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I don't think this party girl is girlfriend material. Should I break up?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 May 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 20 May 2018)
A male United States age 30-35, *s77 writes:

I'm 32 years old my girlfriend is22. We're dating for four months and I still have doubts about her if she is gf material to me. Bottom line is she's a party girl, to me a girl who likes to party and drink and have sex with a lot of dudes is not good for a healthy relationship.

Of course, I won't be a hypocrite, maybe this is double standards because I've had casual relationships, I've went out to nightclubs before, got drunk etc, had one night stands, I even had sex with her classmate and best friend before we were together.

But I still think women are worst than men, I believe she's done more than me and this bothers me, I even got almost sick when I saw her social media photos of her in nightclus and drinking with her girlfriends, male friends. I'm thinking about breaking up because I just don't think I can have a real relationship anymore!

Jealousy and insecurity is killing me, this always happens when I'm in a relationship, when I'm only hooking up, having casual sex etc I don't suffer from this. So I think I should dump her and hookup with a lot of girls no emotional attachment, better for my health.Should I break up? What advice can you give me?

View related questions: best friend, drunk, one night stand

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (20 May 2018):

Dionee' agony auntYou seem very immature for your age and I'll tell you why:

In a world where women have fought for equal rights to live as men have been since the beginning of time, you CANNOT have a misogynist and sexist point of view. In today's world it's possible for someone of any gender to date someone who has more sexual experience than they do and you seem extremely insecure and green with envy. Since you're a man who feels that he deserves to be loved after all of his sexcapades, do you feel that it would be okay for you to be looked at in the same way that you look at her? Would you be okay with a woman looking at you like "eww his past is too much even though I've done my fair share of partying and bullshitting, I now want someone decent and I should have that even though that is not who I am". It's a double standard. Honestly. Maybe you should have remained a virgin if you knew that you'd want to eventually marry someone with the moral code and virtue of a nun.

I feel like you should break up with her because both of you are immature, number one and number two, both of you are in completely different phases of life. It isn't fair of you to require her life to end for you and her life shouldn't have to end because you want it to. Leave the girl be and run off to do as you please as well but after you've done raking up another few girls for your list, don't project your insecurities onto the next girl when you're done having your fun once again. It's immature and just plain wrong. From now on, go for someone more your speed and don't hold others to a standard that you, yourself, have not lived up to.

Good luck.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (18 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntI haven't got a huge amount to say here, bec it's all been covered wonderfully by other readers.

You are really NO DIFFERENT to your younger gf.

The age difference, i personally think/feel is the real issue here, bec you're both at different stages of your lives.

Interestingly though, you are 10 years older than your gf, yet you behave pretty much exactly as she does.

At least she is only 22, so this is typically normal behaviour at her age.

You really should be growing up by now, thinking more maturely and not still thinking about having "Casual hook ups" with much younger women.

Why don't you try dating a woman of similar age to yourself?

What, do you somehow think/assume that "older/more mature" women are somehow not good enough to date?

There are many older women, who are as sexy, as gorgeous and as full of life as much younger women, not to mention, bec of their "maturity", are much wiser and more stable.

I may be wrong, however, if i'm not, then don't be so ignorant/narrow minded about age alone.

If you want a more serious, stable and more quality filled relationship, then you will have to date an older woman.

A woman who has more in common with you.

There aren't "too many" 22 year old women, who would wish to marry and settle down straight away, with a man who's a decade older.

You need to start thinking and making more "appropriate" decisions as to your future and the more "sensible" choices you ought make.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntYou wrote:

"to me a girl who likes to party and drink and have sex with a lot of dudes is not good for a healthy relationship."

Well yeah captain obvious, if she's still doing that stuff while being in a relationship with you, yeah, that's not good. But I get the impression that she's never cheated on you and you're just holding her past against her. If that's the case, then it's bullshit for you to do that to her.

Then you wrote:

"Of course, I won't be a hypocrite, maybe this is double standards..."

Well, if you're applying a double standard then you're being a hypocrite so...

Double standard ENGAGE:

"But I still think women are worst than men"

Worse than men how exactly? Do you mean that it's worse for a woman to sleep around than a man? That's bullshit too! It's more RISKY for a woman to sleep around than a man because a woman can get pregnant and a man can't, but it's not any more our less immoral. The morality of promiscuous behavior should be the same for both men and women, however, women get unfairly treated as if their promiscuous behavior is way worse than a man's equally promiscuous behavior. Whatever moral value you put on promiscuous behavior, it should be applied equally to any person that engages in it, and also applied equally to yourself when you engage in it.

And the hits keep coming:

"I believe she's done more than me and this bothers me"

So, it would be OK with you if you were more promiscuous than her? Are you serious with that shit?

