A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 49 year old woman married 25 years and two children. I married my high school sweetheart, who was a flirt... He cheated on me 17 years ago, and last year... I don't know about all the other years, but I have doubts. He will never admit that he had sex with them.. But I'm no fool.. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer a year and half ago, and I had a mild stroke in October, which I think was from all the stress he caused me.. I am doing well and in remission and I do thank god for that.. And don't understand how I am doing so well, with what my husband has put me through. We were so close, best friends, always together, laughing, happy.. It's so hard for me to understand this man, we are going to therapy.. He says he loves me but it's hard to believe him, and that it will never happen again. I am unable to work right now. We are in financial ruins. I feel trapped, scared, manipulated by this man, I am terrified to leave, I am so scared of him doing it again. The lies he told me, the lies he told the other woman, the things I found out, texting, sexting, pictures.. So upsetting and stressful, she lives in my neighborhood.. I know it is over, I just feel like it will happen again, and what the hell am I doing with this man. He seems so sincere when he says he loves me and wants us to work out, he is going to therapy, where sometimes he does get beat up for what he did. Which I don't feel sorry for him, but he does take it.. We never really fought in the past, but now we do fight quite often, because so much that he does or says ticks me off... I feel I've been living a lie for 25 years...why can't men treat a good woman right, be faithful and stop that wondering eye.. I can't go back , this is my life... That I am so unhappy , yet so comfortable, because he made me think I was special and our love was special. But it was not!, help please!!!
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Not sure if you read my post but I DID tell you I have been through a similar thing and I GOT OUT and everything IS OK (not perfect but much much better).
It's inconcievable that you are still with a man who cheated on you while you were having cancer treatment!!!
I know you are scared, it's very bewildering when someone we love and have given many years to treats us like we are nothing.
You had a warning sign many years ago but you tried to move on from it and make your marriage work...your husband had other plans. If a person cheats and gets away with it, they are more likely to cheat again and like, with my Grandfather, they make a lifestyle out of it and they do not care who gets hurt.
If you arn't going to leave him and you would rather stay and risk getting hurt further (which will happen if he gets the urge again)perhaps you can suggest to him that he keeps his 'affairs' out of your face so you can just pretend that everything is OK. Some relationships do survive like this but you got to have pretty thick skin.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst I thank all for your answers. No I do not think ALL men are like this, it's just I have heard so many stories about so many men (and women) that have cheated, it disgusts me. So I do apologize for making it sound like all men are like this, which I do not believe. Yes, I am limited in my experience with men. Yes my husband has an issue with honesty. To wise owl! You gave me great, great advice. Yes I did not say we in my statement, I always put my relationship as a we, until he didn't anymore. My husband lost many jobs in the past, I was right by his side to support him. I was the one who was always there for him, but when I needed him the most, with my treatments during cancer, he was out with her.. Not one treatment with me did he go to..thank god for my parents who were there for me. I am waiting for the day when I wake up and realize I do not need this man anymore, but for now I am just unhappy and somewhat bitter, which I know does no good for me. I just want happiness and I am scared that's all. I wish someone could tell me that they have gone through this and everything worked out, but I know that will not happen... I am taking things day by day..and my future is in my hands and I will be happy again very soon, with or without him..I put myself first, for the first time in a long time...so I thank you all and I just hope my happy days come sooner than later...
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (15 January 2014):
Wise Owl is indeed wise, and has given you great advice. It isn't fair to compartmentalize all men based on your very limited experience. In fact, it's downright insulting to the millions of good, faithful men out there who treat their spouses like queens (like mine!)What I would instead do is ask yourself WHY you have chosen to tolerate this behavior for so long? Fear of being alone? Fear of the unknown (dating other men?) If he was your HS sweetheart then your dating and relationship experience is very, very limited, and you aren't in much of a position to judge "all men".You have a decision to make. Are you going to stand up for yourself, and love yourself? Or are you going to continue to allow yourself to play second fiddle to his casual relationships? If he hasn't even admitted sexual cheating, then he has a real issue with honesty, as I'd bet my last dollar he did exactly that.Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 January 2014):
I have written here before about my Grandfather and how he cheated on my Grandmother throughout their married life. She was not a well women and even though she knew he was sleeping with other women, she stayed out of fear. She died aged 63 (young by todays standards)and he moved in with another woman 6 weeks after her death.
