A
female
age
51-59,
*unnerGal
writes:Will try to be brief :-) SOme history:Im 43, BF is 48- we are both divorced and in a solid trusting relationship for past 6 months. Knew each other 3 years as friends so good foundation. BOth very happy. We live separate for now and everything is dandy.....Boyfriend is a Physical Therapist. (20+ years) Has a married female patient who is 10 years older who he has seen for 5 years due to a minor stroke. He sees her once a week. He used to see her in his clinic. For past 3 years he goes to her home as its easier for her. Over time, it morphed into having lunch at her place. He used to do this because he was single and it didnt matter and he wasnt accountable for his actions, he was being professional and he needed to eat- he hates eating on the run. This woman likes to buy him gifts. She writes him cards that are very heartfelt and signs them with "lots of love" She makes his lunch every appt. She talks about her personal life and how she is unhappy in her marriage. She shows up to every single one of his concerts (he in in a symphony), and e mails him and texts him pretty regularly (tho its mostly PT stuff she gets personal and rambles on and on)My BF has been firm with boundaries. Keeps it to PT and tries to not engage. SInce he went thru a divorse he did chat with her a bit since he was depressed in his life and they did spend 2 hrs together, conversation can happen in PT. Has asked her repeatedly to stop buying him stuff but she insists. She bakes him treats, buys him art work, gives him trinkets. She keeps asking to take him to dinner for his birthday, he keeps declining, she keeps asking. In past, when he was single, he did go to her house for St Patricks day dinner. Happened once. He doesnt have a lot of freinds, was pretty lonely. :( Poor guy. Anyway....BF genuinely wants to help her, he is a fantastic PT and has sort of fallen into this rut of dealing with the "awkwardness" for the sake of the PT.Her behavior bothers me. I trust him completely. This isnt a trust issue. It slightly bothers me he wont push back harder. We finally had a pretty heated civil discussion about how it makes me uncomfortable, that her motives rub me the wrong way and I wish he could open his eyes, and I tried to help him and he did see some of this. He agreed to stop the lunches and just does the 2 hrs of PT once a week. She cried. I told him she has an inappropriate crush, that women who talk to other men about their bad marriage are looking for saving or attention. SHe needs attention. PT has a way of forming an emotional connection, that exists and I understand that. She confesed to using him to fill voids in her marriage when he e mailed her the new boundary of not having lunch anymore and just doing PT. That response sorta wierded him out (a kind of "i told you so") He makes good money seeing this woman every Wednesday and he can keep it just PT, so I cant ask him to discharge her. She NEEDS PT, and he can do the PT. Or can I?WOuld any of you feel odd about some other woman basically pursuing your BF even if it isnt a threat its a principal. Quit using my BF to fill your life, fill it with something else. What would you do to be ok with this? I want to be ok with it, I dont want to be the one to make him discharge her. Tho he would do it for me, he would. I want to feel ok and ethical and right if he were to do so. The boundaries are blurred, I want him to give off an ethical image of who is, a doctor of PT, respected and damn good at his trade, and send her to a colleague. Thoughts? Is this wacky behavior or am I nuts? Thanks for readingR
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): I wish you luck with this one, the situation is similar to mine but my BF is trying to help a mutual friend with her psychiatric problems.
However we are not professionals & I have now suggested we both back off & leave her to the professional help my BF has arranged for her.
You are lucky in that you completely trust your BF whereas I am not sure about mine, he seems obsessed with this woman & will not leave her alone even though I have pointed out how uncomfortable it is making me feel. He says he is withdrawing his support slowly whereas I am not sure; it is affecting our relationship.
Your relationship sounds a lot more solid but you do have the ethical dilemma that we don't. I hope for your sake that your BF sees the error of his ways and refers this lady to another PT. That way the 2 of you can get on with your lives and the older lady will hopefully find the emotional support she needs from other sources.
