A
male
age
30-35,
*acmcgraw
writes:I married my high school gf just over a year ago. Shortly after we got engaged I started working a new job and met this girl named Sarah, she's funny, sweet and we just had tons of fun working together. We started hanging out with each other outside of work, I kinda felt attracted to her but figured it was just a new girl thing and brushed it off.That's when I noticed that things were starting to chiange with my gf, it was like we drifted apart . We didn't hang out, we didn't do anything fun and our sex life pretty much no longer exsisted.Fast forward to now and things haven't gottten any better with my now wife. I honestly can't remember the last we had a conversation with each other. Let alone actually do anything fun together.This past weekend a group of people from work and their bf/gfs were all going out it of town to a concert. I asked my wife to come and she said no, told me to go with my friends. I did, I told her I was driving the 6 hour drive with sarah and she didn't even care. she didn't text or call me once over the weekend I have heard it from some of my coworkers before that Sarah I flirt and which I guess we do. At the concert we were all pretty drunk and Sarah and I were inseparable, one of my close friends said he thought many different times that we were going to kiss but we both would stop it before it happened. And he said he hasn't seen me smile or laugh like this in a long time. The more I think about it he is right. I feel like my wife and I both emotional checked out of our relationah ip along time agoMy sister was looking at pictures on my phone when I came home from the weekend and came across months worth of pictures of Sarah and I . I guess she got nosey and then started reading my text and she asked me if I was having an affair . I laughedand said no and she said I was.I had confided I. Her months ago about my marriage and yesterday she said I was having an affair and my wife probably knew and that's why she was unattached to me. Honestly I haven't had sex with Sarah I wouldn't cheat t on my wife. But emotionally I guess I kinda am Do you think someone can have an affair with out having sex with another person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): [EDIT]: "If you're now wife lost interest in your relationship as your girlfriend; why did you marry her?"
[CORRECTION]: "If your now wife lost interest in your relationship as your girlfriend; why did you marry her?"
You are a marvel at rationalizing; but nothing you've explained makes any sense. You're still trying to put the blame on your wife. How many times have we read posts that do exactly the same thing? Try to justify cheating first; then considering a divorce. Allegedly, your girlfriend did a 360 degree change; and you still saw reason to marry her anyway.
I don't buy it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): Circling back to your first post. If you're now wife lost interest in your relationship as your girlfriend; why did you marry her?
Sir, you are trying very hard to justify this affair with Sarah. You simply found yourself a replacement for your wife; and you regret getting married...as usual, after the fact.
As I said in my second post; it's only going to get nasty from here. Your credibility is pretty shot, considering you decided to show interest in another woman BEFORE trying to find a way to correct your questionable marriage.
All I can really gather from your posts is a man who married one woman; and changed his mind as soon as he met another. That's all it boils down to, isn't it?
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reader, Zacmcgraw +, writes (1 June 2015):
Zacmcgraw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess she had in a way. She's much more vocal and active in the church group and attends a women's meeting group session thing they have once a week.
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reader, Zacmcgraw +, writes (1 June 2015):
Zacmcgraw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo she goes to the same church we always have. My father is a minister so we have always been active with our church. And in no way I'm I disrespectful with her sexually. I'm not into anything weird and crazy in the bedroom.
I did text her asking her to come camping with some of my friends on th weekend and of course she said no
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reader, Zacmcgraw +, writes (1 June 2015):
Zacmcgraw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think what I want out of my marriage is unrealistic , hanging out with Sarah made me realize how much I miss doing things with my wife as a couple. Since getting married we have literally done nothing as a couple. We haven't been to a movie, went hiking (something we used to do a lot and I love), went out with friends or really eve laughed with each other. We do have a lot of different likes but we used to do things the other liked just to spend time with each other but now she refuses to do the things I like. Take the concert I went to with work friends. She wouldn't come on a weekend away with her husband but instead stayed home to do nothing. She was off work that weekend, I was going with mostly couples and she just decided that it wasn't her thing. As much fun i had with my friends I would have loved to dancing with my wife at a concert As for the sex life it's been 11 months !!!!! And nothing. No blow jibs, no touching . I try but she is always tired or not in the mood. I've been patience but come on. plus the few months after we got married that we were still having sex she changed, she decided suddenly doggy sex was degrading for so weird reason and that she didn't like oral sex anymore (giving or receiving) which again is weird she had no issue when we were dating.
