A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months. I know that's a short time but I really care about him and am happy with him. Last night I was hanging out at his place and he went out with a couple friends to go eat. I wasn't feeling good and wasn't hungry so I didn't go. I decided to go on his computer and mess around and maybe watch some videos or a movie. Well his Facebook was open and logged in and honestly I went through it...I know that was a bad decision and I shouldn't of done it. I saw messages back and forth from him and his last ex girlfriend (someone he was with for over 2 years) and he said some really inappropriate things to her. He said I miss seeing your beautiful smile and your laugh, I miss seeing you happy, I just miss you, and I'll always love you. I never wanted to hurt you (he's the one who broke up with her) the exchanged 'love you's' with each other and that was the last of that. This was several days ago. I ended up asking him about it when he got home and he wasn't happy. We sat down and had a talk and he told me he loved me and wants to be with me, but honestly he still feels like he loves his ex girlfriend and is not over her yet. Now I know he still is upset about their break up and is still distraught but I didn't know he still loved her and had feelings for her. And for him to tell her he loved her? I think that's not okay I just don't know if I should continue with him at this point. He's tried to make me stay but how is he suppose to be 100% into me when he's missing someone else? I'm very confused. I like him a lot. He's 25 I'm 23. Do I give him a chance? He was honest with me but I feel it's still wrong what he did
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (20 April 2016):
 No, I wouldn't give him another chance. I agree completely with Honeypie. There are some people that just absolutely cannot stand to be alone. Its like they are terrified of not having someone and they jump from one relationship to another, never giving themselves time to heal, reflect and move on. They wind up hurting alot of innocent people along the way.
My ex husband is like this. He has been married and divorced 5 times now and will tell anyone that will listen that he never got over me and is still trying to find someone like me. I find that ridiculous and very sad. He will be cheating on his wife and then she finds out, files for a divorce and he is already planning his next wedding. He admitted to me that the idea of being alone "scares the hell out of him".
Your boyfriend wasn't over his ex when he started dating you and sadly he still isn't. Don't put yourself through the pain of wondering who is thinking of and who is first in his heart...find a man who will love you and only you....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): He still loves her? Pass! Next guy in line please, thank you for the memories, time to move along. Bye-bye
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): "I didn't know he still loved her and had feelings for her. And for him to tell her he loved her?"He doesn't love her. A guy will tell a girl anything she wants to hear if he thinks it will get him laid. Seems like he's cultivating her as a piece on the side/plan B/safety net. "He's tried to make me stay but how is he suppose to be 100% into me when he's missing someone else?"It's impossible. See above paragraph."Do I give him a chance? He was honest with me but I feel it's still wrong what he did."If you have so little self-respect, pride or dignity that you're willing to cling to a guy whom you know is a liar and very likely is a cheater, then go for it.And he wasn't being honest with you. He said what you wanted to hear to weasel himself back into your good graces, and now that he knows the next time you bust him all he has to do is make false proclamations of love and you'll let it slide he will be emboldened to go even further with his so-called ex.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 PS. Imagine if it wasn't his ex he was romancing, but a completely new woman. Then we'd all be calling him a cheater, no doubt. But somehow we think just because she is an ex she this is somehow okay? He's in a relationship and he's chatting up other women and declaring his love for them, for goodness sakes. Treat it for what it is without any excuses.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 April 2016):
He is not over his ex yet, so that means he is not ready to be in a new relationship with you.
Not that loving your former partner in itself is a bad thing. I can admit to still carrying feelings for several of my former boyfriends, because through time you become friends, you share something deep, you love them. Just because you can not be with them, or don't even want a relationship, doesn't mean the feelings just die.
But if his feelings burn so bright that he feels a need to TELL HIS EX about it, and talk in the manner that he did, which is called flirting, then it shows bright and clear he's not over her in the way he needs to be for a new relationship to have any chance.
Comfort yourself with knowing it was only 4 months of this farce. That he did not have you as his rebound for any longer than that at least. Just end things. Tell him if he means business about you, he can contact you again once he no longer feels a need to declare his love to his ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): Its too late. You have seen the evidence. How can you build a relationship knowing this. Its like trying to build a house on crumbling foundations. The more you build the harder the house will fall. Leaving him will hurt. Staying will hurt more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 April 2016):
 Here are some links to some of the other posts (some are from the EXES, but it's still the same scenario)
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-accept-ex-bf-has-a-gf.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-i-end-this-friendship-with-my-ex.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-insists-on-keeping-in-touch-with.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-ex-and-i-talk-about-reuniting-but.html
So you see, it's quite common for people who don't KNOW what they want to try and string along two people and they seem to think it's OK.. But I bet you, if THEY were the ones to be strung along they wouldn't accept it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 April 2016):
I wouldn't give him ANOTHER chance.
Maybe it took him a while to come to the point where he discovered he wasn't over the ex, but.. HE CHOSE to not tell you, so YOU would stick around... just in case.
You know in this week alone, I have seen 3-4? posts here in DC where guys AND girls are basically juggling the ex and a new partner. It seems like SOME people just aren't willing to BE single, they NEED to have SOMEONE, heck ANYONE to BE with to feel complete or whatnot. And to me that is so super selfish and shallow.
You are NOT doing yourself or HIM any favors by staying. What you had, HE choose to "cheapen" by flirting with the ex and keeping her around as a viable replacement option, in case YOU don't work out as he wants it to.
Right now, you are #3 on his priority, behind him AND his ex. And that just isn't right.
Of course he wasn't happy when you told him. While I am VERY much against invading a partners privacy - I'm even MORE against someone manipulating TWO people for HIS/HER own benefit.
And seriously, he wasn't HONEST with you. If he had been honest he would have TOLD you he still had feelings BEFORE you saw his Facebook. He "fessed" up because he got caught with his pants down and he couldn't really lie his way out of it.
My guess is he started dating before he was REALLY over the ex and now he is conflicted. Doesn't mean you weren't a good GF but he wasn't ready to date, which means the relationship he has had with you is a rebound more than anything. So HE wouldn't feel bad about the break up and so HE wouldn't be alone.
If I were you, I'd wish him well, cut the contact and work on moving on.
I think YOU deserve more than this, so does his ex.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 Okay so no he hasn't really been honest with you, because he never told you he still loves his ex girlfriend? In reality he should not be with you until he is ready to move away from his past. At the moment he is not over his ex girlfriend and if I am being honest sweetie it sounds like you are the rebound girl, it sounds like he is using you as a method to try and get over her. Maybe it will work and you can both be happy, or maybe a year or two down the line he will get tired of having feelings for his ex girlfriend and chase her and leave you heart broken.
In my opinion if this was me I would leave him before he could hurt me any more and give him a chance to be on his own to work out what he wants.
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