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How do I deal with feeling so Betrayed? My husband told family intimate details of our sex life.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Health, Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 October 2011) 13 Answers - (Newest, 4 October 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My husband recently told my family that I let him try anal sex.

This was really rude, disrespectful, and certainly uncalled for on my part. I am really upset that he felt it was 'ok' to share this private and personal information with my family of all people. I can't even look at him.

I have been crying all night and feel absolutely disgusted with myself, but at the time of trying anal sex, I figured that it was fine to try something so personal with someone you love.

Now...I'm not so sure. Any advice on how to get over this and move on?

Any one know how to speak with my family over the information shared--if I should even bring it up again to tell my side of the story or why I thought it was alright to try it in the first place?

Should I feel disgusted with myself in the first place? I just need some advice on how to go about life around the people who now know this information due to my very inconsiderate husband. At this moment, I want to crawl in a cave and die. And...what do I do with my husband now? At this moment, I HATE HIM!!!

View related questions: anal sex, move on, sex life

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (4 October 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntMy boyfriend OFTEN interprets peoples responses based ON HOW HE FEELS about something.

SINCE you were mortified (and rightfully so) is it even REMOTELY possible that everyone else (in the spirit of drunken revelry) had LESS of a response to it than you did?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks again for being so concerned, but to answer a question everyone seems to be having, is YES...my husband was drunk when he blurted this out. He has explained to me since this incident occured, that he thought he was making a joke and didn't think that I would mind since everyone was messing around and drinking, but this doesn't change the fact that the information was still shared and everyone in attendance seemed to be shocked. I obviously became really uncomfortable as did everyone else who heard what he said. Although what he did may have seemed like the actions of a teenager, I assure you that he is in his 30s.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (3 October 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt Did this come out all of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky ? For some reason, I have a hard time believing it. I mean, this is not normal, there must have been previous instances of "socially awkard or socially inappropriate " behaviour ( just to use an euphemism ), and you maybe have chosen to ignore them because , well, because when you are in love you would ignore also multiple homicides.

Maybe your husband has Asperger's or Tourette or a raging ADD- or any condition that gives you poor impulse control and the tendency to just blurt out whatever , unfiltered.

Frankly I can't find any other explanation, either that - or , forgive me, he is just completely, utterly an idiot, but I suppose you'd have noticed that while you were dating.

Have there been other instances where he "just spoke his mind " out of place and out of context ? Is he impulsive, over reactive, makes irrational split second decisions... ?

There MUST be something here worth a trip to a doctor. I just can't figure a son in law at a family dinner announcing all smug and satisfied " I am so happy I married Mary Jane, she is a great cook, and she also let me f... her in the a.. when I want "

As for your family, no, don't say anything EVER, you don't have either to discuss your sex life with them or to justify your sexual choices, it's none of their business anyway, and I bet that they already had too much information for comfort and don't wish to know anything more.

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (3 October 2011):

angelDlite agony aunterm, are you married to a teenager?? has he explained to you what on earth made him want to tell your family? if he is telling THEM stuff like this i dread to think what he tells his buddies about your private life. very disrespectful. very un-called for and VERY idiotic. if he doesn't realise that he has done something wrong then he has got problems. was he drunk or something? did he actually TELL them or was it more of a hint at it; an in-joke with you, but they were present?

x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011):

OMG, your husband did WHAT?? Is he insane??

I'm very concerned about your husband's apparent lack of social boundaries. Not only did he violate trust boundaries with you, but also he violated boundaries with his family because I doubt they were 'happy' or at ease with hearing these things!! you really can't trust him anymore.

It's absurd that you're even wondering how to explain to these people why you tried this in bed!! You don't owe anyone any explanation for anything that goes on behind your own closed doors!!

You need to take this up with your husband. You need to tell him that you're really not OK with him telling other people about your sex life, that he betrayed your trust. Ask him how he would feel if you went and told your family details of his private parts.

