A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Basically I've been with my now fiance for seven months. Since the beginning of our relationship somebody has always had a problem with us being together, whether it be her family or one or more of her ex boyfriends interfering (one of whom she already has two children with). Recently we tried for a baby of our own (and succeeded in conceiving) and my fiance at this point gave her family an ultimatum to either accept our relationship and allow us to be happy together, or she will cut them off for good and they will never see her and her children again, and any future children. They backed off and her ex's also backed off around the same time too, and we have had a peaceful and pleasant couple of months. Unfortunately we suffered a miscarriage with our pregnancy two weeks ago (no doubt due to stress) and now the unpleasantness has begun again. Certain members of her family are slagging me off again and even spreading rumours about me this time, and others keep in close touch with her ex's on Facebook and informing them of anything and everything they get to know about our relationship. Now as a result one of her ex's has asked my fiance's family for her phone number so he can keep in contact with her. She's changed her number so many times because someone keeps passing it on to the ex's, and she's told this particular ex she no longer wishes to have any contact with him as her life has moved on since they broke up. What makes it worse is her mother tells my fiance every time one of her ex's has been in contact, and tells my fiance to keep it secret from me. Her mother in the past has even tried to push my fiance back together with her ex's. Needless to say she has made it clear countless times to her mother and her ex's that she's not interested in a relationship with them now, and she tells me everything her mother tells her because we have agreed to keep no secrets from each other in our relationship. I was close to her family in the past, I was good friends with two of her cousins and knew various members of her family, including her mother. I've done absolutely nothing wrong to them at any time to deserve this kind of treatment, and they obviously think so little of my fiance to try and ruin her happiness like they do. I'm honestly at the point that I don't feel as though I belong in her life anymore and am also doubting whether or not I'm even the right guy for her. At the risk of sounding selfish and inconsiderate, I don't know how much more I can take of this and am actually considering moving out and back in with my mother. My fiance isn't making as much a big deal out of it as I am, but I guess everyone deals with pressure and stress differently. I need some advice on what we can do to get past this and be happy the way we know we can be. Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015): "It's not sin of the ages to get engaged and plan a baby with the person you love."
No it's not, but it's incredibly poor judgment to get engaged and plan a baby with a mentally unstable 22-year-old who has unresolved issues with father of the children she already has and with whom you've had a volatile short-term relationship that was broken up as recently as December, if not since (assuming previous post Aunty BimBim referenced is yours).
I suspect you are experiencing White Knight syndrome where you believe you can rescue her and her children, and I can only assume that trying for a baby was your idea so you could stake your claim and establish the same territorial rights as her children's father. I'm sorry, but it's absolutely unfathomable that you would even consider bringing an innocent child into such an unstable environment, not to mention very unfair to the two kids she already has.
Even if her family are the gossip-mongering, trouble-making, back-stabbers you say they are, they are her family and their concerns are justified as they've probably had to pick up the pieces from her previous failed relationships, and they probably also represent the only stability your girlfriend's children have known.
And the absolute last thing those poor kids needed was some stranger (to them) coming into their lives and pretending to be their father. Your sudden appearance in their mother's life, home and bed is only adding to their turmoil and confusion.
As for your requested advice, there's nothing you can do to "get past this and be happy the way [you] know [you] can be." Your girlfriend simply has too many unresolved issues she needs to work through, and if you truly loved her then you'd realize the best thing you could do for her would be to back off and give her the time she needs to get some semblance of order into her and her children's lives instead of rushing her into making even more poor decisions with potentially disastrous long-term effects. I'm sure you have the best of intentions but you're behaving like you're sixteen instead of thirty.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 April 2015):
 I believe this is your question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-said-she-will-always-chose-her-kids.html
I believe your moving in with your girlfriend and her children is not beneficial to any of them.
