A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Does lack of trust in a relationship manifest itself over time in a person? I am wondering if it takes a toll on somebody physically and emotionally, ie. emotional overload, tiredness, depression, withdrawal, tension and aches in the back and neck... etc?I find it gets harder everyday when you don't trust. I am feeling a need to get away from my boyfriend now because of all the torment. The constant insecurity, the constant worries, the paranoia, the obsessive thinking, all of it. I don't think I can handle it even though I love him.Do I need to end it?I have talked to him about it and he is always reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about.BUT WHY IS THIS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME AND I STILL CONTINUE TO WORRY?He has cheated on another girlfriend. I worry he is going to do it to me.I don't know what to do. :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Hello, it's OP.My last BF cheated on me and I am pretty sure my symptoms of mistrust, paranoia and insecurity are compounded by my ex-boyfriend's behaviour. I just do not want to go through that kind of PAIN ever again. So of course I would be on the offensive.Since that time I am of the mentality that all men are pigs.It is so hard to shake this way of thinking.MY BF has never done anything concrete to prove he is cheating or about to. Nothing at all. All my accusations come from my own mind and assumptions. This is why I have been hesitant to leave. And have considered the possibility that I have some work to do in order to improve our relationship. He works in a predominantly female environment which is the worst place the BF of a woman with trust issues could ever work! Lol So this fact alone makes me paranoid.He is well aware of my past boyfriend's cheating. He keeps his phone close by all the time and always shows me whoever texts him or emails him. He tells me ahead of time what he is doing or where he is going. He is very open with me in order to calm my insecurities. So he is trying on his end. And he has put up with my accusations for a long time and is still with me. I think it is because he really cares about me and he is willing to do his part so that I feel safe with him.He told me he cheated on his last GF because she was no longer interested in sex and withheld it from him. And there were other issues too that were not addressed.It is possible I may need professional help to address and calm my own fears.I have let go and trust but then fall right back into mistrust. It is like I have a problem letting my guard down. I feel that if I do, I could be betrayed. But ironically if you don't trust enough, you will still live in torment. Once a cheater, always a cheater is such a cliché. I don't think all cheaters cheat again. Certainly there are serial cheaters out there. But there are different reasons for cheating and different circumstances. I don't believe all cheaters fall under the same umbrella or that you can predict each one's behaviour. I believe that some cheaters may reoffend and some may never reoffend. It is just how much you are willing to TRUST them, if you can.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Stress is definitely implicated in deteriorating health. http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stress.aspx has this to say about it: Chronic stress
"When stress starts interfering with your ability to live a normal life for an extended period, it becomes even more dangerous. The longer the stress lasts, the worse it is for both your mind and body. You might feel fatigued, unable to concentrate or irritable for no good reason, for example. But chronic stress causes wear and tear on your body, too.
Stress can make existing problems worse. In one study, for example, about half the participants saw improvements in chronic headaches after learning how to stop the stress-producing habit of “catastrophizing,” or constantly thinking negative thoughts about their pain. Chronic stress may also cause disease, either because of changes in your body or the overeating, smoking and other bad habits people use to cope with stress. Job strain — high demands coupled with low decision-making latitude — is associated with increased risk of coronary disease, for example. Other forms of chronic stress, such as depression and low levels of social support, have also been implicated in increased cardiovascular risk. And once you're sick, stress can also make it harder to recover. One analysis of past studies, for instance, suggests that cardiac patients with so-called “Type D” personalities — characterized by chronic distress — face higher risks of bad outcomes."
Why are his assurances not enough for you and you continue to worry? Because you are involved with a married man who cheated on his last mistress.....
No amount of mind blowing sex will get past that basic fact that he will get up, zip up his trousers and go home to his wife.
You've subjected yourself to this for 2 years now. Isn't that enough time to realize that this situation will only get worse for you, as your levels of anxiety and mistrust rise and rise....
You've asked about this relationship for 2 years now. What are you hoping will happen? That someone will tell you everything is going to be fine? Some magic answer that will ease the unease that is causing havoc with your physical and emotional health? What do you need to hear that you haven't already heard?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Does lack of trust in a relationship manifest itself over time in a person?
Yes, yes, yes it does! There are physical and emotional manifestations and after a point of time it takes a toll on you and affects your emotional, physical and mental well being.
You haven't written much about your situation but its obvious that you are extremely disturbed by whatever is going on with your life. Is it really worth all this headache? If you dont trust him, then its safe to say you never will. Been there, done that. There will be days when you feel marginally better but overall, there wont be any radical change in how you feel. There will finally come a point on time when it will be more difficult to stay within the relationship and getting out will seem like the much easier option.
Dont wait for that day to come, you'll just be testing your patience. Its always better to end it sooner than later if you've decided that you cant stay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Once a cheater, always a cheater. He will cheat again. Get out of the relationship before he breaks your heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Hi.. look, I'm not condoning cheating at all, but my current boyfriend cheated on me a year and a half ago. We were going through mountains of sh*T at the time and I feel that his cheating was both our faults and my therapist agreed. So I decided to forgive him. But I'm naturally a highly suspicious person and I suffer from anxiety. It took a while but you know what? All my worrying did nothing to stop it from happening in the first place... my paranoia, distrust and accusing was pushing him away and into this strange girls arms. BUT i surprised myself by forgiving him. And you know what else? My world didn't end. So I can live with him or live without him. But I choose to be with him. And we are so happy together now.I think this is something you need a bit of help with like from a therapist. It's good to talk!
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A
male
reader, Karlos83  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 You're bound to feel cautious since he's cheated before, what's to stop him doing it again. Also, (and this is just a what if) if you have been cheated on in the past too, you're bound to be protective of your feelings and want to avoid going through it again. Any worry, if it becomes serious enough can make you physically and mentally ill, and you want to avoid that if possible. Some will say everyone deserves a chance, but it ultimately comes down to whether or not you're willing to give that chance and take the risk really, and it sounds like you're not. So I guess you know the only other option, which seems to be the best one for you anyway given how much this has affected you so far.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): "Does lack of trust in a relationship manifest itself over time in a person?"Yes."but why is this not good enough for me and i still continue to worry?"Because you have legitimate reason to suspect his reassurances are meaningless. He's probably giving you the same line of BS he's gave the previous girlfriend(s) on whom he cheated."I don't know what to do. :("I would politely suggest you raise your standards and start dating men of character and integrity.
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