A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think I might have over reacted.I was texting back and forwards with this guy I had not dated yet. Everything was going well until he made this comment ~i don't usually date girls like you, but you look decent~ when i asked him what did he mean by that? *he basically just said he does not date big girls (I am 5'9" and 12 stones). I am way bigger than the average lady so I can see why he would categorise me as a big girl, not a problem. However I did find the comment off-putting.After that I really want to keep chatting and not to take the comment too serious, so I decide to be forwards and just let it be known that his comment was quite inopportune.He then texted me a long asinine message about my clear self-esteem issues?? And according to him I read to much in to things and should sort out my confidence problems. This in any case is to the contrary, as I consider myself educated and decent looking.I replied: I don't have any self-esteem issues.He was not getting were I was coming from so I put an example: I said, if you had told a lady with small breast * i don't usually date flat chested girls* and if she had found that to be in bad taste it would be understandable, right? But turn it in to a weight thing and suddenly the problem is myself-esteem ( very cliché ).Yes, I can be a woman who like to study the intention behind the detail and I like to read it to things I am aware of that. Although I did think the comment was slightly inappropriate, I didn’t mean to make him feel blamed. I did think it was important I tell him not to say stuff like that, but it backfired and it quickly spiralled out of control, and started to turn in to an accusation of self-esteem issues.I want your honest opinion, did I over react?Thank you for reading this.
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male
reader, massage  +, writes (23 November 2013):
 He was a dick. He should've said he didn't mean that or something not make things worse...you don't want this kinda Drama.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 I don't think you over reacted. Where I think you went wrong was in explaining what shouldn't need to be explained.
Whether you're the most confident person or not, his comment was extremely rude. And worse if it was designed to create an imbalance in your relationship, new as it is.
If he had casually farted at the dinner table would you have even bothered to explain why this was rude?
Life is too short to waste it teaching nitwits how to behave in civilized society. Erase this clown from your memory and just move on.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 November 2013):
 You think his comment was *slightly* inappropriate? His comment was way off base. I wonder where people come off making such stupid comments. I would have been extremely put off by this guy. And then the comments he made to you about you needing to get more self esteem after you call him out on his rude comments? Please. You’re being way too generous and understanding of this guy. He’s an asshat. He's completely tactless and thoughtless. You should tell him you’re used to being with men with bigger penises. See how that goes over with him. When he gets offended, just tell him he needs to get more confidence.
B*tch, please.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): It reminds me this guy who told me that he ussualy doesnt date older women. I started laughing because from my point of view I looked even younger than him. When I asked him how old he was it appeared that I was only 1.5 year older than him. I told him that, and he was surprised that I was that old. Bit then I asked him what did he mean anyway by saying. Older women if he thought I was even younger than him. He said he ment older than he ussualy dates, like 10 years younger than him.
And this is exactly what I said: so, am I supposed to feel flattered that you are with me now?
Overall this guy was not a big catch anyway, miserable in bed, weird too.
No, you didn't overreact, he is a. Jerk
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Everyone, thank you very much for your answer, i must say, i am shocked at how much i agree with the answers, a lot of you have described in amazingly acquired detail what my initial feelings were.when he said to me i don't date girls like you...( and yes the comment was a bout my weight )to me he was trying to imply: ''in my opinion i can do better than you. just know that''is like a relationship hierarchy has been established, one where i am suppose to be bellow him and recognise at all times that he can do better than me, there for i am in a constant state of gratitude towards him for dating me, i did find it very insulting... but i needed to make sure i was no over reacting.well my last text to him went like this :this whole self-esteem lecture you provided me with, has nothing to do with me does it? this are pre-conceived notions you already had about big people, that we are all fat and unloved and have low self-esteem.i think i turned out to have more pride than my initial appearance would suggest to you, and i am not the lonely fatty you categorised me as, frankly i have lost interest.he has no replayed sense. ( that is why i needed to ask, because after sending that text i felt it was more about having my pride hurt than anything else, so i feared i might have over reacted )#once again thank you for your answer, i will continue my search, this has not deter me from keep looking, i do however seem to be attracting a lot of duchy men, so i think i am gone have to re think my whole persona.much love!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 November 2013):
No, he was a dick and probably doing one of those things where he tries to make you feel bad so you'll crave his approval. Your analogy was perfect and he's just not very clever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): Sorry, but I think the guy is a total jerk and a waste of your time. He spoke inappropriately to you.When you stood up to it; he dismissed his rudeness and flipped it around on you. Giving you a psycho-analysis like you're some daft desperate female he's doing some favor by talking to her.You were not overreacting, you were addressing a blatant insult. The guy is telling you that you should feel lucky he is showing you any interest at all!!! It's not just what he said, but all the very nasty insinuations behind it!I would end any further contact with that A-hole, and block him from my phone. He will never speak to you like a gentleman, he already shows you disrespect, and he has a personality that should be flushed down the loo! He's horrid!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): No you didn't overreact. He was trying to put you down. You don't say that to someone no matter the reason, "I would never date someone like YOU." Please. The one with issues is him. Don't talk to him anymore. You don't have to spell it out for him what he did. He knows very well what he did, it was purposeful and calculated. He was trying to make you feel like shit. And when you called him out of course he is going to deny it and turn it around on you. He can't come right out and say, "I have major self esteem issues myself and I get off on putting people down." Seriously, just ignore this guy. He is bad news. He is an emotional abuser. He is emotionally aggressive and for all you know it could turn into physical aggression.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Forget about the weight, but "You look decent " ? What kind of half - assed compliment is that , coming from somebody who is supposed to be interested in you ? Apparently this guy has never heard of " If you can't say anything nice, just don't say anything ".
