A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I married my wife when we were 20. I fell head over heals with her - nothing in the universe mattered. I was in the Marine Corps at the time and we never had money given the terrible pay. I was discharged in '90 and started my civilian career in IT, moved up the line and am now consultant. Now, my income is substantial in relative terms. We have 3 children.As my pay increase over the years, so was what I could afford for my wife and daughters. My joy was providing more for them (as any good husband/dad takes pride in).Now, my wife treats me as if I MUST do these things, she is "owed" all this. As time went on, she won't clean the house - she wants someone else to come in and do it. (I don't make THAT much money for a maid!), refuses to show ANY form a affection (i.e. she NEVER even comes up and gives me a hug or says "I love you". I have kept her in NICE cars, while I drive a crappy car. The other day when I said I need to take the car (good one) today as I need to meet clients, she got furious because she had to go to a doctors appt and was "allergic" to my car - after all, it's embarrasing to drive in! She has tried a couple times over the last 20+ years to get a job, but she always ends up getting fired because she's flat out dis-respectful to her bosses.As things were getting worse and worse from her (not like I'm working tons to try and give her more, do more for her, etc.) I thought - OK, maybe if I take her on a trip to overseas ($20,000 trip) - maybe that would help! No - was the trip from HELL! She treated me the WORST she EVER has. While I always get accused of everything (like "throwing away the paper she needed" - then to find out "oh, nevermind - I found it" only AFTER ranting and raving how terrible I am, how I'm lying that I DIDN'T Throw XYZ away, etc, etc) - THIS time on the trip she accused me of flirting non-stop with the other women on the trip - and how THEY would out to flirt with me non-stop and I'm too STUPID to see it (btw, I'm 43 and the other "women" were 70 on UP!). While on the trip I bought her an expensive present = Over $10,000 QUick little hug then immediately being treated like crap! I mean - Horrible! So right after getting back I said "Honey, that trip didn't go as planned. Let me take you to away again for a week! We'll go out, get you sexy cloths, night wear, etc. and have a romantic time for a week". Was an "OK" trip - but generally still treated like dirt / continual respect. So I said "Ok, what if we fly the kids out for another week, we can show them everything too! - that will be fun huh?" So, we did. All the same, more accusing.It's worse and worse and finally accused me of something despicable that I did not do.MY daughter said "She can't handle any more, she has to get out" and wouldn't say what it was. I took my daughter out and finally got her to tell me that it's all that Mom won't treat her as a 20yo, babies her, is in everything she is doing, etc. (that and she likes a boy in another city and wanted to go visit him but feels like "mom" will force her to hide that she wants to see him, or to visit). Still - again,wife falsely accused - but the wife said what? "When I find out what this is, I'm going to blow this up HUGE, and whoever it is that is did whatever is going to pay, is going to suffer" - oh, nice. That was before she found out she was WRONG - WILDLY WRONG! Now after, was there an "ummm, don't I feel stupid, can you please forgive me?" = no, there was NOTHING!Now she wants to get another job and what did she say "yea, I will open a separate account for my money" - oh, plus I imagine expect to spend all the money as usual in the other shared account (notice, I never ever opened an account for me, and I never gave her an "allowance" - she always had full / shared access otherwise I felt it was treating her as a child / disrespectful in a MARRIAGE to do such).Note: LAST time she got a job, she ALSO got an account, though I wad added to it. Oh and what did she do with the money? Help? Oh... no. She promptly spent it on thousands in Jewelry for herself (nothing for the kids for me - never crossed her mind). Then, decided to open a credit card - and she promptly maxed that on jewelry. THEN quietly pre-wrote thousands in checks to be paid montly payments for MORE jewelryNice.I need to figure out what to do. I'm thinking (as I have a consulting business):1. Open a separate secret account (HATE TO!) - her name on it in case of my death or some emergency - but she would not know unless then.2. Have an account pay me from the secret account a certain amount as my paycheck - leaving the rest in the secret account3. Stop letting her pay any bills. Under the guise of trying to "rapidly pay off bills, buy a house" I'm going to assume complete control of ALL finances.4. Ensure the amount the accountant is paying me is JUST enough to pay the bills, with a little left over for maybe occasional eating out / movies (noting she is a stay at home now that won't clean OR cook - we have to eat out EVERY night for food - especially since she can't find time somehow to even grocery shop, so I have to so the kids can have milk and cereal, etc. or there would be nothing. And I spend time cleaning or we would be knee deep in filth)I have NO idea how to deal with the non-stop disrespect though. I believe #1 thru #4 should help with helping her re-focus her energies vs being a spoiled brat. The "being taken for granted" thing HAS TO STOP!
