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What to do? The Cook and I made out in the back room of the restaurant. Do we continue? He's married.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Friends, Marriage problems, Sex, Teenage, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 October 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 9 October 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I work at a restaurant as a server. I get along with everyone I work with fairly well, but the cooks exceptionally. All the cooks are men (but I've always been more partial to having male friends than females)

Somehow I managed to attract the attention of one cook in particular. We have a lot of fun when we work together, and we flirt a lot. We've even made out in the back room of the restaurant.

But he's married.

I feel terrible for the things I've done already. But lately he's been trying very hard to see me outside of work, alone. He has no intentions of leaving his wife (although he claims his marriage is no longer the happiest, and he feels as though it might have ran its course and near ending.)

I don't want anything serious with him, and the sexual tension is starting to get to me, I feel like if we did it once it would be out of both our systems and things could go back to normal.

But part of me knows this is so wrong. I'm really not sure what to do.

View related questions: flirt, I work with

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A female reader, unmeidaagonyaunt United States +, writes (9 October 2011):

unmeidaagonyaunt agony auntOh, honey. You are courting so much danger.

Let me tell you something. I am in a position where I have seen many of these scenarios come and go. I will tell you two things:

Number one: on the subject of workplace affairs, women tend to get the short end of the stick in these matters. Each and every time, almost without fail, women tend to be leaned on more partly because of fears that keeping a woman who has had an affair with one workplace partner can have a destabilizing effect on other co-workers (if she ever gets promoted, was it because of her skills or her SKILLS?). Sad, but true.

For that reason alone, you have a lot to lose here.

Number two: I guarantee you that a man who not only assures you that he is not interested in leaving his marriage but IS interested in "hanging out" further for the purposes of relieving his lust is not only NOT a prize but is a genuine drag on your well-being. What happens if this guy gets kicked out of his marriage? What sort of a prize will you have won? An older loser who cheats on his partners the first chance he gets with someone younger and more naive ... what a prize, indeed!

Girl, get your head out of the clouds and find a new job, now! And never sleep with your coworkers ... it's not seemly!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011):

Girl who are you kidding? you think if you do it once with the married cook you will get the lust out of your system? Who about when u continue doing what u shouldn't , u will not only be viewed as easy, but will also loose your job.

I like how u justify that he is married but won't leave his wife but things are not the best so maybe...yep..maybe... The marriage is on the outs. You know

I think u know this sayin/: don't sh1t wher u Eat. U are about to find out just how true this is if/when u start sleeping with the very married cook.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011):

All I can say is, in my personal experience, having sex with someone once does not "get it out of your system". I had an affair with my professor. We were both in relationships at the time. I thought sleeping with him once would satisfy me and I could close the book on it. But it didn't. I kept wanting more and more.

Look at the situation. An affair like this isn't going to go anywhere. It will only end badly. You could develop real feelings for him and end up getting really hurt. Sex once won't be enough - you'll keep wanting more. My advice is to get out of the situation now before things get more serious and complicated. You will save yourself a lot of heart ache.

Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011):

All I can say is, in my personal experience, having sex with someone once does not "get it out of your system". I had an affair with my professor. We were both in relationships at the time. I thought sleeping with him once would satisfy me and I could close the book on it. But it didn't. I kept wanting more and more.

Look at the situation. An affair like this isn't going to go anywhere. It will only end badly. You could develop real feelings for him and end up getting really hurt. Sex once won't be enough - you'll keep wanting more. My advice is to get out of the situation now before things get more serious and complicated. You will save yourself alot of heart ache.

Good luck!

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (7 October 2011):

tennisstar88 agony auntSince when are cooks sexy?

Making out in the back of the restaurant? Scandalous.

He's married? Hello, affair.

I don't care if he says the marriage has run it's course, he won't leave his wife. This cook is looking to stray from his marriage. It's lacking, maybe sex or passion, and he's looking for some other woman to give it to him. You.

Now, thank goodness you have some sense and morals to know that this is wrong. Also, that you need to stay away from him. Don't jeopardize his marriage or his job, even yours. You could fired if someone catches you two making out in the utility closet on the clock.

Really, I would do like the other aunt said and start looking for a different serving gig. Or you can clearly state to this cook that you're not going to get involved with him..because it's not fair to his wife or you. The only one benefiting from this yet to happen affair, would be him.

