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Girlfriend doesn't make any real effort to lose weight despite wanting to

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2017) 15 Answers - (Newest, 21 April 2017)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been in relationship with my girlfriend for about 7 months now. I liked her for her personality and character but her weight had always bothered me right from the start.

She was actually slim just under 2 year back(she looked amazing) but gained about 15kg since then.

I am a very skinny individual, 1.8m and weigh only 53kg, while she's 1.64m and weighs roughly 64kg (rough estimate).

Since our relationship started 7 months ago, she has expressed how she hates her weight and really wants to lose weight, to how she looked like before.

However, after 7 months, there were never any results since then and I've not seen her make any real efforts about it while she claims to be trying very heavy about it. (Which I'm certain is untrue)

When we go out to eat, she always eats equal or more than me. Eats fastfood very occasionally. When I told her she needs to eat less than me or when I offer to eat some of her share, she gets upset. She also eats alot of snacks and desserts, saying she's hungry.

I'd say she's also a very lazy person in general. She does not like to do any chores at all or any exercise of any form. When I suggest things to help her lose weight, she loses it which made it difficult to ever communicate about resolving the problem.

This has affected our sex life greatly because I just don't find her attractive at all. It was hard to even stay erect at times.

I just don't get her? She expresses greatly on how she hates being fat and wants to lose weight but makes 0 efforts in doing so. Yet she refuses when I offer to "exercise with her" and gets extremely upset when I mention anything about her weight or when I offer solutions to her weight issue.

What should I do?

View related questions: lose weight, sex life

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (21 April 2017):

N91 agony auntYeah, I'm with the other posters about her weight not being an issue.

YOU are SERIOUSLY underweight. I'm 1.75m and weigh 82kg. Maybe you need to hit the gym, how do you know she doesn't think youre too skinny?

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A female reader, femmefemale  +, writes (21 April 2017):

She's not even fat, shes a healthy weight... :/.

You're underweight.

Maybe you're reflecting your own unhealthy ideas of body image onto her. She's not the problem here, you are.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntShe should not be eating less than you, you my friend are the one that is underweight, she is not fat she is in the healthy range, therefore it should be her giving you tips. If you don't find her attractive and would rather her be under weight and not healthy then you should end this relationship. You obviously don't love her.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (31 March 2017):

Definitely end it. You started seeing her at this weight and had it in your mind that you could get her to go back to the weight she was before. That's not kind or fair. Next time, never start a relationship with the intention of trying to change them. Either accept them as they are or move on.

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A male reader, VitaminZ United States +, writes (29 March 2017):

If you're not attracted to her end it. She's chubby, but within a healthy range. If she was actually overweight or obese, I do think you'd have a right or obligation to encourage her to change.

As other's have pointed out, you're probably underweight yourself and should see a doctor.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (29 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntShe's the right weight - *you* are underweight. You need to gain it, she doesn't need to lose it. Please break up with her before you encourage her to be unhealthily underweight.

See a doctor to figure out why you have a warped view of weight; it's toxic for you to be so underweight and expecting others to be underweight too, thinking that they're too heavy when they're a healthy average.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (29 March 2017):

chigirl agony auntEnd the relationship. You love her potential, not her. In these cases, the relationship will never be a sucsess.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (29 March 2017):

mystiquek agony auntMost people especially women do not like to have someone commenting on their weight/health. I don't care how caring the advice might sound, the woman will probably not take it well. Your girlfriend is well aware of her weight/health and I agree with another one of the aunts, she's actually looking to be reassured, not to be critiqued. If you can't accept her as she looks, that's certainly your right and no one can blame you if you don't find her attractive if that is what is important to you. We all have our deal breakers, and we all have our preferences.

She probably isn't going to change for you. So you can either accept things as they are (and it doesn't seem like you will be happy doing this) or move on and find someone that you find more pleasing and more attractive in your eyes.

And as others have stated, your lady doesn't sound heavy but you sound thin so perhaps your ideas of heavy are quite different from what others would perceive.

Bottom line..if you can't accept her, let her go. Why make both of you unhappy? There's too many people out there for each of you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017):

She is NOT overweight . I checked the healthy weight guidelines !

Why are you demanding a woman be underweight Simply because you are?

Wise owl is right that women don't like this ! But not because your mentioning weight but because it's essentially ABUSIVE to demand your gf develop an eating disorder and become underweight simply because you have a problem with being scrawny

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom +, writes (28 March 2017):

Yeah - I didn't really look at the numbers when I posted. I'M 52kg (or thereabouts - I haven't weighed myself in years) and I'm 152cms tall and I'm considered SLIM! Even at 5kg heavier I didn't think or feel I was fat at all. And people still commented that I was slim!

