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I'm on the verge of having an affair

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Faded love, Family, Forbidden love, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 September 2017) 12 Answers - (Newest, 19 September 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid,

I am about to start an affair, I'm 30 year old woman, in along term relationship. I've been married for so many years and we have 2 children.

I have a stable life, extremely loving husband, too loving he doesn't get the concept of personal space or an individual activity. We do everything together.

My kids are amazing, from the outside we look like a perfect family.

Good looking couple with 2 beautiful children living in a good neighbourhood.

I have been unhappy for over a year, our marriage is consuming to me.

I and at no fault to my husband found myself slowly losing interest in him, I know I love him but I'm not in love with him and has been for a long time.

A year ago, I tried to address my feelings. And we talked about it and decided to change our routine to bring the spark back.

But, I kid you not, there is no spark. I have no sexual desire for my husband nor I find him interesting. He changed a lot, he is always miserable. Always wants to have sex, everyday and makes big deal about it, if we go by two days without, he will be counting and behaving in a really annoying clingy way.

It's like sex is life to him, if we have good sex that means all our problems is gone.

It's a lot of little things that with time I found myself unable to live with.

I have loved him, I have been faithful and I have tried to put up with all the things I don't like about him in favour of the things I love.

But he grew more controlling, looking in my phone, reading my conversations, opening my mail and so on..

I never had anything to hide, my phone is unlocked without a password. He knows the password for my email, Facebook and so on.. and it's for him a normal thing, I'm his wife, and that means he have the right.. I don't agree as I appreciate personal privacy but I always let it go.

He is not a bad person, at all. He just developed dependency and developed a feeling of ownership.

I thought about my kids, our lovely home and my extremely tooooo loving husband who clings on me like a slug in a shell (that's actually what I tell him we are) and I feel so unhappy because I'm not in love with my husband. I don't have feelings for him at all.

I don't fancy him, I don't want to have sex with him and I don't want to even kiss him.

I decided to do what an honest adult would do. Have a talk about our marriage. I was unhappy, and there isn't huge reasons for why my feelings have changed. They slowly over the years did.

I told him, I care about him, I truly do and I love him but I'm not in love with him. I told him I want to separate for a while, see if my feelings would change.

But I asked him to keep it quiet from the kids as we are still unsure of what will happen and what ever will happen our kids don't need to suffer because any decisions we make.

After all, I stayed unhappy for along time just because of my kids and I don't want them to ever suffer the results of broken up marriages.

In my head, I thought if we can talk openly we will reach some settlement. But my husband did not handle the grown up talk, started crying and then told me that if I leave him to consider that the father of my kids is dead, that I'm killing him by taking the kids away from him, and that no matter what I say the results would be, him destroyed and our kids destroyed.

He said, if I leave him and we separate I will eventually end up with someone else and that someone will be in our kids life and that he will never let that happen. He will never let me leave him too.

At that point, I gave up on trying to leave him because I'm scared for him. He turns all self destructive and becomes irrational.

I thought to myself, I'm not leaving him for any other man, I'm not in love with anyone else. I'm just not in love with my husband but as he will use the kids and I know he will, my kids will truly go through a horrible divorce and will be effected.

So, I decided to stay in our marriage so my kids have their loving father.

But I told him, I'm still not happy.

Few months passed and I have seen a man who sexually turned me on. This is the 1st time it happens since I got with my husband. I never even looked at other men really.

But this man, his presence was so noted by my senses. This man, was just a wake up call. I am actually a person with feelings.

I didn't act upon my desire and even though I seen this man here and there I preserved and turned down all his tries because I didn't want to cheat.

This was that and I stayed away and faithful.

Days in and out and I'm empty from inside, so lonely, my husband have turned a bit aggressive (not towards us) but he says it clear now that 'anyone who tries it on you I will act crazy and punish them'

I know he doesn't mean it and will not do it but it's the fact he is using all this tiring emotional methods to keep me with him.

Until couple of months ago.

Randomly commenting on a post on Facebook, someone answers back and start debating me on the topic of the post (public page) , it was so random and unimportant.

