A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a bit of a hard situation here. I have a male friend, and I recently found out that he is on a swinger site, and is meeting random people for sex. Now what he does is his business and normally I couldn't care less, except he has a girlfriend and on the site he is presenting himsef as single and boasts about not always using protection unless the other person insists. I have verfied that it is this friend, his photo's are on there and he is a verified member of this site, even using webcam. The problem is that it is obvious his girlfriend has no idea about this, she is posting pics of them together on facebook and saying how great it is to finally have a bf who is faithful. I normally don't like to get involved in other people's relationship's, but I feel under these circumstances she should be made aware that this man is not who she thinks he is, before she ends up with an std or something. I don't think I could live with the guilt of knowing that she got an std from him and that I knew something which could have prevented it but I didn't say anything. Also if my man was cheating on me I would want to know. Should I give her the proof that her bf is cheating on her, so she can then make an informed decision about what to do with her relationship? I just need to get some help from the wonderful aunts and uncles on here. Thankyou
View related questions:
facebook, has a girlfriend, std Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 August 2012):
 There are compelling reasons to approach the girlfriend yourself, however you may not get the outcome you're hoping for. For all we know she may take his side and turn on you in which case she'd be in as much danger then as she is now (though it would have been her choice). One thing is fairly certain in that yuo will lose a (so called) friend. 'So called' because if he can treat someone else this way what makes you think he'd have any great loyalty to you?
I like the way Honeypie handled her situation. She confronted her friend and warned him that unless he stopped what he was doing she may be forced to talk to his girlfriend herself. She gave him a heads up and a chance to change course without commiting herself to any particular action.
That way you will have done SOMETHING now and paved the way to do more in the future if you still feel strongly about it.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (4 August 2012):
I once got into the same situation, and I have to tell you it may not end well. You have to decide for yourself how much this friendship means to you because chances of losing that person are pretty big.
In my case my friend was cheating on her boyfriend with multiple guys. When I found out I confronted her about it, and she tried to push it on me, saying the relationship was her business and that if it got ruined it was my fault for running my mouth. I told her I wasn't going to help her betray someone and basically gave her the ultimatum: either she told her bf or I would. I ended up having to tell him (as she didn't think I'd follow through) and though at first he didn't believe me, I managed to convince him. They broke up, she got really mad at me and we never truly recovered our friendship.
Though at the time I was sad it had to be like this, I quickly realized I didn't want to be friends with people who have such little regard for those they say they love. If you feel the same, follow your heart and do the right thing by letting your friend's gf know. Confront him first though, so he has a chance to clean up his own mess. If he doesn't, let the girlfriend know. And yes, like others said, collect evidence. That way, they can never say you were lying.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): I meant I am definitely going to think about this before I do anything. Tisha thanks for your answer, I am going to think about this and do what is right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 August 2012):
 How would YOU want to be notified if you were the woman in the equation? Ponder that and then do what you need to do.
I vote for telling her. HIV is a non-discriminatory virus, as are the other STIs....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): Hi and thankyou all for replying. I do have hard proof that he is actively unsing the site now. My reason for doing this is purely for the safety aspect, I certainly do not want the "hero badge" I would rather not know this at all. They are both my friends and that is why I feel conflicted about it. Obviously I would tell whoever at home as these things really should not be dealt with out in public. If I did not have hard proof, and was absolutely sure about this I would not consider saying anything at all. I am not going to think before I make a decision, all I am trying to do is what is right. Thankyou all
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 August 2012):
its alright for people to say you should mind your own business etc but I would tell your friend as she could catch a disease off him, anyway its not fair for her to be wasting time on such a loser its a disgusting thing to do behind his girlfriends back. if you dont want to get blamed for bringing stories etc, DO wrote an anonymous note just make sure that it sounds genuine and not something he can say is some jealous girl trying to cause trouble etc. she deserves to know!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 August 2012):
 Honestly, if HE is your friend, I would confront him first. See what he has to say. But I DO think SHE has a right to know, as he is putting her at risk with his sexual behavior.
There is always the .... *I don't want to get in the middle* option and make an anon e-mail address - mail her the info.
I would want to know if my SO was "Swinging around bareback" or not.
I have been in the situation where a friend of mine was cheating on his GF. She had no idea. I told him I thought it was F'd up for him to do so and I told him that he ought to talk to her and admit it or I might feel forced to do so. I'm normally not one for getting in the middle of other people's relationships, but something just hit a little too close to home. He told her, she broke up with him. He got mad at me (for a while) but then admitted that he was the responsible party to it.
So it really comes down to how you feel. And what you feel is the right thing to do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): She's your friend and even if he's stopped doing this she needs to get checked out ASAP for STI's or worse as if he doesn't care about protection then the people he slept with obviously didnt make anyone else where protection either which is just disgusting, people know HIV exists so can't bury their heads in the sand hoping it doesn't happen to them. Just don't make it public knowledge keep it you and her because if you were my friend I would want to know.