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (13 May 2012):
 Yes you should set up a seperate account in private. Open a P.O.Box so the bank statements can go there as well. You need to protect your business from bankrupcy. And you probably should sit her down and simply tell her you are fed up with her disrespectful behavior and think it would be a good idea to start going to counseling or church or something. She seems you as a doormat because you keep throwing more money at the problem and she keeps acting like a bitch. If she refuses to go to counseling, save up your extra money and move out for a trial seperation. I suspect she has fallen out of love for you, and is just using you for the "goods" you provide to keep her in a cushy lifestyle. You need to start paving the way so you can survive without her. Maybe somewhere along the way she will change but I suspect this is just her personality and maybe because you were gone earlier in your marriage you didn't get to know the real her until later. Whatever you do, protect yourself. Do whatever you can to preserve what you have worked so hard for. A messy divorce will be likely since she only cares about herself and her own gravy train.
A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (13 May 2012):
 I don't think its going to get better. you have inadvertently set up a pattern of behaviour that has undone you. its not your fault or hers but a product of the relationship. you ccould seek counselling but I'm not sure it would work. give it a try. you have to be with people who respect you for what you really are. tell her that. I was like you and I am still the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): why doesn't your wife respect you? what is it about you that she doesn't respect? have you, all these years, been emotionally unavailable to her? many women need to feel that their husband cares, by him listening and being there providing emotional support. YOu may show your love by providing for her, but if you've been emotionally distant then she's not feeling that love which could be why she's tired of the relationship but recognizes that the benefit from it is the money.another possibility is that she never really loved you at all and was with you all the time for the money. You didn't always make this much, but many women just want a man with a steady paycheck to provide for them. the fact that you ended up making a lot of money was just an added bonus for her and has spoiled her.if she has repeatedly failed to hold down a job of her own because she keeps disrespecting her bosses, then I suspect the problem originated with her and her attitudes to life. She's entitled and spoiled. But unfortunately YOU have also contributed towards making her worse because for 20 years you've been spoiling her. you should set some firm limits with her. don't throw money at her anymore. Demand respect. If she doesn't respect you, then you move out.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 May 2012):
 You are now a cash machine for your wife. The respect is gone. The relationship sounds dysfuntional. To be accused of something despicable that you did not do just does go to show the depths of disrespect your wife accords you.You have reached the pinnacle of your career. You have access to funds. Get yourself (Quietely) to a high level qualified Life Coach who is also a highly qualified psychologist. You need to treat this like a project as you would any other problem in your business life. Because done right your life could improve. Done wrong and your wife will try to ruin you in every possible way, especially financially. Also consult a highly qualified Accountant (Quietely again) and in conjunction with an Attorney skilled in Trusts (Quietly again)Start protecting your assets so that your own children do not end up penniless.Get your Will re-drafted so that your wife if given support through an income stream but no access to capital. This is only because she had proved to be irresponsible with money - and you need to protect the future for your children.In all your decisions factor in that you may remarry and you may have other children to provide for. You may even want to provide for unborn grand children.You need very high level advice. Obtained entirely separate from your wife. And very quietly put in place a range of things to protect the future. You are at the moment living with a women who in a court would be called a 'Hostile Witness' and who does not have your interests at heart.Your children should be kept out of all this. YOu cannot consult with your children about the things you need to do to protect their future.Get your life coach to concentrate on improving your own Confrontation Skills, your own Assertive skills when dealing with your wife. At the moment you are a pushover. That may be part of the reason