This person commenting messaged me about the post , very politely having a quite pleasant intelligent conversation about that topic.

The internet connection was rubbish and he asked me if I have WhatsApp and I added him on there and talked with him for about 15 min maybe.

Again, as I said before, my husband have access to my phone, Facebook and so on , he seen my conversation with this guy and he was really upset. He told me he doesn't like that guy and doesn't want me talking to him and asked me to block him.

I was surprised because for the 1st time I feel he is abit out of order telling who I can and cannot have a simple conversation with. This argument ended up in his favour and I blocked this random guy.

I only blocked him because this guy meant nothing to me, and was not worth the fight over. So I saved my sanity and blocked him to comfort my husband and end his drama.

So I blocked him on both Facebook and WhatsApp.i then changed my phone and that unlocked the lock on WhatsApp automatically.

This is very important information. Me and my husband are of two different ethnic groups. We met at Uni in London, we speak English together but we both speak different languages and adapt different culture.

I found someone ringing me on WhatsApp but not an English number. It was my home country code.

I answered thinking it must be one of my relatives, to my complete surprise and shock, it was this guy who I talked to previously and blocked. Still speaking in English with me (he didn't figure out yet that we are from the same country) and I didn't know before I seen the phone number. He asked me in English why I blocked him, he said he found it very strange and odd and he only texted me because he went on a holiday to his home country and found my number in his WhatsApp saved on his phone but unblocked.

I answered him in our language, telling him the truth.

I told him, it's silly but I had a little argument over you with my husband and decided my husband was more important than a random guy I talked too online.

He was surprised, laughed a lot about silly things he found different back home and asked me casually if I needed any thing from our country as he is flying back to London that night.

He told me he doesn't wanna cause me trouble but now that we are homies we are gonna be friends.

I quite liked that, having a friend. But out of all people, the random person my husband disliked turns to be my homie and he is interesting, not in a sexual way, in a home sick way. Speaking the same language, laughing about a joke that no one will find funny if translated and so on.

When he came back to London, we started messaging each other on WhatsApp, innocent conversations but I ended up deleting it from my phone. This was the 1st time I delete something off my phone, even though there wasn't any reason to do so.

We started talking more and more, and our talks took a weird turn.

We talked ok video calls many times, talked a lot ! And then our talks became sensitive, he was asking questions that will get him to truly know me. I was getting to know him too, but I'm married and I can't allow myself to develop feelings for anyone because I won't be able to leave my husband and that means I will only be more unhappy.

When I realised our talks becoming intimate I told him that it's stressing me out how I'm keeping him a secret from my husband and that I need to End this amusing online getting to know each other thing. We stopped talking , couple of days later, we talked , asked if I wanna meet for coffe, become real friends he said.

I agreed, we went for a coffee, spent about an hour laughing about things we share in common and things we don't share at all.

Our differences are striking, he is extremely tall and big built and I'm kind of petite. He looks sweet with a happy face and I'm anxious with a serious face.

But we had fun, our differences are nothing to what we have in common.

At this point, I did not think of him more than a friend who I needed his company.

But the next time we met, things changed a lot, the sweet innocent man was no more.

He was naughty, all over me, talking playfully dirty.

Being extremely clever with each word he say and every move he makes.

Although nothing physically happened, there was a line crossed at this point.

But since then, our talks became sexual. He told me straight he fancy me, and wants me and that he feels I want him too.

We talked a lot about it because I'm married and it won't happen.

But I do want him, I want him so much.

I can feel him falling for me,we even talked about that, falling for a married woman is troubling.

We decided to meet again, this time to spend more than an hour together in a coffee shop, but this time he is going to kiss me, hold me and he is going to make me feel how much he wants me (I don't think we will have sex, but I'm sure there will be lots of play)

And .. I'm walking willingly into an affair.

I have told you everything, it's too long. But if you read up to hear I'm hopeful you can tell me what to do.

I feel unease about the idea of being sexual with someone when i have a husband who think I'm trying to make this work.

