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Boyfriend ignores me for computer games, should I be upset?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 May 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 8 June 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi,

I feel like this is a bit of a strange question and I'm not sure if I am allowed to feel this way or not. Hopefully you can shed some light for me.

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years and recently moved in together 3 years ago.

I feel like my boyfriend is addicted to coop online video games and I feel jealous and upset. Every day I come home and he is already playing the game. He answers the door, says hi and goes back up to his gaming room. I make dinner and he tells me he will have it later and doesn't matter if I've made it and serving now. So I eat on my own. He comes down around 9pm or 8pm and watches a mutual tv show with me and sometimes squeezes in another game before bed. From time to time he does all nighters during the weekend, especially if I'm away staying with family.

I don't feel like I have anything in common with him anymore and I'm starting to wonder if I even love him. I'm getting to that point where I need to think about settling down and having a family, but I'm not sure I want to with him now as I feel very left out and alone.

I've tried talking to him many times and even asked him not to play his game for a week or even 2 nights a week, but he still does it. He turns it on and says 'I'm not playing competitively so it doesn't count'. I've told him if it's on, then it's on, but I'm just ignored.

If I'm sitting next to him and ask him questions or want to talk to him then I'm ignored and he can't talk to me because he needs to concentrate on his game.

I hear him laughing and shouting with these other people all the time and I don't feel like we ever have fun like that or he doesn't try to. He never wants to leave the house and barely ever go on dates or even out somewhere at the weekend. I've nearly got to the point I'm just running away to see family at the weekend when I can because the alternative is sitting in the house with him on the computer.

Am I unreasonable? Is this just personal space I need to give him and find some other hobbies myself or should I expect more quality time from him? Do people actually have fun with their partners after 10 years or is it meant to just be hum drum?

View related questions: jealous, moved in, video games

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom + , writes (8 June 2018):

BettyBoup agony auntI came across a website that has good advice... http://www.techaddiction.ca/boyfriend-husband-addicted-to-video-games.html

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom + , writes (23 May 2018):

BettyBoup agony auntI tried answering this question earlier, but my answer has not appeared. So I will try to answer it again as best as I can. ..

I've been where you are. I could have written your question 10 years ago when I was with a man for 3 years who was obsessed with computer games. The online, multiple player, shooter games. He'd spend as much free time as he could on those things.

I would sit in the same room as he played games. He'd barely talk to me. He'd be howling with laughter down his headset, having a whale of a time with these blokes he played with. I'd be sat there watching TV.

I felt lonely and craved his attention. But he didn't give me enough, because games were more interesting to him. It sucks to be in that kind of relationship. I left in the end, and although I loved him, the relationship we had was pointless.

If he hasnt changed in 10 years, he probably won't. Give him a period of time to change, and tell him what you need from your relationship with him and make it clear you are prepared to walk if he cannot give you what you want and deserve. If that doesn't prompt him to spend more time with you, then I would leave. You will find someone else who will treat you better. I did. My partner loves to play games, but if he knew that I felt lonely wanted to hang out, he'd drop anything to spend time with me and have fun with me. You deserve that too.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntNo, you're not unreasonable. The real question is why do you stay? Do you feel like you can't find someone else? Do you feel like he's the best you can do?

I know ending a long relationship is easier said than done, but this relationship is going nowhere fast and you're very unhappy and alone. What you have now is what your future life will be, only you'll feel even more sad and alone than you do now. Could he change? Yeah, it's possible, but it's not likely, and not until you leave him, and who knows if that will even work.

Think about it. You deserve better.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (18 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntIf he really and truly wishes for your relationship to survive the long haul, then he is going to have to make a change here.

He is with YOU, he is not SINGLE and if he wants to play games day and night, night and day, then he shouldn't be in a relationship, it's as simple as that.

It's absolutely fine for him to spend daily time doing what he loves and even alone.

Every single person requires their own "time out and personal space".

HOWEVER, he is simply abusing the time you both ought share together and i'm wondering, does he even care?

If you are feeling so bothered and annoyed by his behaviour/obsession, then do demand his attention and have a serious, calm and logical chat with him, about your overall thoughts/feelings.

One thing is for sure, if this continues ongoingly, which i suspect it will, then your relationship is doomed.

With all due respect, the way things currently are, you guys are already halfway there.

