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Heartbroken even though I dumped him and now I want him to chase me and get me back

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Forbidden love, Marriage problems, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 September 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 September 2017)
A female Ireland age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I need your help folks. I was seeing a guy who was coming out of a marriage. He was single for about 8 months and we started seeing each other. Both of us knew each other locally and we were both surprised when we got to know each other and developed feelings for each other. it came like a bolt from the blue and neither of us saw it coming. We just clicked. We ended up getting very close, I thought of him as my soul mate, we'd so much in common. But he was going through a lot of family difficulties, his wife causing problems with his children. His children not really speaking to him. He was so open and honest about everything. His ex wife was upset because the relationship ended and he moved out. He was then looking after his elderly mother and living with her. We got physically close but he only wanted to see me at my house because he couldn't risk his kids or his ex wife seeing us together as the relationship was very fractious with his kids. One recently moved hom from the states and he wanted to rebuild his relationship and get to know his grandkid. I understood that to an extent but was finding it so difficult being his "seret" and felt I deserved more. So I ended it..reluctantly. It caused me a lot of pain and still is..it's only been a fortnight and I feel so devastated. I just don't know what to do. I have cracked and texted him general stuff..because I miss him. He's been quite cool, but always answers my texts. I miss him so much, but I can't go back to the status quo and he hasn't bothered to text me of his own iniative. I have no way of knowing how he feels or if we'll ever get back together which I would really like, if things were right for me. I miss my soul mate so much it's so difficult, please help. I know I am not going to be able to move on easily, if at all.

View related questions: ex-wife, get back together, his ex, move on, moved out, soulmate, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with WiseOwlE and his manly perspective :)

You are expecting too much. More than he is willing and probably able to give.

He needs to be in a place in his life where things have calmed down. After the divorce where he, his ex-wife and the "kids" having found a semblance of peace with it.

He doesn't want his daughter to deny him access to his grandson and dating someone new THIS soon might make her do so. After all, she might feel more sympathy for her mother than father.

If I were you I'd back totally away. 100%. If he tries to get in touch suggest that he stops doing that till he is totally ready to DATE you probably. To NOT keep you as a dirty secret from family and friends. If you are still single in 9-12 months time and he is in a better place than MAYBE you two can have another go.

No more texting, nothing. LEAVE him to sort out his life. The LAST thing he needs is more drama from you.

The last thing YOU need is being treated like you don't matter. And he has so little to GIVE right now that you will always end up with that rough end of the stick.

WANT more for yourself.

He didn't treat you as his new GF, but as a mistress and that is NOT what you want or deserve.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

To tell you the truth, his life is full of drama. Sick mother, testy ex-wife, iffy-kids, and so on. There are too many twists and turns.

I've already responded to a post about recent-divorcees with kids. They have too many emotional-connections to attend to, post-divorce. He's being pulled every-which way by women. Then he has a daughter he's got to patch things up with; who no doubt has resentment for him divorcing her mother. They're estranged for whatever reason; so that will need time for them to work things out.

Now he has a new grand-child entering the picture. Is his daughter a single-mother?

You stepped-in too soon, and you're demanding too much. You threw yourself in too hard to start with.

You're mature enough to know that you must pace your feelings; and it's quite risky getting into a commitment with someone recently after a breakup. It's even more complicated after a divorce. He has barely had time to breathe!

I guess women may give you better answers; but from a man's perspective, I think you're expecting too much. I also think you're far too deeply-attached in so little time. If he were a single-man, I'd say you would both be on the same page within the time-frame of 9-months. Not with a man recently divorced, and making all sorts of excuses why he can't attend to your emotional needs. What do I know? I'm just a man. Maybe I shouldn't have responded to this one.

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A male reader, Hot Cup of Tea Spain +, writes (10 September 2017):

I think this all depends on how you broke up with him.

He was open with you and I hope you were the same- saying that although you thought alot of him, you felt it wasnt the right time for you both to continue the relationship and that once he was in a better place maybe you could resume. If this is what you did then I hope he is trying to get this better place so you both do have a future and maybe he needs the space to get there. If on the other hand you have broken up with him as a way of testing his loyalty and reaction then you need to do alot of growing up and frankly he is better of without you as he has better things to do then having to deal with a control freak who feels the world shuld revolve around her

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 September 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou broke up for a reason and nothing has changed, so why would you want to go back into that situation? I totally get how much you miss him but he is not in a good place to start a new relationship at the moment.

He was fresh out of a marriage, the break-up was not on friendly terms and his children (non of whom I am assuming are very young but, rather, young adults) are not happy about their parents separating. Of course he is not going to rub all their noses in his new relationship. That would be insensitive and could also cause many problems for him.

He was obviously in the marriage for many years if he has grown up offspring so getting into another relationship a few months down the line is probably not the best idea in the world. His priorities are still very much focused on his children and his ex wife.

You CAN move but only if you decide to do so. It's only been a couple of weeks so your pain and feelings of loss are still very fresh and strong. You need to give yourself time.

If you feel that strongly, perhaps you could let him know that, when he is in a better place emotionally and when things have settled down on the family front, you would be open to the idea of trying to re-establish a relationship on firmer footing. You know the relationship you had was not making you happy, otherwise you would not have walked away. Sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong time. Fingers crossed, the time will be right for you two in the future.

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