A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have wrote here before. I had some good advice. It was about my Nigerian husband. I mentioned his mood swings , and I’m unable to ask any questions without his temper flaring up. Ai also mentioned his spending ways and his expections that I should fund everything. Since my last post I have changed things. He has asked for money as usual for his family, for their Ramadan and also their bills. I changed the subject. He started ignoring me as usual saying he is stressed about money. Playing his head games. He said they need 500.00 for Ramadan, and 2000.00 for bills. I have no idea what could cost 2,000 for bills in Nigeria. I have refused to give anymore money. When he can’t get his way he’s extremely moody and doesn’t say much. I have been a good wife supported him and his family for over 2 years. His mom has 5 children. Has anyone heard of these ridiculous price amounts for Nigeria?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2019): I am glad to hear you are no longer giving him any money. There is nothing that he should need money for during Ramadan, this is a time of fasting and introspection for those who follow Islam. No eating, drinking, or sex during daylight hours, so really there should be less expenses for him at this time. You are right to question all that he tells you in regards to their finances. Continue your abstinence from paying for him and his other family memebers' bills. They somehow managed on their own before you started supporting them 2 years ago correct? THey can do it again. Don't feel guilty about cutting them off financially. You need to look out for yourself first, as they will obviously not be able to take care of you in any way (emotionally, financially, physically) in your old age. I also think you should still look into the possibility that you may be a scam victim, and triple check the validity of all your documents, marriage, identity, etc that you have gotten from your husband. It really sounds like you are being used for your cash from all the info we have from your posts. So sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have some close friends and family here in the states that you can rely on to give you some hard truths too. R
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2019): You trusted the wrong individual OP? YOU DO KNOW THAT? Good. Then instead of pussy footing around this scamming jerk (you need space!!!) tell him it's OVER! Then work on yourself and getting your life in order. You are good hearted OP? Well, why don't you use your HEAD instead? You see where your heart got you, right? Good hearted is no excuse for foolishness.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 May 2019):
 You are ALWAYS welcome to ask questions. And you know (I bet) that you will get a large variety of answers, so TAKE from them what you can USE, what you find common sense (to you) and see if they can work for you.
I am still curious OP, did I make the mistake of "reading between the lines" that HE is still living in Nigeria? And you are the ONLY one of you two who has gone to visit the other?
If so, I presume you got married in Nigeria. Which means, the piece of paper might not be worth more that yesterdays newspapers (in the legal sense).
If I were you I would find out IF your are actually LEGALLY (according to US laws) married or not.
And then you have to consider this as well (if you wish) that you CAN NOT carry on a marriage if you two don't get to LIVE together. Holidays don't count. While married people CAN deal with geographical separation from time to time during a marriage (I know I have, due to my husband's military service) but being married and living apart doesn't make much sense, unless you are/were ACTIVELY working on living together in the same country.
I hope you figure out where YOU stand and that you KEEP NOT sending him money. HE needs to be responsible for HIMSELF and HIS family and SHOW you that you are not just his personal ATM.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2019): I'm the OP
The truth doesnt hurt at all. I'm here to seek opinions. I have every right to , just as you do to give opinions.
I mentioned I'm not giving him money and I told him I need space. Not much more to conclude to this. I'm focusing on my life not his. A good heart doesn't mean you're in need of professional help. It means I trusted the wrong individual. Now I have to deal with it.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 May 2019):
 Look for support groups for those scammed by foreign men and women. Join one. Sit there and LISTEN. You WILL spot the huge red flags that you're currently ignoring. He is NOT your husband and you ARE in denial. That's not rude, but it feels rude because it hurts and you don't want to admit it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2019): If you don't want to be subjected to the opinions of others, even if you feel they are "rude", OP then you shouldn't be coming here. No matter what words are used, the reality is the TRUTH HURTS and you see TRUTH in what we are saying. You know we are right. You just can't seem to pull the trigger. You need to cut the chord but you lack the GUTS.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2019): Not trying to be rude, OP but you've got a psychological condition which has removed you from reality. Go see a therapist. You need to get yourself in order first. Find out WHY you are allowing this man to manipulate you and treat you like dirt. Blame yourself for allowing him. Scammers like him can't do it without preying on your weaknesses/insecurities.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2019): You are being scammed, please wake up.
