A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I won't make this too long but would really appreciate some of your views. My partner has asked me to move out of his house. We have been together 5 years and i moved in 3 1/2 years ago away from all my family and friends. He has 2 kids that are here at weekends and holidays, it's been a constant battle. the minute they arrive, they take over. THey hog the tv, won't get dressed or shower. They never help out with anything and get waited on hand and foot. They are 13 and 15 years old. I have to go to my bedroom to watch tv as they are allowed to do what they like.Dont get me wrong, i care for the kids and for the most time we do get along but there are no rules or boundaries. All i get from them is "this is our dad's house or our house" it really wears me down. Every few months my partner and i are at loggerheads but he refuses to listen to my concerns and just tells me i do not like his kids. This is really hurtful. he will not back me up in any shape or form. My partner is only home on the weekends as he works away so we don't spend much time together. I became very depressed at one point as i don't have friends here. I work full time but that is the only time i leave the house. The kids stay up till early hours of the morning with my partner, so we rarely go to bed at the same time. If we do have a weekend to ourselves, he just wants to relax and watch tv as he is tired from the long drive. I just want to go out sometimes and be treated but he doesn't seem to care. He never treats me or even buy me a bunch of flowers but will take the kids to cinema or out for expensive meals and if i tag along, i feel i have to pay for myself, not always, but he is very tight with money and he has got plenty. Now, i'm not perfect and i have handled things the wrong way at times by getting angry with him and causing arguments. He will not discuss anything and just rants about my faults all the time and that makes me rant even more about the kids and why i'm unhappy.he just walks away and then sleeps in a different room. It's got to the point now where he said i have to move out cause i'm making him miserable arguing all the time. I understand how he feels but we just can't seem to resolve anything. He said nothing is going to change and we're both not happy. I have apologised and suggested things we could do to make things better but he is not interested and has had enough. I have found somewhere to rent and move out in a couple of weeks. i'm devastated. I have no friends here but have to stay at the moment because of my job. i'm taking my furniture as it is mostly mine and we have agreed on that. i feel he just wants me gone. he was ordering new furniture the minute i said i'll look for somewhere to live. i'm gutted how cold he is being. We don't argue in front of the kids, i just try to stay out of their way but when he is not speaking to me the kids don't either and it's very upsetting. for the few weekends they have been over i have travelled to stay with friends so there isn't an atmosphere. i love him very much and wanted to make this relationship work but he doesn't want to anymore. sorry it did end up a long post but im feeling so hurt and just wanted to let it all out. thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): You really got some good advice here from the Aunties and I would follow what they have suggested.Look at this as a fresh start for yourself. Also, learn from this experience. Guys with kids and even adult kids can wreak havoc on a relationship as you have well found out.This is an excellent article on step-parenting and I have provided a link here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201102/stepmothers-strike-how-can-doing-less-save-your-marriageThe most profound statement was from a poster that said Not my child, not my problem. It's hard to handle when kids can be in your face but that statement comes in handy when situations are going South with children relationships. There are excellent tips on what step-mothers are doing to help themselves as well.Once you are moved out, you will feel free and like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It will be a time to rediscover yourself. Seize that opportunity. Do what makes you happy. Competely concentrate on yourself. Pour everything you have into you. You've been neglected in this relationship and used. It's payback time for you.And know, if the relationship you were in, and the man that you have been with finds another woman...she will be in the same boat that you were. It wasn't a good place mentally for you and neither will it be for the next woman. Take your time in finding another man. Devote this time to you. When you do decide to date or get into another relationship this time around be sure you know what you are getting yourself into. Go in with your eyes wide open.Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Sounds a sad situation for you. However, he has made his position clear and the life you had with him was/is far from perfect and there is no prospect of it changing. To be fair, his kids sound like typical young teenagers, it is a difficult age and can stress out the most loving of parents. But you need to move out and on. In the medium term, aim to go back to where you have friends and support. That is essential. So make a goal of building back up a life for yourself. It may take a while but aim to be happy again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): I used to live in a house where every other weekend my husband's children would come to stay. He was really looking forward to it and I was dreading it or similar reasons that you have given. The children and what they wanted to do always always came first. I was not a bad person but wanted some me and him time but it never happened. He eventually grew away from me and stopped totally speaking to me. I knew then that I had to move out. He also was cold and distant and the constant stress made me ill. I was effectively shunned by the whole household and all his friends for being a nasty woman who did not like his children. I moved out and instantly I felt happier. The weight was removed from my shoulders. I rented a little house back where I used to live because I knew the area and felt safe and happy there. He kept in touch for a while but it fizzled out. He really wanted a glorified nanny with sex and that was not me. As others have suggested move out as soon as you can and store your furniture if needs be. Make sure you make it very clear what is yours and what you are taking and do it during the week. This is not a happy environment for you and as others have said it is just fear of the unknown but from experience the unknown soon becomes the known. I understand the misery you are going through and my heart goes out to you.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 first you need to get out, and safely.
