son hair cut( this was his 2nd cut) without our permission by someone we dont even know. I am very upset without the fact there was no common courtesy to notify me of the ordeal. And on top of that I dont like it, because it is cut very low and makes his head look big. Now my husband and I briefly discussed the situation, and he thinks I may be over reacting. So I need your advice on how to handle the situation, because I am very very mad!!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 June 2014):
 is anyone else wondering why a 2 yr old is on a vacation without his parents?
unless it was the FIRST haircut I think it's NO BIG DEAL.
hair grows.. just wait till he cuts it himself the first time.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 June 2014):
 WTH?
Door isn't locked, chocolate is in the freezer, Come on over we can talk power structured relationships all night.
IMHO, and purely for my own defense and not to be of any help to the OP, this whole post has nothing to do with dominance. If you bring Popcorn, I'll tell you what it is about.
FA
In other words you wanna trash me? We have a private message system for that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Next time your Mother in law or sister in law goes on vacation, offer to take care of their dog or cat. Then shave it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Cindy I used to blast "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" out of my office every Friday afternoon at 5 minutes to 5. Was told to quit because somebody complained...still looking for the son of a bitch
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 June 2014):
 Ah, so your husband actually said OK to this and when shit hit the fan he conveniently "forgot" because he didn't want to get in trouble... LOL
It does give it another spin, because a DAD can as easily as the Mom give consent to haircut, at least in my book.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Fatherly Advice, let's talk again after your MIL and SIL have come to your home and, in your absence and without your permission, have decided to remove ,say, your prized Cyndi Lauper's CD collection from the place you had assigned to it :), and have relegated it to some remote , dusty part of your attic- or maybe given it to the Salvation Army.
Then you'll complain on Dc, and I'll tell you : come on, FA, that's just some trivial pop music from the 80's , don't be so dominant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Thanks for the advice everyone, it really helped. However my husband informed me that it was briefly mentioned to him, and it slipped his mind to tell me. So I suppose I will just let it go!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 June 2014):
In this day of instant communication the MIL certainly could have contacted you for permission. I agree with the aunts who have told you to tell her that in the future you want to be consulted regarding any non routine decisions concerning your child. Don't make it a big deal just make it clear.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 To me giving your child a different hair cut is a bit like going out and coming home to find someone has rearranged your living space or at least your ornaments.
In my opinion it was wrong as your son needs a hair cut that YOU are happy with, and also (in future) needs to be within the guidelines of the school he attends.
So no I don't think you are over reacting. Plus its natural for you to be protective of a 2 year old child, therefore you want him "handled" by people you trust, not some random guy with a comb and clipper.
Mark
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (28 June 2014):
Apparently I'm the only "other person" who sees a 2 year old boys hair style as trivial. This is only a dominance issue if you make it one. I'd put my line in the sand somewhere else.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): My (ex) mother in law did this - cut my daughter's hair without asking.
I went absolutely ballistic.
And I am proud that I did.
The other readers who are saying that, for your son's sake, you should just be polite etc etc are wrong, I feel.
IF she cared about your son and about family relations, then the mother in law should have asked your permission. Why didn't she? Because she just wanted to steal something from you - maternal power to make decisions about your own child, and very intimate decisions as well.
She did NOT ask you. So she is in the wrong, not you.
Do NOT apologise or co-tow to her. If you give her your approval to behave like this, she will continue to do more and more things to over-step boundaries.
She is 'trying it on', overstepping boundaries to see how much she can get away with.
The other thing to watch out for is, if she is inclined to overstep boundaries like this and behave like the dominant matriarch, even in subtle ways, then it's likely that she did so with your husband when he was growing up. He may be a little bit of a Mummy's boy as a result. He should be defending you, as a family. He should be helping you to enforce your family unit's boundaries. It doesn't mean you have to be 'at war' with the mother in law or the sister in law or anyone else, it just means: "these are our boundaries as a family and we expect you to respect them. If you don't then we give you the opportunity to apologise, discuss it etc etc. If you still don't respect our boundaries, then we take away certain privileges and we withdraw slightly from you until you learn."
