A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is long, so thank you to whoever is reading this…I’ve been in a relationship with a truly wonderful man for just over 3 years. I am now 26 and he is 50. Fortunately he has aged well and he keeps fit. I met him when he supposedly was separated. We worked together briefly. He lived in the basement of his house while his wife and 3 kids lived in the main house. I accepted this because I wanted him to be there for his younger kids. He did this for about 1 ½ and he finally rented an apartment and moved out. He does go there on weekends because he loves the house and the place, it is a beautiful island. I haven’t told my family about him at all. He understands this because of my culture and now he wants more and so do I. My family would never accept that I’ve fallen in love with a man 24 years older than me and who is separated with 3 kids. I lie all the time about what I’m doing and who I’m seeing, I’ve honestly lost part of my brain power. All my life all I’ve ever wanted was a simple and happy life… and it is more complicated that its ever been. Over the years I’ve come to resent parts of his life, the ex-wife and even some of the kids.If there was a scale for agony, I would be at a 10. The only thing that keeps me going is that our love is timeless and serendipitous. I’ve come to a point where I just don’t know what to do about our relationship. I just needed to make my thoughts tangible. If you have any thoughts, about me or this situation (good or bad), please do leave them. I would be so grateful…
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): The older man's point of view; If he is divorced and she is really an X and you two love each other so much, why don't you two marry? It takes two to decide. If he really loves you and you really love him the rest doesn't matter. The kids, mother, mother in law, friends and other relatives will get used to it and if your best interest is in his heart, all of theirs will be, too. I don't know what culture your from, but it shouldn't matter if you are strong in your own thinking. But, if this helps, I am nearing the end of a marriage gone hopeless. I could last another year or two. I promise, I am as nice as can be but tired of the constant upsets and so is she. My wife is Chinese and so is my girlfriend. I am 27 years older than my secret girlfriend, whom of which wants to marry when she graduates college. I said OK I will wait for you. Now, she is not sure about marriage because she does not want to upset her mom. But she doesn't care that much, and her idea for our future is we move to another city where she doesn't live in sight of her family but can visit them or they can visit us. She says she is comfortable with our age difference as she will also grow older too, not just me. Our sex is wonderful, she brings youth back to my life and I study how to stay young and fit looking for her. Age is not the issue for us but we also know her parents will not appreciate it, so they still don't know yet. That will wait until after her graduation, then we will really know what we will do. And if it all breaks then we had many wonderful times. I did way more for her than most any other young man in his early 20's could have done. Her and I are in our second year now, really we don't argue, we don't all the time disagree and we both respect each others feelings and thoughts, unlike with my wife. So, I say, love and consideration is the key and of course honesty is the lock. Men can be youthful even into their 70s and 80s where as woman really can't. If you love each other, go for it, if you don't, tell him bye.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): If she is an X and you two love each other so much, why don't you two marry? It takes two decide. If he really loves you and you really love him the rest doesn't really matter. The kids, mother, mother in law, friends and other relatives will get used to it and if your best interest is in his heart,all of theirs will be too. I don't know the culture your from, but it shouldn't matter if you are strong in your own thinking. But, if this helps, I am nearing the end of a marriage gone hopeless. My wife is Chinese and so is my girlfriend. I am 27 years older than my secret girlfriend, whom of which wants to marry when she graduates college. I said OK I will wait for you. Now, she is not sure about marriage because she does not want to upset her mom. But she doesn't care that much, and her idea for our future is we move to another city where she doesn't live in sight of her family but can visit them or they can visit us. She says if she is comfortable with our age difference as she will also grow older too, not just me. Our sex is wonderful, she brings youth back to my life and I study how to stay young looking for her. Age is not the issue,but we also know her mother will not appreciate it, but doesn't know yet. That will wait until after her graduation, then we will really know what we will do. And if it all breaks up in the end, we had many wonderful times. I did way more for her than most any other young man in his early 20's could have done. Her and I are in our second year now, really we don't argue, we don't all the time disagree and we both respect each others feelings, unlike with my wife. So, I say, love and consideration is the key and of course honesty is the lock. If you love each other, go for it, if you don't, tell him bye.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (1 February 2012):
This guy could be your dad. Look, I don't give a damn about age gaps, but there's a line and it looks like you've crossed it.