I don't want to be a cheater, but I'm finding my self a cheater.

I don't want too yet my mind tells me an affair is all I can have.

View related questions: affair, divorce, facebook, married woman, my ex, neighbour, petite, spark, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017):

You will probably find this new guy wants to sleep with you, but will never take care of you or your children.

You are screwing over your children if you break up the marriage before they are grown. Why did you have children, if you aren't willing to put up with a loving guy that you just don't have a spark for?

He does not owe you happiness. Nobody can make you happy except you. The new guy isn't going to make you happy, at least not for long, but he will make your children miserable.

Put your kids first, and work on being happy taking care of them. You can go back to being selfish after they're grown up.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNo OP what would destroy your children emotionally is having an affair. If you are tempted now, you will be more so in the future when you become even more miserable and if he catches you he will take your children with him and claim you where the one that broke the marriage by being unfaithful.

First off it won't destroy your children getting a divorce, you say he shouts at the children and you are unhappy, do you not think your children sense this? All he is doing is making empty threats because he does not want you to leave. You are not trapped you are an adult and you should be protecting your children and that's not from divorce but from being unhappy. He is unhappy as he does not trust you, you are unhappy as you do not love him, and believe me your children will pick up on that unhappiness and think that is the way life should be.

You need to be strong for all four off you here, you need to be the one to make the changes. File for divorce, make up a plan where the children can spend time with you and their father and believe me one day you will both be much happier.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017):

I'm actually the OP but I don't have an account so can't post this an update.

I would like to thank you all for being a good sound of reason.

I did not physically cheat but I admit even though I don't have emotions for this guy I let my fantasies control me.

I stopped contact with this man.

Thought I'll make an effort, organised a lovely night for me and my husband.

We had an amazing all night sex that it felt good.

But here is the truth, I cannot control my feelings towards my husband. I had sec with him purely for sex, my emotions are not there.

But it was a nice get that made my husband very happy, he was smiling and nice all day long

Tonight. I'm shattered with the kids waking up every an hour and this morning, he just wake up msirable shouting at our youngest for waking him up, turning on me and just being a complete unpleasant person and stormed out of the house.

This is one of those moments, where you open your eyes to a new day that starts with a horrible face and loud shouting and dramatic exit, all before I had the chance to get out of bed to tend to our kids.

I'm just so unhappy with him , I' fell out of love with him and no matter hard I try and the years are my proof, it's done.

But he will never leave me and would destroy our kids emotionally so I'm back to being trapped.

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A male reader, Sam Wilson United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

Sam Wilson agony auntDear Anonymous Poster,

Let me start by saying that I get your situation and what you are going through. But please consider a few points and reflect on your situations.

You are married with the man who fathers your children. A marriage is a two person responsibility.Before considering the way your husbands acting, please look into yourself first. Subtle ways of miscommunication, coldness, and indifference causes mixed signals within the two of you that have changed his attitude. Try and better yourself, be more caring and understanding of your husband and always tell him the truth.

He acts clingy because your being distant, he knows he's going to lose you. I myself think that him acting that way caused a rift between you two. FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT.

Please attempt to fix your relationship first before doing anything that you might regret. Undergo counseling, go on dates, voice your troubles and worries to your husband and check if he'll respond; and if you can tell him what you're going through...tell him. He's your husband and he deserves that.

I know you are already considering having an affair, but the thing is you're just unhappy and unsatisfied, you maybe looking for an outlet to escape reality. Cheating on your husband makes you equally responsible for ruining the relationship, there is no excuse. The feeling of CHEATING has an ALLURE on it's own that's making you want to do it. If you are going through with it you are only proving your husband right. For your sake and the sake of your family please don't.

Divorce is filed when a marriage is irreparably broken. Do you really believe that? do you really think that there is nothing more you and your husband can do to fix your relationship? Or is just the minor inconveniences adding up causing you to be unhappy?...consider that.