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reader, Garbo  +, writes (1 June 2015):
 Divorce is not the first line of action in a bad marriage but a last one. Some counseling should be done by you two in order to bridge the gap of perception of happiness in this marriage. Go the counsellor yourself if she doesn't want to, then figure out ways there on how to bring your wife in for counseling. At some point she will discover the gravity of the situation. Having parental help, church or siblings also helps. You have exploit all venues around her stubbornness and talking with her few times then calling it quits just does not seem enough.
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reader, Zacmcgraw +, writes (1 June 2015):
Zacmcgraw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI honestly did sleep on her couch. Nothing happy other then a hug. I felt like a complete idiot breaking down in tears in front of her so it was no way a turn on for me to have her see me crying. I tried talking to my wife again today but it just ended in a huge screaming fest between the two of us. She is happy with our marriage and doesn't think anything needs to change , she thinks I'm being unreasonable and unrealistic when it comes to what I think a marriage should be. There's no Talking to her because once her mind is made up that's it there's no changing it. I am at my parents and I really don't know what's next.I know I'm not happy in my marriage and its much more then just some flirting with Sarah that makes me feel this way. I honestly feel like a divorce is the only way for me to be happy. I just can't imagine living unhappy for the rest of my life. I would never want Sarah to face any negative response because of me. She's young, she's only 20, and has a lot of potential in life and I would never do anything to hurt her chances at a great future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015): As soon as Sarah is aware that you may be seriously getting a divorce; she is definitely going to bow out! If not run screaming for the hills! You see, everything seems easy while only in the contemplative stage. You're only considering a divorce, it's not even in progress. Sarah has to face the people at work; who are going to label her a home-wrecker. Our society sets a double-standard toward the single-woman involved with a married-man.
You claim there's been no sex. Yeah, right! If you spent the night at her house, you took your marital-problems and exposed-emotions with you. To cry on her shoulder, draw her sympathy, and pry her open with your "male-vulnerability." Something that women rarely get to see. It's a potent aphrodisiac. You did more than sleep on the couch.
You could have just as easily driven home to your parents, or bedded the night alone in a motel.
On the job, once everyone catches wind of a divorce; they will write poor Sarah off as the Jezebel/harlot/bimbo who seduced the married son of a preacher-man. You'll be the tempted married-man who got caught-up in your weakness of the flesh by her tawdry flirtations. Then while your divorce is in progress, they will pivot. Opinions will change; and they will turn on you out of sympathy for your wife.
How do I know? Because it's predictable.
If you think Sarah is going to take that kind of ostracism, you've got your head in the clouds. Don't think you're going to go running to her to be greeted with open-arms. That isn't going to happen. It was fun just flirting behind your wife's back. It was a cheap thrill; but not worth gossip, whispers, and dirty-looks at work.
That's when she's going to give you the big brush-off. When the poop hit's the fan at work!
Your wife is in denial, and isn't taking you seriously at this point. Or, she is giving you poker-face. That's because she figures if she pretends you're crazy; maybe it will all go away. She is also expecting your father to intervene and talk some sense into you. She may have even already had a talk with your sister. Women do talk you know? When a male cheats, they all circle the wagons and come to each others aid.
Eleven month's in and you decide you want out?!! I guess I can see your wife's point. You must be crazy!
There will be a point when she will confront you. She will not allow you to tell her that you've found someone better. She's going to tell you what a dog you are, and she is going to let you have it.
She's not just going to the mall with the girls, she's plotting her exit-strategy; and they are telling her what to do about you. She's not letting you arrogantly call the shots, and tell her when it's over; she's going to tell you! Move all the things you want. You ain't seen nothing yet! "Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned!!!"
She didn't call you for a reason. You're doing everything she has expected you to do. Her girlfriends got her back, and you are out-numbered my dear sir! It's going to get nasty.