Good Luck, my friend!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): I work in the medical field and in my contract I am not allowed to take gifts of any sort's, this would include dining out lunch etc. If I am honest, I think bounderies are been broken here, she is still his patient.
I am not saying this is wrong but in patient sense, it is.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 He has breached an ethical code by mixing business with personal with a patient.
Clearly this person is emotionally vulnerable. ANY doctor, or similar, needs to keep his or her relation with clients strictly professional and about work.
You say your BF has been firm with his boundaries but clearly that's not the case. If she is turning up at ever one of his concerts then how did she know where and when he plays? Turning a professional visit to a vulnerable client into a dinner date was foolish and naïve.
I appreciate that he needs to eat on the run but surely he could eat in his car or manage to find time for a proper break? By law, at least in the EU, everyone has the right to a break if they work over so many hours a day.
The minute this women started emailing him with private messages, talking about her failed marriage, etc your BF should have asked a colleague to take over.
He should have seen that this woman was developing a crush on him and taken steps to avoid damaging his reputation as a professional, his marriage and his clients emotions.
I can understand how a friendship can be formed over time in such circumstances, but this is a vulnerable woman emotionally. Her actions are not that of a rational person. His actions have lead to her sending gifts by the score, turning up to every concert and basically stalking him.
Putting the circumstances and professional conduct to one side, I can appreciate that you feel hurt and concerned. I have lots of long term, close female friends and my partner is happy with this. However if one of them started emailing too many personal messages and sending cakes, gifts and god knows what to me my GF would not be happy.
My previous GF was a care worker. Twice she transferred to other patients because they were, as she put it, "trying to get too close". Continuity of care is very important, but so is the well being of the patient and the importance of professionals not being perceived as taking advantage or step over the line.
I know this client needs her treatment and is happy in your BFs presence but her behaviour tells us that she is likely to be emotionally damaged by this continued friendship. She is turning up at every concert, spending so much time making gifts and clearly thinks about him a lot. In her vulnerable state she needs a female PT and maybe councelling. For your BF to continue this friendship would probably be detrimental to her emotional wellbeing.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I am not sure of the ethics involved but if you trust him and what bugs you is HER behavior there is not much you can do.
5 years is a long time for PT which I have done over and over and it rarely lasts more than 6 months. It seems that this woman needs to transfer to an OT more than a PT or an RT even...
Clearly your bf likes the attention he gets from her even if it's just friendship... otherwise he would have nipped this in the bud.
If you trust him, then what's the issue, she's a 58 yr old housebound (basically) disabled lady who likes a guy who she feels connected to.
He's had more of a relationship with her than with you and if you two break up (6 months is not a long time to be dating) he will go right back to being her lunch date etc. She would not know to go to his concerts if he had not told her about them... consider that the situation is going both ways here.
he's ending this friendship based on your demands... when he misses her and she's upset who do you think he will blame?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (14 May 2014):
 The bottom line here is your boyfriend is a medical professional and this woman is his patient which makes her off limits in ANY personal capacity.
Far from being firm, he`s been foot loose and fancy free with the boundaries, beginning with sharing too many personal details about himself which led to their going for lunch together. Since then she attends his concerts, he`s had St. Patrick`s day dinner at her home and he`s leaned on HER for emotional support during his divorce.
To say that a intimate bond with a PT is inevitable would be granting a free pass to medical doctors, surgeons, psychiatrists and psychologists to become personally involved with their patient/clients as well.
OP, your boyfriend's behaviour has been totally unprofessional and unethical and his continued involvement with her inappropriate, especially now that he sees she's has grown too attached to him. He should have transferred her to another therapist long ago.