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female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (3 May 2019):
 HE IS SCAMMING YOU!!!!! For money and probably for a green card as well! Do not give him any more money, instead open up a new bank account for yourself and start stashing money there so you can just tell him( and be able to show him a bank statement) that you do not have any money and cant afford to fund his family's expenses! Does he not have a job? Make him pay for it.............his family...his problem!! I would also look into divorcing him if he doesn't smarten up.....send him back to where he came from!!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 May 2019):
 You should tell us. After all, as you mentioned in previous posts, you are the one who visited Nigeria several times already, it's almost impossible that by now you haven't gotten at least a rough idea of the general cost of life there,- you know, noticing how much it is a car ride or a bus ride, how much one spends for a restaurant meal, or a day ( or a week ) of basic groceries etc.etc.
Anyway, no, I really don't think your husband needs 2000 ( US dollars, I suppose ?) for " bills ". Considering that the average pre-tax pro capite income in Nigeria is about 4000 USD a year,- that's just the same as somebody in USA telling you he needs 25.000 USD to pay his bills… Like, uh ? 25.000 USD for , say, electricity, phone, Internet...,- wow, that would be HUGE bills. Talk about conspicuous consumption.
So, indeed,it's hardly believable that the money he asked you is for covering his normal living expenses , or even for allowing him to live a bit comfortably- whatever he uses it for, I'm sure that it goes toward a lot of voluptuary stuff which he does not need at all, but, as long as he can stick the bill to you, hey why not- YOLO, right ?.
Regardless, this ( and the title itself of your question ) is a bit of a moot point isn't it ?. Because, either he spends the money in actual food and bills,- or in drinks , drugs, jewelry , fancy clothing or whatnot- still, as you luckily seem to have realized, he is your husband , not your underage child, you are not supposed to support him financially 100%, unless he is disabled, for over two years!, let alone spoil him and pamper him.Helping out in a moment of crisis is fine, but if the moment of crisis becomes a full-fledged lifestyle- then no, very bad idea, you'd find yourself with a toy-boy without the " toy " function, because , living at such a distance, you can't even get out of him enough - ahem, entertainment value to justify your monetary investment.
He is an adult, he should be providing for himself- and if he really, really can't he should adopt the most frugal lifestyle in order to weigh as least as possible in your finances , rather than trying to bleed you dry. I am glad that you have finally realized in what awkward , dangerous position you put yourself and decided to stop sending him money . I hope you can stick to your guns and do not cave under the pressure of his silent treatment and emotional manipulations. After all, closing the money tap and standing firm on your position is the only foolproof way to see if there is actually something real , and workable on, in this marriage, regardless of your cultural and religious differences, and regardless of the issues you have had to deal with so far- or if, alas, you are just another victim of your typical Nigerian scammer ( a.k.a. G-boy, or Yahoo Boy ).
P.S. Muslims do not need extra money for Ramadan, in fact it' s a time when they spend less, because it's devoted to fasting, prayer and reflection, not to entertainment and fun ; BUT some Muslims ( those who can afford it ! ) give generously to provide food for their whole community, particularly the poorer families, because Ramadan is a time of good deeds and charity . It seems your husband is trying to buy himself his way through the Gates of Paradise - on your dime- Not cool ( SMH )
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): Use the money you would have sent him and use it to see a therapist.Really I am serious you need to do this like yesterday.Your relationship is not real.You are the victim of a scam.Get serious help now before you end up homeless and alone without a cent to your name.You wrote before and never took any advice.Just try therapy this time...Do this different.See a different outcome then.You know what all of us on here think....we are not wrong.
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (3 May 2019):
 OP, I agree with you that some of the comments are not so nice, some even rude but the MAJORITY of us on here are just stating what we believe to be the honest truth. I was not trying to be unkind or demeaning to you in my comment but the fact is that you are walking around in some sort of a daze and need to be shaken awake to see the truth.
PROTECT YOURSELF! I truly believe you are being had, scammed, used whatever you want to call it but you are being rather defensive. We aren't trying to hurt you. We are trying to help you...even the rudest comments are just trying to snap you out of it. Its hard to admit that you've made a mistake and someone has taken advantage of you. Its happened to most of us. Its up to you how you chose to go from here. I frankly wouldn't want to keep living the life you are living. I wish you well no matter what you choose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): Please Google online Nigerian scams. How many posts do we have to receive from American and European women getting involved with these online scam-artists? It's nearly a full-time vocation taking advantage of gullible women, and gay men.
They are supporting their families, their women, buying cars, cell phones, jewelry, motorcycles, and drugs. Making fun of how foolish foreign women are, and calling you terrible names. Don't believe me, Google some videos and see for yourself. He married you as a ploy, all you have to do is cutoff the money and you'll never hear from him again.