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reader, Zacmcgraw +, writes (30 May 2015):
Zacmcgraw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night I told my wife we needed to talk and she said she was going to the mall with some girlfriends, I tried explaining to her that we really need to talk because I felt like I wanted a divorce and she laughed. She said I was over reacting. I told her if she left with out talking I wouldn't be there when she came home and she left.I took some things and was going to go to my parents for the night but after driving in circles for two hours I ended up at Sarah's . I spent the night there, I slept on the couch. We talked for a really long time. My wife didn't call or text me at all .This morning. I went to my parents and talked to them and my sister was there again. My sister has a hate on for Sarah and tried to blame everything wrong in my marriage on her. My dad asked why I got married if I felt we had issues to begin with I i really couldn't answe him. I know I should have said be used I loved her but all I could think about was Howard the time I felt like I owed her that much. We had dated for a longtime and it just felt like IT was the next right thing to do for our relationshipMy dad is a baptist minister so of course he wants us to go to marriage classes. I just don't even know if it's worth it.If our marriage is this bad now and we are suppose to still be in the honeymoon phase what will it be like in ten years. I know a relationship can't be based on sex alone but I cant go another 11 months with out having sex.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2015):
 Oh , so you haven't had sex with your WIFE in the pasr 11 months .... and that's why you had started sniffing around Sarah as soon as she showed up, right after your ENGAGEMENT ?!( before you HAD a wife )
Don't start with the blame game, OP, your hand of cards is very weak. If by the time you got engaged or right after ,you already felt you or your wife had pulled out emotionally -then why the heck did you go ahead with the wedding ?! Who MADE you do that ?..
Anyway , of course when a couple unravels there are responsibilities on both sides, that's not exactly breaking news. The point is, you do not want the label as a divorced man, but you are Ok with the label of
" cheating husband " ? Convenient moral compass, I'd have to say !
If you feel that the situation with your wufe is damaged beyond repair, then you shoud just be brave enough to accept the first label.
If you want to make further, and less half hearted attempts, to repair the relationship with your wife, instead, that would require to cut off Sarah completely from the scene, because, as already said, her very presence, and the emotional , affective energies you bestow on your emotional affaor, would invalidate the seriousness and sincerity of futther attempts to fix your marriage.
Anything else is wanting to keep your cake and eat it too.
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reader, Zacmcgraw +, writes (30 May 2015):
Zacmcgraw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried to connect with my wife from the very beginning. I have set up date nights, tried to get her to open up but she's always tired or has some excuse. When we were engaged she said it was stress from the wedding planning then once we got married she was stressed from work or tired. I'm 25 and haven't had sex in 11 months. I went on a four day weekend trip and she didn't call or text once. I particularly begged her to come along but she said no.I know that the flirting between Sarah and I can be alittle much at times and I shoud,nt get as excited as I do when I see a text from her but it's not like I' taking time away from my wife , she wouldn't be texting me anywaysI guess I knew I was wrong from the beginning but just didn't want to admit it. Yes I'm stuck in the labels of "affairs" and " divorce" . I don't want to be the guy from my family that has either one of those labels but at the same time I dnot think I'm the only one to blame here either
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015): Can I give you a different perspective?(from having suffered from a similar situation)Your wife is not any different NOW than she was BEFORE.You, yourself, acknowledge it in your post. It's just that whatever she is doing NOW seems less endearing than BEFORE, because NOW=someone else is in your head (in that way).You knew what you were getting into well before the marriage took place= "marry in haste, repent at leisure".BUT I do NOT think that is your case. I think it's DYNAMICS.Once the dynamics and the BOUNDARIES of a relationship are set, they are very,very difficult to change later. So if your wife's previous attitude (i.e. not checking in with you), was the norm+ it was fine then, from her perspective there is NO reason (for her) for it NOT to be fine. I mean it's the NORM,right?Also, another VERY important thing- I'm like your wife. I know that no one on here would agree+ they'd put under "emotional