You can't force him to do the right thing. All you can do is decide how much you're prepared to tolerate. You've already said all you can say on the matter so I wouldn't bring it up again, but I would step back a bit from this relationship.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Hi RunnerGal,I have to say that what he is doing is not professional or ethical. There are stringent rules about anything relating to health professionals, carers etc.I personally know, you can't accept gifts, you cant even accept artwork (if drawn by the patient). I know a male nurse in a situation similar to your partner. An elderly female patient painted him a rock. (A Rock!) and he wasn't allowed to remove it from hospital grounds to take it home.Your boyfriend is risking his career, any certificates he has and his image by even accepting half of what you say. He can't simply drop her because you ask, but he needs to transfer her to another PT and ask them to take over.As soon as this arose it should have been jumped on, stamped out and dealt with (the very first time).Hope everything get's sorted out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): He needs to firmly tell her that under no circumstances is he interested, he needs to advise her to put this attention on her husband because a bad marriage takes two people. He sounds like a genuinely nice man, but he needs to man up now and have the conversation. In the long run, I think he should introduce her to a new pt and move on. Yes he makes good money but she obviously has built up unrequited feelings for him. The professional thing to do would be hand over her sessions to someone he knows (possibly a female!!) and let her know he is doing it so she can spend time baking for her husband and not for him!!You're relationship sounds lovely by the way, and the fact you know you can trust him - and it sounds like he's very trustworthy - is something to hold onto as it seems too few people trust their partners these days. Let him know you'll support him and help him find the words to speak to her, I would probably say you sought help online if he wouldn't be offended and let him see others responses. This might help him realise it's not an innocent friendship and he needs to put a stop to it, mostly for this woman's sake as she can't be happy. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Heavens, what a choice you have given your boyfriend of six months.
I should imagine if your boyfriend has been treating this lady for 5 years a strong friendship bond has formed between them. This would be quite normal.
As long as this lady and your boyfriend keep things on the up and up, as long as he remains professional and her husband is kept in the loop and you keep your sense of ownership under control all should be fine.
Continuity of care is important, and I have worked in a field where I visited people in their homes, the cuppas, cake and chat were just as important to those lonely people as the service I was providing.
Some compassion from you would not go astray.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): He cannot discharge her because you've asked, that would be interfering with professional goal setting, care plans, etc. However, finances taken aside, due to an unusually long duration of care, it would be probably very healthy for your BF to refer this patient to another PT or a clinic for a re-assessment and for on-going care elsewhere. It may be healthy for his PT license, too.
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A
female
reader, cardinal +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I think it's good that your husband hasn't been engaged with her. To be perfectly honest, I think YOU should have a woman-to-woman talk with her, tell her to back off (in a nice way). I don't trust this woman and it is very inappropriate for her to do all these things and a woman her age should understand that he is married and it makes you uncomfortable.
Maybe try to intimidate her by going with him to their PT sessions or something. I don't know if you've met her yourself but maybe try to say without words 'back off my man'. You know?
I do applaud your husband though. it sounds like he's been doing the right thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Could you ask him if he would consider telling her that, if the gifts don't stop, she'll have to find another PT because it isn't professional? Tell him that you're not asking him to just hang her out to dry, but you're merely offering a suggestion so she will hopefully understand and stop her behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): In my opinion his behaviour is not on inappropriate and unprofessional, it borders in unethical and possibly in breach of any codes of conduct?It's clear from what you say that there are feelings involved beyond what is appropriate for a patient and therapist relationship and he had chosen to conveniently ignore them up until now.The truth if the matter is.... He should not even need you toPoint out to him that there are clearly issues with this relationship and it should have been his choice and duty to terminate any contact long ago !!!!The fact you say you trust him implicitly makes me raise an eyebrow also to be honest. Whilst I believe it is very likely he had done nothing more than you say, he is obviously getting something out of this relationship and I would bet my left arm that it's more than just money and gifts . You can guarantee there is almost certainly some type of ego or emotional payoff here.Seriously , this man, who you say is a very good practitioner is risking his professional credibility and most certainly not doing the right thing in my opinion. The fact he needs you to point that out to him is perhaps the greatest cause for concern here.Best of luck with this situation
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