A
male
age
41-50,
*r.mike
writes:Well thanks for take the time to read this,, Ok, so I've been with this girl for over 2 years now, and I feel like I'm being held back,,, like I have to watch all opportunities pass by, I work Monday - Friday and occasional put in 2-3 hours of overtime, only when it snows, and not even all snow days, I get the option to stay for double time but I don't take it hardly because my GF would rather have me come home on time, every day, Now I'll give a little detail on my GF as to not make this unfair for her,She is disabled and has a very hard time going out on her own without a walker or wheelchair, in fact she's 29 and just got her first walker 3 weeks ago, she can walk but both ankles just don't work well and she could very easily fall,, she was diagnosed with CP at very early age, it's a mild case, but non the less she still has it, along with ulcers, irritable Bowels, and an iron deficiency, She's had two miscarriages with me, and 3 with others previous to me. Well it's come to a point in our relationship were it just doesn't feel the same,, it feels like I am wasting my time, we don't do anything because she feels embarrassed to be out in public because of the way people judge or look at herShe doesn't like what I like, so she makes me feel like that stuff doesn't matter and what matters is her and her alone, she has no hobbies, shows no interest in wanting to do anything, and always asks me “what now" "what do you want to do," but when I come up with things, she hums and ha's about in, complains she's not feeling well, or just has some lame excuse as to why she can't do it.Then only indicates to me she wants sex, We have board games, which I'm bored of. I'm genuinely bored. I can’t go see my old friends, who I have lost contact with anyway, because she is against booze, and all my friends are good for nothing boozers. When we met 2 years ago for the first 6 months we were together side by side, I'd go to work, then she'd cab it to my car wait 1 hour for me to be off, then we would drive around for hours with no direction,, then I'd drop her off at her Mom’s home.I'd go drive in the car to sleep (living in my car for 9 months for her was crazy) (it’s a long chapter).I then went on for 6 months until she went to California to do a few photo shoots ( her mom got her into acting and commercials while she was little, and she wanted to try and do work in California) but when she left for LA, that was the first time in 6 months that we had not been together, but I hung out around her Mom's house and did yard work, and cleaned he house for her Mom.In exchange I was allowed to sleep on the couch, for 3 weeks. Then I went to LA to see what she did and get a tour, that was for a week then we came home.Three more months of driving around and sleeping on the couch. I got my own place, well I moved my stuff out of storage and moved in. November 2011 so now, it's been almost 1 year and a few months she has been here ever since. Legally she's not allowed to live with me because her disability check states.She needs to be living at her Mom's house which is close by. I want her to tell her people that she will move in with me but financially that would mess up things, so she stays here, with me. I don't mind, but whenever I want to do something she complains I'm not spending time with her. whenever I'm doing something she interrupts me, for eg, if I got a txt, she will try and start talking to me, so I lose my train of thought.I'll be involved In a movie, and at the good part she’ll try and get all cuddly and kissy, it gets frustrating, when I sit down after work she puts her hand on my chest with her elbow on my groin and starts to rub, always to my groin and chest. I've tried to tell her that these bug me, and she gets all annoyed with me and tells me I never want to do anything. I've mentioned that maybe we should spend a little time apart and she gets all annoyed with me again and tells me if she leaves I'll never see her, or no one will know where she's going, that sort of stuff. I feel like she's manipulating me. I neglect the things I like, especially the things she just can't physically do, like hiking, mountain biking, skiing, working on my truck, when I want to do these, I get" you’re not spending time with me" But I never go out to hang out with buddies nor my familyIt's always sit at home save money to go on an expensive trip, be broke, ( she does help with food and saving for the trips, I take care of rent, bills, gas smokes, going out,.It's ok to spend my 2600$ a month with nothing left a few days before my next pay, she makes 1600 a month, yet we’re always broke and have nothing to show, no goals, like she shows no interest in wanting to buy a house or get out of debt,, just save for our trip, and struggle between pay checks,, I want to scream,,, I'm 35 years old and I've gone through some changes in the past 4 years and now I feel like I'm going to explode,, I want a house, I'm tired of being told what I can and cannot do,, I'm not a bad person, I'm not out to hurt anyone,, I just want to enjoy whatever happens,, I want out of debt, I want a new car, I want a family, I want kids, am I too late for all that? Would I be better off being single? I don't know what I'm doing anymore,, I can't tell her how I feel because she tells me how I should feel, what I'm supposed to do,, am I supposed to forget everyone I know and give her all my attention? I'm so lost and confused. Am I wrong in thinking she needs to find friends and hobbies of her own ,,, as some would say, does she need to find a life? Or am I the one who needs to get a life?
