A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dating a man for 6 months, he decided to go back and try again with his ex wife. They are common law 2 teen boys. This is the 4th time they will try again. I was the "rebound" He said he would never go back. So I didn't feel like a home wrecker. I was head over heals for him (at the time) Now just disillusioned, angry and sad. Many emotions !! but getting on with life.Me, never married, (other relationships) in my late 40's, always take care of myself, my home, and my careers, I am well educated, and raised a son, alone who has one more year of university, top class student, excellent person.We met at work, but I hated the job, I had sold my home and relocated and took what I could find, my life was changing, but the job scene was not for me so I quit.In that time we dated for 3 more months, I was not working, taking the time to study and to look for something I wanted. I am a social drinker, artist, musician, which I live off either part time or full time while holding down other jobs, no not career jobs, just what I call a floater jobs. I make good money, don't need anyone to take care of me, never ask for anything, but am very generous. I have the same friends of many years and yes also I do keep in touch with ex's even from high school as they call me also. But I have never re-dated an ex. Even as I type this I see that I am trying to validate my life. Which is the problem I am having. This man had me on an emotional roller coaster between him and leaving on the weekends to go back to his home in another city. His ex lives in her own home. Also he drinks everyday, to which I eventually, lovingly just said, "I think you have a problem" and he did seek help for that and his depression (home sickness) which was all good and I appreciated him for.But he did not stop drinking, only cut down, which I thought (because I'm a social drinker = weekends 3 beers) seemed reasonable, or I was just blinding myself to it. Ok, blinding myself.But he is a comforting man, very loving, always listening, thoughtful, I was very happy. But then after 5 months of not going home with him, not meeting his family, which I said would be fun. I had my doubts and presented them. That apparently was not an option because of the EX getting more money because of me. I said how does dating me give her more money? It's ridiculous. That's when I drew back, hard..He would call and I would see him. Finally I had to put the whole RS on the line because my integrity was on the line. He said after all my searching for a solution, compromise, almost down to demeaning begging.... "you are too unstable" And of course I proved that to him by going off the deep end and shouting something, while I grab my keys, purse and left. It bothers me to this day, I'd like to know why?I'm one of the most independent people you'll ever meet..and here is this lover..? telling me I'm unstable? That's his excuse for not wanting to decided between me and his wife! actually I guess that alone may make me look unstable, but I had no idea he was so involved with her. So into month six, which really was about me trying to prove myself worth, (WHY) I said, "listen, you are going home, to her, and I have to leave" this is so wrong for me and for you. To which he said "this is your choice, I can't make it for you." (I think giving him a guilt free out or keeping his options open) I say "Yes, my choice, hard choice, but the right choice, I love you, best with life, .... " and I vanish into the night.Out of everything in this RS the most gut wrenching thing is still "you are unstable" oh why oh why is that still stabbing me?
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at work, ex-wife, his ex, I love you, money, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 October 2013):
 Isn't it nice when Karma does her thing?
I hope YOU are finding your happy place.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe best revenge, patience.3 months ago, I sent him an email, simple and light.He sent me one back. It seems that the brother that was living with him. The brother whom he wanted out because he was a slob. Well, his brother not only moved out, but in with this man's ex wife. Oh god, I was agape. Not only did he lose me, but he lost his brother to his ex wife. While he was pinning for her, she was sleeping with his brother. Life finds a way.LOL.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update on this situation
Well, the relationship slowly died because I was changing, for the better.
I texted him and simply said.
"I do not exist in your world come the weekends, I refuse this treatment, I am done"
That was it.
3 days go by and he writes:
"I understand why you feel this way, sorry, but we had good times. By the way you still have the keys to my place, take care of yourself"
So I've been dating many other men from online. And having some fun and learning more about my boundaries and values.
However, I've come up against a snag, which I will open a new post for.
Thanks for listening and answering appreciate your help and time.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 April 2012):
 nice positive follow up - thanks.
And as one door closes, another door opens.
Best wishes, Abella
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2012):
I don't think YOU are the unstable one, honey I think that was just the "best" excuse he could give for his own actions. He was trying to make himself look good and you, look and feel bad.
Be glad he is out of your life, he sounds like a douche bag.
Let it go, I seriously doubt a man like that have any capacity to "evaluate" your emotional state. And honestly, I think you have every right to feel disillusioned, angry and sad.
However, he isn't worth you feeling bad. You made a mistake (dating him). It happens.
Cheer up.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (7 April 2012):
 I am really sorry this happened. I think he was probably projecting, and also probably knew it would drive you further away. HE is the one who cheated, he is the one who has alcoholic tendencies, he is the one that is breaking two women's hearts with regard only for himself. I think next time if you aren't allowed to go to someone's house after 2months that should be a red flag, but your trusting him and your love for him and your wanting something real to work out did not make you unstable, it made you human. It's unfortunate that he took advantage of your trust but now you have to rebuild trust in yourself--that you're not crazy, that you're not unstable, that you have a pretty good life and you're going to continue to have a good one without this toxic person in your life. good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your lovely, positive responses. It's been difficult this "letting go" but yes in the long run, it'll be much better. I do go to the gym for body building, that's been great! Plus I have two contracts sitting here I'll get into. Plus I have an art show to prepare for. I've also decided to close this chapter and move back into the city. I'm also going to take rowing classes on the river in May. So even though my plate is full, there are those moments of animosity that prick my thoughts and other moments of confused compassion. Plus there is summer and all those outdoor concerts. I guess maybe God put those words on his tongue to make sure I'd leave. In disbelieve, but save myself none the less. I'll think of it that way. Time to take off those rose coloured glasses and put on the sunglasses. I'd love also to go to NewYork,City this summer. Yes, I'll do it. It'll be a blast!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 April 2012):
You sound articulate, responsible and intelligent. With not even a hint of unstable.
what a low life. Sorry, I know you thought it was good but this spineless guy who cannot make up his mind had the nerve to call you unstable? It is one insult too far.
He had his chance. How wonderful that he fouled up his best chance. I am glad he has gone back to his partner because he sure as hell is not good enough for you. Please move on. Your doubts about him were well founded.
Throw yourself into your art. Maybe if painting is your thing try to arrange an exhibition of your art at a gallery. Book a holiday if you can do that without compromising your older son's care.
Get to the gym and take your rage out on the treadmill or in the zumba class.
Maybe look at learning a more demanding skill in the art sphere like glass blowing. That can also later bring in money.
Start writing a book about your interesting life.
Don't look back. This pedestrain guy is certainly not worthy of you.
You have had a lucky escape. He is the loser. You are the winner out of this one, thankfully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): I think why its stabbing you is because youve been that hard working independent woman that has done her best to raise a son, and the last thing you wanna hear is someone trying to tell you that your unstable.
From what youve said I wouldnt say your unstable, unstable people are usually pictured as people that get hurt easily and can possibly do self harm.
When in an emotional moment like this, I think anyone would think me unstable? and be defensive about it. My advice is to not let that get to you, continue to be that independent person and move on. I know its not easy, but i wish you luck, hope this helps.
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