A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why oh why do girls prefer the cocky, arrogant, stubborn jock types? Is it because they assume their children together will be born with a lightning bolt in their hands? Girls have done pretty skewed ways of finding guys thinking that they are better off with them then some guy who's humble, genuine, meek. So why do girls date a^^^oles who just end up hurting them anyways. I'll only listen to her complain for so long before I'm just tempted to say "look he's no good, his friends are the same, you tell me everything, so why the hell have we not gone out on a date yet?" Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 December 2013):
Basically because our biological evolution has not kept up with our social evolution.
If I had a nickel for every woman who said they wanted just "a nice guy," right before they went home with the biggest a-hole in the bar......
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (24 December 2013):
 Women (and men) are drawn to what they believe is confidence and decisiveness.
The woman you describe lack those qualities themselves and are therefore unable to recognize them in others. Boorish, arrogant men generally don't attract confident, decisive women so they're left to rummage in the bargain bin.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (24 December 2013):
God help us if all men were like that.We had a similar letter here on this forum a few days ago about women preferring the "bad type of boys".The same can be said of men after "blond and busty" types of women.I look for intelligenge first.I remember a funny story when Marilyn Monroe said to George Bernard Shaw"let's get together and make a baby,it'd have my looks and your intelligence",but Shaw then said "what if the baby had my looks and your intelligence."
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (24 December 2013):
 To answer the original question, not the stated question but the underlying question. I perceive that question to be: "why is she dating this kind of guy and not me?"
Girls like guys that are interesting. Nice can be interesting. But interesting is the important factor, nice is not.
Some girls get in the habit of hanging with abusive guys. Either they cure themselves of it or the end up dead. there is little you can do to help.
She is not dating you, she does not like you in "that" way, because you have accepted the role of girlfriend. Sure she needs girlfriends, but she doesn't date them. I am not saying you are effeminate, you are just in the wrong role in her life. There is also little you can do to fix that.
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 December 2013):
 THERE is a huge difference between cocky and arrogant and assertive and assured.
and there is a huge gap between all of the above and abuse.
ABUSE is not acceptable.
The problem is your friend. she's willing to be an ashtray and punching bag for this fellow. Clearly her self-esteem is in the toilet if she is willing to accept the behavior of ABUSE.
ABUSE is not cocky or arrogant or stubborn. Abuse is a totally different issue.
I was "stolen" from a loving kind gentle man by a man who was also loving but was confident and assertive.
BIG difference between confident, and assertive vs meek and mild and self-depreciating.
and yes the boyfriend hates you because he knows you want her even if she doesn't. Some folks are totally clueless about how others feel. My husband is like that. I often have to point out women are hitting on him (I find it funny cause he's just SO clueless about it he has no clue he's being hit on)
As for calling the police... they will come and talk to her and make her feel bad about being abused but unless they SEE HIM hurt her they can't do anything and unless she presses charges they won't do anything. WE cannot force anyone to NOT be abused if it's their choice to accept the abuse.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 December 2013):
 Well, no wonder the bf hates you. He may be a pervert sadistic brute, .. but perhaps he is not totally stupid and he perceives that there's some guy who is sniffing around HIS gf under the pretense of an innocuous " friendship ", thereby misleading the girl about the real nature of this so called friendly interest, and probably waiting and hoping that the brutish bf makes one final mistake , so that the "friend " can fill his shoes, in bed and out. Tell me what man would enjoy that - and so much for the nice guy, aren't nice guys supposed to be honest and sincere about the reasons why they do something ?
As for the way this guy treats your friend- I would not want to pass for someone who approves of or condone violence on women because actually there's nothing that I find more despicable. But... it takes two to tango. Why is SHE letting a guy use her as an ashtray or target practice ? Why does she put getting laid before her own safety ? Why does she take regular physical abuse without ever being smart enough to say : OK, enough is enough- game over . Is she dumb ? insane ? a masochist ?
You know, if I wanted to generalize too, I could say " why do nice guys always seem to fall for reckless shallow girls that think with their twat ,associate with criminals, and can't properly look after themselves ? "
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 December 2013):
 Women don’t prefer jerks. What they prefer is confident, independent men. And those are universally attractive traits. Meaning, it isn’t just women who are attracted to those traits. Men are attracted to women like this, as well.
Having confidence goes a LONG way. For a woman, a confident (not to be confused with arrogant – arrogance is a big put off to most women, legitimately) man is super attractive. A huge turn on. Why wouldn’t it be? Who prefers an insecure person who needs constant reassurance when you can choose to be with a guy who knows his self-worth and holds his head high? Who demands to be treated with respect and gives you the same respect in return.
