A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello -- I've been with a girl (30) for 15 months now. Initially everything was great, but as the months wore on, some issues have came to light. She's pushing hard for commitment; living together, marriage, kids eventually, etc, and is threatening to end the relationship because I'm not moving fast enough. Here are my reservations about the relationship and I would much appreciate advice.Respect: Is less by the day. I'm belittled for my job, called stupid, ugly, made to feel bad, have been embarassed infront of my friends, told things like "just shut the f*ck up and hold my purse". She just attempts to rationalize and justify it when I call her on it.Emotionally: It's thin ice. If I say one thing that isn't quite right, it's like a nuclear bomb going off. She isn't taking her depression meds at the moment and it's a wild rollercoster of emotions, with me never knowing how she is going to react. She can be happy one minute, and screaming the next. If she doesn't get her way, there will be hell to pay. Games, Manipulations: Tonight I was told "Give me your facebook password or we're breaking up and I'll be seeing someone else like tomorrow". I'm faced with constant ultimatums of "Do X, Y, Z or goodbye", or "If you love me you'll do this". Guess what? When I actually try to make her happy, it's never good enough and she just wants more. Tells me to leave and slams the door in my face, then calls me crying to come back. Hangs up the phone when she gets mad, but calls right back, etc. Infidelity: There was an instance where she went out with another guy behind my back, lied about it, and only told me the truth when she was caught red handed. The only reason nothing physical between them happened (according to her) was because he rejected her. Two weeks later, she was at the bar and let another (random) man call me and leave a disrespectful message on my phone, and then proceeded to let him autograph her chest?! She didn't think this was wrong, of course. Nevertheless, she accuses me of cheating because I won't let her have full access/passwords to my e-mail, facebook and phone or whenever she wants. I have nothing to hide, just value my privacy.Other weird stuff: From day one, she's made me look like the bad guy to her friends and family by exaggerating and twisting many things I say or do. I've received threatening phone calls and e-mails from her family members, including threats from her dad stating he was going to "break my jaw". She loves to play the victim and will twist everything with her being as such; sometimes I feel like she pick fights as a way to get me to react with hostility, so that she can accuse me of being abusive and her the victim.I could go on.. but you get the picture..Sure it's not bad 100% of the time, which is why I'm still around; but I'm told I don't know how to have a "real" relationship because I'm not ready for her to meet my parents, take the next big steps in our relationship, etc. But given what I've written above, am I really in the wrong for being cautious?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): wow, this is so messed up... this relationship can only end badly... and if you get married it will probably only get worst (maybe she is on her "best" behavior until she gets that ring).
im so sorry to say, but it doesn't seem like she loves you much if she's acting this way. sometimes its just better to be alone instead of with someone that will make you miserable, furthermore, then maybe that right person comes along, but that will be highly unlikely while you are with your current gf. take care.
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (3 December 2012):
 She wants to control you build you up after breaking you down my mom did that type of abuse of the name calling hanging up the calling back crying I would run change number find other women date around to you find a sane one
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Get the hell outta there, boy.
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A
female
reader, Louislover  +, writes (3 December 2012):
She's just not wrong, she's right in her place , its obvious girls really seem to care more than boy does, this is all which due to jealousy, if she wouldn 't have loved you than she wouldn't have thought of future with you, even if you're not ready now no -one sayed you will never be, take time make her your priority, and its obvous after having sex(if you had) she sure does think of her future with you, there is no such thing called privacy, both are meant to be one only, in a true relationship there is no secrets, have you ever thought why she cheated on you? Maybe you couldn't keep her happy and one thing girls always like when boys tend to burn their jealousy and one thing you urslf should have that much potential to make her happy, do not blame her .
-don' mind. Thanks! :)
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 December 2012):
Every alarm is going off in your head right now for a reason. You would do well to listen to them. Everything you need to know about her you already know. If I were you, I would dump her before my next cup of coffee, and I drink coffee all day.