I, her Grandaughter was not afraid to leave a marriage that went wrong after 19 years, despite having heart surgery and chronic depression. Now I have my own home a secure job, good friends, my money is my own, I have a couple male friends who I go for dinner with from time to time. The difference between me and my Grandmother was just when these events took place. It was easier for me to leave and get back on my feet because nowdays, many people (both men and women)can and do, go it alone.
My marriage was in financial crisis for another reason and I would have sunk further had I not got up and walked.
Nothing is impossible but you have to have the will to climb out of the pit. If I had still been married, I hate to think who I would have been now...probably been driven to an early demise like my Grandmother.
I think the rot in your marriage has gone too far. I like FA's idea of transparency, but what are you going to do if he doesn't give it to you? What if it's a half asses attempt that leave you in doubt?...nice idea but firmly putting the power with him, which gives him licence to drag you along for another 20 odd years.
You need to listen to your gut and only when YOU have taken control of the situation will you find the strength to make a new path for yourself.
I wish you luck xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): I don't think it's fair to generalize that men don't treat good women right. You can only judge from your own experience and consider those choices you've made. You do have choices.
If you discover "your" man is a cheater, and you decide to remain in a marriage with him; then you also elect to take the risk that he may cheat again. You remain for whatever reasons you may have. Be it for the children, unconditional
love, financial dependency, optimism, or stupidity.
After a number of years, two people know each other very well. They know their character, their habits, weaknesses, and strengths. You have your own system of values. You have the option to forgive your partner; based on your level of tolerance of certain deeds. You also have the logic to draw on in making any decision to keep someone around who isn't living up to their commitment.
I've been around awhile, and I know for certain that many women put up with a lot of unnecessary behavior; because they fear being alone. They measure their value and self-worth by the man they have.
They spend life giving in to insecurities and making excuses for doing so. Rather than fighting to overcome their insecurities; they let them get worse. Allowing weakness to rule over reason. Depending on other people, and not trusting themselves. Centering their existence around a relationship; and making no effort to grow, or claim their own independence. Don't blame men for that.
Many women have a life-mission to dismiss their mother's advice as only her attempt to control, or criticize. Not seeing the love she was trying to convey; because she has the experience and is trying to protect you. She didn't like your boyfriends for a good reason. She sees what you can't. She has had guys like that, or avoided them for a reason. She listened to her mother.
She has been there and done that. She sees her own mistakes being made, only this time; she can intervene. Women don't like their mothers to interfere. They suffer for it.
They continuously claim "love" as an excuse for accepting abuse, violence, laziness, no sex, and generally bad treatment from husbands and boyfriends. It isn't love, it's fear of the unknown. Stubbornness, and the determination they're not giving him up to another woman. Even though that's what they're doing every time he cheats on them.
The horror of visualizing him being happy with someone else; compels many women to hold on out of a irrational sense of principle. "I gave him the best years of my life and I'm not giving him up." Foolish. Not smart. You should visualize yourself being happy with someone else instead.
Why should all men be blamed for the man you chose to be a part of your life?
When you see behavior isn't changing, and you try again and again to resolve your domestic issues. Yet there is no effort on his part to change. You get out of that situation and do whatever you must do, to make life better.
You can't surrender to a life of hell, and then blame the opposite gender for your misfortune. If you are quick to accept a man into your life without acknowledging the red-flags or setting deal-breakers; then you pretty much set your life up for a failed marriage, or relationship.
Getting to the alter before turning thirty should not be the priority; but building a loving, durable,and fulfilling relationship should.
During the courtship and dating process, don't attach your feelings before you know what you're attaching your feelings to. No, you cannot change anybody; and no, they don't complete you. You both should be whole, sane, and functioning individuals when you form a committed relationship. It's not something you do later.
You gave him a chance, and he didn't cut the mustard. He's a sack of dirt, and should have been tossed upon the first discovery that he cheats. Yes, you should try as hard as you can to save a marriage, but we know when we're beating a dead horse. Pretending things are getting better and living in denial is not his fault. We have to own our mistakes and slips in judgment. Take responsibility for the choices we make. Then make an effort to correct them.
Time and time again, our parents and friends warn us, and often they are ignored. You decide he's worth it; so you waste more time trying to fix him. If you can't see that he's not fixable and doesn't want to be fixed; even worse, doesn't feel he needs to be. You are wasting valuable time.