If you really cant resolve the crisis just file for divorce, it saves everyone the time and heartbreak. A man willing to hook up or pursue a married woman has a set of problems and faults all on his own, bringing in that type of man in your life is sure to cause problems. No offense to the OTHER MAN but please dont trust him right away a man who is willing to have an affair has no qualms with doing so again in the future, it only complicates your life even more. Please sort your life and family out first.Your husband still loves you and your children still need you. You have a family now; whether you like it or not they are your whole world, consider what they feel and I know it's cliche'd but consider the children and act your age.

I didn't mean to be blunt or offensive if my word's reflected as such. It's just my view on the matter and I really hope you resolve this problem soon.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2017):

Most of us can sympathize to some degree with the position you are in. I think you need to look at the overall picture however and salvage your marriage. No, no matter what the others tell you on here this is not your fault, it takes two people to make a relationship work, and while your husband sounds like a good man with good intentions, there are obviously things that make it difficult for you to be attracted.

I have in the past been with a "clingy" type and it is not easy at all, so I completely understand that over time that becomes a huge turnoff, to have someone always pulling at your arm, literally dragging you down, and wanting sex ALL the time. Unfortunately, I think you kind of missed the opportunity to tell him GENTLY to give you some personal space, so now it will be even harder to address because he knows that you are at the point of breaking up with him. Go to couples counselling, and try to address this with him.

Him wanting sex every day is not only exhausting for you, but I have always believed that it totally kills the spark in the relationship. Try explaining to him that half the fun is WAITING for the sex, the anticipation, the slow lead up, and then fireworks. I have always believed that less sex but more lead-up makes for a passionate romance. You too need this and you need to express it. If he is too demanding you need to be demanding back and stand your ground on this. You can start to feel like a doll for his satisfaction rather than a real woman if they don't respect this. Every day is a lot be anyone's standard, so no wonder you start to dread his kiss and his touch when his demands are so regular.

You are heading down a dangerous path with what will become an affair. I can almost guarantee that you will severely regret the moments of passion when you feel the guilt of wronging your husband, and even worse, when you are forced to give up your children for half the time, have custody battles, and have every second Christmas/ holiday season alone without your children.

You chose this man for better or worse. He is not perfect, and neither are you, but it is unfair to everyone to breakup a marriage without truly good reason. Passion fades over time, but you committed, so you owe it to him to find a way to make this work. Do NOT tell him you are not "in love" with him. What will that serve but simply wounding him further? You need to think about what you want to accomplish before you say things. If you are absolutely sure that the only option is for you to leave, then you can say those things, but if there is a chance of working it out AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Think about what you can say to improve the situation. You probably need more personal space, less demands for sex (so the passion arises naturally), maybe an exciting vacation, maybe adventures in other areas of your life to spice things up. Maybe you could join a book club and make good female friends, and go out with them on girls nights or mini vacations. Your husband has to grant you more personal freedom and not patrol your social media all the time, but you on the other hand need to not sabotage his trust. Do NOT have this affair. Stay and work on your marriage.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

Oh... as for that other guy? Your homie? If you haven't had sex, you're now a prime-target for blackmail. He knows you have everything to lose; so he has turned-on all the charm. He will probably extort money from you. He's using every tactic he can to get you to cheat on your husband. That is, if you haven't already.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

I think you and this man have been intimate already. Now you've gotten yourself into a pickle. You've spent an awful lot of time with him, and you've done a tremendous amount of avoiding sex; or so you claim. Now you're asking what you should do?

Divorce your husband. If he behaves like he has lost his mind, he will also lose custody and visitation-rights to his children. If he behaves like someone mentally-unstable. You know that will never be the case. He would never hurt you or jeopardize losing his children. I think you're more concerned about losing your lovely home, citizenship, and the good-life.

I doubt he will really give you that much of an advantage in a custody-battle and divorce. He might be crazy in-love; but he's not stupid. You call him clingy, and whatever; but how is a husband supposed to behave with his wife?

I don't think you ever loved the man. You saw his earning-potential and ceased the opportunity to have a good-life and citizenship. Let's be brutally honest. It's pretty much the same old story. Sudden-marriage to foreigner; then you fall out of love once you're a legalized-citizen.

