A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I've been struggling with this idea lately. I want to lose my vaginal virginity, but I know I probably won't get off so...How do I deal with not getting off but knowing the guy will?I could probably come from oral...But I still wouldn't be getting off from the sex, so why am I having it then? That's the Q that keeps running around in my mind. I'm...kind of just letting him F me for his sake right?This bothers me a LOT. I still want to try sex....
View related questions:
orgasm, vagina Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2016): I doubt you'll get any women to agree with you so I will. Women have sex because you won't get a bf or husband w/o doing it. That's totally true...and it makes me mad too that guys usually get off from sex so easy and it can be way harder for women.But I could have a solution! Everyone should google the A spot or deep spot. Then ask your guy to try to find it with his fingers first, unless you are really long up there. The A spot only shows up when you're really turned on and can take a good 15-20 minutes of sex to show up...but if you can find it the orgasms are badass. I don't know of any other way for women to orgasm from f^^ng aside from that.So to lose your V card, do it with a guy who cares at keast enough to last a long time. Or you could help him practice having a longer time, by googling male multiple orgasms. Its basically them on purpose, delaying their ejaculation but orgasming anyway, so they stay hard until their final real orgasm.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 Sex is good without an orgasm. But, if you don't think he will be interested in giving you oral, then don't do it with that particular man.
Btw, oral sex IS SEX TOO. You mean INTERCOURSE. Try to use the correct terms, because otherwise it comes out all wrong.
You would be getting off from SEX. You might NOT get an orgasm from INTERCOURSE. Intercourse is only one part of sex. He can start with giving you oral and making you orgasm, and then he can have his orgasm during the intercourse.
Oh, and I must repeat, intercourse is enjoyable even if you do not orgasm. The orgasm is rarely the end goal for us women.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2016): I don't orgasm through sex i can only do it by masturbating alone. I have discovered that if I masturbate shortly after having sex with my partner the orgasm is twice as strong,it obviously does stimulate me in some way even if i finish the job myself.I have sex because I enjoy this stimulation and closeness with my partner. If it was some random person that I didn't have any attachment too, then no it wouldn't do anything for me. I also like knowing that I am the only one that gets to do this with them,that is part of the appeal for me. Thus I am only intetested in a one on one faithful relationship. I don't feel used at all as I get these things out of it,orgasm is not the only bit to be interested in. I can do that myself, I can't have sex with myself though lol
...............................
A
female
reader, Ormskirk360  +, writes (20 April 2016):
 You seem to be of the opinion that the l purpose of sex is pleasure. It's not. The primary purpose of sex is to produce offspring. Pleasure is a nice bonus.
If you are assuming there must be a purpose to having sex, it's the primary one, needing, your question would then be, ' if im having protected sex, whats point in having sex at all?'
If this question sounds stupid, it's because it is. There isn't ONE reason only to have sex; there are MANY reasons. You are just too young yet to realise that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): Awe, Honey you young. Life ain't fair. Sooner you learn that the happier you'll be. And right now don't have sex because you don't get why people have sex yet. Maybe you get a little time of the distance on this, you start to get it. But right now with your attitude, it's going to be a disaster. There's a reason God made our arms long enough to reach our you know what's.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (19 April 2016):
 If certain kind of sex bothers you, then don't do it. It does not matter why such sex bothers you, nor does it have to be rational to another person. You can refuse sex for irrational reasons, and that is legitimate. Therefore, if vaginal sex is something you wish not to do, then don't. That is totally acceptable.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 April 2016):
 Life isn't fair.
That is a fact.
Sex is not JUST about the orgasm. If it was... Women would have stopped having sex eons ago.
Now IF you are EVER with a guy who refuses to do foreplay - to warm you up, so to speak then get up and get dressed, because he isn't looking to please you at all.
Consider that most of your pleasure nerve endings are in your clitoris NOT your vagina, the likelihood of achieving an orgasm or sexual pleasure from foreplay is significantly higher than from the vagina. It's the same in a sense for men, the tip/head is where the majority of nerve endings are at.
Let me explain it as basic biology.
Before a fetus develop a "gender" it is in essence female. The clitoris develop into a penis on males and stays the same in female. Which means your clitoris is equal to a guy's penis.
A guy DOESN'T have to be inside a woman to get off. And a woman doesn't NEED a penis to get off either.
And yes, you should BE an equal in bed. But you are still comparing apples (penis) to oranges (vagina).
A penis is NOT a magic wand.
And sex is NOT all about orgasms. At least GOOD sex isn't. With a GREAT partner. Someone who enjoys giving as much as getting. YOU might not find that in your peers (age group) because many boys your age is all about their limited experience and pre-conceived notions that they DO have a magic wand! Just look at porn (well, don't really) but they are in general all about the man. What he likes, what HE wants - the women are just props. THAT is not good sex.
While prehistoric man may NOT have used foreplay, who is to say he didn't? At least the guy the women WANTED to "breed" with?
You put too much emphasis on orgasm being the whole point of sex, it isn't. Procreation is. We are just lucky as a species to be able to have fun while conserving the species.