He's not your husband. He's your beneficiary. You got played, my dear. I don't have it in my heart to ever say anyone deserves such treatment; but if you're foolish enough to think someone much younger, poor, who can't move to your country really married you for love. You're either extraordinarily naive, or delusional. File papers and cut him loose!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): I am the OP, I have stated I’m not giving him anymore money. I have also told him I need space to figure things out.
Some comments are kind of rude there. I am on an advice column. If you don’t like my post then you don’t have to reply.
Sometimes things happen and yes I have been to Nigeria several times I got married there. I have met his friends and his family. I am a trusting person because I am trustworthy. I was being kind and trying to help. I know times aren’t easy there. However I can’t be taken advantage of either.
Thanks for some of your comments, it’s appreciated.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (2 May 2019):
 It is your role as his wife to support him and keep sending him money for whatever he wants. You should not even be questioning him about it so that you don't add to the poor man's stress. You should be concentrating on working as hard as you can and living as frugally as you can so that you can send him every penny you can spare. Do you only have one job? Surely you can get another one and earn even more money to send him? How about taking out a loan or two? Or remortgaging your house if you own one? I am sure there are lots of other ways you can get your hands on more money to send him.
Does this sound at all ridiculous? That is because your situation IS ridiculous. As others have said, open your eyes.
I wonder how many "wives" he has worldwide who send him money to support him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2019): Don't send the money. If he really loves you he will get over it and eventually stop asking and sort his life out. If he doesn't love you he will keep playing mind games until he eventually realises he's not going to get anything, at which point you will never hear from him again. It definitely sounds like he's scamming you
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male
reader, stanliwise  +, writes (2 May 2019):
 I am a Nigerian, and from what you have written I am quite shocked he is asking such amount for those bills ( I assume it is in dollars) . I don't know how large he lives but I am sad to say, I think you're being scammed here. it's time you smell the rat already.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2019): Is he living in America with you or he is in Nigeria? Did you marry him in America or in Nigeria? If he is in America why isn't he working? Or even in Nigeria why isn't he working? Do you have any kids between you?
I know for sure the cost of living in Nigeria is but a fraction of that in America.
yes, admittedly in those cultures the children are expected to give some money to the parents if they don't have an income of their own, but that applies only if their children are working. That means if your husband was working then he is expected to contribute some money to his mum and the same applies to you in their culture, that you are expected to give to your own mum not his. Frankly he seems very dubious to me. As the others have advised, be careful, you might be being scammed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2019): I can't believe you are so stupid to be writing in numerous times! You knew the answer before the first post! That's why you wrote! Get out of this "relationship!" He is going to SCAM and FOOL you for as long as you allow him to!!
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 May 2019):
You are being scammed. This is not a marriage. I don’t know how many times we can advise that you leave him before you wake up to what’s going on.
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (2 May 2019):
Wake up and smell the coffee honey...you are being scammed....that money he's begging for isn't being used for bills...at least not like he says. How long are you going to continue to keep the rose colored glasses on? Read on the internet about scamming from Nigeria if you don't believe us!
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 May 2019):
 I said it last time and I’ll say it again.
You are being scammed.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 May 2019):
Well, IF you have supported them for over 2 years WHAT has he been doing?
Does he have a job?
If not, then OF COURSE bills are costly!
You have by enabling him to NOT HELP out his family on his own, like HE should - he has become dependent on you for everything.
Considering that during Ramadan they observant Muslims DO NOT eat from sunrise to sunset and only drink water, so when they DO eat it has to FILL them up (the before sunrise meal) ALL day, which means it ought to contain a lot of complex carbs and fibers - so NOT exactly expensive foods.
However, WHY is it YOUR job to finance their meals? THAT is HIS job as head of the family there.
And after 2 years wouldn't you have an IDEA of his budget and spending by now?
It all depends on WHERE in Nigeria they live (as far as costs)
I just don't get why you are still in a marriage where YOU have to take care of HIS family financially but you don't live together, and you are NOT part of the family.
You have NO idea if your "husband" is also "married" to other Western women who ALSO support his family. My guess is THAT is his job.
Have you BEEN to Nigeria? If so, don't you have an idea of the cost of living by now?
We REALLY can't tell you in detail what things cost there, as it varies from place to place within the country (just like in the US)
But I think WE can tell you that it's RIDICULOUS for you to pay for HIM to have a certain lifestyle where he \PRETEND to take care of his family. And when you don't cough up the money he DEMANDS, he gets moody and doesn't want to talk to you.
THAT isn't a marriage.
But you have MADE your choice, this is your life. Is this really how you see your future? To work your ass of for a man you can't live with and who is more busy SPENDING your money on HIS family that working on getting to live with you?
I just don't get it.
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