You could always create a completely anonymous email address and send her the link but that could completely freak her out, it would be much better to be kind and tell her face to face. Definately be ready to prove it as she will not want to believe it.
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Hi,
I agree with Cerberus that you should approach your friend about this rather than his girlfriend. You don't know what the story is behind the profile, how old it is and whether he's actively using the site (unless you've omitted this in your post).
Today I read an article about the wikileaks guy, Julian Assange. Someone had found an old profile of his on an Internet dating site. It was there since 2006, and was still there to see until recently. So he'd made the profile and kept it for at least 5 years, presumably forgetting to delete it once he'd hit the spotlighht, or just assuming that no one would come across it. If the guy behind Wikileaks can forget about an old, unused profile then I reckon it's possible that your friend might have, too.
...............................
A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (1 August 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus...he is your friend your loyalty is to him, but if he is indeed a friend you should be able to communicate that you feel that this is unacceptable to his "girlfriend" why is it thst a swinger has the option to protect themselves with him and she doesnt?...he should see that this isnt right unless in fact they have a relationship that they do know and mybe engage in a different lifestyle and she presents herslef to others as if they were "normal" so as not to be judged wither way he should be told first. goodluck,
peace and love
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): It depends on your loyalties really OP. If your main loyalty is to him and he's a good friend of yours then it's him you need to approach about this not her.
Only a coward would go behind a person who is supposed their friend's back and mess with their life like that, especially for the half-cocked crap you propose.
I can tell you if any one of my group of friends did something like that to any of us, they'd be gone because we would no longer respect or trust them and you know what? Why would we believe some jealous woman with no proof if he turns around and says it's an old profile and he hasn't used it in ages. All that would happen is we'd know you're no good and not to trust you with anything ever again.
A few things to consider here before you run and save a member of the sisterhood from us dirty dick-havers.
First you don't say anything about recent usage, have you proof he still uses this site?
Have you proof she doesn't already know about this?
Have you proof that he acted on it at all or met any girl from that site recently?
I see nothing in your post that says he's cheating, all I see is a woman who should mind her own business snooping on this guy and assuming the worst who is now going to ride in on her white horse and save a damsel in distress, when you really don't know all the details here.
OP forgive me for being harsh but you're working on assumptions here and are willing to destroy your friends relationship over what you consider to be a moral high ground? It's a wonder you have any friends at all if your reaction to any mistake they make or anything bad they do is to go to the other person and start messing with their lives.
if you truly want to high ground here you'll ask him about it, you'll pull him to the side and say "WTF?"
Because OP no matter what our friends transgressions, no matter the mistakes and bad choices they make in life a good friend will always give them a chance to explain themselves and resolve the situation, a bad one will just take it upon themselves and go behind their supposed friends back.
Be careful OP, there's a reason it's a bad idea to mess in the affairs of others, it has a tendency to bite you on the ass.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): is your friend the type to "shoot the messenger" ??? i go through this many times and i find it really hard to not say anything. she might love him regardless of the site and you would look like the instigator.
but if it was me... i would mention it but also note that she can choose to be with him or not but i just wanna be a good friend. if it was the other way around... i definitely want to know and i would be mad at my partner and not my friend. but everyone is different.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Yes, tell her. This guy is a DOG and doesn't deserve any cover from you....
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Generally speaking, I always advise a person to steer clear from situations like this unless you have hard proof.I would say that you do have hard proof. Don't tell him anything about it, because he could easily delete his account in just a few minutes and make you look like you're lying. I would take some screen shots of his profile page and pictures, then show them to her.Of course, she'll probably ask you why you had an account there, and you're just going to have to be honest about being a swinger too, but that's beside the point. Right now, he is putting her at MASSIVE risk for potentially dangerous STDs. This isn't just about faithfulness, this is about her health. He could end up getting them both killed because he's an irresponsible prick, and she NEEDS to know so she can go get checked out by a doctor.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 August 2012):
 You're right. He's putting her at grave risk, and you doing something about it is being a real friend.
You need to get ironclad proof together and not just tell her that he's cheating. Proof saves you from the "shoot the messenger syndrome" that makes being the bearer of bad news tough, but after you tell her, offer your support.
Remember, total proof is what you need!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): You should tell her whats going on and if she doesnt believe you say you can give her the websites name. I think it would be a good thing to inform her then she can deside what to do from there.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Send her the link to the site. I know I would want to know if I were at risk.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (1 August 2012):
 I would tell her. Chicks before dicks and all that!!! If it was happening to me, i would want to know...
Good luck :)
...............................
|