Relax for now. And don't have sex till you are ready to just "be" with someone.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 April 2016):
 You don't need to have an orgasm to actually enjoy sex. The thing is the sex itself should feel good, should feel satisfying and yes you can have an orgasm through sex. Your attitude to sex at the moment is wrong, but only because you have not experienced it, you think it is all for the guys benefit, but it is not, the girl gets great pleasure from it as well as long as she is relaxed. Yes foreplay to begin with helps a women be more lubricated so that it is pleasurable for her as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): And it's not about competition at all. I want the same as what he gets. To be equal. I guess in nature women may not be meant to orgasm from sex since prehistoric guys wouldn't have done foreplay. But just because it's technically natural doesn't mean I should be OK with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): Yeah guys need to orgasm for sperm to come out...except I'm not trying to get pregnant. I...I think I probably will have typical experiences with sex eventually. Like giving in and just doing everything in the heat of the moment with guys.
My problem is that yes I don't see it as fair. Would guys put up with only getting off from foreplay? And doing it over and over in a relationship and dealing with expectations...I just don't like the idea of that, even though being in love would be really cool. If I could just do foreplay only in my relationship I'd be totally happy. I love foreplay and giving it back so if my guy was happy too things would be great...but I've never met guys who would be OK with just getting bjs.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 April 2016):
The simple answer is NO, you are not being USED for sex if you don't orgasm. But you CAN be used for sex if you have sex with a guy who pressured you or who promised a relationship if you two have sex etc. Or if you don't really want to have sex, but think you should "because everyone else is"...
There is a reason people talk/write about foreplay. Because most women NEED that "warm up" and often achieve an orgasm from "just" that.
And there is a reason why masturbation is not something sordid or bad. It's a GOOD thing for a girl to know how to achieve an orgasm. And to know WHAT an orgasm feels like.
As for why some women fake it, I don't really know. I don't understand why a person would fake it. I presume some does it because IF they fake an orgasm the can get on with whatever they were doing. Or to please their partner.
However, by faking it, you are NOT pleasing your partner - you are teaching him to be a crappy lover, either for yourself or the next woman. If a guy thinks he is GREAT at what he is doing when he really is NOT, he isn't going to try harder or better, is he? He isn't going to take directions or suggestions, is he?
If a guys gets angry because the woman didn't orgasm then it's pretty clear he knows LITTLE about the female body. And he knows little about women. Considering that 80% of women don't get off from penetrative sex. I think guy like that, rely a little to much on "porn" to teach them, not realizing that porn... is not reality.
So don't fake it. Be comfortable in telling a guy if things don't feel pleasant and when they DO feel nice.
A GOOD BF, someone who is a keeper, will not just focus on the vagina, he will get the BIGGER picture. YOUR whole body.
For whatever reason it seems like most women have a much better chance of reaching an orgasm with someone they are not JUST physically attracted to, but already share a bond with. And I think that is why the whole orgasm thing is different from men.
While physiologically orgasms for men and woman require the same responses, heart rate goes up, blood flow to the genitals and it end with a "contraction" in the pelvic area. Women don't NEED to achieve an orgasm to be fertilized. MEN however NEED one to fertilize a woman. So there IS a difference here, albeit subtle.
I DO agree that most women don't get off their first time, but that doesn't mean sex can't be pleasurable. First times are awkward for both girls and boys.
Sex isn't a game of tit for tat. It isn't a competition.
If you are thinking it's just not "fair" then don't do till you find a guy you TRUST to BE with, physically and emotionally.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 April 2016):
 We say it because the men take it very personally if they can't make us orgasm via their penis.
It's stupid.
I would never fake an orgasm for a man. I would for me if the sex was going on forever and i was done being close to him and wanted him to have the pleasure and be done.
the constant pounding at a woman get her to orgasm while a guy thinks of baseball so he can hold back is so porny. (yes PORN-y) because that's NOT how woman will orgasm mostly.
So you think faking an orgasm is a way to keep a boyfriend?
that's wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): I mean, why do so many girls fake orgasms? Because they don't want the guy to know they're not orgasming...
And I'm not saying I wouldn't do that too if I wanted to keep my BF. But...that's why this decision is so important to me. I don't want to be struggling with all of these issues in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): The only people I've ever heard say that, have been women.
Guys on the other hand, either don't care, or they act like getting a woman off is the most important thing in the world. They get angry if they can't....but they usually get her off with foreplay and not sex, which is my issue I guess.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 April 2016):
It doesn't apply only to women. Mature men will understand. Boys/teens/young men may not.
who is telling you it's only about the orgasm?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): Well, my point is if it's not about the orgasm, then why do guys need to get off from it? Why does the 'not about the orgasm' part only seem to apply to women?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 April 2016):
Your question tells me that you are so not ready for sex.
SEX is not about the orgasms. If it was most women would not have sex as about 80% of us do not orgasm from penetration.
Of course "sex" is more than just putting a penis in a vagina.
Until you feel that need to be THAT close to someone just keep saying no.. if you wonder... if you THINK... if you question..that's good. but it's also no indicative of you being ready.
You have many many MANY years to "try" sex. It's not something magical that will make you an adult or give you answers....
if it bothers you, then you are not ready.
...............................
|