I don't believe you're worried about what he'd do; you're afraid he will challenge you for the custody of his children; and you'll lose the good-life you've gotten used to.

Go ahead and have the affair. He'll use adultery as a reason under irreconcilable differences; and challenge you in every legal way a good lawyer can find. So be careful for the sake of your children; and be absolutely sure you don't love your husband, and it's not just a matter of being "bored."

Unhappy is not a reason for a divorce. It is a state of mind. Nobody is "happy" everyday; and people don't cheat because their husband wants too much sex. You make little sense.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (10 September 2017):

Divorce. Why stay in a marriage with someone you clearly do not love despite your claims at the top. An affair isn't going to make things better and if he finds out it will make things considerably worse.

Go see a lawyer and discuss your options. You will be better off and so will your husband.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 September 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYour life is already fast approaching melt down mode .... your children's current secure future is at risk as are you.

Before introducing another person, and the problems he will bring, to the mix your marriage and family are worth at least a good stab at solving whatever has gone wrong.

I suggest you tur off your social media and block this guy who is trying his damnedest to get into your knickers. He is just a distraction from the real problems in your life, so remove him while you sort out the other stuff.

Arrange marriage counselling ASAP ... if you are not sure where to start go talk to your GP. If your husband wont participate go by yourself. Whatever the outcome it will be a thousand times better than what you have now. Either your husband will get on board and you will find ways to get your marriage and family back on track. The alternate outcome is you will develop some skills and strategies, either to make what you have currently more palatable or to help you form an exit plan to get you, and your children, out of where you are with as little disruption for them as possible.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2017):

I've done exactly what you are about to do.

And it ruined my life.

Ever since, I have been looking for a man who is as good as my husband. Who has his integrity. Honesty. Decency. Ability to love me for better or worse. A man dedicated to his children. And you know what? I can't find him. I can't find a man like that. You will forever be searching too once you lose your marriage. Your husband will leave you if he finds out you had sex with this pig. And I fear for you what he will do to you, and to the other man if he goes nuts. He has proven to be quite volatile already.

The affair will crumble once you realize that this other man wanted to use you for just sex. And you were a very easy target. He doesn't give a shit about you. All he wants is your pussy. And if it wasn't you playing right into his hands, it would be somebody else. This opportunistic player started chase slowly but upped his game once he saw you were taking the bait. Then he became relentless and aggressive. Oh please don't be so naive because you need him to take away the pain and boredom. I can assure you it is going to be so much worse once you see the reality of the situation. Right now you are not thinking straight. All you want is the fantasy.

Men like this are scum. They prey on vulnerable women just like you. They know you are looking for a knight in shining armour to rescue them but in fact they are just snakes disguised as everything you've ever dreamed of.

What kind of a man is this? He's a piece of shit. Waiting for another man to drop the ball, and husband's do drop the ball as it isn't easy being married - that's real life, hard shit! He's a scavenger! Waiting to swoop in! He's a weak, ego driven coward! He is still at his best. Mysterious, charming. Perfect. Or so he seems. And your husband is painted as the villain when he has stuck by you all these years. Thru good and bad. Just like he said he would. Been a good dad. And he loves you. That is why he tries so hard to hold onto you. He knows you are checking out of your marriage and he is trying desperately to hold onto you.

It seems you've decided to go forward with this piece of shit. He is going to have sex with you for as long as you let him. Or til he gets bored or finds a single women for kicks or a real relationship. You are not available. He gets an ego boost knowing he's banging someone else's wife. What an asshole!! Why would you even talk to a man like this? He is charming you, playing you like a violin and you are falling for it! Imagine the kind of destruction you are wreaking on your poor husband. You are feeding this guy's ego. And once he is done with you, you are going to be emotionally destroyed and have to go back to your miserable real life with a broken heart! Realizing what a horrible mistake you made!! Realizing your problems are still there but only now you have more! You will feel such disgust for yourself and your self worth will go into the toilet. Along with this fleeting fling. You're a mother, are you?? You need to be strong and sane for your kids.