At the figures you give, your girlfriend's BMI is 23.8 which is within ideal weight range. So either you have a very unhealthy view of weight and body shape or perhaps (like me) you are just not very good at maths.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (28 March 2017):

You picked a sore subject. Women don't like it. Even if health is really more important than appearance. So naturally they will insult you in her defense.

It's harsh to say. If appearance is that important to you, don't pressure her. Find yourself someone to date who has the right measurements; and has a more active and healthy lifestyle.

I also think you should bulk-up a bit. That would be healthier for you. That was not said as an insult, it was given as advice.

Don't tell anyone you love them, unless you love them for who they are. That love should remain as they age, and through body changes.

If they don't care about their health, and complain about their weight and appearance without doing anything about it. You don't stress or pressure them; or assault her self-esteem. You end the relationship and find someone who is a better match for you. So such a subject never has to come-up. Even while that has been said, defending bad eating habits and disdain for exercise does no one any good. Ask any doctor!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (28 March 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt OP, this is going to sound bitchy maybe, but I'll say it anyway and with your interest at heart :

before tryng to fix your gf's weight , or anybody's weight , you should set about to fix your own.

53 kg. for 1.80 M. is... crazy. It's about 20 kg. less than your ideal weight should be, and even if you aim for that intriguing ( but unhealthy ) runway model look, or 70s rockstar look.... you are STILL 10/ 12 kgs. underweight.

I wonder if by any chance you have an eating disorder, which would influence also your perception of what a normal body looks like and what is attractive or not. Or perhaps is it a case of malabsorption ? A thyroid problem ? Not a bad idea anyway if you see a nutritionist ( by which I mean a doctor specialized in nutrition and weight issues, not some self styled diet guru ) and see if you can fill up a bit, BEFORE dealing with your gf's weight woes.

This because : 1 ) she is STILL at a healthy, normal weight. Then is a matter of personal preferences, you, ( and she too ) , may prefer thinner figures- but ,technically there's nothing wrong with her and nothing that warrants an immediate intervention on her weight.

2 )you are not very credible as fitness / fashion guru and role model , giving her heavy handed hints on how to reach an ideal shape- when you are so much farer from this ideal than her .

In short, she does not really have a weight "issue", looking at the numbers- you do.

Said that, people like what they like in unaccountable ways, and there's often no amount of " you should " which will make them change their tastes. If your thing is skinny chicks and some meat on bones the is a turn off for you , to the point of interfering with your sex life - so be it. I won't presume to call you " shallow " or anything . But I think you'd better stop harassing your current gf about her weight , that, for whatever reason, she is not ready / motivated to shed and take up with some girl you can like and desire exactly as she is, without any need for an extensive restyling .

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom +, writes (28 March 2017):

I get the feeling that I've read this post before.....

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-care-my-girl-is-letting-herself-go.html

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-this-work-with-her.html

Perhaps some of the advice in these posts will be of use to you

I answered one of these posts myself saying that the over-weight girlfriend was not really looking for "solutions" when she complained about her weight, but for reassurance that her boyfriend loved her the way she was and that her weight was not an issue for him. I expect your girlfriend is the same - she doesn't want to be encouraged to diet or exercise. She wants to be loved

I also expect your girlfriend is very insecure and has a very low self-esteem and not just because of her weight. She has gained weight because of her insecurities rather than the other way round. When she does embark on anything that is out of her comfort zone she expects to fail and the same will apply to weight loss. Why put yourself through a gruelling experience only to fail and have all your fears and insecurities confirmed to you through your failure?

Unfortunately, there's little you can do to bestow someone with self-confidence and positive self-beliefs (except perhaps give them unconditional love). There is not special technique or mantra or magic wand that will allow you to go - ZING! - I have now given my girlfriend all the confidence and willpower to loose weight. That has to come from within her and she simply isn't ready.

And, I might add, that in this current relationship you are adding to her insecurities because her weight IS an issue for you. You might not have directly told her this but she will be able to sense it. You are failing to keep an erection with her (as well offering her weight loss advice)

I think your relationship has come to the end of the road if you can't accept her at the weight she is. At least stop giving her "encouragement" to loose weight - that's not what she wants.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017):

You should watch this movie called Shallow Hal. Maybe you could learn something.

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A female reader, This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal United States +, writes (28 March 2017):

This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal agony auntYour BMI shows you as underweight (interesting you used metric when most Americans would use inches and pounds) and her as in the normal weight. Her BMI before shows her as underweight.

Do you have an eating disorder? The only persons health you can control is your own.

You should focus on your own health and she can focus on hers.

If you can't get it going for her as she is right now then you're with the wrong woman. Say bye bye to her.

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