Make the right decision.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (7 October 2011):

This is a crossroads in your life. You have a choice to make, and the choice you make determines the kind of person you become in your future, and the life your future holds for you.

If you choose to sleep with this guy, and fast forward to 5 years from now, how do you think things will be for you, him, and his wife and family? The truth is no one knows, but if you spend enough time reading the posts on this site you will get a picture of what is likely. It is likely that the affair will affect you negatively, and affect your future relationships and the way you see yourself in relationships in a negative way. It is likely to affect your self confidence, self esteem, trust, and general mental health in a negative way, sometimes this affect is major and sometimes it is not that strong in people, but in general it does have an effect. It will definitely have an impact on his marriage and his wife and family. In many cases it will play a part in resulting in a separation or divorce, though this can't be known. In general though it has a negative impact for him and his wife. Typically, his wife will find out about it, or another affair if not yours, but you play a part in leading him down that road. Of course, that is his choice to make not yours, but you have a say in it in this instance.

If you choose not to sleep with him, and fast forward 5 years from now, what will the impact be on your life? Well, maybe it will fall into insignificance, you might hardly remember or think about it, but this decision will shape how you make future decisions and have a bigger impact than you may see. It will generally have a positive impact on you and your relationships, for a variety of reasons. Firstly, it honours the part of you that knows that it is wrong. Of course in doing this, it is not honouring the part of you that wants to sleep with this guy, but there are other ways, better ways in which you can honour your sexually driven parts and have your sexual needs fulfilled in a way that isn't damaging to yourself or other people. It is a valuable lesson in knowing that you can set a boundary and stick to it, so it reinforces your qualities of strenght, discipline, allows you to maintain your values, it lets you know that you have feelings but can use your judgement and intellegence to make good decisions when your feelings or impulses are urging to you to make a decision that part of you knows isn't good for you. The list goes on. Again, this isn't what will happen, this is just what is likely based on what people say from their similar experiences. A pattern emerges of what usually happens, and you will have an understanding yourself of what tends to happen.

Knowing what the likely outcomes are, it seems like a simple choice, but it isn't always easy to make. Try make it this time, and you will find that the next time you have to make it, it gets easier and easier. Also, I have painted a particular version of what I think is likely to happen, but this is less meaningful than what you think might happen. Draw your own conclusions, and then make your decision based on that.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (6 October 2011):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntI've often thought that jumping out of an airplane WITHOUT a parachute would provide a terrific rush. My friends all tell me that that's a stupid thing to do. But I reply, "Maybe if I tried it ONCE I could get it out of my system and go on (with life)".....

Good luck....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011):

having been on the other side of this situation - ie. having been the 'wife' (we weren't married but definitely a long-established couple) I implore you not to get involved. The situation that you describe is what others say it is - the beginnings of an affair in which the man will simply be using you to perk up his own ego and to give him sexual gratification. As things do go on, sooner or later his wife will find out and it will probably cause her a huge amount of pain and heartache. His responsibility is to either sort out his marriage or divorce his wife so that he is free.

You are young now, but one day you won't be...and there will always, guaranteed, be women like you in your situation now...maybe one day it will be your husband flirting with a young woman who he senses is being drawn to him.

Don't do it.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (6 October 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI think you should start looking for a new job to be honest.

Avoid having contact with this man as much as possible.

doing it once is like eating ONE piece of candy or one potato chip... you say it's just one but you always have more.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden +, writes (6 October 2011):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntDo you know how many affairs have begun with one person telling the other that they are unhappy in their marriage? As if somehow that was going to make it all alright. You DO know what to do. Choose integrity and decency above the urge to surrender to these urges.

You say "I feel like if we did it once it would be out of both our systems and things could go back to normal.", but so many others have said the same but the thrill is too hard to resist the next time, so it happens again and again and this may or may not be the case for you but why risk it? Why even bother doing it when you yourself know that you are above such things. Do not continue.

I hope that helps.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011):

He's not going to leave his wife, he's actively trying to start an affair... That part of you that says this is wrong is there for a reason.

At the very least, this should show that he has no self-restraint and that the feelings of the person he's with don't matter once the relationship has gone a little sour. Is this someone you want to be associated with?

I'm doubtful that one fling is going to get this out of your system. You've opened the floodgates--nothing is going to prevent either of you from doing it again.

Listen to that little voice that says STOP!

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (6 October 2011):

eyeswideopen agony auntListen to the part of you that is telling you that this is so wrong. Because it is.

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