No, you did not overreact. Although maybe the intention was not derogatory in his mind, he was just stating his truth, that he does not date big girls because he prefers petite girls, which is certainly not a crime, there's a time and a way and the right words to say anything, and he could not find them.
Do not wsste any time with people like him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): The guy's a fool.
First what did he think you'd give him a medal for being charitable enough to lower his standards to date a "big girl" like you? Because that's exactly what it sounded like when he said that in my opinion.
Second because you, as any normal woman would, are taken aback by his weight comment he throws that back on you as having low self esteem?
OP he very clearly has a very low opinion of you in that he pretty much sees you as an "insecure, fat girl". Forgive my bluntness but that's how he views you.
Seriously OP don't ever bother with a guy who says "I wouldn't normally date a defective woman like you, so you should feel lucky because I think you're special." Who then attacks you and your self esteem when you react badly to that.
I mean seriously, this is the very start of proceedings, you're still only texting and this is how he treats you? Holy shit imagine what he'd be like to date? Everything your fault, convinced that you're the crazy one with problems, you may even start to believe him if he says it enough times.
It's simple, you're only texting and already it's this heated and crappy. Time to move on OP, this "hero" for even considering you is either immature without a clue how women work or he's just selfish ass.
He'll only get worse either way and no you didn't overreact, you communicated with him your feelings and he threw them back ion your face.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): You didn't overreact.
I'm so sorry that you had see a comment like that in the first place, he was rude and inappropriate.
I think you did the right thing calling him out and HE overreacted because he realised he'd been an idiot.
Don't speak to him again and don't worry about it, you were in the right.
Good luck finding a nice, decent guy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2013):
 I agree with Honeypie. Weed him out.
YOUR reaction was not over the top but his was. His lecture to you on self-esteem is out of line for a casual "friend"
and it bodes poorly for his ability to be decent date material IMO.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 November 2013):
 I don't think you did, and I think your example was spot on.
He could have said tall girls, but he went with your overall size - as in weight.
Here is the good news though, this is a GREAT way for you to weed out guys like him. Because IF you did start date him he might bring it up more or suggesting you start to work out or whatever. And instead of TAKING to heart that what he said wasn't received well, he attacked you, so YET another reason to not talk any further with this guy.
He prefer smaller women (either shorter or skinnier - or both) and THAT is OK, but it doesn't mean that he HAD to mention or call you a BIG GIRL.
My guess is, the dude doesn't have any manners and didn't consider that what he said might NOT be taken as a compliment, but a slight insult. (I DO think he COULD have meant it as a compliment, but he is just poorly skilled at giving those out).
HIS LOSS.
One thing though, I think you should be proud that you didn't buy into his "you have low self esteem" thing he tried to pull, but instead explained yourself - WITHOUT attacking him. Just know that you can't fix stupid. Duct tape only goes so far.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): You didn't over-react.
The minute he said "I don't usually date girls like you" it was your indicator to MOVE ON.
It's great he was upfront and told it like it is, however, he hadn't even dated you yet, so perhaps a little decorum would have worked in his favour? Now he will never know. It's not about the outside, it's the inside that counts. A person can put on weight or lose weight very easily, but if that is what he bases his dating life on, move on player.
I would stop communication with him - why even bother? Wait for someone that looks at you, sees you shine with happiness (if you do) and gets to know YOU.
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