If you stay with her, I hate to say you deserve what you get, because you had the information beforehand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): A whole lot of immaturity going on in this relationship...and it doesn't read as very stable. Things can't be rosey all the time, and people do need to learn to work through things and grow and not give up so easily, however, it really doesn't read from your point of few that you are sure about anything in this relationship. If this was the right one, after all the time you've been together so far, you would know...you would just know. I think you already know the answer...
You will find the right one, she's out there somewhere :-)
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A
female
reader, peteloevely +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Seriously, none of us can emphasize how urgent it is you leave this relationship! Your own sanity is in danger. And you know what is worst? You cannot see it right now, you can't! is hard for your to see the scars because they are not there yet! you will realised it when you leave this relationship.
And when you feel ready to start a new one? Then you will feel the anxiety of ending up in the same situation again, the insecurity, wondering… is she manipulating me?.
you will see how psychologically damage being with a sociopath who is on anti-depressants will do to you. (now whether she does it on purpose or not that is not the point) the point is, your sanity is at stake here, leaving right now is too late, you should be gone yesterday!!!
you cannot help her, she needs to figure herself out and then be in a relationship, you will not change her, all this is gone do is bring you down with, until you end up on anti-depressants yourself... soon you will see yourself steam dropping and then you will know what i mean, don’t let it get to that!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Cautious? What cautious? Why haven't you broken up for good yet? This woman is going to drive you up the wall (if she hasn't already) with her irrational, abusive, dramatic behavior and you will just be reduced to a mute spectator and a victim because you are not putting your foot down. If you willingly get into the mess knowing what's in store then no one can help you.
Leave this woman RIGHT NOW and carry on with your life. Why do you want to ruin your life yourself? This is not what a normal, healthy relationship should be like, this is a seriously fucked up, warped relationship which will just get worse. Physical abuse, threats, infidelity, manipulations...why do you want to see what's next? Get out of it now while you can.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Not only should you be cautious, I think you need to end the relationship.
SHE is pushing for commitment and you don’t want it… and she THREATENS to end the relationship because you are not moving fast enough for her? CALL HER BLUFF.
The problem is she’s a nut case OP and when you break up with her she will escalate her crazy behavior…she will harass and harangue you. She may stalk you… you may require professional (read legal) intervention if her behavior when you end it goes over the top.
On your topics: RESPECT…. Belittling someone in general is wrong, someone you are supposedly in love with who you want to build a life with? NO it’s NOT ACCEPTABLE. Calling them names such as stupid and ugly is ABUSE. SHE IS ABUSING YOU.
EMOTIONALLY: she’s not taking her medications (I can understand that they make you feel numb and lousy if they aren’t done properly) You can’t live with the uncertainty of the insanity. I get that.
GAMES, MANIPULATION: “give me your facebook password or we are breaking up and I’ll be seeing someone else like tomorrow” should have been met with “don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out”…. Do NOT play her games. That’s BS.
You do know how to have a real relationship. The fact that this loon has not met your parents speaks to the fact that you know she’s not long term material.
It’s time to walk away from the insanity that is this relationship.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Erm no you are not wrong at all for not wanting to let her meet your parents, she will only try and turn your family against you as well!
I can understand why she is upset that the relationship isnt going anywhere, I would expect to meet my boyfriend's family within 6 months, not 15! So you are going at a glacial speed, and of course that will be upsetting to any girl - BUT you have a perfectly good reason not to want to progress, because she is 100% certified bonkers and you are right not to commit to a crazy woman.
But in all seriousness, she is verbally abusive, controlling, seemingly manic depressive and not taking meds, manipulative and unfaithful.
A few 'good times' here and there can never cancel out her apalling behaviour. This is not a relationship, this is simply you being bullied by a mentally ill woman and you putting up with it. She is right, you dont know how to have a 'real' relationship, because this is the entire opposite of what a relationship should be.
