A
male
age
30-35,
*urryguzzler51
writes:okay so long story short...i am currently with my gf of 8 months. We started out as best friends and eventually started dating (finally got out of the friendzone :) ) But now we are starting to have problems. In the beginning of the relationship, i made it clear that all i care about was trust and "doing stuff cause you want to do it". The reason for the last one was so that she didnt feel any pressure to do anything. Im the type of guy who wont pressure a girl to do anything that she doesnt want to do. I wanted this relationship to be easy going and relax but nothing is ever easy...So like 3 months ago...she lied to me about where she was (she told me she wasnt going out to party (we are in college) and said that she was having a chill night at the dorm (we normally party together cause she is a lightweight and needs someone there she can trust) ...then i got a call at 3 AM from her. Turns out she went to a party, got really drunk and was walking amlessly down a random street (her friends had left her at the party). I went and picked her up and was angry the next day for her lying to me. The day after that, her friends (yes the same ones) came and b% and !@ me out all because they thought all i wanted was sex (which i didnt...and she knew that). They called me a dirty pig, an a$@hole and various other names. Two of them even slapped me for yelling at her the day before. And throughout this whole ordeal, she was sitting next to me and did NOTHING!!!I was gonna end it there but i really love this girl and i know she loves me too so i decided to give her a second chance (which goes against my personal rules...no 2nd chances). I thought she would change but then this happened:A couple of weeks ago, we started to get intimate...and i told her before that only do it if you want to. Im not forcing you. She said that she wanted too and all. But i kept on asking her cause i really wanted to be sure and she still said that she really wanted to do itWe had a small talk today and i come to find out that she was lying. She only did it with me to make me happy. She lied again....she didnt do it cause she wanted to do it. It was both of our first times so it was a big deal for me. But now i feel like a complete douchebag who "forced" is girl to have sex with him. i feel guilty for doing it with her. So now im in a dilemma: she has lied for a second time and has blown her 2nd chance. I honestly hardly have any trust left. I love her alot but idk if this is gonna get better. Shes said that she will start tell me the truth and being honest with me and that she now knows what she wants with regards to sex/intimacy. However, this is practically similar to what she said last time (when i gave her a second chance). Im afraid that this is gonna happen again and again. Should i break up with her? Should i give her a 3rd chance? What should i do? Im so lost and confused. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): As said before, asking somebody if they're ready that much is the same as pressuring them, even if it's not your intent.
Use your instincts next time. If she feels ready and she says she's ready once, BE A MAN, stop being a pushover and show some confidence. Trust me, a woman that is ready to have sex with you can become even more ready when you show some confidence, but at the same time you can turn her off and make her not ready by asking so much.
No wonder you were in the friend zone. If you continue to act that way you'll be there many more times before you find a woman who respects you. Your girl is as naive as you are so you may be able to get away with it now, but as you get older you'll have to grow up.
Regarding her friends treatment of you- WTF? I don't know what to say to that, it sounds like they're crazy or you're not telling the whole story.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 December 2012):
You shouldn't have kept asking her if she was ready or not. Things like can actually put pressure on someone. You need to look outside yourself and look at the relationship as a whole. At the end of the day this girl gave you her virginity as well which is still a big deal. So stop using that as an excuse.
You can't be so anal in a relationship because as you get older you will realize that everyone makes mistakes, even you will. You aren't perfect, she isn't no one is. She lied about the party and if she does it again then by all means break up with her. You should talk to her about her friends reactions. And grow some backbone, letting some girl slap you? Wth is that? When you are fighting these arguments with her friends remember you aren't fighting for yourself, but for the both of you. If you do nothing then who will? She was ashamed enough as it was.
At any rate these seem like things which can easily be forgiven.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 December 2012):
 She doesn't exactly sound like a gem herself (getting so sloshed she can't even walk home, etc...), but honestly something about the way you are writing this is making me think this isn't all her. I can't quite put my finger on what it is. It sounds a lot like you are putting a lot of pressure on her to keep up to a certain standard. The party one was definitely a blow to trust, but the second time with the sex really doesn't really sound like it. It sounds like you know she wasn't keen on it, which is why you felt the need to ask her repeatedly if this is REALLY what she wants. I'm not saying you forced her or behaved like a d-bag, but I think you should re-examine how you are coming off before you completely blame the entire failing on her. Clearly she felt pressure from you to have sex when she didn't want to, and you should ask her why she felt the need to do that.
Then there's the party issue. She broke your trust, yes, but there's something about the way you phrased it that does come off, frankly a bit paternalistic. Yes she sounds very irresponsible. If she knows she can't hold her alcohol, she shouldn't be out partying. Especially with these "friends" who are assholes for abandoning her when they knew she was vulnerable. But you sound pretty judgmental and maybe even a little controlling.
I think you're both at fault and it doesn't really come off well here to be playing the victim card. It's up to you whether to end this, it doesn't really sound like you two are compatible, but make sure you are being honest with yourself about your own role in this as well before moving on. The way this is written I'd wonder how she would phrase it and I'm fairly certain it would be a very different perspective.
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A
male
reader, jfire86 +, writes (11 December 2012):
 Sounds like both of you have your seperate issues. If she has lied to you twice already that you know about, how many other times has she lied to you that you don't know of? Once a liar, always a liar. You sound like a decent guy, time to bail and find a new girl. You're young and in college, I'm sure there are other girls available who won't lie to you. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 December 2012):
Whilest the lady's actions are not laudable, I find your your reaction(s) to them rather odd....
I think your submittal is an interesting story about YOU... and that "story" is that you have both a peculiar set of standards for your/a girl's behaviour, AND you describe a most-interesting form of passive-agressive controls in your head triggering your actions....
This, above, along with your description of this girl's FRIENDs' behaviour would lead me to suggest that you and this girl just don't have any future together. Bundle up your love for her, and take it elsewhere...
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (11 December 2012):
 You didnt force her if you KEPT asking her and she said its fine, if she told you it wasnt okay at the time but you went ahead, that is forced sex.
If you cant trust her anymore then there isnt a very solid foundation for the relationship to stand on. If you want to be with her then stay, if not, leave.
Only you know what you want to do deep down.
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