If you are that unhappy, file for divorce. Period. He has no say. He cannot control you. Even with all his bullying and scare tactics. It is you who is afraid to leave. You who is confused. You who wants the best of both worlds without rocking the boat. Without changing your comfortable life. So typical of married cheaters. So don't blame your husband. You do have choices but you refuse to put on your big girl pants. You would rather keep one for the benefits and the other for the escape.

At the end of the day, the battle you are having is with yourself. You are unhappy with YOU. You aren't solving anything by having an affair. It won't make you happy and neither will this other guy. For the time being, he seems like a knight in shining armour compared to your controlling, villainous husband but you just wait and see. This guy's true colours will be revealed in time. We can already see them a mile away but you will come to your own realization, in your own time. When it's too late. When you've been discarded and go back to your husband. Likely seeking out more affairs to dull your misery, which will never go away, which all turn out the same way.

And I will say, I told you so.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 September 2017):

YouWish agony auntFirst of all, this guy isn't "Falling for" you. He is pursuing you for sex. His conversations, his videos, his meetings all have sex in mind. He's playing a longer game, but it's BECAUSE you're married that he's coming after you. And sleeping with him will multiply your problems 100 fold.

But the more pressing issue is you and your husband.

Your husband is immature in the ways of intimacy. You are pulling away from him, which is why he is GRASPING at you, smothering you, constantly demanding sexual reassurance, emotionally blackmailing you, and being hyper-jealous of your every move, friend, and interest.

In this case, the ironic thing is - the guy he had an argument over and got you to block him...HE WAS RIGHT about him! The guy *WAS* bad news! He is bad news, and your husband wasn't overreacting. You are using this other man's attentions and affections as a means of escape.

You've been married for several years and have kids together. Did you never mention marriage counseling before talking about separating?? If not, I think you need to. A marriage that doesn't have regular attention put into it and regular emotional connection can end up just like yours, falling out of love, staleness, boredom, and all of these things.

Also, you talking to this other guy is contributing to the alienating of affection between yourself and your husband, and your husband will lose. This other guy who speaks your home country language -- he's not speaking the language of respect! He's out to get a piece of your ass, not to be so blunt about it, and unlike your husband, who has seen you with bad breath, pre-makeup, pre-perfect clothing, taking care of kids at 2 in the morning, this guy has only seen you at your full-attention best, and I daresay that it's something your husband hasn't seen in a very long time, especially if you mention having sex with your husband with the same disdain as someone does using the toilet when they need to.

You owe it to your marriage to go to counseling and be honest with him. You've used the "I love, but I'm not in love" and then when he started the emotional blackmail, the surveillance, and the BS, you didn't DO something healthy about it. Separating would have been healthy while you went to counseling together, but HAVING AN AFFAIR is ridiculous. There IS NO justification for cheating, and being unhappy or out of love or your husband is jealous or smothery....none of those things are excuses. He is your husband and the father of your children, and there was a time when you were in love with him.

If you go to marriage counseling, and tell him exactly what you're telling us here at DC, get to the bottom of his immature grabbing and smothering and sexual-security-blanket behavior, the three of you can set boundaries and maybe get to know each other more. If there's nothing that can be done afterwards, then you do the very last resort of leaving. But divorce is a nuclear option. There is no going back, and an AFFAIR is a THERMONUCLEAR OPTION. There *IS* no going back, and there *IS* no justification, and you will destroy your children. The guy you're talking with doesn't care about your children. He'll sleep with their mother and leave her to pick up the shattered pieces when the orgasm ends.

You've played with fire long enough. Being unhappy and passive you've done long enough too. Get to marriage counseling. Tell your husband he's going too, or you're walking out the door and separating. No if's, and's, or but's.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (10 September 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, you need to divorce him, not cheat. Cheating never makes things better - only worse.

Find a lawyer who can help you. If couples' therapy isn't worth it for you and he's controlling, you need to leave.

If you have an affair, you are equally to blame for the relationship failing and making you both miserable.

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