Followed by:

"I even got almost sick when I saw her social media photos of her in nightclus and drinking with her girlfriends, male friends."

So, pictures of her partying with other girls and guys makes you sick? Why? Was she having sex with all of them in those pictures? Or, are you just assuming that she had sex with the guys later that night? But, let me guess, pictures of you partying shouldn't make her sick. Am I right? Yeah. Hypocrite much?

And here it is:

"Jealousy and insecurity is killing me, this always happens when I'm in a relationship, when I'm only hooking up, having casual sex etc I don't suffer from this. So I think I should dump her and hookup with a lot of girls no emotional attachment, better for my health."

So, you think you should be able to act in EXACTLY the same way that you hold against females, but it's OK for you because - reasons. Yeah, you're an extreme hypocrite douche.

Lastly:

"What advice can you give me?"

Uh, I don't know, maybe stop being such an extreme hypocrite douche? Maybe grow the hell up? Maybe start behaving responsibly? Maybe don't date girls that party if it bothers you so much?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe you should STOP trying to date someone who is STILL trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. Being a "party girl" at 22 is not unheard of. A YOUNG woman of 22 is not mature, not sure what she wants. Her focus in life is having fun and learning how to adult.

For you at 32 to think you can somehow sit in judgement over her because YOU don't think women should do these things is ridiculous.

ACCEPT that you and her are NOT a good match. You are at different stages of life, you have different VALUES, MORALS and STANDARDS.

And maybe you TOO should GROW up and date women you own age, someone you have more in common with when it comes to lifestyle, thoughts on relationships and sex.

You are 32... aren't you getting a little "old" for only being able to handle casual sex? Or is that how you see yourself? Someone who doesn't want more out of life than a string of casual sex partners?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

Age gap. She's younger than you and also probably a little more liberal due to the decade difference in mindsets.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 May 2018):

N91 agony auntEdit:

If she wants to date casually then so be it, what’s wrong with that? She’s enjoying herself and certainly doesn’t need to be judged by someone that’s self admittedly done the exact same things.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 May 2018):

N91 agony auntEnd it.

You’re absolutely not compatible, you should be able to see that from reading your own post. You’re right about the double standards, you’ve done all the things she’s currently doing and have the cheek to say you think she’s not worthy. Maybe she doesn’t see YOU as relationship material considering you’ve slept with one of her friends.

If she wants to date casually

You need to date someone your own age. Someone who’s likely to have settled down more and left the partying lifestyle behind as it’s clearly not for you.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (17 May 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt I don't know about your health , but for the girl's health yes, it's much better if you break up. Poor girl, there's nothing worse than being with someone who spits in the plate where he is eating. It's not the first time you post about this girl- so , while you are secretly feeling contempt for her and knowing that she is not a "nice " girl by your standards, you are still bonking her and still showing her off around, I suppose.

This must be a case of " I love you, you are perfect- now change ". Maybe I am reading too much into your age difference, but soimehow I doubt that what attracted you to her was her brilliant mind or deep culture. You liked her because she was young, sexy , hot and fun loving. Now she is still young, sexy, hot and fun loving- but she does not measure up to your standards . Well, of course you have the right to have any standards you want in selecting your mate . But , if your ideal girl is a quiet, reserved, serious, non promiscuous, non drinking girl- then why did you bother to get into a relationship with a girl who's the total opposite ?? Rhetoric question : I think I know why. You were thinking only with your lower head ; which is rather usual, Ok- nonetheless it makes you as shallow and frivolous as her.

So, yes, you should let this one go, she may be too vivacious for your taste but still does not deserve being strung along. As for the next relationships- I'd say it's rather simple. You know what ypu want and what you don't want in a partner, so it's not a matter of avoiding any emotional atatchment, but of choosing wisely , among people who might have the qualities that you require and appreciate.

If you don't want a girl for whom clubs and bars are a second home- choose one who goes to the theatre or to the ballet instead .If you don't want someone who gets smashed every night, choose somebody who does not drink, or just drinks moderately. If you want more than some cute airhead who lives to Instagram her life, - choose someone who has more interesting hobbies than social media . And so on and so forth.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 May 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntOnly one piece of advice for you: grow up.

You have CHOSEN a girlfriend (we assume nobody FORCED you to date her) who is 10 years younger than you (so at a very different stage in life to you) and who, like many her age, enjoys partying and socializing with her friends. You obviously make a habit of pursuing much younger women (having already had sex with her friends before her).

Cut this girl loose. She doesn't deserve to be judged and looked down on. Then take a good look at yourself and decide where you are going with your life. Are you just going to keep dating young women in their 20s and then dumping them because they are popular and have friends and a social life? As you age, women in their 20s will simply not be interested in someone your age and what will you do then?

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