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 I think you both have some serious issues that are going to take more than counselling to sort out. You need to get your life back in order, what you have described here is no life at all. Work out what you want then set yourself small achievable targets/steps to get to where you need to be.
A
male
reader, Mr.mike +, writes (25 April 2013):
Mr.mike is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese are all very good replies, I thank you for your time,, it's hard for me to find time to reply back as I have to do it late at night, It's another hard day, I tell why I was living in my car,,, when I met my gf was through a roommate, (who I had known for 5 years prior) After we had met, she added me to Facebook and we got to talking and I was heading out to my brothers for his birthday party, I ended up focused on my gf the whole night, we had been drinking so we crashed, the next day we just drove around talking and looking at our city,, it got late and I took her home.The next weekend I was to house sit for my parents when they when on holidays.I had my gf stay with me for the two weeks, but during this two weeks,, my roommate found out his friend was hanging out with me and flipped out, and got all upset and really didnt want me around.I had also given my notice to move a month prior to all this tooI was going to be moving into my brothers place and rent out the basement and share the kitchen and stuff,, so I avoided the roommate and moved.So now by this time we had found out "I messed up" and got her pregnant.I know, I should have used a condom, but still that new in the relationship I "felt" ready to be a dad, I know rasing a child is expensive, heck..I'm 35 and I've hassled my parents for a lot.Being a parent is a life long commitment, but it's that feeling of teaching someone everything I know, the unconditional love they give.But we talked and talked about it and decided we would go ahead and raise a family.Not the steps I wanted to start of on but I couldn't take it back,, as the days went on my gf started feeling sicker and sicker,, taking out all her anger on me. So we thought maybe physically she couldn't do this and that was my biggest concern, we decided that we would go and have an abortion, (I'm sorry if this offends anyone) but it turned out to be a saviour going because she had a miscarriage and the embryo Was decomposing inside and making her sick, When they went to remove it she went into shock,,, after all this,, we went back to my place.My brother told me because he didn't like my gfs attitude he didn't want her in the house,, and my brother and I got into a big fight,, and he told me to get out too, just days after I payed the rent, I asked my mom and dad if I could stay there and get back on my feet and they said no.I left out a part and I'm sorry,, I meant to add in before my gf started getting sick, we had already planed a one week trip for us to go see California, which I had already payed 2000$ towardsWith my parents say no, and no money because I paid my brother.I felt like everyone turned their back on me, so I decided I would live in my car until I could save up and get a place,, a place of my very own,, well that turned out more difficult then I was anticipating because I didn't want to lose my vacation I was going on,, I was looking for places,, but wasn't getting any replys back,, untell I found out my aunt screwed me out of 700$ that was sent to my collections and had to pay that of first,, but I didn't find this out until after my vacation,,, After my brother kicked me out I'd just wake up, go to work, go pick up my gf after work hang out with her in my car, watching movies on the laptop, getting hassled by the cops, the end the night at 12am and go find a secluded corner to sleep for 5 1/2 hrs and do it all over again,,, I thought about moving back I with my friends but my gf didn't like that idea because my friends do like to drink, I'm not much of a drinker I just like having fun and make sure my drunk fiends got home ok,, but I wasn't allowed to let my friends know I was seeing my gf because she didn't what my old roommate to find out we were dating,( I let that go like that for 7 months until I had enough of that game) when she did tell him he shut us out fast, By this time, my mom and dad were getting annoyed I was staying in my car, and told me they didn't really like my gf, well I let that slip to my gf and she wrote a nasty letter to my family on Facebook for everyone to see,, my brother almost lost his daughter over it too,,, I had no idea it was sent until after, So yes, my family and my gf don't see eye to eye, I feel like the only friends I have are either my co workers I only see at work or her friends who live in another country or on the other side of my country, (at least a 3-4 days drive) Anyways back to me in my car,, after I came back from my vacation I was still in the car for another month befor I found out that my aunt skipped out on her last months rent sending half to my collections, so with that being on my file no one would rent to me,, so I took my security deposit I saved up, and payed it off,, by this time now, I was aloud to sleep on the couch at my gfs parents place,, and in return I helped with the house and yard work,, untell finally I found a place and got to move in,, and my gf has been here ever sence,, November 2013 will be oficaly 2 years in this apartment, jan 2014 will be 3 years with my gf, I've seen my own counceler I've been on anti depressants for 1 1/2 years of this time, I've been of of them for 4 months now, and I've seriously thought about going back on them, but then I would just bottle more up,, Sence jan2013 we've been planing another vacation and it's comming up close I'm excited for it, but it's hard to keep struggling, our couch is so uncomfortable it hurts our backs to sit in it, so we've now set up a computer in the bedroom to lay on the bed as its more comfortable,, She gives me grief that we don't do anything all she does is sit in this apartment for days with nothing to do, I'm stumped because she doesn't want to do