Same goes with independence. Women love men who don’t act clingy and needy and bombard them with phone calls. They enjoy their space and independence and don’t pout if they don’t spend 24/7 with their girlfriend. They don’t start asking who they are talking to or ask why she hasn’t texted back after ten minutes.
All that being said, it sounds like you have feelings for a girl who is with a man who treats her like shit. Here’s the thing. I bet you he didn’t start off treating her like shit. He probably started off treating her extremely well and then began showing his true colors after she got attached. That’s what abusers do. And now she’s finding it hard to leave because she loves him. If he started off as a total asshole from the beginning, I highly doubt she would have gone for that.
Regardless, she may not be going out on a date with you, no matter how much you’ve been there for her, because it sounds like you two are friends. For a lot of women, once they see you as a friend, it doesn’t transcend beyond that. It’s called friend-zoned. Your best bet is to try to get with a woman who isn’t already your friend and doesn’t view you that way. and also, someone who isn't already attached to someone else.
But bottom line. I disagree with this notion that women like assholes. Nobody likes an asshole. Rather, they like the characteristics of confidence and independence that just so happen to coincide with what most players behave like. But not all who have these characteristics are players. Nice guys such as yourself can contain these characteristics, as well. And be extremely successful with women.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 December 2013):
If you are tempted to tell her " ..Why the hell haven't we gone on a date yet ? " then just do it. Tell her !
If you are the type who's always tempted to do and say things and then never does or syas them- then, OP, you may be a nice guy but you are also a big wuss, which is not sexy and which women can smell out from a distance. C.onfidence and self assurance are sexy and attractive.Of course confident does not mean arrogant, there is a marked difference between the two, and perhaps some inexperienced, impusive or not too bright girls can't grasp the difference at once and will need to learn it through negative personal experience. Which would relate to your anyway exaggerated very broad unsupported generalization.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): Generally; women avoid the types of men that you describe.
If they meet one, they will learn a lot of things fast.
I've answered similar posts like yours, but the suggestion is a broad generalization; and really has no supportive evidence.
Yours is a rhetorical question. You can't expect a fact-based response.
What you should have asked is:
Why do girls "seem" to prefer guys that are not like me?
There are women who end up in abusive or unsuccessful relationships. There are men who do the same. It's more incidental, than intentional. Nobody really wants to be with a jerk or a b*tch. We sometimes end up with just that. It might be safer to say, at least once in our lives we do.
Everyone gets their share of being emotionally tied to people who fool us into thinking their wonderful. Only to discover their true-nature, or that they possess bad traits we didn't expect them to have. Life's dirty little surprises. They're put there to teach us about ourselves and how to survive. To prepare us for better things.
I would say it runs evenly between men and women. Women are most likely to be physically over-powered; and the physical abuse statistically much more evident. Men are physically stronger. We are naturally more aggressive. So it's a risk they take. Not always intentionally, I will add.
As a rule, women may be more intimidated by men; then men are by women. So strength adds a certain arrogance. Then it is nurtured and perpetuated by the media and society.
So they may unwittingly end up on the losing end of a match between brute-strength and female-aggression. They are more likely to back-down; if they see his rage building out of control. They surrender for their own personal safety. Not to say she can't bring him to his knees in other ways. They by no means choose to be in such situations; and often don't know how to get out of them. I came to this site to help both men and women in such situations.
Walk a mile in her heels before you say ridiculous things like they prefer to date cocky, arrogant, stubborn jock types.
Guys like girls with big breasts, curvy hips, shapely legs, and willing to do the nasty. They like women they don't have to work too hard to persuade to offer they bodies. Yet they will not be too eager to marry a woman like that; or really feel secure having one for a girlfriend. If you want to speak in generalities. So it all "seems."
There is not much more than anecdotal evidence to support this observation. No more than you have to support such a claim about girls.
Nice guys are not "manipulative." They are just nice people who happen to be male. They may not chose to address every uncomfortable situation with aggression. They may not choose to mistreat women. They may choose to be faithful within their relationships. They might choose to be a lover and not a fighter. They may choose to be a good father and a great husband. Even a dream of a boyfriend.
Bad-boys stand out. They are characterized and romanticized in most cultures as studs. Surly, tough, and no-nonsense.
They are stereotyped as macho and powerful.
Women are naturally wired to breed with men who are strong, virile, and healthy. So a strong guy can be easily misidentified as a good prospect for breeding and mating; but be a total tool. They've got to kiss a few toads to find a prince.