negligence" BUT the thing is,I've been thinking long and hard about it and at least for me,it has nothing to do with that (re:texts and checking in etc.).It has more to do with CONFIDENCE and TRUST.Do you know how? You told her about Sarah+ she was NOT jealous. OK, GREAT! That's FANTASTIC news! What did you expect her to be? Jealous? Worried? Concerned that you're driving alone with another woman? WHY?Are you NOT trust-worthy? Because INSECURITIES fire up JEALOUSY (normally, I think). What this sort of attitude indicates it's a number of things: 1) COMPLETE trust in you. From her perspective, she has nothing to worry about with you in the first place. That's actually great news. 2) Confidence (in herself and In YOU.). Even if YOU feel differently she might (i.e. you might not show it a lot around her either and not behave differently-and remember all has been FINE till this point,no?) 3) A bit of naivete- I've come to the conclusion that people who have never been cheated on and who have never even contemplated the possibility of cheating on their partner, find it difficult to imagine that scenario+ do NOT consider it as a possibility.A bit like if you blindly believe in something-say you may believe in God, then Buddha is of no significance to you,coz you just don't believe that Buddha exists.So, if I do not text you/check up on you-it's not that I do not care or do not love you or whatever, it's just that I trust you, hope you're having fun and I know that you'll be coming back home to ME at the end.I do not need a nightly "oh,good night,darling. sweet dreams" even because it feels a bit like checking up on you and I do NOT need to check up on you. I trust you.Also, her encouraging you to go with friends it's a great sign too-she doesn't wanna go, would have probably had miserable time going (if she doesn't enjoy that sort of thing) but she reckons you should have FUN and a GOOD TIME with your FRIENDS, just as she does with hers. Where is the harm in that?Ok,picture it like this-you luuuuv horror movies. Your friends luuuv horror movies. She hates horror movies. The opportunity comes for you to go to a horror movie you'd love seeing! Your friends too! For her it'd probs be 2hrs of hell... So instead of quietly resenting you,whilst going along just for your sake,she says :"Ok,go with your friends and have fun!See you when you get home!" and then she goes and does something SHE likes. She lets you+ encourages you to do something you LOVE and she TRUSTS you not go to a brothel instead of a cinema... You get back home together, life goes on as normal.Yours is basically a longer version of the above situation (days instead of hours).What YOU need to do is FIND something you BOTH enjoy doing and START doing more of those things. Plus, you need to sit her down and say : "I love you, but I feel like we're drifting apart. What can we do about it?"If she EVER thought of this Sarah as anything MORE than simply a FRIEND of yours, then her reaction would have been quite different, trust me. Problem is she can not even IMAGINE a situation in which you cheat/ have an emotional affair... or a situation in which life is NOT as it is now.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 May 2015):
Of course you can. It's not all about sex. You ARE having an affair . Or, have you got a better definition for when someone invests in another person the time, attention, emotion, curiosity and enthusiasm that in theory he / she should reserve to his/ her officially CHOSEN partner ?
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 May 2015):
 You CAN be involved with another in a no-sexual but deeply personal way outside of marraige that is just as risky as a sexual afair. You need to watch yourself and disengage before things get out of hand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015): Yes, you can have an "emotional-affair" until you get drunk enough to have an excuse to have sex. All you need is an opportunity and convenient excuse. I noticed how you laid-out all the reasons you became attracted to Sarah. All affairs start-out the same way. Usually with the claim their spouse was detached and inattentive. So much total bull.
You have already cheated on your wife. You just haven't had the opportunity to have sex. You even embarrass yourself on the job by openly and inappropriately flirting with a female co-worker. Being a married-man on top of all that.
You claim your wife lost interest in you before you married her. While still your girlfriend. Then why did you marry her? Now Sarah is so much more fun and attentive than your wife. Yet you're not aware you're having an affair. Everyone is aware of it but you.
There are two outcomes to this story. You're going to eventually have sex with Sarah, there's no doubt about that.
Your wife will find out about it through someone on your job. People know when there is an ongoing affair between two co-workers. They love to speculate and gossip. They also love to notify the cheated-spouse in subtle ways. Usually during a holiday office-party.