when bad situations occur like this then I think sooner, not later, is the time to leave.
Your welfare is more important than money. Is there anywhere else you can stay? Can you get your furniture out and into temporary storage this week, before the weekend?
I am going to suggest that you remove all your things when the children are not there. As they will only cause you trouble if they are present.
Get your "about to be ex" to sign and date a paper listing what is yours and agreeing that it is yours so that you can remove it, to ensure there is not an eleventh hour fiasco where some of the things are claimed to be his, or are damaged by his children.
It would be better if you removed all your things into two weeks storage and since you will be temporarily homeless perhaps you could find temporary accommodation and failing that find a temporary women's shelter to stay in until you can move into your new home?
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/homelessness/emergency_accommodation_if_homeless/womens_refuges
And help is available if things turn really bad:
National 24 hour Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247
But once you and your furniture are out?
What a wonderful reprieve you have been given. The children are out of control and you are only a convenient housekeeper with home comforts for him. He has no commitment to you.
Once you are settled in your new home then if you intend to stay in that area I suggest that you try any of the following that appeal to you:
https://www.hensdancing.com/ = unique to UK and a social group of women - I think you might find it helpful if there is a group in your area.
I encourage you to try to make new friends in your area. if you are hesitant about doing that you could consider getting a Wii for exercise and try an online course. But meeting real people is preferable to help you move on.
Other suggestions include:
Join a gym
Enroll in a class to brush up on any skill that is dear to your heart, and make new friends, be it:
a cooking class where you sit down together at the end to enjoy the food your cooked with your classmates?
Or a class focused on crafts? mosaic class?
A book club? - where you read a book and then hear what others thought of it at the next meeting.
A Zumba or yoga class? or? Y'ai Chi?
or a walking group
without the misery of how things are at home you will have more time to enjoy making new friends, and take part in some interesting activities.
Also make sure you brush up on your rights, to protect yourself better in future from being used and abused:
http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php
I agree his children are very very important. But he is no parent to his children, who are not being parented effectively, and are out of control. That is entirely his problem and let him deal with it, not your problem any more, once you leave.
His lack of parenting of his children, and will come back to bite him later. He will rue the day he stopped being a parent and became an indulgent moneybox for his children.
There is no place for you in his life, while he will not see the truth of the situation, and while he refuses to show you any respect. He does not deserve you.
Now is your time to move on.
My Best wishes to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Hi, time to move on. You both are not happy and the situation is not going to change. Maybe the time apart will do you both some good. Why should you settle for less, you are not a doormat and don't deserve to be treated badly. You will hurt and cry but time will heal and you will move on. Start making new friends. Visit family. Go pamper yourself, join a gym , go for a facial/massage, learn to enjoy this time to yourself and dont dwell on what you could have been.I believe its more the fear of letting go a relationship that you invested 5 years and the fear of the unknown that causes us to hold onto relationships that are not healthy.Think about it, you are not happy in this relationship, you have no support, no romance, no sex life, so what is it it you are losing? You will be fine and you will meet someone that will appreciate you. Close this chapter in your life.
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A
female
reader, Paula4u +, writes (29 January 2013):
 It takes two parents, two in a relationship and if communication totally breaks down....... than try to leave with as much dignity if you can. Seems talking was not enough. Once you are gone, the household will lose a valuable member so perhaps don't cut everything off. OK leave a way back in that is what I would do. However that is me all over. I so sympathise with you. He is fed up with the arguing and has gone into shut down mode into his cave, you make too much unrest for him. Most men will withdraw, sadly when they do that they lose their partner and it is often they come back to find that the partner is in a different home, county, country and wont return as they found some inner peace finally.
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