your wife shows you no respect. STOP throwing money at your wife. What does she do for you?Except Control you and throw GUILT trips your way.You are in a War Zone in your own home. and in your own marriage. As such you need to proceed with caution. You cannot confide in your wife nor (sadly) your children until you get your life in better order.After you have sorted out your life with the professionals above, only then you may proposed Marriage and Couples Counselling. If your wife refuses to even try then your next visit will need to be to a Divorce lawyer (Again QUIETLY) until everything is in place. Get your own house in order, your finances, your trusts, your will, and the future of your children. Learn how to negotiate with your wife effectively even though she is out of control.The Gifts need to stop. Clearly present make no difference at all.If you shoot your mouth off too early and reveal the actions / strategies above before every thing is stitched up tight and effectively, then all I can say is Good Luck, but your wife will RUIN you.You are an intelligent but far too passive husband and far too dutiful husband. Your wife is penalizing you for your niceness and your passive approach.Saying NO to your wife is not wrong. Not in this instanceGood Luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 May 2012):
 I noticed something when I was reading what you wrote. She's spoiled, materialistic, and does take you for granted, which is clear and apparent if what you're saying is true. I want to make it clear that nothing I'm about to say excuses her, nor gives her a pass, nor is "taking her side", because frankly, I despise that sort of behavior in people. I mean, I really REALLY hate the "pampered poodle" syndrome.
However, you're doing something you're not seeing which could have contributed to this behavior becoming so entrenched. You tried to "fix" things with your wife by buying things for her and taking her on vacation. You showed your love by buying things for your wife, your family, keeping her in the nice car while you drove a clunker. This can cause the problem when your affection is shown through money as a substitute for emotional intimacy.
She has gotten spoiled and ungrateful. But now that you're at this point, you have to go forward. Face the fight head on, tell her you're paying the bills from now on OR you're getting a separate bank account for your funds. Plain and simple as that. If your household doesn't run with separate bank accounts (some don't, and if it's agreed upon, it's okay!), then if she's demanding separate stuff, tell her it goes both ways, and give her a tally of her shared responsibility in utilities, mortgage, etc, tailored to her percentage of earnings. I.E. If her earnings are 30% of yours, give her her obligations for 30% of the bills. Seriously, it's not going to work if you have to maintain the house, yet she gets to blow her money. This is not a marriage.
You also need to stop fixing things with money. You're avoiding the talk with her, and avoiding a fight with her. She has a strong, I'm guessing a pushy or overbearing personality when it comes to things she wants, and you give in to keep the peace and avoid conflict. I'm guessing that in the past, she uses silent treatment or haranguing to wear you down.
You have to stand your ground on this. If she wants separate bank accounts, she's still responsible to a percentage of bills. You both can have spending money. Not fair that you work for everything, yet she is selfish.
You have to stand up for yourself, sir. You're a Marine. You can be the first to charge, but the last to face your wife and stand up for yourself?
However, this didn't happen overnight. This has been creeping up for years. It's like rust and corrosion on a car. You need a professional to step in. You need marriage counseling with your wife, and you need to insist on it now. Tell her plainly that your marriage is in serious jeopardy, and that you need counseling before it ends miserably for the both of you.
In counseling, a professional can help both of you express how you're feeling about the state of things, and they can break through all of that circular go-nowhere conversation and arguments that you're doing right now. Right now, you say the same things, get mad, silent treatment, sulking, avoiding, bullying, pushing, everything that happens, and nothing goes anywhere. Blaming, deflecting, throwing every little past incident in your face from the last 20 years...you need a counselor to get past that bullshit (pardon my language).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): wow she sounds nice ;-) it seems as if you are nothing but a walking cheque book to her. You seem to be a genuine, caring and generous person but dont you think that you deserve better than this????
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