The nice guy situation is also a broad generalization.
Weaklings, awkward introverted males, timid-types, and no-risk takers.
They toss those guys in with "nice-guys!" They make real nice guys seem comical; and we seem only desirable in the movies. When you hear the ladies tell it, nice guys confuse them with mixed signals. They never come across truly interested. They don't make them feel safe. They haven't outgrown shyness. They're predictable lovers, and don't show enough passion.
Being totally honest, a lot of timid, weird, and awkward men like to sell themselves as "nice-guys." They don't put themselves out there like "bad-boys" to get what they want. So the poor ladies are left with the slim-pickings that you describe.
You got bad-boys who will commit, and don't fear rejection; and shy-dudes too scared to even approach a woman. What are the ladies to do?
You don't always get the girl you set your sights on. There is always an ideal lady who possesses the traits and qualities we want, and we immediately become attracted to them. They don't always reciprocate. Such is life.
So some guys are defeated instantly by their rejection, and will no longer want to face it from anyone else. That's weakness. It's not the fault of women. So they weed through what they can, until they get what they deserve. Just as we men do.
Teenage girls are more likely to choose something bad for them, and that's out of natural curiosity and inexperience.
They are drawn like moths to a flame; because of all the hoopla, and everyone dares them to do it. So they want the bad-boy. Living the imaginary story of "Beauty And The Beast." It's a child's curiosity to discover why the flame is so pretty, but so hot. Once burned, they're less likely to touch. But there are fools who do go up in flames. They never listen, and they never learn.
Smart girls learn and grow. Even if they have to learn after many mistakes; or once they're much older. Just like guys who look for types of women that are not what they need; but seem to suit a need until we can find better.
Availability, selection, and exposure can limit our choices; no matter what we're looking for. There is truth to the lyric: "You can't always get what you want!"
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A
female
reader, Greenstar16 +, writes (24 December 2013):
I sometimes think that girls choose these types of guys because for some strange reason they feel more protected. For example, these guys are known to be tough and cool and some girls would give anything to be with a guy like this because it will bring their self esteem up. Usually it may be the younger girls but later in life, thet tend to look for the guy that is understanding, caring, and respectful. It's usually a phase girls go through when they're young.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (24 December 2013):
 As a woman, if a man treated me disrespectfully or was popping off all the time to me or to others, that would not fly. Cockiness might be mistaken for confidence,which may be why SOME women go for the "bad boy". Also, the forwardness might be useful for a strictly sexual relationship instead of beating around the bush, some just want to get it done and move on. Don't lose hope, and don't lump all women together!!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 December 2013):
You must prefer girls who prefer guys who are like that. I know a ton of women who can't stand them just like I know a lot of guys who can't stand blonde bimbos.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf only women paid less attention to those types of guys, and yes I've been friends with her for more than 7+ years and yes I do want to date her, I know her bf hates me, but unlike him he doesn't have a good enough reason to hate me. I have more than enough reasons to hate him, no girl should be used as an ashtray, or target practice.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 December 2013):
 Call the police the next time your friend shows up with bruises and contusions from being beaten. She's a victim of abuse. Why are you angry with other women for the abuse your friend is experiencing?
If your real concern is for her wellbeing, then get her the help she needs.
If you are upset that she won't date you, then you have more problems than we can help with. She's not in a good place, mentally and self-esteem-wise. If you can't see that, then you aren't either.
Here is a website that you can go to to get some assistance for helping your friend who is being abused: http://www.thehotline.org
Humble, genuine and meek aren't synonyms with nice, you know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell if being nice is deemed manipulative, you, and the rest of women have been taught wrong from Cosmo mag, MTV, mom, aunts, etc... I shouldn't have to tend to my friends black eyes after her b/f (who I want to just kfklkjdgof) so the reason why guys go for those types is because that's all know how to. And don't assume I'm one of those types, even the chunky girls want some Fabio type. So don't tell me being nice is manipulative, being nice is being nice, it's being a gentleman. Can't say I've met many gentleman nice guys. But I've met more sadistic, abusive, roof rage douchebag jock types than I've met genuinely honest girls.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 December 2013):
 "Why oh why do guys prefer the air-headed, large-chested, blonde bimbo types?" Girls go home for meaningless sex with confident guys because confidence is sexy. Usually the self proclaimed nice guys ooze bitterness and desperation out of every pore. Guys who are actually nice have zero problems getting women. Just an FYI being nice to attract women is not actually nice, it is manipulative.
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