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Why did he give up his trip with the boys?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 June 2017) 16 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2017)
A female age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend turned down a golf trip with the guys next weekend. It's out of town and they go every year.

He said it's because he knows I worry and he doesn't want to upset me. In the past I have given him grief. Many of the guys go to strip clubs at night or bars and try to pick up women. They are all married or in relationships. My boyfriend says he just hangs around the hotel room with another guy having a beer and chatting.

But it has always bothered me. And I never once told him he can't go.

He decided not to go this year on his own. He just told me about it today.

I feel bad. He said I should. Then he said "See the things I do for you?"

I am not sure why he did this? I did not ask him to. In past years, I endured the weekend and hoped it would just fly by.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHe cancelled his trip because you always give him grief, he probably forgot you where at a wedding, but let me guess you think he is up to no good at home while you are off at the wedding? Honestly you sound like you do not trust this man. Why be with someone in a relationship if you do not completely trust them? You must be driving both him and yourself crazy!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2017):

The poor guy can't win. You harp on him for going and now that he's NOT going you're suspicious of his motives.

If you have so little trust in and respect for him then why are you even with him, although it does seem like you're making your best effort to drive him away.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2017):

What came to mind is that he knows you are at a wedding by yourself. He probably did forget. There will be plenty of men there to keep you company if you chose that route.

So, not to add fuel to the fire, he decided not to be away with the guys that same weekend, while you are free to do as you please at a wedding.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (21 June 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Uh ? You've lost me :)

- You asked him why he cancelled the trip when he knew you were away. He said : but I did not know, I had forgotten. Why is this answer not good enough for you ? Are you in the habit of doubting regularly anything he says? ( " what time is it now ?" " Quarter to nine " " Hm, then it must be half past ten instead !") If so, why , is he a pathological liar, ...you've caught him telling lies many times already.... - What difference does it make where you are going to be that Saturday ? You do not have a problem with where YOU go, you've got a problem with where HE goes !( to a golf weekend with randy colleagues ). You gave him grief before about HIS whereabouts, and apparently it worked , because he canceled the trip knowing how much it bothered you. Well, I suppose that it would bother you, or would have bothered you, anyway , whether you are at a wedding , or sitting on your couch at home, - it makes sense that he would try to remove the bother regardless, independently from what you are going to do that specific Saturday .

- Or, are you implying that he engineered things so that he can have a free Saturday at home without you around ?

Why ? Is he not allowed to be out of your sight, or to spend an occasional Saturday afternoon , I dunno, washing his car, having his hair cut, reading a book, or whatever ? What exactly do you think or fear it's going to happen if he is not under your eyes on a Saturday, for once ?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2017):

Hello. It's the lady who posted the question.

Hmmmmm.

Thanks for your answers, everyone. :)

I have another question then.

My boyfriend knows I will be at a wedding this Saturday. The same weekend he was supposed to be on the golf weekend. I accepted the invitation because we both knew he would be away.

So, now the change? Why? I reminded him I would be at the wedding this Saturday and he said he forgot I would be at the wedding. It is too late to have him come with me because they have made all the seating arrangements. So, I will be going solo.

I just think it seems odd that he decided to pass on the guy's trip once he remembered I will be at a wedding the same weekend.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHe did it to both please you and placate you and maybe even to get out of going. Any f those 3 options could be the "one" true reason.

I think you are doing a BIG mistake in NOT encouraging him to do things with his friends. Because if you think, that by being UPSET that he is going, will somehow STOP him from doing shady stuff you are mistaken. You can't and should try and CONTROL what he does. Having a conversation of WHAT you are OK with and what you are NOT OK within a relationship is much better - to have respectful boundaries.

My husband has been to strip club many times, not to ogle the "ladies" but to pick up drunk and or belligerent soldiers from his unit. While I'm not a fan of the strip club, I think the notion of that kind of "flesh trade" inane and rather pathetic and disgusting. I was fine with him going as it was part of his job from time to time. Had he gone out with friends to hang at a strip joint I would have been a LOT less enthused and downright pissed off if he had spent a single dollar on dances/dancers.

WE all have limits. Telling him:"I don't like for you to go to strip clubs without me (or at all) - because (insert reason)" IS FINE but making him think that he shouldn't hang with his friends on a weekend because THEY might go and you might be pissy. I think that is controlling. If he goes and ends up going BACK to the hotel instead of the strip club he HONORS your boundaries and.... still get to hang with his friends.

However, the ULTIMATE choice was HIS to not go.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 June 2017):

In the past, you've given him grief; that is why he didn't go!

Pouting and passive-aggressive performances, are the same as out-right telling someone not to do something you don't want them to do. Just because you don't come outright and say it in words, doesn't mean your attitude and behavior isn't sending a strong message.

We men know instinctively; it's what women don't say, that we have to look-out for! You always have something going on in your heads. You don't trust men alone, nor in groups!

Men have to bond and do guy-things. You can claim that it's all strip clubs and checking-out women; but how much of that is your embellishment, imagination, or suspicion?