This guy has twice the amount of life experience. You're just starting out in life. He's already experienced all that. And now he treats himself with a hot young thing on the side of his established marriage--poor little naive you.
This guy has it all sorted out. You believe his stupid flimsy excuses, you give up your time for him while he only puts himself first, he's happy, you're miserable. Tell me what "wonderful man" would put his loved one through this? I know a woman who has been dating a married man (who insists he's separating--for seven years already!) who will never leave his family for her. They go on trips, they have fun, but she's alone on all the important holidays. She suffers through his excuses. She still believes he'll leave his wife for her but everyone knows he won't. You know the saying, if you can't spot the sucker, the sucker is you? Well, this applies today, my dear.
If you have some sense in that fogged-over-by-love brain of yours, you end this now and find a man closer to your age who will give you his full time and dedication. That's what a sensible person would do.
If you're still not convinced, try this test: if this had happened to your best girl friend instead of you, what advice would you give her? Truly think this over from that perspective--no cheating! You should have your answer by then...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): I forgot to add:
He has aged well and keeps fit: don't let this fool you: he has an ample supply of Viagra or equivilent
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): "I’ve been in a relationship with a truly wonderful man . . . I met him when he supposedly was separated. . .
I haven’t told my family about him at all."
If he was a "truly" wonderful man he wouldn't need to hide you from his wife and kids and you wouldn't need to hide him from your parents and siblings.
"I’ve honestly lost part of my brain power."
Not just part of your brain power, all of it, along with your self-respect, morals and values.
"The only thing that keeps me going is that our love is timeless and serendipitous."
No, the only thing that keeps you going is his penis is present and available.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Well some states do allow you to live under the same roof in separate rooms and consider it a legal separation. Where I live you cannot reside under the same roof (not even the same room but in the same HOUSE) even ONE night and be considered separated.
The way you write you said “supposedly” separated so you clearly don’t believe he was separated.
He’s 50 how young are these children??? I’m almost 52 and my BABY is going to be 26 this year.
You say he has aged well and kept fit. Yeah yeah sure sure… let me tell you how fast that will go…. So that if him looking and acting young is important to you know that part of your relationship is fleeting…
He WILL age sooner rather than later…
HE GOES TO HIS WIFE’S HOME ON THE WEEKENDS BECAUSE HE LOVES THE HOUSE AND THE PLACE???
How about he goes to his WIFE and KIDS on the weekends because he loves and misses HIS FAMILY????
He wants MORE? What does he want? To get married? He has to get divorced first…..
Do you lie because of his AGE or because of his MARITAL STATUS???
BTW she is not an EX wife if they are not divorced she is not even ESTRANGED if he spends weekends with her…
If you are at the top of the misery scale what is in it for you? When will he stop spending weekends with his wife? Will he divorce her and still want to spend his weekends with her and their kids? Where do YOU fit into weekends?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): He is so much older than u. When u are in your 30s you are going to have gramps to take care of. For me though it is Not the age difference: it is the fact that he is still married. Why do u resent his wife? She has done nothing to you. In fact u helped take her hb away from her and the kids. Remember he was still with her in their home when u two started your affair. So this speaks volumes of him.
Of course this older man is quite chaffed that he has a young woman in his bed, after all who wouldn't. But he is selfish, dishonest and a cheater.
Why do u hide all this from your family: bec When they are made aware they will try to remove the scales from your eyes and u are not ready for this.
I'm sure u will want kids: will he be in his late 50s or 60s when u start. I'm sure he has the finances but a family is so much more than just money.
Personally I see that u have the raw end of the deal. Yes u may now have this older womans hb but at what cost? Your future?