I don't believe you took onboard any of the responses you received when you last visited this site.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Would be nice once in a while if people on this site actually gave useful feedback or at least constructive criticism, and people not just judging and criticising others in a negative light, perhaps just because a person's made a mistake or a decision.Much of what has been said in response is totally beside the point of my post. Yes maybe it was too soon to get engaged and try for a child just seven months into our relationship, but I'm pretty sure stranger things have happened in people's lives.It's not sin of the ages to get engaged and plan a baby with the person you love. We are not strangers to each other as someone tried to imply in their comment, we have actually known each other for nearly a decade and we was close in the past and have become close again. As for her mother, she's no saint as another person seems to think on here, she's actually a very heartless and selfish individual who pushes others into living their lives to make her happy. She's a bully and also a back stabber. I could mention much more that would probably knock you sick, just to make it clear how wrong her mother really is, but I won't bother as it's besides the scope of the original topic. The ex who was asking for her number is not the ex who she has children to, this ex is an annoying pest who simply can't let go and accept that she no longer wants any contact with him. It's pointless to say any more on this subject since it seems everybody who has responded so far has adopted the "holier than thou" attitude!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 April 2015):
 I agree fully with Auntie Bim here..
7 months and you are already living together and trying for a baby? WAY too soon. She already has 2 kids, so SLOW down.
As for the ex (like Auntie Bim says IF HE is the FATHER of the children he ACTUALLY HAS a right to have her phone number, unless the COURTS (not you) has deemed that he has NO parental rights.
YOU are 30-35? And you are considering moving back in with your mom? Don't you have a job? Can't you have your own place ? And only 7 months into it, you are ready to TOSS in the towel because things are going as YOU want it too?
I mean I'm sorry, but I would NOT be jumping with joy if any of my daughters were dating a man in his 30's, got engaged, moved in and tried for a baby THAT fast. SPECIALLY not since she ALREADY has two other children. No wonder her family isn't so keen on you no more.
Maybe YOU moving out and the TWO of you slowing down a bit. WHAT is the hurry anyways? SHOW her family that you BOTH are responsible adults. As for what this family does with the ex? NONE of your business if her mom keeps in contact with him. HER choice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): If I discovered my adult daughter with a history of failed relationships and two out-of-wedlock children was shacking up and had already conceived a child with yet another new boyfriend then I'd be very concerned, especially for my grandchildren.
Those poor kids have endured enough turmoil in their lives. For their mother to bring yet another random stranger into their lives and then almost immediately try to pop out a half-sibling is the height of selfishness and irresponsibility. No child should be born into a tenuous, unstable coupling fraught with drama.
I applaud her mother for understanding that it is best for the kids to maintain a cordial relationship with their father in the interest of him remaining an active, involved presence in their lives. The last thing grandma wants or needs is having to deal with two warring baby daddies.
Your "threat" to move back in with your mother is actually a sound idea. Both you and your girlfriend need to stop playing house and go back to your mothers because neither of you are stable or mature enough to be playing house, let alone breeding.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (19 April 2015):
I believe you may have written to us a few months ago, is my memory correct?
If the ex who is trying to maintain contact with her is the father of her children, and unless there is a court order stating otherwise, he has a right to know where his children are and how to contact their mother. End of story.
Seven months of relationship and you are already moved in and trying for babies .... too soon, too soon, too soon. I can understand her family having some concerns because, it is just simply too soon.
If you are the person who wrote to us a few months ago, your fiance has a number of issues that need to be dealt with before she even considers having any more children, these include resolving her health issues and following doctor's advise, resolving issues with her ex partner and father of her children, and putting access and maintenance plans in place.
I believe that once she demonstrates to her family, including her mother and siblings, that she is dealing with the above issues in a mature and logical manner they will acknowledge she is on the right track and their concern for her and her decision making will ease to a degree.
You moving in and trying for a family would be a big red flag for any family concerned for their daughter and grandchildren's well being.
The best thing you can do for this young woman and her children would be to move back in with your mother while she sorts out and tries to get her life back on track.
You are not helping the process but hindering it.
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