Do you judge your boyfriend by his buddies?

I have a group of straight-friends. The guys all like fishing and camping. I'm gay, but so do I. All we do together is drink beer (or single-malt whiskey, a good scotch), share stories, catch fish, ride our mountain bikes, and hike. We pitch tents, build campfires, and eat the fish we've caught. We don't get into mischief, and go exactly where we say we're going. We do what we say we're doing. We deal with the mosquitoes, lookout for snakes, ticks, leeches, and varmints that bite! But it's fun! In the United States; so is going to Las Vegas! What happens there, stays there!

You are going to have to trust him sometime. You don't deserve trust, if you don't know how to give it.

My buddies' wives or girlfriends don't assume I'm recruiting them or brainwashing them into being gay! As some women would! "You must be gay if you have a gay-male friend." Glad that sentiment doesn't run in the minds of their partners. They are men, of course they notice attractive-women; but they need time away to clear their heads and blow-off steam.

Men have to do man-stuff. Hang with our buddies. As do I. All gay-men don't do hair and makeup and swish around. We're men, regardless of the stereotypes. We also know the boundaries. Just as my friends know when they are away from their ladies to behave around other women. They can't help what falls within their vision. Eyes see, unless you're blind; or they're closed. Yes, they do check-in to let their women know we're not dead, lay bleeding in a ditch; or mauled by wolves or a bear! Provided there is a signal tower near enough!

Well, he must have some other plans that are much more exciting; and he's going to cash-in on letting you have it your way this time. I wouldn't blame him.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia + , writes (19 June 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntPersonally that's not what I call a golfing trip, it maybe for your husband but it seems an excuse for some of his friends to play up on their partners once a year... and as much as you trust your husband, you also worry that he may eventually be tempted to behave like his friends?

These are the times you may wish you were a fly on the wall to see what really happens? Does he hang around in the Motel room with another guy and drink?

Let's suppose he genuinely does behave. What would be your main concern/upset with him going next week-end? Are you concerned his friends’ behaviour may eventually influence him to play up; that you don’t totally trust hubby (and or his friends) which ignites your insecurity, or you’d rather he seek friends who don’t treat this yearly trip as a cheat fest week-end?

However this makes you feel; if you minus the grief he feels coming home, do you think this trip does a man good to get out once in awhile?

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A male reader, judgedick France + , writes (19 June 2017):

he clearly does not want to give you the opening to go over the top again like the last time , he does not want to rock the boat , you might feel it would be good for the two of you to keep up doing what you did before , but he is happy with a quite life and does not have the same intrests as his buddys anymore

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (19 June 2017):

CindyCares agony auntWell, because you gave him enough grief in the past that he has decided that the small pleasure of hanging around his hotel room with his buddies ( or even to be able to tag along when they they visit strip clubs ! ) is not worth the aggravation he may get from you. I know you did not TELL him to stay home, but we can say lots of things even better through non verbal language and our actions ( pouting, sad faces, snippy retorts, etc. etc. ) Obviously there's no need for you to announce officially " I am not happy about your trip " for him to get the concept.

I don't quite see why you are complaining, tough. You did not want / did not like him to go , even if you did not forbid him to go- and now he is not going. I'd say : problen solved, isn't it ?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 June 2017):

The only way you will know for sure is by sitting down and talking to him about it.

My GUESS would be that you gave him so much grief that he decided the trip was not worth the hassle. OR he decided he didn't want to go this time for some other reason and decided it would be a good opportunity to make YOU feel guilty about it. OR he is going to want to do something else so not going on this trip is his bargaining chip.

All guesses. Talk to HIM.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (19 June 2017):

N91 agony auntYou answered your own question.

You give him grief for it and he's tired of it so sees it as less hassle just to avoid the weekend.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (19 June 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntWhy did he do this? Because you gave him enough grief.

Because he thought you would owe him one.

Now you regret asking, because you find his decision weak and unattractive. And it is!

You need to start clearly communicating with him. Of course you will have to know what it is that you want before you can ask for it.

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A male reader, wherelifewouldtakeus United Kingdom + , writes (19 June 2017):

wherelifewouldtakeus agony auntHe did not want to hear it this year around, you said it yourself you give him grief about it and he knows you don't like it. He probably thought it was not worth enduring just to spend time hanging around in a hotel room or worrying you. There is the likelyhood that he does not want to go because over the years he realised that this trip is a lot more fun when you are single. Just trust that he told you the truth for why he isn't going.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

"And I never once told him he can't go."

And never once have you NOT given him grief about going.

"I am not sure why he did this?"

Most likely he wants to avoid getting more predictable grief from you and/or he wants to have a bargaining chip to hold over you the next time you want to do something he doesn't want you to do.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (18 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe did it because you've always given him grief about it. He wanted to skip the nagging this time by not going.

If you trust him, encourage him to go and control your paranoia (don't say anything to him about doubting his loyalty). If you don't trust him not to go to strip bars, break up.

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