A
female
age
41-50,
*oosingit
writes:Am i crazy? I feel like i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I don't know if i should stay or go! I have been married for over 13 years and have 4 children. For so long i did not realize something was wrong. Or maybe it isn't wrong and it's all in my head....i do not know! From the beginning my husband has been an alcoholic. Not really a mean drunk. Just drinks every night. He does not have any friends of his own at all since we got married. He doesnt seem to care. We do everything together. If he is off work...i am with him. Very seldom does he go somewhere without me. And if i want to go without him he gets upset. Why woulnt i want to be with him? It is not worth the fight or the guilt trip so i just dont ask. He owns his own business and i stayed home with the kids until our youngest started school. The money has always been a issue. Not really an issue i guess...its his money. He spends as he chooses..our financial situation is a mess. I really honestly do not remember if I have always hated sex or if I just got that way. He was drinking all the time and i didnt like being with him when he was drunk so i told him he had to be sober on the nights he wanted to be with me. So he till drank at night and then would expect it in the morning. If i refuse he makes me feel guilty or tells me i owe him. Usually he would use something like... if you want to go school shopping for the kids.... or i thought you wanted some new pants...or if you loved me. At night in bed he constantly touches me...hands in my shirt down my pants...and if i get mad he ignores me for days, gets snappy with the kids...or just makes me feel guilty. It was just easier to give in...i feel like i have not been fair to him and his needs but i also didnt feel like our sex life was anything about us, just him. He says it is me and i am not normal. I do not get what most people get out of it so i guess maybe he is right. I dont knowAbout 8 months ago we started fighting more and more. He says andvdoes some of the meanest things and then just pretends its okay later like nothing even happened. It was always easier to just let it go. Why fight? But for some reason i got to where i couldnt just get over it. I was more anxious than usual and no matter what i said he did not listen..i gave in to sex a couple nights in a row but on the 3 rd i just couldnt do it. He had been being such a jerk all night..but he had not drank so he expected it. I refused and he got mad...as soon as i was asleep he started the touching..that made me mad. This went on for three or four nights...finally one night after fighting and him touching touching touching i got mad and jumped up ripped off my clothes and said get it over with if thats all you want. He did. I dont know why this time hurt me so much more than any of the others...it has been that way many times..but for whatever reason...i know it sounds stupid...but its like a piece of me died that night. I filed for divorce, took the kids and moved out not long after..3 months later he talked me into one more try.. he promises he will change..the thing is...i have been back for 3 months and so far nothing has really changed. But i think alot of it is me. I love him..but i can not bring myself to sleep with him. The few times that we have it has been because he pushed and made me feel guilty. I dont know what is wrong with me but i feel like i am making everyone miserable. I dont want to rip my family apart..but i dont know how to fix me. I feel like i am not strong enough to stay but i am not strong enough to go either. I am to a point where i absolutely hate myself!We have tried marriage counseling but he always thought that the counselor was taking my side so we stopped going. I am not sure how to fix any of this..i just know i am soooo tired and i feel like i am on the verge of a breakdown. It is not fair to my husband and definitely not my kids that i have caused such a mess but i dont know how to fix it.I need help...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 December 2012):
 Go back to counselling, without him. The reason you husband thought the previous cousellor was siding with you is because he, (your husband) was being shown what a controlling, nasty, mean streaked, debasing individual he is.
So resume counselling, for yourself. You will gain some insights into you behaviour and learn some strategies to deal with your situation. If you decide to leave him this time resolve on a no communication policy unless another adult is there, a friend, a family member or even a legal representative.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 December 2012):
Hi there. The very first question I have is, when you knew that he was an alcoholic, why did you marry him in the first place?
Or didn't he show any signs of that before marriage - he hid that side of himself - until after you were married?
When you started dating him, you surely must have seen that in social environments where they sold alcohol, that he drank pretty heavily, even then.
And if so, you must have had some lingering doubts about his drinking habits at the very least.
And if that isn't the case, well then can you pinpoint a time when he began to suddenly drink much more heavily, as each day went by?
It might coincide with something that happened in his life about that time, and so that's how he chills out and numbs his mind.
The bottom line is, if you ARE NOT happy being with him the way things are, some action needs to be taken.
And part of the reason for his drinking habit, might be due to the stress of owning his own business, and all that that entails.
Perhaps it's not going so well as it once did.
And if that's the case, it might be time to sell his business or close it down, and start working for someone else, where he will have much more security.
Or at least, more security than he does now.
These are still tough economic times, and really, they haven't improved any since 2008. They are pretty much the same now as they were then.
So even if he doesn't discuss business with you, he might be really struggling with it, and is just too proud to admit it to anyone!
Men can be very proud about things like that, you know.
And if that is the real problem for him, well then it seems to be playing out in your relationship, when it comes to sex.
It's possible that he is one of those men who keeps his problems entirely to himself.
Have you ever discussed his business with him?
If you haven't, perhaps now might be a good time.
And if his business is going okay, well then it could be that he doesn't have enough free time to enjoy life.
At any rate, he seems to be in a very deep rut, wouldn't you say?
So what you are seeing on a daily basis with how he treats you, is more a symptom of other things going on in his life.
And if it's not his business, or not enough free time, it could be that he feels he should be doing more with his life, and that life is passing him by.
Unfulfilled dreams, a lack of purpose in life.
He might be going into a type of midlife crisis.
The crisis where we ask ourselves - "Who am I?" - "Why am I here?" - "what am I meant to be doing with my life?"
This can sometimes begin in about the mid to late 30's and into the 40's and 50's also.
Perhaps it's a combination of all these things I mentioned.
Counselling might not be nearly as good as you and him sitting down together and having a heart to heart chat about how you are both feeling about everything.
And being totally honest when you do this, is absolutely key.
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