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Why does this guy flirt with me when he asks about dates I've been on?

Tagged as: Dating, Flirting, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 October 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, *lgardner1 writes:

There's this guy I've known for a little over a year. I used to have a huge crush on him for a long time. I eventually got over him emotionally, but I am still attracted to him. We have been friends but there has been times where I get mixed signals. This past month, I've been on a few different dates with different guys. He knows about my dates and whenever I see him, he always brings up the guys I've dated. Always asking how the dates went. The dates did not turn out great and I would tell him that. He almost seemed happy that they turned out bad. But whenever he asks about a guy I went on a date with, he can never look at me when he asks. He always just stares at something else when he talks about my dates. He has recently started complimenting me. He said something like ,"you're looking pretty foxy today." Which is weird cause he would never say things like this before to me. He will always touch my arm when I see him. The only reason why him touching me on my arm seems weird is because he has never done it before. I don't know if he likes me now cause he sees that I am dating other people. Whenever he talks about my dates, he will ALWAYS say ," yeah, I am not going to date for a long time." But then he gets kind of flirty with me. So is he flirty because he notices I am dating other people? Any advice?

View related questions: crush, flirt

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntFirst question is was it obvious to him that you had a crush on him? If it was then he might just be annoyed that your attention is on other guys now and not him. Be straight with him and ask him why he doesn't want to date anyone any time soon, see what he has to say. You never know he might be interested, or he could be just playing a game, it is hard to know without knowing him personally.

If you still feel something for him then the best advice I can give is be honest to him and see how he responds, at least you will know where you stand.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

N91 agony auntHonestly I think he's doing it to mess you around.

I think he knows you liked him in the past but doesn't want anything serious with you but now he knows you're looking elsewhere he's losing his pull over you, hence he's started to become interested in you now.

If he didn't want you when he's available and now springs into action when you're trying to date, it sounds to me like he wants you to focus your attention back on him, but even if you asked him out I think he would come up with some crappy excuse to swerve it because he's only interested in your attention and nothing more, or else, why would it not have happened already?

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntFor me my spider sensors would be tingling- why didn't he want you when you were available? he's giving you mixed signals- which toys with your affections and a sign he might be emotionally unavailable.. does he compliment your personality or ask you things about yourself? Or take an interest in little things you have to say? A guy that wants you as his GF will try and get to know the ins and outs of you, no matter how mundane.

Honestly- flirty comments alone suggest a physical attraction alone.

The thing is- my instinct is telling me that all this faffing with you about how many dates you've been on- is just making you more unobtainable- and DESIRABLE. This

situation to me feels like him wanting you when it's harder to get you- the whole when they achieve the prize they get bored and move onto the next conquest.

I'm not saying this is definitely the case but be aware of the above signs. My advice is to HOLD off sex until you are in an official relationship. And this should happen after a couple of months of getting to know you and him making the effort to SEE you, CONTACT you and care about the little details.

Like Wiseowl said, you're so young and have been quite emotionally invested in this guy, so are at risk of SETTLING for whatever morsels he gives you i.e. a FWB set-up. No matter how much you like him you're going to be devastated when No strings attached sex doesn't lead to more. And if he leads you on well then he has no respect and you should learn from and FORGET about him-

But please google and be aware of the signs when a man truly wants you. you will save yourself one less rocky, painful detour on the road to happiness

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 October 2017):

I think he's sending you subtle signals to see if you'll pick-up on them. I think maybe initially he wasn't receptive to the romantic-vibe you tried to convey. Men are infamously slow at exposing our feelings; or sending out unreadable-signals. Some are aware of your attraction and play dumb; just to keep you on-hold until they exhaust all other options. Your intuition will pick-up on that; you'll see the signs.

If he's just a tease, you'll tire of his friendship and his very presence. Nobody gets to file me away; or save me for a "rainy day!" Tantamount to making a fool of me by manipulating me by my feelings. You know what I mean?

Don't agree to be friends with benefits. It's beneath your dignity; and submitting to terms that undercut your values and expectations. You deserve better!

Now that you've placed him in the friend-zone; he has to carefully navigate into any other territory; because he knows he initially ignored your love-vibes and now you have a chance to throw it back in his face.

He may not have considered you in a romantic-sense until now. Don't dismiss his having a slow or nonexistent love-life as part of the reason. As you know, we start reviewing all our options when dating has been consistently unsuccessful.

I think he was testing your response when he made the claim he wasn't going to date for a long time. Hint-hint, "I'm available!" My reaction is; "how?"

I would pursue this with some slight reservation. I agree with Honeygirl; that you could ask him out for something informal and "date-like," to test the waters. Put your crush aside to be objective. You have to see if there is really any chemistry; or if your crush might have completely fizzled.

Don't suggest anything about your romantic-interest in him; allow him to be more forthcoming, and stop beating around the bush. Give him an opening; and he doesn't go for this opportunity, keep his confused-ass in the friend-zone.

Avoid discussions about sex. Don't walk down that avenue; because that area is too open to opportunism. You need him to come clean about his true feelings; and there should be a reasonable time-period to allow for a slow transition taking a friendship into something more. If sex is the objective; things will only get awkward afterwards.

I think if you go the indirect-route; you can find-out where his head's at. If he continues to float in the "neutral-zone;" continue dating other men; and stop sharing your business about your love-life.

If he just likes getting-off on your stories; let him find another source of entertainment.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (9 October 2017):

Honeygirl agony auntWhy don't you ask him out - nothing serious, coffee perhaps. Maybe he is too shy to ask you out, feels that perhaps he wont measure up to you?? I does sound like he likes you, so what have you got to loose by asking him out for coffee?

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