A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I get my wife to be comfortable with me touching her breasts? Ever since our daughter was born seven years ago touching her breasts has made her uncomfortable and its distressing me. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 June 2014):
 Her feeling uncomfortable or inadequate is not about you, it's about her. These are HER issues. I get that you want to help her but maybe the way you come across is that you are doing it for YOUR benefit not hers?
However, did you TELL her how it makes you feel?
You original posts didn't say anything about WHY and HOW you felt, just that she won't let you touch her boobs.
YOU need to learn to communicate better with her, and make sure you pick a time where the kids are asleep or not there.
If she really has the huge aversion to being touched she ought to want to deal with it, not just slip it under the rug and pretend things are fine.
There can be so many reason why she feels that way - feeling she "failed" as a woman (when she couldn't manage to breastfeed) or that her boobs have lost all their former glory due to having had kids. She may think they look horrible now. Specially if she REALLY liked her boobs before kids.
7 years is a long time to carry around being uncomfortable.
Maybe consider getting a couples massage? (doesn't involve getting her boobs touched but you can learn some tricks to GIVE her sensual massages when it's just the two of you.
But definitely TALK to her.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2014):
 It could not simply be that , her breasts have changed in shape, size or firmness after two kids, and she is self conscious about them ?
The change may be so minor that , as for you, you haven't even noticed , or , you have noticed but you could not care less anyway, you still find her exactly as attractive as before .
But, you know about women and body images, how much we can be hung up about certain parts of our bodies . Particolarly breasts, they are often so loaded with so many weird symbolic meanings : big perky breasts = sexual desirability, youth, femininity , social value etc.
Now don't tell me: my wife is an intelligent woman, she KNOWS that a couple of stretch marks do not change the person she is ,or the value she has for me.
Yes she may know intellectually, she does not know emotionally, at some level she feels humiliated for not beng able to offer you the very same pair of breasts you were used to. So she dislikes any maneuvre or fondling that may draw your , and her, attention to them, and remind you, and her, that she is not as pretty as she used to be ( which is not true, of course - but maybe to her it feels so ).
Have you asked her ( diplomatically ) how does she feel about her post-kids body and the possible , I'd want to say inevitable , changes in it ?...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 June 2014):
 What you have asked would be exceptionally distressing for you. It would be intolerable.
It seems that perhaps your wife has developed an irrational fear but this reluctance to have her breasts touched is having a huge negative affect on your marriage and your relationship with your wife.
Can you attempt to encourage your wife to get some counselling to help her relax enough to let go of her phobia about her breasts being touched?
Her unwillingness to have her breasts touched may be manifesting due to some un-recognized issue that she has been unwilling to confront.
If she point blank refuses to consider any strategy that involves counselling then do consider getting some support yourself since it is intolerable to imagine that you are denied what most men in a marriage would regards as one of the nicest perks of a good relationship.
In NO way do I perceive you as a disrespectful jerk and I did not see any poster imply that.
Your wife may have some deep seated issues about her breasts that are NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not responsible for some deep seated phobia that your wife has about her breasts.
Your wife may not even understand how hurtful it is to you and the relationship.
A loving respectful relationship full of trust makes for good intimacy. The trust and respect and love may be there in every other area.
But a imposed barrier to touching her breasts must have been exceptionally distressing.
I think you have been extraordinarily patient over this. You may not want to confront her. But you certainly do need support to deal with this.
I read all the other answers and I felt that posters were genuinely trying to help you.
I am very sorry to read that you felt judged. I do not think people meant to judge you.
You have been very patient with this very sad situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2014): Sorry OP but I just read all the answers here and can't see where anyone has judged you. Only that they hAve attempted to find out exactly what your wife is concerned with. Your original post is somewhat vague and does not explain whether her 'discomfort' is physical or emotional . You then go on in a later post to say it's not physical but don't expand on why she is uncomfortable ??? Is she self conscious? If so ? Had she said why?Without that information it's almost impossible for people to be helpful and that's all anyone seems to have been attempting to doSo maybe if you could answer as to whether you have ever discussed your wife's breasts with her and or her discomfort and exactly what she says then we can have some insight into what the issue may be and how to offer something helpful
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked this question with the hope that I could get some advice on a issue that has caused me a great deal of anxiety. All I have gotten so far is a lot of judgement.
Apparently the way I worded the original question did not explain the issue well enough. My wife did try to breast feed our first child and it did not work very well. With our twins she used the pump, and that ended with the same result. With both after a time we switched to formula.
I am very respectful of the fact she does not like when I touch her breasts. But when she reacts the way she does it bothers me. It makes me feel like she doesn't find me attractive. It make me wonder if she even wants to have sex or if she just feels obligated because we are married.
I feel I need to make this clear. I am not some disrespectful jerk who goes around groping my wife all the time. That is not the case at all. I am just a man who needs help. So if you have advice I would love to hear it. But if all you can come up with is that I'm a jerk and it's somehow my fault, well that I can do with out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 June 2014):
Did she breastfeed?
Some women who have breastfeed feels disgusted with having their boobs become sexual object AFTER having nursed. I might feel weird to you, and even to her, but I see no other real alternative than RESPECT it?
Other women dislike how their boobs have changed after pregnancy & birth, they feel their LOST part of themselves. Again it might seem weird to you, but obviously not to her.
She is more than the sum/size of her boobs.
And IF she doesn't ENJOY it why is it so important to you that she "gets over it"?
Is this something SHE wants to get over? If so that is a whole other issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not a pain issue. She has told me that it does not hurt. She really can't explain why she does not like it, it just make her uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (28 June 2014):
Does it hurt her when you touch them? If so, she might need to see a doctor to find out if there is something wrong. Another option might be that she is self-conscious about them now if they have changed appearance since she gave birth. You could help with that by telling her how attractive you find her, but it might end up that she needs counselling to get over her insecurities.
More information on why she doesn't want you to touch her would help with the answers you get.
I feel I should also add that if she has told you not to touch them and you keep trying, then technically you are doing something wrong. I understand that it is frustrating for you, but you have to respect what she tells you.
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A
female
reader, PrimroseHill +, writes (28 June 2014):
Talk to her. Listen to her. Work through it. If need be, devise other methods of intimacy that doesn't involve her breasts if she really cannot overcome insecurities about this area of her body.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): If it pains her for you to touch them, then don't touch them. That's the end of the story. It has nothing to do with you. Her body has made them sensitive and she might have had a traumatic time with breastfeeding (it's stressful and hurts). You're going to have to respect that, or start looking for medical treatments that can help. If she doesn't want to do that ... sorry, but they're her breasts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Hi OP, does your wife say why she doesn't like you touching her breasts or do you have any idea? Without that information it is very hard to offer any advice
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