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Are we dating or are we friends? Long distance friendship with my ex.

Tagged as: Long distance, Teenage, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 September 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2017)
A female Australia age 16-17, anonymous writes:

Dear cupid, my boyfriend and I have had a 'thing' or more like dated for just over a year. He has moved away from home to go to boarding school and we made the decision that we would stop dating once he left, we also had decided that we were going to stop talking. Anyways, two days after he left my friends and I went out, stupidly I got into a silly situation and i kissed someone. This caused an uproar, we argued for several days after the event and i completely acknowledge it was my mistake. He is coming back at Christmas and we decided that we were going to meet up once he's back. The only problem is, I feel as though I'm the toxic one, I am constantly upsetting him without meaning to. Last night he told me he had enough of me upsetting him and I completely understand but I want him to know I don't mean to, I just feel like if I push him away and make him hate me, I will have more clearance as to what we are, I need to know where we stand because it was just all very confusing. Now I just don't know what to do because i feel like me trying to live my life is upsetting him but he doesn't know how upset I am because I always feel like the one in the wrong. Should I move on or hold on till Christmas, Am i the toxic one?

View related questions: christmas, long distance, move on, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou really didn't need to tell him that you kissed someone else it was none off his business you both where broken up. I think if you want to keep in contact with him then fine, but you don't need to share all the details off what you are doing in life, just treat him as a friend. Also no you are not a toxic person.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (12 September 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Jeez why making things so complicated when they do not need to be ?!

You were broken up. As in ,no more together. Free agents, who owe nothing to each other, but being civil, out of common courtesy, if they chance into each other.

What's the point of an official break up, if then you are not free to go out and kiss whomever you want ?? With this , not that I want to encourage you to get yourself into "silly situations " and make out with everybody and his sister. My point is , maybe in hindsght you realized that kissing that guy wasn't the best possible decision- anyway it was a decision that you were perfectly entitled to make, with no uproar, no apologies and no dramas, because you did not have a boyfriend anymore.

It sounds like such a basic, simple concept to me. Where all the toxicity and arguments and "clearance" come from, and why you both are stirring the pot?

Say what you mean and mean what you say. You both agreed to break up and move on- then do just that once for all. No need to give each other updates about your romantic / sexual life !

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (11 September 2017):

I think that you could both be a little toxic.

He left the city, you both broke up, then YOU ARE FREE to do as you please. You should not give justifications of your actions to him anymore. You don't tell him anything. Don't talk to him. Move on with your life. He is acting like a jealous boyfriend, without being officially your boyfriend anymore.

My advice: MOVE ON.

Next time he starts giving you a bad rap for living your life tell him "Sorry, but I'm not your girlfriend anymore". BAAM! Problem fixed.

Best luck!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

No sweetheart, there is nothing toxic about you. You both made the decision to stop dating each other once he left, and I thought you mentioned you also stopped talking to each other? How did you get into an argument, if you weren't talking and ended your relationship?

You both are being silly kids. He just didn't want you to talk to other boys, and sit around waiting for him all year. He's angry because you didn't wait very long before you went out and kissed another boy. Then he just so happened to find-out about it?

You're not at fault. You're not ready for a steady boyfriend; and too young for a long-distance relationship. You have every right to see other boys, now that he is gone many months out of the year. You're supposed to sit and wait? You're only 16!!!

Let him go, and stop chatting all your business to your friends. Watch-out who you call friends, if word got back to him about the kiss. If he has friends spying on you, he upset himself by do that. He has to learn you're not his property to sit aside and dummy-up while he's gone.

You and he should be seeing other people now. Life has changed now that he is away.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think you would BOTH be better off if you moved on.

It sounds like he wants you to be in a holding position for when he visits and that is kind of selfish of him. He makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells in case you upset him by living life without him. Again? Not healthy nor smart for either of you.

And it sounds like YOU create a little bit of drama to get him to "commit" to a relationship. Which is really sabotage because when you keep pushing... at some point he will have had enough.

IF you want to know where you stand, TALK TO HIM. FI he isn't sure or doesn't want an LDR then DO yourself a solid and cut the contact and LIVE your life. You have put 16-17 as your age group and honestly, I think it's VERY young to commit (both of you) to something that may not last. An LDR is hard enough for mature adults so even harder for a couple of inexperienced young folks who are still finding WHY they are and where they are going.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 September 2017):

N91 agony auntYou're both wasting your time.

You wouldn't do this to someone you deeply cared about and what's the point in doing something long distance? Especially when you're so young. Find a more local BF that you're a better match with.

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