As for how to look the other family members in the eye...this is a really uncomfortable situation but I would just try to pretend as if nothing happened and that they don't know about it, and try to behave normal to them. IF they have the gall to comment or ask you about it, then level the playing field a bit by asking them a blunt question about their own sex lives!! hey it's only right that if they know details of your sex life you should know about theirs too (even though I bet you really don't want to hear it!!)...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you to all of you who answered my question. It has been about 24 hours since this embarassment occured and I am still crying. I understand that married couples try new sexual adventures and it is only normal to do so, but I can't help but continue to feel disgusted with myself. I can only hope that time will help heal the way I feel and the now torn relationship with my husband that is in need of mending. Thanks.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (2 October 2011):

RedAthena agony auntWow, was your husband a dumb@ss! He just took something that was private and intimate between lovers and broadcasted/boasted to family.

Obviously, he was only thinking of himself and disregarded your feelings and your private life. You are validated to be hurt and angry. He should be worried if you withold your sexual presence for his enjoyment! (Boy, he really did not think it through!)

First, you are going to have to disregard what other people think at this time. You are married;people assume you have sex. What was said was embarrassing, but it does not devalue you to your friends/family. Those people LOVE you and HOPEFULLY someone will speak up and tell your hubby to shut his yap in the future.

Do not explain yourself any further to others. It is none of their business, nor do you have to clarify or defend what you do as an adult.

Second, sit down with your hubby and tell him that you need some boundaries in your marriage if you are ever going to trust him again. Without trust, there will be no sex. There will be no new sexual adventures/exploration either.

If he chooses to destroy the emotional integrity and respect of your intimate life as a couple (that includes sex and anything private and personal!) then he will find himself to be a very lonely man.

Also, you did not "let" him do anything. You participated as a couple in a shared experience. You were not just there for his usage. You are not a think to brag about to others as a conquest.

I would be laying down the law. "If you ever HOPE to have sex with me again. You will discuss it with only ME or a professional (Dr./therapist) if that is ever needed."

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011):

I am with C.Grant on this one - this is almost too stunning to believe. In the past I too have had issues about my partner telling people what I believe to be personal information about me, but NEVER anything like this.

I am really sorry but your husband sounds not only immature, but also, like Chigirl is saying, also very sexist to the point of being actively misogynistic - he seems to have taken pleasure in knowingly embarassing and degrading you, as a woman, in front of your family and it seems in order for him to feel more "manly" - there is no way that he could not have been aware that this was a potentially very embarassing issue for you, despite anything that he may say otherwise, everyone knows that this level of intimacy is supposed to be private - we haven't reached cultural levels yet (thank god) where we openly discuss such things, it is just not usually done.

Rather, it seems that this is precisely what he took pleasure in - that is, enjoying breaking this social boundary in order to degrade you just as much as he probably enjoyed breaking a previous sexual boundary between the two of you.

You must really love your husband a lot to even contemplate staying with him after this - it is not just what he has done this one time, but what it indicates of his emotional maturity (lack of) and respect for you (again, lack of) in general, that is so appalling. It really gives me the creeps.

Personally I would not stay for a minute in a relationship with the guy, but love is blind, as they say. As to how you should deal with your family from now on - I think everyone has already answered that in the best possible way.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (2 October 2011):

eddie agony auntHoe did he say this? What was the context and how did the conversation start? Which family members were there and how did they react? I'm just curious about how this cam up, not trying to justify his actions,

Say nothing to anyone. They all have things they enjoy too. The only difference is your husband chose to state your actions in public.

We can assume that most people are sexual. Particulars are usually not discussed,

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A male reader, C. Grant Canada + , writes (2 October 2011):

C. Grant agony auntMy jaw dropped when I read this. That is so far out of bounds it's stunning. I can't imagine what was going through his mind that would make him blurt out such a thing.

Is he a mama's boy? Have there been other instances of him missing the whole idea of boundaries?

No, you don't need to discuss it. Presumably your family is just as horrified as he is, and will want to pretend the line was never crossed.

I wouldn't feel disgusted because you tried something new, that you pushed your envelope the give him a special treat. I would, however, feel that the 'gift' had been devalued. I hope he liked it, because his 'reward' should be never again. Honestly, you can't punish him enough for this. So many couples have problems with intimacy even without a huge trust issue hanging over their heads. He's taken a marvelous gesture on your part and turned it into a problem it's going to take massive rebuilding to overcome.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (2 October 2011):

chigirl agony aunt"Any one know how to speak with my family over the information shared--if I should even bring it up again to tell my side of the story or why I thought it was alright to try it in the first place?"