Look at what you have now. Not what you used to have; or, deluded yourself into thinking you had.
Women are ashamed to admit to their mothers and fathers they were right, they don't want their friends to see they made a bad choice. To admit their marriage is a failure. They don't want to "feel" like a failure. Or, they have flaunted their "so-called" happy marriages in their single friend's faces for such a long time. Maybe you've criticized the marriages of your friends and siblings. Even gave them advice you should have taken for yourself.
Now comes the time YOU have to face the music.
Stop placing blame. You had twenty-five years to decide if this man was worth the trouble. You decided he was. So why is this the fault of men, that the one you chose is unfaithful and has a wondering eye?
If you must seek disability income; or social services to temporarily survive on your own. Do it! If you have to move back in with mother, or a sympathetic family member. Do it!
There is no shame in seeking help. The shame is being too proud to accept help when you need it! To remain in a private hell when you don't have to.
Now is the time to start reclaiming your life. Life as you describe it sounds pretty bad; however, you must seek help and find your way back. You don't just give in to it. He is not your savior or your lifeline. You are. Stop selling yourself short.
My dear, you are stronger than you think. Look what you've been through. You're still here to talk about it. You're not dead, or in a straight-jacket. It's hard, I know. You still can turn this all around for yourself.
I am not unsympathetic to your pain. It runs deep, and we are getting older. We know that are options are fewer as we do. That doesn't mean we give up, or give in. We fight for survival. That's what we do.
We correct our mistakes, and count our blessings. We reach out to God, our friends, and loved ones for help and to support us. We go for every available resource with all the strength and power we can muster. That's how people come back from hell.
My dear, we fight to survive against all odds. We continue to seek happiness; because we know the glass is half-full.
It's half-empty for the losers and defeated. Not you and me.
We make mistakes; but we are also given a chance to redeem ourselves; and use what we we've learned to re-plot our lives and reset a new course. Age is not an obstacle. It is an advantage. The wisdom we have accumulated over time, is what we dwell on.
My words are meant to help you. Not to make you feel bad, or depressed. I hope you realize, he did not destroy everything. He is not your everything. You still have a spark within you, use it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2014): Fatherly advice, gave you great advice! I couldnt agree with him more. Just please remember all men are not like this. Best wishes yo you and your family.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (15 January 2014):
 Glad to hear you are doing better…I hear a lot of “I” from you… not we. It seems you are so concerned with your feelings you have forgotten how the “we” part of your relationship works. If you are so stressed out all the time, when do you have time to enjoy your marriage? When a person (male/female) feels they are losing what was once great in their relationship, it becomes easier for someone else to temp them into cheating. Most people in a good relationship don’t just cheat because they can. Something is normally missing and they go looking for it in someone else.Remember both of you are in this relationship. I went through the phase of blaming my wife for all my hurt feelings. Want to know how I let go of it all? By seeing my own faults, that I was causing my own unhappiness by the problems that I conjured up in my mind. I would create events and then get pissed off at those mental scenarios that never even happened, and take it out on her. What was my lesson learned?? Make sure I was doing everything I should be doing before I judge someone else for what they are not doing.Let go of the past. Stop using it to punish yourself when you should be loving yourself. What is the point of getting through cancer only to cause other health issues from living in the past? You cannot change what happen, but you can change yourself by letting it all go. Be the most awesome wife, and let your mind be free. As long as you have peace in your heart, then nothing else really matters. The past already happened, and no amount of worrying or stressing will change that.If you could learn to live like this, you would be miles ahead of the game… Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (15 January 2014):
 Not every relationship will recover from infidelity. This post illustrates the reason very well. Our OP has found the affair, confronted the wayward spouse, Committed him to therapy, and is sure that the affair is over, but the healing is not happening. The injury may be to great, even without evidence of physical cheating. It doesn't really matter whether physical cheating occurred or not, it was in his heart.
As far as advice for the original poster. I have little to add that won't sound like I am blaming you, or excusing your husband. That is not my goal. There is little he can do now to bring you peace. His best moves would be to demonstrate trustworthiness by taking steps towards total transparency. Turning over his email and phone passcodes things like that. Making sure you know where he is at all times. That is what he can do. What you can do is to seek healing instead of revenge. Revenge will leave you hollow and empty even though it seems necessary right now.
Your thoughts of separation are not wrong, based on your feelings.
FA
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