Something along those lines.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 June 2014):
No, it's not nice as a relative to be able to do things for each other without permission ! where is this coming from ?! I must say that to me this sounds like a very very bizarre concept. I have a sister, we are in very good terms, we never had a row in all whole life, and yet I would not DREAM of rearranging her furniture in her absence, or have her dog groomed in a diffent style, or take her daughter to my hair stylist and have her hair dyed without her mom knowing.
As you see I am bringing all examples of temporary changes that can be easily fixed, so " no big deal " - the point is, that on principle I should not have the gall and the rudeness to initiate any of these changes without permission, and THIS is the big deal.
Yes, as you can see, I would be mad. VERY mad.
Then again, I realize you can't break families apart over a haircut- so , I'd bite my tongue and resist the temptation to give them a good, expressive piece of my mind. But I'd tell them, politely but FIRMLY :" I know you meant well but that's not how I want things done with MY child . You need to make sure that from now how you consult ME before taking any initiatives concerning him."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Yes, I would not like that either. Funny enough, I was pissed at my nephews mother for cutting his hair. I know, I know, why right? Not my child. But I raised him from 10 months until 9 years of age. She would go months without even contacting him. Anyway, one weekend she spent time with him and brought him back with his hair cut very low. But, what can I say to her...his "mother." If I could curse on here I would call her a name right about now.
But, I definitely get why you would not like that and simply tell them how you feel in a nice way. Say you prefer his hair long and would really appreciate it, if they did not get him another hair cut.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (28 June 2014):
Your son is sort of on his vacation I guess and they want to spoil him or do things for him. It is nice as a relative to be able to do things for each other without permission don't you think so? It's not like they took him out of your house without permission so maybe you should just let it go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 I would also be upset, especially as you refer to it as 'an ordeal'. I know several little kids who were traumatized by their first few hair cuts ...
However, as Honeypie mentioned, your son wont know that its a bad cut, but I would also firmly and politely be letting your mother in law it wasn't appreciated and for her not to do it again.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (28 June 2014):
if you really cared about your son's future you would be cultivating a strong relationship with your in-laws rather than getting upset at pretended slights.
Your husband is right you over reacted. The real question here is what is behind this feeling of offense you have. Is there a history?
FA
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A
female
reader, justanotherlovequstion +, writes (28 June 2014):
 of course you should be upset. thats not ohkay to take your son out and get his hair cut with out your permission. i would be so mad. you have every right to be mad at them and you should tell them how you feel and talk to your spouse about it. hope everything goes well :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 June 2014):
I would be ticked off if it was me, BUT I would not make a big deal out of it, for YOUR SON's sake.
It will grow out fairly quickly so it's all good. He is 2 he doesn't give a flying duck about his head looking a little big. Neither should you.
I would however politely TELL (not ask) your MIL to not do that again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): I would be mad.
I mean, if we were talking about an older child (6-10), I'd say it was normal, as sometimes kids get crazy ideas and it's the grandmas/aunties/uncles job to see them through. By that I mean, if an older child decided that he wanted his hair cut short out of the blue, and his grandma obliged, I'd consider it normal and not much of a big deal.
However, such a small child has no business going to strange places to get his hair cut. I suppose the place was decent, as a grandma and aunt wouldn't put the child in danger, but it may be against his mother's wishes.
I think they should have asked you to call them the next time your child was getting an haircut, so that they could record it or save some of his hair (people do that I guess). If they are far away and this is an only change, they should AT LEAST have asked your permission first.
I'd explain my feelings, demand an apology, a promise that they wont repeat this and maybe get them a little souvenir of your boy having his hair cute (again, a picture, a video, some hair, etc)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): I can definitely understand why you would feel like they overstepped a boundary. You don't take your niece, nephew, or any child that isn't yours and take them out for a haircut or for a piercing (hole goes away, but still not in their right without your permission) or a tattoo (maybe a little extreme of an example) WITHOUT the parent's permission.
Your husband may not think it's a big deal because his mother and sister were involved. He doesn't want to have to say anything to them, so he'd prefer to say it's not a big deal. Your mother-in-law and sister-in-law should have informed you. It was very silly and inconsiderate on their part.
Stop this at the bud. Don't enable future behavior.
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