U need to make your own decisions and u need to listen to that quiet voice causing this turmoil in your heart. It is telling u that your situation is so wrong But only u can decide this.
Are u ready to play stepmum to kids as old as yourself. And step grandma? Well that's what u are heading towards.
What about his older friends? Will they respect u or gossip about you?
Will his kids accept u. Or will they see u as a "homewrecker" bec he left after your affair started. Will your parents accept this older married man. I think u know the answer bec I'm sure if either of your friends were in this situation u would also frown.
Ask yourself why u are willing to let this older married man steal your life. He may be "seperated" but in actual fact he is still legally married.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 January 2012):
 When you ask him why he hasn't gotten a divorce yet, what does he tell you?
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A
male
reader, ChrisJones  +, writes (31 January 2012):
Hi my Dear, you have to hear your hearth, if your man is sincere and he love you and doesn't hurt/cheat you, then you go on in yours story and don't think to nothing. Life is one, be determined and enjoy the sweet moments. Nothing is everlasting, carpe diem and Good Luck !!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 January 2012):
 He's fit and he's in his 50s and at the beginning it was exciting and he seemed the answer to all your dreams. He is no doubt good at telling you what you want to hear.
But does he deliver?
you are clearly unhappy.
The relationship is making you sad and that is not how a happy relationship is meant to work. Ergo, this relationshipis not a happy one. Even if he is able to convince you otherwise.
Does this guy even express any guilt or embarassment about his own actions, such that you have to endure a less than perfect relationship?
No, you have to put up with a guy who is not there for you when you need him. You are not as much of a priority as you deserve to be.
You are young, you are in your Beautiful 20s. And you deserve open happy loving with a man who can treat you well 24/7.
You are being stymied in a relationship to the point where you are trapped emotionally by a selfish svengali of a man who has blindsided you into thinking that he is the answer to your dreams.
He is not.
Instead he is a part time lover who wants his cake and wants to ... it as well. Seeing his home is MORE important to him than makeing a real attempt to have an equal respectful relationship.
He selfishly ruins your weekends because he wants to visit the house he lived in with his wife?
No wonder this relationship affects you.
When do you and this selfish PROCRASTINATING man who cannot make a decision after three years to end this relationship or see a divorce lawyer?
All this lying and feeling (VERY understandably resentful about his selfishness) and so hurt must be surely affecting your health. This relationship sounds down right unhealthy.
It also means that you, and attractive woman in her 20s, never get to share your boyfriend with your family at family gatherings. Instead you have to accept the crumbs. And not even a decent weekend to get away and unwind in some nice place.
What has this man got to offer, except empty soft words to keep on keeping you as his part time girl?
All this agony about a relationship is not worth it. In a Good relationship you would be feeling better and better. You you be proud to introduce your beau to your family, friends, attend work events.
But instead you have to make-do with a less than optimum situation.
Book yourself a holiday. Somewhere warm, friendly, happy, exotic and go alone. Find out what it is like to have completely happy no-compromises fun. Enjoy the freedom to enjoy like minded company of intelligent nice people like yourself.
And when you get back start going out more.
Over more than 1095 days this man in his 50s has not found the time to once arrange his divorce?
Over more than 1095 days you have put up with being the 'sometimes' girl friend. It is not fair. It would suck. It would make me miserable if I were in your situation.
In another 10 years you will be in your 30s. He will be retiring.
Then in your prime in your 40s you will have a 70year old who is starting to slow down. By which time you will be working full time to pay for the lifestyle he wants, probably still visiting his family home because he likes it so much. Maybe not even divorced still.
A long time ago actor called Spencer Tracy did this to a long time ago actress called Katherine Hepburn. He never married her. She was an intelligent striking patient woman. But he was never prepared to divorce his wife either.
Please try a twelve month break. Live a little. Insist on no contact with him.
At the end of 12 months I bet your life will comprose a who lot more synergy and fun and happiness. Live your life (without him in your life) instead of marking time marching on the spot as part of his life.
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