You'll have sex with Sarah, and suddenly grow a conscience. Then you'll want to break it off. This is going to piss her off and she is going to let it slip to your wife that you and she are having an affair. The final result will be a divorce.
Hopefully knowing all this at this point, will avert any slip of judgement on your part. If you feel you married in haste; then get a hasty divorce.
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reader, Garbo +, writes (28 May 2015):
Yes, this is emotional affair because you are investing yourself in romantic ways with a woman who isn't your wife. The problem here is that you are investing yourself into someone who can actually wreck your marriage instead of investing yourself in your wife to repair your marriage. Your actions with Sarah are negative and destructive. In fact you acknowledge that you and your wife have checked out on each other yet you are investing energy into someone who is making that checkout even deeper. Just for speculation purposes, though, what makes you so sure that she does not care that you've left with your friends away from her? Being checked out from you, she may have been elated that you are gone? For all you know, she may have an emotional affair herself because, these days, such things can occur via Skype, Tinder or whatever? Just like you haven't told her about your flirting and your photo memorabilia that you have of Sarah it may also imply that she may have such collection of some guy out there that she is hiding, nicely checked out?So caution here, because you are on a slope of despair because one of the most fundamental needs of a woman in a relationship is attachment as expressed by your attention to her. Virtually every woman who cheats does that because her husband is neglecting her. Neglect is what breaks down woman's bond to you, which breaks down her loyalty to you, which breaks down her need to sacrafice for sake of marriage. Even though your wife may not know of this affair, your actions, by virtue that you are absent, violate this chain and at some point she will check out of your life permanently. So fight your demons, get Sarah out of your life and invest time in your woman. That is what good husbands do.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 May 2015):
 Yes. It's called an emotional affair. It's when you spend more energy, affection and attention on someone BESIDES your partner. You sister is right. And you know it.
You even SAY that you "kinda" are emotionally cheating with Sarah. So you know it's in that "grey area" of wrong behavior for a married guy.
Some people have no problem with their spouses flirting or having friends of the opposite gender, because THEY are still getting the attentions and affections they NEED/WANT from their partner.
YOU PRESUME that because your wife didn't constantly text or call you, that she DOESN'T care, maybe... SHE trusts you. Or maybe SHE didn't want to PUSH you further into Sarah's arms by acting jealous. On the other hand, maybe she doesn't give a crap. Maybe she is already halfway out of the marriage.
LET me ask you this, if Sarah was a guy - let's call him Sam. And your WIFE was in your shoes, working with Sam, hanging out with Sam, drinking, flirting, texting.... WITH Sam... HOW would you feel? What would you think of their "friendship"?
So what do you do?
Well, you EITHER GROW a set and sit your wife down and tell her what you feel is missing in the marriage. It IS easy to avoid this conversation and just "get" what you need from someone else... It's like starting over with the honeymoon phase, but still have the "stability of a marriage" and a wife to come home to. But you also recognize that MAYBE what's going on is not a GOOD thing for your marriage, that maybe it's PARTLY why you wife withdrew and you shifted your attention/affection onto Sarah. And then you WORK on the marriage to make it WORK again.
If the chat with your wife goes well, you MIGHT have to start making some SERIOUS changes. I'm not saying you can not be friends with Sarah, but you CAN'T continue how it is now. That would be something YOU and YOUR wife needs to sort out. It CAN be that your wife will WANT you to give up Sarah, so you will HAVE to decide if you want the MARRIAGE or if Sarah is more important.
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reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (28 May 2015):
Yes. It's called an emotional affair. Affairs happen when someone looks for someone ouside the marriage to fulfill certain needs or desires, when ideally these should be (mostly) fulfilled by their partner. This could be sex but can also be companionship, moral support, empathy, fun and frolics, gifts etc etc
Emotional affairs can be just as destructive as sexual ones.
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reader, Over 50 advice +, writes (28 May 2015):
 Your worried about the word affair to much, you make it sound like the marriage is over and you want this new girlfriend. Not sure what your hanging on to your wife doesn't seem to care and you don't seem to care either. Time to make some changes, your either going to wind up in divorce court or get caught cheating on your wife
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