You do not owe your family an explanation. What you do in the bedroom is between you and your husband. He went too far in sharing such information, but him stepping too far does not mean you should go in to do "damage control" or any sort. Having tried anal sex is not a sin nor something to be ashamed of. It'd be equally shameful of HIM had he told your family that you perform oral sex on each other, or places and locations for where you have sex. A married couple with a healthy sex life have sex. Anal sex, intercourse, oral sex, outdoors sex, bondage sex, role play sex. We all have sex. And this is NOT something you should feel shamed of.

I believe you feel ashamed because of the way your husband worded himself. I'd be embarrassed had a partner of mine discussed our sex life with someone else. In fact, I once had a partner who told his friends, while I was in the same room, about making me squirt in bed. Which he hadn't even done, but that is besides the point. The point is that it is embarrassing and uncalled for in either scenario. But then your husband topped it off by saying "you let him try anal", as if this is not something you as a couple have shared. He makes it out to sound as something he gets and you give, while in fact anal sex, like any other form of sex, is something you SHARE TOGETHER. It is not something one partner gives and one takes.

This view that you "gave in" and "gave" anal sex, sort of makes it sound like it was against your will, and purely for his pleasure. With women being allowed to enjoy sex, do not lower yourself to this old idea that women are mere toys to be used in bed. You didn't give him anything more than you wanted to experience yourself. The fact that you are a sexual being is not something you should feel shame for.

You absolutely need to discuss this with your husband, both the fact that he overstepped the boundaries of privacy, AND the fact that he appears to have an unhealthy view of the sexual dynamics of the relationship. Sex in it's every form is something you and him both share, and absolutely not something he gets and you give. There shouldn't be a "winner" and a "loser" in sex. You are both equals. Instead of saying "she lets me have anal sex" (implying that you give and he takes) he needs to say "we have anal sex". Because he IS part of the act after all, and not just someone who receives something. He is a giving partner as well. He might as well have said "I allow her to use me for every position she desires" (this last one turns it around to him being the giver and you the receiver).

Talk to your husband. You and him need to have a LONG talk. He needs to respect you more. Both in the bedroom (that you are equals, not one winner and one loser), and outside of the bedroom (private information stays private).

As for your family, ignore it. Avoid the people who know for some time until you feel better. Do not speak of it. It is none of their business, and you do not at all owe them any form of explanation. If anything your husband should apologize to them for sharing information they probably did not want to know. And then count on your family to stay respectful and never mention it. This will fade away by itself. Grown people have sex, it's not a secret, and not at all something you need to feel ashamed by.

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A female reader, cmarieky United States +, writes (2 October 2011):

Your husband unfortunately is very childish. That is not adult like behavior that is exhibited in a marriage, to share the bedroom intimacy. Unless there were intimacy issues, then and only then would he share it with someone....obviously a paid therapist who is neutral on the individuals and have experience in helping others with such matters.

I wouldn't try to clarify any loose ends with the family. Is just give them room to speculate without contributing as if its true or not. This is no small matter unless your husband is really younger than you then that would explain not excuse his indecent behavior. Sit him down and explain to him why you are hurt, tell him you won't tolerate such disrespect.

Ask him if he would feel okay if you shared with his family he has a less than average dick size or his bedroom performance can be way better. See how he reacts if you were to let his family know that. Discuss with him what is personal in a marriage and shouldn't be shared, set boundaries. Take a close look at this and if this continue then you may have to end your marriage. Take care

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011):

You have been crying all night obviously distraught over this (I would be too if I were in your shoes :-/ )...has your husband tried to apologize? Does he seem to understand why you feel the way you do?

If he doesn't seem to 'get it' and he doesn't seem remorseful then you need to seriously consider whether you can spend the rest of your life with a selfish and insensitive man.

Do not bring this up with your family. It will make something so personal even more awkward. If you did not acknowledge that it happened, you don't have to explain anything to them. If you did acknowledge that it happened, you still don't have to explain anything to them.

What goes on in a bedroom between a husband and wife is NOT a family affair. Your husband's indiscretion does NOT make it a family affair. If someone in your family is bold enough to even hint or ask about anal sex tell them the only way it happened was in your husband's dreams. Ok?

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