anything other the just drive around,, I drive a v8 Chevy 4x4 truck now it's not the most fuel efficient vheciel but I like it and grew up with it, bought it off my dad, I do ask her anytime I go run an arrand, if she'd like to come for the drive, 3/4 the time she says no I'd be faster with out her,, We got a 2 for 1 movie pass that expires in 5 days,, she hinted to me that we should go, I said yea sure lets go, and everytime I bring it up,, she says we can't afford it,, I've tryed having little talks with her about how I feel and some little things change for a little bit but it slips right back,, all she indicates to me is traveling, she wants to get married, but really doesn't show it,, I'll tell her I want a wife and kids but I want my own house,, and I want it befor I have kids, I want to be ready for them,, I could get married befor I have a house but I would rather wait to have kids, I've indicated that I'd like to hang out with a friend or something and she get all moody and says" find forget about me and have your life with your friends,, have your life with your family" I've felt that maybe we spend to much time together,, " in all this time we've know each other I swear on my grave we have had 3 weeks apart for a radio gig she had in LA when we went on our first trip,, Her mom has asked for several mother daughter days but she just comes up with an excuse as to why she can't go anymore, and stays home, if I say I wanna go do something,, for example go tune up my truck, give is some service, she complains I'm not spending time with her,, Or she'll say some rude comment like fine if you want time apart,, no one will see me again,,,, I've suggested going to a hobbie shop to see if there would be anything she might like to try,, she looks at me and says " like what" I'd say " isn't there anything you've wanted to try as a kid? Anything in the world you want to try or do? And again "like what?" Or I think her fav is "now what" I come home from work sit down with her and she says check out this movie I think you'll like it,, then talk thru it, and and give me crap for not paying attention to her,, and honestly, I have a hard time with it because I have been diagnosed with ADHD, I'm not using it as an excuse, but she puts on a good movie and expects me to have a convosation, when the movies over, it's now what? I don't help much because I'm stumped as to what to do next, well I've got a ton of things I'd like to do and get done,, but she want US to do something as a couple,, Don't get me wrong,, she needs a little help to do some things, but she has a walker now to help her go anywhere, yet she tells me she has no where to go, nothing to do, her back hurts, she's sick, excusese,,, that's all I here, I have a compressed disk in my lower back, and yes it hurts to have sex, I've told her that several times and all she says is " your making up excuses as to why you don't want to have sex,, I say " no, I'm telling you why I don't feel in the mood, my back hurts so much it feels like my hips pelvic region feel brused and I want to cry,, and she gets upset, I'll be siting besides her, and her way of cuddling up to me is getting closer to me and living up my shirt and puting her hands on my abs,,,, ( ok this is ok) but then right away, hand down my pants,, I can't sit there for 20 mins with out her hands going down the front of my jeans, but that's it,, if I was wearing only a pair of boxer shorts,,, that's the only area she touches on me, I've told her shes starting to do that to much and I'm starting to feel uncomfortabl with it, and she pulls away fast and gives me the silent treatment and tells me to go be with some other woman who "I'd" want to be with,, We have went to counceling once as a couple, but we decided to stop going on the fact that we couldn't tell the counceler about or living arrangements, we couldn't be completely honest so I thought maybe we shouldnt waste the councelers time, probably a mistake, but I justDon't know,, Idk, I'm a pretty nice guy, for the most part my gf is a pretty good gal, just a bit confusing and really hard to understand what's happening, I'd like to stay with her for ever but realistically If things don't change somehow I'm going to get upset and say things I don't want to say, Do you really think I'm only in this relationship because of pitty? Possably? I don't know, I try to incourage her to do try and go out, and do new things, I try to involve her in my things, or I've even said if she couldn't do something I would modify something so she could, I'm handy that way,, I like bike riding,, I'd get her a cool 3 wheel bike, I'd even get one to match,, anything, just find something so she's not always focused on my or what I'm doing and why I'm not doing it with her,,, And one last thing that's between us, she has been also acussing me of sleeping with someone else,, First of all I have morals, and I wouldn't do that to anyone,, I've had it dont to me it sucks, never will I put anyone thru that BS of emotions, She's told her friends and theve told her I was "playin" her,, no way I wounld not do that,,, two weeks ago I met a woman who had to shadow me at work for a documentary they were working on, she was traveling across North America gathering information,, She shadowed me for two hours asking all work questions,,, it was all strictly professional, after a few days had gone by,, another co worker mentioned her name and I got a smile on my face and remembered her and how attractive she was,,, and I still think about her at least once a day, I have no way of contacting this woman,, nor do I want to, but I can't stop thinking about that day,,, I feel like I'm a horrible person for this, like I should go to hell,, Well if you want to know more ill gladly tell,, but I'm so frustrated and confused and don't know what to do, I want to lock myself in a closet and hide for a very very long time, with nothing but box of Kleenex,Thanks again for listening and your advice
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 March 2013):
 Seems to me that what you have is some odd mutual dependency relationship that is no longer bound by love.