If you try everything humanly possible, yet nothing changes, then you may have to think about the purpose of continuing with this relationship.

Your bf is being very selfish and is coming across as very self focused and self absorbed.

It appears to be all about him, but what about you/the two of you??

He is obviously so obsessed and he's in head deep.

The best balance would be, for him to spend half of his time doing what he wants/loves and spending the other half of his time with you.

It's not really about the "order", but about the making of "time" for you both.

I don't know if your bf works, however, if he does, then you must also take into account the time he spends working, vs gaming vs spending quality time with you.

Right now, the latter doesn't even exist.

You bf needs to work on that.

Your bf should at least try to make a positive change by eating dinner with you.

Stats often show, that those who eat together, have much better communication and relationships overall.

Chatting over dinner, would also bring you closer together and give you both a chance to communicate about daily events and your respective thoughts/feelings.

Why don't you ask him to join you for dinner daily and let him know that you are no longer taking "NO AND ISOLATION" for an answer, or that you WON'T ACCEPT and ALLOW him, to eat "after" you.

To answer your question, about enjoying/having fun in each others company after 10 years, of course!!

If you truly love and enjoy your partners company, then the number of years doesn't matter at all and in fact, the longer you're together, the stronger your bond will become.

My parents are about to celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary and all i can see, are two people who've grown in their love over the many years they've been together, even through their ups/downs.

They still have much fun together and they're still very young at heart.

I'm sure there are many couples who can relate.

It's not only about the number though, but the quality too.

TALK TO HIM ASAP.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

I get the same, look up 'Girlfriend smashes Xbox' on Yout*be... and all the other videos. You are not alone. You may also get good ideas from these videos. Or just show them to your BF and threaten him :-)

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI play online games, usually WITH my husband, though he tend to play longer hours than me. But I don't prioritize the game and online gamer friends over my family. EVER.

I DO think you should expect more quality time from him, more time in general. I do think it's fair that he can play his games as well, but if this is a 7 days a week thing for him... then WHY have a GF at all? If he doesn't want to leave the house what the point in being with you?

Someone trying to chat over your game is annoying, quite frankly. And that won't get you anywhere. And him playing all weekend when you are away, what's the issue there? You expect him to sit on his hands while you visit family?

I think if I were you, I'd start socialized away from the house with your friends, go hang out, cook outs, find a gym so for a month or two BE SO busy you practically IGNORE him. That means no cooking for him, no being available when HE wants to hang out.

Take that month or two to figure out what you really want. See if he even notices.

HE IS NOT going to change his ways. THIS is how HE socialize. And you are NOT included. Can you really see a future here? What if you had a child? You would be doing all the work, cooking AND childcare.

So why not be single and see what else is out there?

I can see if he was in his early 20's and single, this would be fine OR if he was making money off this (like reviewing/playing various games) or if you BOTH played.

Does he even notice when you are gone for the weekend?

You ask if people still have fun with their partner after 10 years, OF COURSE! Even after 20. While my husband and I have different hobbies, we ALSO do things together.

What do YOU get out of this relationship?

Someone to share your bills with?

Do you two still have a sex life? And if you do, is THAT also on his terms?

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (17 May 2018):

DarrellG agony auntNo you most certainly are not being unreasonable. Personal space is important in relationships but not to the exclusion of the actual partnership.

Put simply, he is an addict. Just because it is not drugs or alcohol does not make it any less corrosive to your relationship and to him and like any other addict he puts his fix before anything else. I play games for escapism but I am lucky if I get one hour a night, done in moderation there is absolutely no problem with them but this has gone way past the point of moderation.

You need to confront his behaviour and get him to make the first step all addicts need to make and admit he has a problem. He must be excluding others like his family, his friends, maybe you could do a united intervention but something has to be done as this is clearly sapping you as well and driving you deep into a hole of depression.

If he wont then you have to be prepared to leave him for your own good and for his good as well in the long run, maybe this will be the kick up the backside he needs if you do end up leaving. Stay strong and good luck.

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A female reader, DancerGirl1984 United Kingdom +, writes (17 May 2018):

He is not respecting the order of the home by isolating himself with his gaming.

This is disrespectful to you and the relationships. Give him an ultimatum. Give you time or leave.

Simple as that.

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