A real relationship should be based on; love, respect, attraction, intimacy, trust and overall a genuine enjoyment of each other's company. Instead you are a glorified purse stand to her, someone who she can unleash all her 'crazy' on without repercussions. She knows no-one else on earth would put up with her behaviour, yet doormat over there (YOU) allows her to treat you however she wants without any comeback. And what do you get out of this? Abuse, embarassment and general hard work.
Get out of this, NOW. Do not stay another second longer with her. Normally on this site I can find something even in the worst posts where I can say 'you could potentially work on this' or get counselling etc. However this girl is mentally ill and not taking meds - that alone is enough to end this, she will never treat you right when she is not on her meds. And it doesnt sound like even when she is on her meds that she treats you well anyway.
I honestly have no idea what has made you stay for 15 months - you need to find some self respect, realise there is more to life than being walked all over by a crazy woman and move on. You can do a lot better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): I didnt need to read the whole thing to say GET OUT of that relationship and you may have just dodged the biggest bullet in your life....not 100% bad all the time?? Not too good the rest of the time....save yourself now before marriage or kids ....this is a train wreck...plenty nice people in the world will love you and be KIND ....good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 December 2012):
 You may be inexperienced in how to have a good relationship because you are in a rotten one. THIS is NOT going to get better no matter WHAT you do.
First off if she has ANY passwords of yours, change them NOW - same goes with access to bank account and so forth GET it done, so she can't get access. And then BLOCK her from all that is yours. Facebook, twitter, Tumbler whatnot. BLOCK her.
Second of all, end it with her. She need help, because she thinks what she is doing is OK, and it is SO FAR from OK it's not even funny.
You KNOW this is a toxic relationship, but you are hoping if you do everything right it will work out.. Sorry it won't. She isn't interested in it working, only that she can bully you around.
My question is this, if she was always like this HOW did you manage to last 15 months?
Dump her. Yea, I know it's almost Christmas, but really you want her to ruin the holidays too?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Yes, and you know why ?
Because you should not be " cautious ", you should have already have broken up big time.
Verbal abuse. Drama. Ultimatums. Infidelity. Physical threats !
Come on, this is a very fucked up relationship and you should not be in it and you know it. Sure it is not 100% bad - maybe even Hitler was not 100% bad, since he loved children and dogs, and was nice to Eva Braun.
So, by waiting for some miraculous change that will allow you commit, you are wasting your time, but consequently you are also wasting hers. She knows she is not going to change, so, from her point of view, it is , dude, what are you waiting for ?, take me or leave me .
Leave her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 December 2012):
Yes, and you know why ?
Because you should not be " cautious ", you should have already have broken up big time.
Verbal abuse. Drama. Ultimatums. Infidelity. Physical threats !
Come on, this is a very fucked up relationship and you should not be in it and you know it. Sure it is not 100% bad - maybe even Hitler was not 100% bad, since he loved children and dogs, and was nice to Eva Braun.
So, by waiting for some miraculous change that will allow you commit, you are wasting your time, but consequently you are also wasting hers. She knows she is not going to change, so, from her point of view, it is , dude, what are you waiting for ?, take me or leave me .
Leave her.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 Hi, Based on what you have said I am not sure why you are even in a relationship with her. Do you seriously think marrying her will make things better "NO". You need to end things with this woman and find someone that can love you and treat you well.
If she can find someone better why is she with you? Or does she feel like she is settling, which a very good reason to dump her. I suggest you disengage yourself or set ground rules or you will shortly find yourself walking down the isle, wondering how did you even get there.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (3 December 2012):
 HI
I'm sorry what your going through, not all women are like this, I would walk away and never look back. She sounds like an absoulte horrid person. From everything you have explained I honestly don't know how you have put up with this woman for so long. Your right to not have introduced her to the family, my God she is insane hun. I would just say Goodbye, walk away,change numbers if you have to, if she is on facebook block her, severe ALL contact. There is a beautiful woman inside & out waiting for you just around the corner, ONE who will show you respect, love,kindness,loyalty,trust,compassion,romance. But if you stay in this relationship you wont get that!
Good luck what ever you decide
Mandy x
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