1. If you can get overtime and YOU WANT/NEED the cash, I would just give her a call and say sorry, I'll be a couple of hours late, I am doing overtime. SHE is your GF, NOT your keeper.
2. I understand why she isn't telling people that you are living together, specially if she gets more money by officially "staying" with her mom, HOWEVER, THAT is fraud. And she is implementing YOU in it.
3. You are not happy, but you just keep on trucking. Which to me tells me that you are staying in a relationship out of PITY, not love. THAT isn't good for either of you.
4. She had SEVERAL miscarriages? WHY is she EVEN trying to get pregnant? WHY are YOU not using a condom 100% of the time? If you two can't make it work with $4,200 a MONTH how the heck are you going to be able to afford a CHILD? I have 3 and they are EXPENSIVE! And if you are so ambivalent about HOW you feel about her and your life with her, you should NOT put a child into the mix. That is ridiculous.
5. I think you BOTH need to get a life. JUST because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you CAN'T have friends of your own. It doesn't mean you can't pursue YOUR hobbies and interests, even if she can't join it. Same goes for her.
It honestly sounds like a father/daughter relationship. Not a GF/BF. That isn't healthy or something that will work long term. I think you know that.
So figure out WHAT you want.
If you want to end it, then DO so. FOR BOTH of you. No one wants to be the "pity" partner. And no one should feel more pity then love, for their partner. Help her move back home with her mom. Go no contact and focus on YOU. Take a good 5-6 months and figure out what you want out of life. Do date in that time frame. Put yourself first.
Last but not least, LEARN to budget. If you can barely make it with $2,600 a month you need to find out where you can save, what you need to give up in order to be able to start saving. Maybe even look for a cheaper place to live. Go with a cheaper cell phone if you need to, cut cable/Internet, eat out less. And so forth.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (17 March 2013):
Wow! There is so much to this story that it’s hard to know where to begin, so let’s start with this: of course you are not a bad person for feeling this way. Something is not working in this relationship and it’s upsetting you, don’t feel guilty for revealing your feelings about this.In reality what we’ve got here is a situation where there has not been a functional communication system in this relationship and you have allowed your frustration and resentment to build up and up to crisis point and it’s uncertain as to whether this relationship can survive. What needs to happen now is to set aside time for a serious, meaningful and frank conversation. I suggest you begin by emphasising the positives: something you like about her, or something that makes you happy in the relationship. Then go on to explain that some things haven’t been right for a while and that you want to try and talk through finding a way to make things better.We don’t want this to be too formal, it’s a chat with your girlfriend, not a 1-1 with your boss or professor. But it would help to prepare by trying to break it down in to a number of points. From what ?I can see there are the following problems:1) You would like for each other to have some independence in this relationship, so you can spend time with your friends and she can have something of her own too.2) You don’t think you’re listened to enough. This is where you might mention the response that you’re not spending time with her when you try to input in to what’s happening and any other ways you don’t think she’s taking your opinions in to consideration.3) You seem to have differing expectations and thoughts on money, future plans etc.4) You have opinions on having a family-this is a big subject and needs time devoted to it in and of itself. Doubtless the previous experiences have been painful for you both.You should expect to make compromises, and be granted compromises by her. For instance, if she’s going to get a hobby and friends of her own she might need your support to do that. And perhaps she should join you in doing things you like, where the practicalities of her disability don’t prevent that, or at least take an interest. Compromises on both sides may need to be incorporated in to your financial plans too.The point is simply that you should, to keep on track, have an idea of the areas where this relationship is failing in your opinion. If you want to break it down in a better way then go ahead. You should expect to listen and be heard. You might ask “What if I get more of the same?”Well then at least you’ll know where you stand. What you do about it then is up to you, but remember that people change and as that happens and they learn more about each other, you can become incompatible. This, if nothing else, will help you figure out if that’s the case.I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (17 March 2013):
This is a complicated story with a lot going on. You haven't really explained why you were homeless and living in a car, that sounds fairly important to the story as it appears you would have been fairly vulnerable and needy yourself. You are clearly not happy in this relationship, and your reasons for feeling this way are valid. If you want to leave you can, you will meet someone else it's not too late, she will move on and meet someone else. You don't have to be together if you don't want to. I'd also recommend some counselling or some kind of support to work on the underlying issues you have. We all deserve to be happy, don't stay unhappy out of guilt.
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